Will someone please teach me how to be a doormat? H told me today that he is ablolutely NOT in love with me anymore...said he searched and searched for it, and its just not there...said he fought for our marriage for 6 years when I wasn't interested, and now he just doesn't have anymore fight in him...he refuses any kind of help and says he doesn't see any chance at all that he will ever be in love with me again...he said there is no hope for us and that there is no "us"...he wants to move out, but says he will stay for a while and see how it goes if I just leave him alone and let him do what he wants when he wants...without getting upset and talking to him about it....he refuses to even talk about our relationship anymore...what do I do? I love him so much and I don't want to lose him...I just cannot see my life without him in it.
someone tell me there is hope...please

There is hope! One partner can often hold a marriage together for the short-term, but it's doubtful that you can do so on your own long-term.

Have you tried doing the parts of Plan A which are centered on improvement of self? Being a "doormat" doesn't necessairly have to be done. jmho

While I understand why your H feels as he does, doing what he wants, when he wants, without any obligations to his family...can't go along with that one. Even if he is the betrayed.

If he truly wanted to move out...he would. jmho
This may be just another attempt to get your notice that he's not ready to begin recovery while there are still unknowns to be dealt with and the other basic issues in the marriage.

It's hard to see inside a man's head when you're a woman...so hopefully some of the men will reply to you and give you their impressions of what is going on.

As a female BS I wanted/needed/had to have a lot of relationship talk, men may not be as vocal and open to sharing to that degree. So I really don't understand that POV.

Sadly there can come a time in a marriage when you look at the damage and choose to step away and not look back. Hopefully, since your H is still willing to stay, even if on these terms right now...he's not truly at that point yet.

Do a lot of self-improvement where needed. And hopefully, he'll notice and want to benefit from what you've learned.

Good Luck!

i dont know how long he has been feeling this way so its hard to say why he feels like this.but i think that is the key at this point.why does he feel that way?did you do something recently to hurt him.you mentioned 6 years of him trying,so what was he trying for?i can only assume that infidelity happened 6 years ago,but he stuck around ,so why now,does he have a change of heart?you could ask him ,but i doubt you will get and answer from him.so you will have to do some searching for yourself and probably in yourself for answers..
as for the hope guestion...he is still there!like Just a wifey said if he wanted to go ...he would!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
just a wifey 2002

"As a female BS I wanted/needed/had to have a lot of relationship talk, men may not be as vocal and open to sharing to that degree. So I really don't understand that POV."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cheatedandregretit I wholeheartedly agree with just a wifey 2002 and it might do you good to read John Gray's classic 'Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus' to understand the male mind to tackling difficult problems. You can not realistically expect that your H will deal with his problems the same way that you or most women do with yours.

You also might want to get a hold of Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy' and 'Divorce Busting' books because they give you ideas (just like the Harley books) on what works and doesn't work to rebuild a marriage.

Remember that just like you, your H will do what he wants when he wants to do it. The only person you have any control over is YOU. And the more he perceives that you are trying to control his life, the more he is going to rebel against you.

Lastly, you might want to think about the saying 'don't beleive everything you hear and only beleive half of what you see' because it most cases it turns out to be true. Talk is cheap and all your declarations of your love for him have naturally been met with incredulous responses from him because your past actions have shown him otherwise. No magic words will help your H want to reconcile with you, but establishing consistent good behavior thru your actions may just do that.

Peace be with you.

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank you all for your replies...right now, he said he is bitter and he doesn't know if he will ever believe that I love him again...and that he just isn't in love with me...he says he is only staying for the kids, because i threw them into the equation, and because he can't stand to see me beg....he really doesn't want to stay...I just don't know what to do....I need him so badly....I am terrified that he will never love me again...and the thought of that makes me physically sick...when i think about the pain i caused him it physically hurts..and now he is doing it to me...but he says it is not revenge...its just that he needs his own space and he won't be controlled anymore to any extent...he does not want to work on our marriage at all...he just doesn't really have any other place to go right now...financially, we are not in a position for him to move out, and we only have one vehicle...so he feels trapped....I dont' know what to do. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

someone please pray for me and my family...I need a miracle....been praying for one for days now...please help me pray... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I agree with the other posts even though you begged, if he wanted to leave he would have. I don't think it is good of you to stay together "just for the kids". IMHO I remember my parents fighting for years before they seperated and they stayed together for us kids, I think I would rather have had them seperate early so maybe they could have saved it.

I will keep you in my prayers.
STTSI

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cheatedandregretit:
<strong>someone please pray for me and my family...I need a miracle....been praying for one for days now...please help me pray... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consider it done.

I spose if I have to, I'll pray too....lol totally messin' withya.... I really do hate seein' how bad this tears apart good peoples families..... yuck....

I am exactly where he is right now except I did give her that chance your post is crying out for, and I empathize with you. I don't know your situation leading up to your fateful decision, so I don't know the particulars needed to explain any more similarities or differences and therefore any wisdom I might impart to you.

I did notice something you said in your first post that may give you a glimmer of hope.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> its just that he needs his own space and he won't be controlled anymore to any extent </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is the way he said it, it insinuates that he is trying to run away from reality. Everyone is "controled" to some extent from the people around them, and this is a feeling I have personally had innumerous times in the past and that is the position I am speaking from. I fealt trapped like he did, and had a utopian idea of becoming untrapped by breaking all ties anyone has on me..... in theory, maybe, in reality never. Other than people haveing some sense of "control" of your actions, I have learned there is something with much more pull than any feeling of control I could ever feel from people and that is spiritual control. whether he believes it or not right now he is "allowing" God or satan control over him in ALL aspects of his life. the choice is his, but escape from control can only happen by accepting God's love and realizing if you stay under His umbrella/"control", your "freedom" you have always been searching for will slap you in the face.
There's a Dylan song that comes to mind about his current and my past situation. It's "your gonna have to serve somebody". I never believed it 'til that day when that sobering yet awesome "freedom" your husband needs so bad right now came to me. Then I thought back on it, played it again and thats when I figured out Dylan has to have it too, no way you can fake it.
The hope I spoke about at the beginning of this post is the mere fact that he will find that peace or regain it. If so, he may be "running" from his situation because he doesn't wanna deal with the pain that comes with it. If that's the case, you gotta chance if/when he figures that out. but I, should also say, if he's like me and has lost the last shred of trust for you he once had so much of that he married you, then, your fear of "life w/out him in it" will be a sad reality.

sorry for both of your situation,
I will certainly pray
God bless you both
He's the only chance the two of you have now. And if I had to hang my hat on one chance, I'd take him every time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

peace
tim

p.s. if you follow coffee's great advice and totally stop talking to him about "us" and deal with you, your actions, if they are true, will attract him. How he deals with that attraction is out of your hands.

Thank you all for your replies and your prayers....we both need them badly...H is not a spiritual person at the moment...he believes that God has turned his back on him, and says he no longer believes in God...I have been praying for God to speak to him in such a way that he has no choice but to hear him...please continue praying for us...thank you all very much...I don't want to give up hope, but sometimes it is very hard just to raise my head up in the mornings and get out of bed...it hurts..and I know that I am mostly to blame....I feel the pain I caused him physically...Lord it hurts....