Marriage that is not worth saving???
Things are better on the surface, you know as long as i don't make waves. Well i have started making waves and WHAT would you do in my situation????

Its 3:55 am this morning and my home phone rings. Its OW, calling she is in jail and needs my H to bail her out. He ask me if he can go, invites me along, i decline, i frankly don't give a %$(&% that she is in jail. Irresponsible, imoral person that she is, that is where she belongs. He goes and bails her out. If i had said don't you dare, what a ***** i would seem. If i say like i did, what ever. I feel like used toilet paper. I am fast getting to the point that i don't care. Then there will not be a plan b there will be a plan D. Because WHO CARES??? he aparently doesn't, so why the H#&$ should I.

I am writing him this E-mail what do you think,

Sweetheart,

I love you very much. This morning was very hard for me. I know i said i wouldn't be mad. and i'm really not mad. I'm tired. I'm tired of you having to bail her out. I'm tired of feeling disrespected in our relationship. I always feel like my feelings come second You know the kind of person that i am. You know i would never not help someone in need. Thats who we are. But this hurts me. I feel like I am being taken advantage of by everyone. No one thinks about how i feel, and if they do think about it they don't give a rats [censored]. It really hurts me that you can not see that your relationship with ** is keeping us from having a good relationship. I know you say you are just friends, but forgive me if that is hard to understand because i have heard that one before and well, we both know that was a lie. Who is to say that you are not stringing me along because you want to have your cake and eat it to. You don't really want to be with her because you know what that will cost you. But you don't want to end your relationship with her because she is still meeting some need that you have. I think that i know that your physical relationship is over, but i know also that your emotional relationship with her is ongoing. I am having a hard time dealing with this. What do you think our choices are now?

with love,
sara

Sorry for the long vent,

thanks for sticking with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: notgoingtodothis ]</small>

notgoingtodothis.
Plainly your H ignores your feelings. He has no responsibility to bail this woman out of jail. Whatever she did to get there, she should have stayed!
And this cost money to bail her out as well. She'll never repay it.
I think I would have had to tell my H if he went to rescue her, pack before leaving and don't come back.
This is way beyond friendship! this is taking advantage of you and rubbing it in your face.
I think you should make it clear to him that he ends this with her or get out.
I know some will not agree with me. But no wife should have to endure this type of slamming.
Who cares is the OW is in jail? She must have done something to end up there and that is her problem and her doing.
Draw lines in the sand now. Hell, I couldn't care less it the OW called dying and he could save her, he better not go.
She's history in our life and better stay there.
No, you are not being cruel to deny this woman a rescue mission. She is being cruel to even think she can used your H and she did!
helping someone in need is not the same as helping out this OW! her needs are not supposed to be your or his concern at all.
Let her take her punchs for her own decisions.
But he is way out of bounds on this. And I think your letter is way too nice.
You have not given him any idea of you not accepting his decisons in your relationship. And you have not given him the risk factors he needs to know. What Risk? That you are not going to stay around for this and it's time he changed his tune fast!
As long as you accept his choices, he will use you. Take a firm stand now.
LouLou

Sara, I posted to you on DB's thread before I saw this one. I can't beleave that this happened to you. I'm having a hard time dealing with my H's memories of the OW. I can't imagine having to deal with her calling in the middle of the night. I als think that the e-mal is to nice... I think you guys need to change your phone number. I don't think I would put up with that.... but I also thought I never put up with a cheating H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I hope your MC isn't canceled so this can come out tonight.
Here is a <<<hug>>> to help get you thru the day.
SH01

I agree with LouLou's last sentence! "Take a firm stand now."

You said: "He asks me if he can go, invites me along. I decline." .... HOLD the phone! What were your EXACT words when he asked you if he could go? Did you say "NO. DON'T GO. I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME THAT YOU DO NOT DO THIS." ????

Why not be 100% honest from the get-go??? Your H may have gotten the impression you did not NEED him to stay .... and the OW certainly gave your H the impression she NEEDED him! What if your H has a huge need to be needed by his woman?????

<small>[ February 06, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I have a question? I read all of these threads of women who have been cheated on several times and they still want to be with the WH, I did it once and my wife is unsure if she wants to be with me or if she can ever trust me again, I understand I lied for a year about my goals and that is huge but still it is one time. I wish that these WH had to work at it a little, then they might realize how hard trust is to really gain. I think some of you should tell them it is either me or her period. Make them work for it, then you find out if they really love you or not.

I think this point by Pepper is right on the mark:

"Why not be 100% honest from the get-go??? Your H may have gotten the impression you did not NEED him to stay"

Pepper jerked a knot upside my haid yesterday for not being honest with my W about something much less serious than this. Your H probably not only didn't get the impression you need him based on your response, he was LOOKING for ANYTHING in your response that he might be able to rationalize as approval for his cake-eating. It's too bad you can't turn back the clock, but you can't. You should talk to him about this, with complete honesty.

And definitely, the NEXT time she calls from jail ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), MAKE YOUR STAND.

-Qfwfq

ighoping:

"Make them work for it, then you find out if they really love you or not. "

But that's the point. They can't make their WH's do ANYTHING.

BSs that hang on even after multiple As do so because they believe there is something worth saving in spite of what's happened.

At the very least, as a BS, I have come to realize (though it was pointed out to me many times before it finally sunk in) that the A gave me an opportunity to look inward that I wouldn't have taken if it hadn't have been for the seriousness of the impact of finding out for me. I've learned a lot about myself that I wouldn't have even begun to try to do under "normal" circumstances.

-Qfwfq

If OW had called my house at that hour of the morning and was in jail, the only way my husband would have gone would be with a suitcase and two broken legs. How dare he ask to go, and double-dare by asking if you want to come? He needs to sever ALL ties with this woman, you need to change your number to an unlisted one (even if this is against your husbands wishes) and see a MC soon. The money you save by not bailing this OW out of jail, you guys could take a much needed and probably beneficial vacation. Girl, nip it in the bud and do it now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thanks all for the responses. Your right I should have told him not to go, I know he would have gone anyway and then there would have been a huge fight. but at least he would have understood where i stand. I am in plan a, have been way to long, i have enabled this A. I feel like this is one battle i will never win. When i say that to him he says "you have already won, i'm still with you arn't I." What am i the consolation prize. Any way. I revised my E-mail Here it is.

Sweetheart,

I love you very much. This morning was very hard for me. I know i said i wouldn't be mad. and i'm really not mad. I'm tired. I'm tired of you running to her rescue like a knight in shining armor. I'm tired of feeling disrespected in our relationship. When is the last time i called you and you dropped what you were doing and ran to help me. I have called you in the middle of the night when i needed help and you left me stranded. I have called you when you were hunting and you acted like i was a burden to put up with. She calls and you tell me to hurry up. I always feel like my feelings come second You know the kind of person that i am. You know i always help someone in need. Thats who I am,and that is one of the things i loved about you. But this hurts me, I need you, I need you to take care of me. I feel like we are in the trouble we are now because you don't think you have to take care of me. I need you and you haven't been there. I feel like I am being taken advantage of by everyone. No one thinks about how i feel, and if they do think about it they don't give a rats [censored]. It really hurts me that you can not see that your relationship with ** is keeping us from having a good relationship. I know you say you are just friends, but forgive me if that is hard to understand because i have heard that one before and well, we both know that was a lie. Who is to say that you are not stringing me along because you want to have your cake and eat it to. You don't really want to be with her (because you know what that will cost you.) But you don't want to end your relationship with her because she is still meeting some need that you have. I hear you when you say that your physical relationship is over, but i know also that your emotional relationship with her is ongoing. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I'm not sure how much longer I can sit nicely by, biting my tounge and being kind when what i really want to do is scream at you to respect me and us. But how can that be when i no longer respect myself. For what it is worth, I love you, I need you, and I want you.

Love

Probably not hard enough,
I will work on being straight forward in the future. Being the nice, loving, plan a wife isn't working for me.

What have i got to lose, the booby prize???

not:

I'd hate to put it this way, but in a way you can't expect to have the right to lambast him NOW, when you "gave him permission" to go to the aid of the OW, can you?

But I know how hard it is to be radically honest with the WS in a situation like that, where you're trying so hard NOT to LB. It's not a very nice place to be.

-Qfwfq

I think the second e-mail is just about perfect. You tell him what you need, how you feel, and what you want from him. And I don't really see anywhere that you are doing any major LB's.

Just one change. Take out 'For what it's worth' in the last sentence. It sounds defeatist. Leave the rest of the last sentence.

April

Lghoping. If my H had had A's close together, I wouldn't still be married. The two were 23 yrs apart.
I did not do Plan A or B. I simply gave ultimatums. And I meant them. I figured I had nothing to lose anymore. If he could do that to me, then I didn't want him unless he made a 180 fast.
He did change and we're doing very well. His A was in 2001, ended Sept 29th. 2001.
He was in Fl, we live in CA. I called and found him and talked to OW. He ran outside and refused to even let her tell me he was there. SAid he'd left days before.
If ever again, he'll be history in my life.
If you did once, you have much to make up for. I think you must be trying, but is there something your wife ask you to do that you didnt'?
Perhaps she ask you to tell ow off for her? I would have liked that too.
Anyhow, I hope she gives you another chance. But some people just can't cope with it. I had a very hard time, it almost cost me my life too.
The pain and depression from finding out about first one, but I was better able to cope last time. I had made up my mind he wasn't worth it.
NOr anyone else either. I could have let him go and gone right on.
You see, WS's do not understand now much pain they cause, and how much love they kill in the BS. You need to realize, your W may not love you as she did and may never again. My love for H changed, He will never have me as he did before.
Notgoingtodothis! It's called letting him know what you will not endure anymore. If he goes to her aid, make it clear he is not to return. Because you need to see and feel and know you are first, last and always the most important to him.
My opinion, if a WS can't stop the contact, and can still do things that hurt you by staying friends, they're not worth your time anymore.
Your H is way out of bounds. And he will stay that way as long as he thinks he can control it all. And has nothing to lose.
Yes, I'd still bring up last night. He needs to know how you felt and the shock of seeing him run to her.
It's not past yet! Stand up and be either one and only, or move on without him.
If ow is such a scag to be in jail to begin with, maybe they should suit each other. She can drag him on down in the sewer with her!
but hold your head up and don't be part of it anymore.
God bless, LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If i had said don't you dare, what a ***** i would seem.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Setting boundaries does not make you a b****. I had a similar situation a couple days ago--OW called at 5:30am, needed a ride to work, and H kinda looked at me like he didn't know what to do. Even had the nerve to ask "should I go get her?" All I did was give him a look--the "are you out of your freakin mind? do it and die sucker" look and he turned her down. If I had not said anything or given him permission, he probably would have done it. If your H is anything like mine, he doesn't realize that something will hurt you unless you tell him flat out. I agree with Pepper--you should have been totally honest about how you felt. Even tho to you something is perfectly clear and should not even need to be addressed, your H cannot read your mind (even tho most people could see that this would be hurtful to you). In other words, sometimes the WS can be totally clueless as to what will and won't hurt you, so you need to be honest and clear when it comes to your feelings.

Thank you all for you advice, it is much appreciated. Just to know that there is people who i can talk to has made all the difference to me. Last night when i got home he was in the poor me mode. Talking about if his life insurace was current becasue he has nothing to live for ect. I am emotionally dead. I wish i were a bird so i could just fly away. I guess this to shall pass. I don't even know where to begin.

thanks again

sara

Sara -
How was your counseling session?
K

Sara,Have you sent him the e-mail? What was his response to it if you had. It really sounds like your H iis going thru major withdrawel..
I can tell you at times I too have felt like you like just wanting to fly away. Those days are getting fewer and farther between. I know that it'll still be awile before they are gone for good. Just keep in mind that we are here for you . This is still real fresh for you and it does take time.
((((hugs))))
SH01

I'm dealing with this also. Notgoingtodothis, he is in love with her. Not YOU....he wants to be with her....you know this, you can't deal with the humiliating results of it.
Just him saying about the insurance comfirms it.
What I read of PlanA is it's suppose to be for six mos. only. Other wise it is beyond anyone's suffering to be able to cope with. Then PlanB.
Plan A as I read I could retrieve the post, which would take awhile.....states, Plan A is to show the WS that you are a sweetheart too. This is to get you into shape and form. Plan B is to get them off the fence sitting. Plan A is cake eating Plan B is divorce....Plan A I wasn't under the impression it was for WS to eat cake....not seeing NC no contact is no contact and he has to tell her this in front of YOU>>>. Do you think that you will not ever ever find another man that would love you. It takes time. I think PlanA and Plan B is to get really mixed up that you have to call Mr. Harley .....I read that he would not expect the Plans to go on and on and on.....I think it is a tactic just before you call him and charge your credit card sessions......if one was dieing would you think sitting in the house waiting for the end is what is smart to do? It's possible that some do this as in the person dieing goes out to sow his oats while the other one sits in and says, "It's okay, don't mind me, I will be here waiting for your safe return back."
I would think someone would have the smarts to say "Hey, let's book a vacation and get our minds off this horrible stuff for now." "Even if we can't afford it, what does it matter when it's not going to matter when the time comes if you saved it all, can't take it with you." I am faced with this on top of what you all are going through too. I am losing ground for I also have a triple over that that makes it even worse......you ask what could be worse, well, just ask me and I will sincerely tell you ..... the whole of it is to cut your loses now or later, all this work for what....time is short and it does take time to find another and the point is preparing yourself for it is fun too. Weight it all out and see the balancing dish what is more important, the Harley's, your marriage, your life enjoyment......your self..........your heart.......your dignity........your happiness....

Hey

BT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I tried to find your story, I wish i knew someone in my situation. I also worry everyday that i am being made a fool of. Probably am.
Anyway working very hard to get to plan b- I am slow learner. But once i get it, i got it if you know what i mean.

Notdoing,
I'm very sorry for being so harsh!
I realize it is very hard for you.
I just have been through an ordeal, and it's not like it's my first time.
I get angry, though to be fair to you, I just responded to fireman1, his post was in January and I just told him I read it.....now.
The reason I did this is because I read your post on finding someone's posts, story. Since I had recently emailed you, I had this feeling maybe you were trying to find my story.
I understand that you would want to know who I am.
Just letting you know I did kind of sensed it.
I just got back from going down the club with bf, and it turned out to be a heartache, for he was not giving me compensation, considerating what I have been through. I know why.......now more so...that is why I am here tonight instead of in his arms. Looking for my post I figure you were reading reading reading, I didn't realize all the post til I followed what the person you had asked on how to do this. I just typed BarbT into the top box and it all came up do it ....you have to click on Search.........first....