I've been really stressed outlately and it seems like regardless of what I try, my 5 year old just won't mind or be nice to his younger brother. To add to that frustration is my XH constantly saying how he would just make him mind and he just needs structure and so on. I feel like saying "you think you can do a better job, do it for a weekend, let's see". Of course my OS wont eat in his car, but for crying out loud he's only in it once a month. I have to take him on three hour trips. I guess I'm just frustrated and even more frustrated that I feel like maybe the ex is right and I suck at being a mother. Everyone keeps saying that I'll want more kids and I know I never will, ever. I am having a hard time with the two I have. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I don't love my kids as much as everyone else loves theirs and my kids don't mind, and what the f**k is wrong with Me!!!!!!??????? I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm on the edge and slipping. Sometimes I don't think I can take it anymore.

Hi rainefall

I just wanted to send you a hug. You are not the first mother in the world to feel like this- and I am sure you are a good mother. But parenting is a long hard job, and when we are left to do it single handed there are days when it dfeels like a chore. To compound that with criticsm from your X and its no wonder you feel drained. Yes your son needs boundaries- but they sghould be ones you are comfortable in maintaining on a daily basis not those imposed nby someone who dosn't have to maintain them. You love your kids and are doing the best you can for them. And don't forget the eldest behaviour will partly be due to reaction to his F's actions. Hang on in there- and don't worry what others say. For some mums 2 children are enough- there is nothing wrong in that particularly when they are so young.

Jante

rainefall,

My boys are 8 & 10 and I have felt this way since they were infants. I have always struggled with them and now they fight constantly and tell me they hate each other's guts... they draw blood from one another and tears through the house throwing stuff at each other (usually my stuff).

My ex told me the other night that someone remarked to him a few years ago that "just because a woman can have kids doesn't mean she should have kids". Mind you I'm extremely stressed this week with f-t work and school and weaning myself off Paxil... this just hit me in the heart.

I have had my boys in and out of counseling for their misbehaviors in school and daycare centers and he says I shouldn't be taking them... I'M the one with the problem with them... they are angles with him (we share joint custody).

I dread picking my boys up at the end of the day and I dread getting up in the morning when I have them knowing it will be one big fight after another. The other day my 8-year-old was mad at me for something and as we're walking out the front door he's in front of me and shut it in my face (my hands were full with bags, books and coffee)... it's very depressing to have such horrible thoughts of giving my ex full custody.

I know how you feel!!

Good luck to you!

Sending you hugs...

Maybe you are sharing too much of the responsibility for the boys? Maybe their father should help out more? Are you giving yourself plenty of mommie-time-outs? Sounds like you need some mommie time out... Perhaps a weekend away for the boys would be a terrific idea?

It's okay to feel like running away from motherhood, I believe that's normal when the pressure mounds. You are dealing with a lot of emotional issues right now and so are your kids. Give yourself permission not to feel guilty for being normal! It sounds to me like you have a strong-willed child and you can't "just make them do" anything. They have minds of their own.

If he doesn't behave, take away all his "stuff" for 2 days, then give it all back. Taking away one thing doesn't work cuz they just go play with other stuff. Everything goes in boxes for 2 days each time he breaks a house rule until he can learn how to behave. You can't control him but you DO control his stuff. It's not too early for him to learn this lesson.

We don't have to lose OUR sanity because our kid is behaving like a fool! Hang in there! Don't give up on yourself! (((HUGS)))

RF,

Don't give up hope! I am the single mother of a VERY rambunctious 4.5 year old. I have gone from a passive, "boys will be boys" mommy to a "do you want me to kill you - COME HERE!" mommy.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!! We all go through it. I am. My friends are. Everybody is. There are days that I like my son better than others. I always love him, but boy does he make it hard sometimes. Mine taugh all the kids at school a cuss word and got them all to chant it. My mother says that makes him a leader. :pulling my hair out:

Anyway, talk to other parents. Keep trying and be consistent. You're doing the hardest job in the world and it sounds like you have little support. Surround yourself with other parents and surrender judgement of yourself (and your child).

Oh and keep talking about it. Some of the best idea I got for getting my child to mind came from other parents.

To celebrate 1 week of good behavior (his first in a while) we're going on a movie date tomorrow. Just him and me.

((((((((((( RF )))))))))))

You need some time for YOU. It's time for rainefall to plan A rainefall... and plan B the comments of her H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

When I was in the women's shelters, I was taught the importance of using "time out" with my 3 1/2 yr old (the twins are too young, and according to that system they can get away with murder! augh!). I'm doing my best to continue to use it at our new house, although I know I'm not getting it right (b/c I'm showing him anger instead of talking calmly).

I too, am imperfect. It's that human thing. But in the longrun, I wouldn't have it any other way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep us posted, and let us know what you're doing to make YOU feel better (that plan A stuff). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

I have 3 kids, and there are days I long for my pre children, free and single days. In all honesty, I would not give them up.

Kids go through stages. My first two are close in age. One thing I noticed was what we experienced with the oldest, the next year, was the same with the next one. So, every other year, each one seems to have a bad year, so every year is bad.LOL.

My kids hate each other one day, love each other the next. This also can change from minute to minute and hour to hour.

Since you are the primary care giver, you need a parenting style that works for you. Ignore the X. Of course kids are angels for the parent they have weekends with. They don't see them often, and they get to do fun stuff. One more thing, they (your kids) know that no matter how they behave, you are still there for them. Maybe they don't have the same confidence with dad. It sort of goes along the same concept as, they are good for the sitter, good for the neighbor, and monsters for you. In a way, it is a compliment to you. They know you love them so much, you accept them as is. So ignore all those other folks who think you are a "bad" mom because your kids are not angels. One of my sayings is, I have perfect kids. Want to know what makes the perfect? They behave as kids.

Have you read the book "how to talk so kids will listen" I started it, never had time to finish it. What I read made sense. It has been recommended by many people.

Don't give up, it gets easier, in about 15 years (thats a joke)

Siblings fight. And there are days, you are more of a Ref than a mom. I came from a family of 8 kids. Do you think that house was ever peaceful? (Did I mention that 7 of those kids were girls). We had our squabbles, my mom let us work it out. She intervened when it looked like someone might get hurt. (in other words, when it got physical)

How old is the younger brother?

How long have you been divorced? Some of this could be because of the changes in the home. It will take time to adjust. I have friends who are divorced with kids. It takes a couple of days for things to go back to normal after a visit with dad.

Don't measure your parenting style by others.

<small>[ February 01, 2003, 02:05 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Parenthood is the mother of all jobs. Doing it by yourself is even harder, I admire you.

Do you have a parentline available to you? If so do call it they will give some very good coping advice.

Time-out works both ways.. its good for the kids and its great for the parent.

I have a child with medical problem ( whoopy brainwaves), it makes him angry.. it used to drive me insane. What worked for me with him is...if he broke a boundrey, I learnt to never say a word to him , while he was cranky and I was cranky. I just removed him from whatever it was that was causing the crap. PLaced him in a not so great place..the laundrey, nothing fun to play with in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ..not like his bedroom.He learnt very quickly..its the right way or watch the washing machine go around and around till he was quiet. ( yes I learnt this from a parent line)

After he was quiet he was given something completly different to do. Never rewarded but a small thing to make him feel good..important maybe is the best wording there.We always did these small things together.

He still has his cranky outbursts but he now gives himself timeout, and has done so since he was 3, he's now 12.

Try not to listen to your ex and his manly crap, You are a good mother , you have proven that by posting and seeking help.

Set your boundries, help your child set his and love each other.

I wish you well.

<small>[ February 01, 2003, 02:48 AM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

rainefall--I don't really have any answers for you, but if it helps any, I know exactly how you feel! My kids drive me nuts!! I have 2 girls, 9 and 6, and they fight all the time. My older one is worse--she lies to me and every time I tell her to do something she just stands there and grunts and moans and bounces. Weird, huh? But she really does--she will stand in one spot and bounce, meanwhile making the noises and ignoring everything I say. And whines constantly! And I'm starting to wonder if everybody thinks I'm crazy bc she is a perfect angel everywhere else! I've tried so many tactics when it comes to discipline I don't know what there is left that I haven't tried!

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, since I haven't yet figured out anything that'll work with my own, but believe me, you're not alone. I go through the same feelings--wondering if I don't love them enough, if there's something wrong with me, etc. Just hang in there, and try to avoid getting too stressed out. And make sure to take time for yourself once in awhile--even an hour or two just to destress and have some peace and quiet. Also a hot bath, scented candles and nice music after the kids are in bed can work wonders.

{{{{RF}}}}
Big hugs to you!
Ihave 3 kids...12,13(girls) and 14(boy)
My son is ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive) also EI (emotionally impared) AND ODD (oppositional defiance disorder)
Lots of "labels" but not lots of "help" dealing with his issues. He gets VIOLENTLY angry at times over small things. (punches holes in walls...hits trees...throws things etc...) he is also 5'6 and 160 pounds...wayyyyy bigger than me! He learned something called "turtle" when he was in the 4th grade and close to getting expelled for behavior. In turtle mode, he finds a quiet spot and sort of focuses inward untill HE feels he's able to control himself. It doesn't always work, but it gives HIM the power over HIMSELF! He's doing MUCH better now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Behold the power of Prayer!!!

Also, my 13yo daughter is cutting herself. She has NUMEROUS scars on her arms (including when she cut her wrist) and stomach. These are the result of her Dad's A. She internalized allof her pain and feels "release" when she cuts enough to bleed. We are trying to find help qualified for her.

All of my kids are college level readers and way above average intelligence. I am PROFOUNDLY grateful that they are capable of working through their hardships.

No matter how your kids act out, know two things will hold true:
1) they WILL grow up and grow out of 90% of their behavior problems.
2) there are worse kids than yours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (not being facetious, trust me...I found out the hard way!)

Best of luck and God Bless!

I'm feeling better today, although I have to admit that a real "mommie" weekend would be great. My youngest son has been up for about two days straight (he'll be 1 next week). He's been sick and up all night for about 9 months and I guess I just have reached the point where I can't take it anymore.

My oldest son is 5 and he's doing a little better today. I appreciate all of the advice and I appreciate knowing that I'm normal. You all are the best.

I wonder if I'm worse however. I have been thinking and I have decided that whenever my ex is around, I am more ornery. Sometimes I even question if I even understand love. I know I love my children, but even knowing that the idea that I might not truly love them is in my mind, than it makes me feel really crappy.

ONe of my best friends in the world was the ultimate stressed out mom when her kids were young. I was on the phone with her one day when she screamed at her 2 year old "get away from me - I wish you were never born!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I was like, ok. Time to drop her off and my house and go get your nails done!

It's the toughest job IN THE WORLD!!!!!!

God bless Rainefall