He called last night and I didn't have the power to just hang up. He kept saying "think about my kids, think about my kids." He mentioned how she would get her family, his family, and all his friends to turn against him and that his life would be ruined. Trying to totally pass it off on me, I know.

He also bitterly announced that in his state of detachment and scorn from all his loved ones, he will have nothing to live for other than ruin my life. He says he'll bring nothing but shame and pain to my family as I've done to his.

After this horrible phone call, I called my Christian therapist and told her everything, which I'd been keeping from her due to my obvious guilt. She kept asking me what the urgency is in telling his wife; that these things take much time to work through emotionally and that her best advice is to take it slow. Which I'm doing. I want to ensure my motivation for telling her is right. Not only that, but she said I need to be aware of this situation from a legal perspective.

Oh God, forgive me.

Part of me feels like this is the biggest wake up call possible in my life right now, a life spent trying to find fulfillment in all the wrong places. Part of me thinks of the story in the Bible where Jesus talks to the adultress and simply tells her to go and sin no more. Is there room for grace? Is there room for mercy? It's going to be my fault if he does this to her again? I don't know; I'm fully prepared to be chewed out by the people on this forum.
I want to live in the truth, isn't it his choice to make the bed in which he lies?

A side note: he lives four hours away, and I'm in college and can't just jaunt off to hand deliver a letter immediately. I've never been to his house, have no idea where she works (like I said, I only know her occupation, which isn't conclusive). I only have his cell phone and business number.

Bless your heart,Zephyr. There is always room for grace and mercy. This is a huge thing to be placed on one so young,and I think you're handling it the best way you can. Some on this forum may "chew you out," but I won't. I know some of them are harsh in order to shake some sense into people,and sometimes that's warranted. But I'm just coming out of a situation where mercy and grace was extended to me,and that's what I'm extending to you right now.

(((((((((((((Zephyr))))))))))))

May you have the courage,strength and wisdom to do what is right!

Zephyr,
Of course there is mercy and grace for you, Jesus taught us that. Have you asked for his forgiveness? No one can take that away from you, he loves you!

I understand that you live too far to deliver the letter, sorry I did not know that before I responded.

As far as your Christian counselor is concerned, is he/she experienced in infidelity? I ask this because my wH's counselor and our minister told him to NEVER tell me about his affair. This condones lying to yourself and living a lie which I certainly find contrary to Christian principles. Will telling her make you feel any worse? I don't think so. This forum is full of women and men who were deceived by Christian spouses about affairs. To me, you need to move on without baggage attached. Not telling his wife will be something that you will know about and the deception will continue. She deserves to know.

Prayers to you, Ladysing

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly. PSALM 84:11

[QUOTE]Originally posted by zephyr22:
[QB]He called last night and I didn't have the power to just hang up. He kept saying "think about my kids, think about my kids." He mentioned how she would get her family, his family, and all his friends to turn against him and that his life would be ruined. Trying to totally pass it off on me, I know.

DO NOT take any phone call, messages, etc. from this man. Do you see that he is hanging on for dear life? He is worried NOW that HIS life will be ruined? Too bad. HE is married, YOU are not. You were both involved in the affair, but it is not your responsibility to save his skin now.

He will tell your family and bring shame on them? Don't believe it for a minute, he is not about to make himself look any worse. He is manipulating you. You were not strong enough to hang up? What will you do if he wants to see you? If you are honest with yourself and want to repent of this sin and move on then you must establish NO CONTACT NOW! He WILL contact you again and again, he is SCARED!

As far as your therapist warning you about legal issues, I think that the married man is the one with the legal issues. I don't know about this, but I think that that is a cop-out. Turn and face the storm, end this the right way so that you can move on. The longer you drag this out, the more likely he will get what he wants.

YOU deserve better and you know it. He deserves to face the consequences of his actions, do not let him hide behind a curtain of lies and manipulation.

I am a betrayed spouse, I am also a Christian and a mother. I have compassion for you and sincerely pray that you will resolve this and find peace in your life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jesus said let your yes be yes, and your no be no. He also said Satan is a liar and the father of lies. Nothing could be clearer. Any "Christian" counselor that condones lying is simply not following Christ's clear teachings, so I don't know why they bother to call themselves "Christian". As for mercy and forgiveness for the adulteress? Yes, of course, but she was repentant, wasn't she? Is he? If he was, he'd tell.

As for his children - almost all spouses will reconcile after the affair, if the WS is willing to change. If he is not willing to change, then a potential divorce is his fault, not yours, AND if he is not, you are putting the life of these children's mother at risk by not telling.

Thank you so much, Sincere, LadySing, and John. It's truly a miracle that I did a search on affairs and stumbled upon this forum, for I never expected to be met with such compassion and wise words.

At this point in the whole ordeal, I'm so nauseated by the chain of events that I can't even begin to think about seeking God's forgiveness, let alone my own. At the time I was involved with him, I was on this huge self-glorification trip, like I had so much power, the world on a string. I experienced those emotions so vividly at the time that it's hard to comprehend that I have any redeeming qualities in me at all. How can I trust and love myself again?

I am severing all contact with him, trusting that's the best thing. I still don't have a peace about telling his wife yet, especially after I communicated I wouldn't when he kept speaking of his kids. He sent me an email this morning talking of justice, mercy, and grace, and how he knows he deserves justice, but that I have extended him grace like he's never experienced before. He says it's making him reevaluate what he thinks of Jesus' unconditional love, because that is what I've shown him by extending this mercy.

Ugh. That man is hiding behind scripture and Jesus to justify his affair(s)? Then threatens to ruin your life if you don't do what he says? Hmmmm ... that is just soooo Christlike!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Talk about an ego-maniac!!

I don't think you will find a BS(betrayed spouse) on this board who will advise you NOT to tell. I was betrayed by my H... and how I wish to God someone, anyone had clued me in to my H's infidelities. Please Please tell her. She is entitled to make a decision about her life based on the truth, not on his lies. It would be the kindest thing you could do for her.

Faith in Christ... Baby

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zephyr22:
<strong>I still don't have a peace about telling his wife yet, especially after I communicated I wouldn't when he kept speaking of his kids. He sent me an email this morning talking of justice, mercy, and grace, and how he knows he deserves justice, .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are damn right he deserves "justice." And justice would mean exposure of his actions to his victims.

Sadly, noone in this nightmare has shown any mercy to the VICTIMS,ie: the children and the wife. The chutzpah of this man takes my breath away. For him to talk about "justice" is unbelievable and could only be spoken by a con man. "Justice" would be for his victims to find out what is being done to them behind their backs. Jesus does not condone lies and adultery and secrecy, but fidelity and openness and honesty and COMPASSION.

Zephyr: your "motivation" is completely beside the point and in no way negates your moral responsibility to alert this woman of the harm being done to her. Your motivation is irrelevent in relation to her best interest. You can't allow someone to be victimized just because your "motivations" are not pure. That is not a valid excuse to not do the right thing.

Please don't let fear of his anger divert you from doing the right thing for his wife. Your fear should not supercede her best interest.

In closing, be assured that adultery is NOT the unforgivable sin. If God can forgive you, then who are you to NOT forgive yourself?

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

oops!

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

"He says it's making him reevaluate what he thinks of Jesus' unconditional love, because that is what I've shown him by extending this mercy. "

IMO, this clown talking about "what he thinks about Jesus' unconditional love" is a complete joke. As someone mentioned before, he's a player and will likely continue to cat around on his wife unless you come clean. Sorry for the tone but it's simple really.

Zephyr,
Not to sound too preachy but all sin was in the future when jesus died for us. he still loves you. You have many wonderful redeeming qualities. Your honesty and bravery is commendable. Don't let him threaten you. Tell his wife and end all contact with him. Change your email, change your phone number, keep yourself safe from him. He is full of crap. Don't listen to it anymore. Get help for you and get on with YOUR life.
We are always here for you.
(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Layli

Zephyr22, You have shown amazing courage and maturity by coming here. I commend you.

I have to agree with the others on this. His W needs to be told. He told you he had other affairs before you (yeah I know he later recanted, so do lots of people when it comes time to pay the piper).

If you don't tell he will keep this up because he has had no conciquences for his actions and one day he will bring home some STD to his W. maybe even AIDS/HIV. It's kind of like a child playing with fire, they will keep it up until they are burnt and maybe hurt someone else too if they are not taught not to do that . There is more at stake her than his marriage, he is putting his W's very life in danger, she has a right to know that !

I have been here at MB a long time, I have seen far too many wives post here who have had to face the hurt of the affair AND had to be treated for an STD.

So please think of this woman's health if nothing else.

Zephyr,
Deb's health concern is right on and I thank her for bringing it up. My brother had an affair (he was married w/ 3 kids) and contracted Aids as a result. He DIED from it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This was the FIRST his wife or anyone in our family knew anything about his infidelity. He continued to sleep with his wife and now she lives with the fear that it could surface and kill her also.

The lies and denial are something we all have to live with. Although the percentage of this is very low, to our family it was the ultimate price paid for infidelity...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zephyr22:
<strong>Funny how I can't trust a man who's been lying to his wife, eh? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo!

If you do tell her.Make sure you tell your H also, that is if you are M.

md

Zephyr,
Just checking up on you today. Are you ok?

Hey LadySing, thanks so much for checking up on me. For the record, I'm not married nor have I ever been. I do recognize that I will need to confess this with whomever I take my vows in the future.

Today and yesterday have been quite difficult; I decided to get tested for STD's on Wednesday just to be safe after this whole experience, and the health clinic here at school actually thinks I might have contracted something. I was treated for gonorrhea and chlamydia, although I won't receive word on an official diagnosis until tomorrow morning. The antibiotics tore up my digestive tract and it's been really painful on top of everything else. If I receive a positive diagnosis tomorrow, looks like he'll have no other choice than to tell his wife.

I met with my therapist tonight and we talked about all the emotions I'm going through right now, and the emotions leading up to the affair, etc. It feels so good to confess and admit that I have such a serious problem, that I need help (I'd been keeping this from her). I'd been keeping my compelling need for intimacy with men from her, and it's perhaps the biggest issue that I need to excavate and deal with at this point in my life.

I know everyone keeps telling me to tell his wife, and I'm still working through the implications. Logistically it's a bit difficult right now considering they live four hours away and all I have are his cell phone and business phone numbers. Obviously I'll have no other choice if my doctor's suspicions are affirmed tomorrow morning. Also, I know this is selfish of me, but I know he would tell my mom and dad if I tell his wife. I'm worried about being cut off financially while still in school. I never dreamed that my family would be hurt in this whole process, and I'm trying to figure out if I should go to them on my own and confess everything. Should they have to deal with this too? Living in the truth is definitely preferable to perpetuating lies, but there are things my family doesn't know about me merely because I've never felt I would be received with love and grace. I have not made a covenant with my family the way this man did with his wife, and consequently, children.

Someone please tell me if I'm cleverly deceiving myself with this rhetoric.

Anyone out there who prays, please pray for his wife and children's health, his health, and my health. Disease knows no age or face.

I will let everyone know tomorrow as soon as I find out about the test results. In the mean time, please continue to pray for healing and that God will change his heart and move him to repent.

I meant to mention that after severing communication yesterday, there were no attempts in contacting me today! yay!!!

Zephyr,
I am glad that you went to the doctor. Your health is a major concern in this issue. If the results are positive, will you just contact him? It sounds like you do not know how to get in touch with his W. I would be concerned if this is the case because based on his track record, he is not going to tell her the truth even if it means that she could be infected.Your school's health department might need to get involved. You don't know how many women he has been sleeping with, he's not exactly an honest guy... Remember, she is a new mother and could be nursing the baby. These issues just continue to pile up...

As far as telling his W about the A. No one can make you do that. I realize the implications and that you are concerned about your relationship with your parents. I do believe that as long as you do not tell her, you will be living with the baggage of hurting the innocents in this situation. If you HAD to find her, I believe that you could do it through his work.

I have 2 sons in college and I understand that although you are dependant on your parents for financial support, you are an adult. At this time I do not think that you need to tell them about the A, you have enough to deal with now. As you said, he betrayed his vows to his W. You made a horrible decision, but as a single woman, you betrayed yourself and God, not another person. I DO NOT believe for one minute that he would tell your parents, HE IS BLUFFING!

Do you really believe that he would admit to anyone that he has cheated on his wife and 2 young children with a college student? To her parents? As someone else said earlier, most marriages do not end in divorce as a result of an A. If he has any chance of saving his marriage, he will not go out and rent a billboard to announce that he is a snake!

Please do everything you can to restore your physical and mental health and DO NOT regard his feelings regarding any of this. He is scared, he is desperate and he is continuing to lie to you. If he contacts you, DO NOT talk to him.

Peace to you, Ladysing

Z22,

I have to say that I don't think he'll tell your parents either. How in the world would that make him look? I don't recall Bill rushing to tell Monica's parents. It makes him look like a giant perv.

Additionally i'd suggest that you take it a day at a time. If need be i'm sure you'll tell her that you have something. But don't beat yourself up if you need to take a day or 2 before you do.

I told the wife about a year ago. It was one of the most emotional experiences of my life.