I posted this originally on JFO and someone suggested I post here.

This is my first time posting although I've been reading the information on the site and this forum for about two months. I'm not completely familiar with everything so please bear with me.

My H and I separated in the summer of 02 due to problems related to his abuse of alcohol. We were both in IC for our various issues but about a month into the separation he confessed that in the last 10 years he had two P/A's with co-workers. One lasted about a year the other was a ONS. We have been together 28 years and married for 24. We have a S who is 24 and a D who is 19 and lives at home with me. Following a period of shock, anger, crying, etc. I committed to working on the marriage and we started to have long talks about where things went off track. We seemed to be connecting in a way we never had before even though I could not get him to agree to move back home or consider MC.

Well about a month later I visited my H at his new residence to find him drinking with another woman. She is another co-worker and both were very drunk. OW left after a slightly ugly scene and he confessed to having a P/A with her since he moved out. He said before that they were "just friends". From everything I've learned since this is strictly a P/A and he sees her sporadically. During the course of our conversation that night my H also revealed that he had been the victim of sexual abuse for a period of about three years when he was a pre-teen. I was the first person he admitted this to and he also revealed that he had thought about suicide many times because he could no longer surpress the memories.

Since then our relationship has followed the pattern I see talked about here so often. H has refused to end the A or to move back home. I did reveal the A to both families and some of his co-workers know as well. He says all the typical things - I love you just not in love with you - I want to remain in your life but as a friend. He is adamant about not having sex with me even though he confesses from time to time that he thinks about it often. He has finally acknowledged with the help of his IC that he has been abusing alcohol and is making slow but steady strides in addressing this problem. They have yet to tackle the abuse issues. I too am working on issues that I know allowed our marriage to get to the point it did.

Recently my husband agreed to MC and our first appointment is coming up shortly. Things had been going fairly well between us even though he refused to talk about the A or confirm whether it is still ongoing. I have been trying to do a Plan A with moderate success (still some outbursts and LB's) and he has commented on how well I am handling this situation and what a beautiful person I am. However, this week everything went off track. He became increasingly moody and finally this weekend stated he wanted to end the marriage and for me to go to a lawyer and begin the process. I suspect that he was with OW this weekend and perhaps slipped back into drinking as well. When I asked where he was (mistake I know!) he became extremely angry and told me that as we are separated it was none of my business, he was fed up with this and for me to file for divorce. I calmly told him that I wanted to work on the marriage and if he wanted a divorce for him to file. He said he would and slammed down the phone.

Today he is back to his old self. He apologized for the outburst of temper and recommitted to MC. I have told him that until we have our first session I do not want to be alone with him as I am afraid the situation will get out of hand again. He says he understands and has agreed to this.

My question to anyone who might have been in a similar situation. I am committed to my marriage and truly believe under it all my husband loves me. However, he says the abuse has really messed him up and he can't love me the way I want him to and we are better off as friends instead of H and W. Is this the Fog or are these other issues too big to get beyond. My IC says my H has a lot of work to do on his other issues before he may be ready to tackle the marriage issues so what do I do? Continue Plan A and try to be patient. Also, is there any point to MC in these circumstances?

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

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Living for today but hoping for the future

There is always hope. "These 3 things remain, Faith, Hope, and Love."
If there is love, then there is hope. And faith has to start with yourself. Do you have the faith in yourself to be able to keep up the battle until the love you hope for returns?
You have a very long and hard road ahead of you. If you have the love the hope remains. That's where I am. And if I can do it anyone can.

M4L, sorry you have to be here, but welcome. What your H is saying about "love you but not in love" has probably been heard by almost every other BS here on this board. Typical WS "fog talk". What is your MC's stance on M? I would make sure he/she is pro-marriage before going any further. Your H does have some issues to deal with and it won't be easy for him (I know). But I also know it is easier with someone thier whom loves you. My suggestion is READ!! Read everything on this sight. Get Surviving an Affair as soon as possible. You can get it right from this sight. Also you may wish to seek some advice from some of the veterans here, some of the GWO's (Great Wise One's) are bound to stumble on this thread sooner or later. Don't get frustrated if it takes a while though. There's a lot of peoples here.

MTD

GEntle nudge up!!!
L.

he also revealed that he had thought about suicide many times because he could no longer surpress the memories

Please call a sexual abuse hotline in your state and find a qualified councellor in your area that can and will deal with childhood sexual abuse. Its great to hear he is admitting to an alcohol problem , but I dare say he using the grog to numb his feelings , keeping them supressed. He needs to face what happened to him as a child, he needs to except what happened to him as a child and realise he should carry no shame or guilt for the wrongfull acts of others.

I know the pain your husband is suffering, I was lucky I was surrounded as a young woman by people who I could trust and devulge my horrid childhood memories...to the point where I got the correct help. I'm a survivor, your husband can be too.

Be there for your husband, as you, he is no doubt going through hell.

The other woman seems to be just feeding his need to supress and not confront. Thats easier for him, but its a destructive cycle.Its very hard to confront the demons of sexual abuse, but it can be done, and it has to be done.

I'm thinking of you both, Dino.

Hi,

I wanted to say thank you for your replies. I've been seeing an IC for 6 months and I only now after posting to this forum feel some of the burden being lifted. It helps to know others have been there and have survived.

My husband's IC is trying to get his alcohol abuse dealt with before they delve into the sexual abuse. I don't know if this is right or wrong but that's what the professional says. And yes the OW is feedng his need to not confront this. She told me in our only communication that he has no problems with alcohol or anything else - his only problem is me! I know I can't separate them but I feel she is a very destructive force in his life.

I have read After the Affair but SAA is not available at book stores here. I will order it from this site today.

Again, thanks for the support. I'm so glad I finally decided to post here.

Married,

In essence I often get a little worried about sexual abuse councelling. All too often out of councelling come surviving non-survivors. I believe sexual abuse councelling to be very specific and so it should be. Perhaps you could check if your husbands councellor has had much expertise in this area.

I recall the first I saw , he asked me , DUH , did he hurt you?.. the daft begger!...good lord did I hit the road on that one... then found one that dealt near wholey and soley with sexual abuse.

I'm still thinking of you and your husband, and hoping he is on the right path to his and your recovery,he has carried this bourdon for too long and an entangled mess has followed.

Take care, Dino.