Hi all. I've written a Plan B type letter to WH. It's partially a response to a letter he wrote me Jan.29. That letter is posted on pg.3 of Gen Q.II, topic "WH sends letter...". I don't know how to include it in this post or I would. Anyway, if any of you would be so kind as to give your opinions, I'd really appreciate it.

Dear H-
It has taken some time for me to respond to your letter because I have been thinking so much. I will be, and always have been, honest with you. That's why it's taken me so long to respond - I want to get it right.
First, let me say that, despite all that has happened, I still think we can make our marriage work. I still love you, and you still love me, and that's a big plus. I've been doing a lot of reading, and a lot of thinking, and I realize that I need to make some changes in my life. I know I have hurt you in the past, and I am sorry for that. Believe me please when I say that it was through ignorance, never intentional. I have learned some ways to make you happier, and with your help I would like to learn more.
Living here this winter has been extra work, but I'm managing. For me, the hardest part has been living alone. Perhaps the best illustration is a revelation I had several weeks ago, when S and S'sGF were visiting. I woke up one of those mornings and my first thought was, "I'm alone", and I felt very sad. Then I realized that, oh, S and S's GF are downstairs, I'm not the only one in the house, but I was still just as sad. Then it hit me - the sadness of being alone was not due to physical aloneness, but of missing my life partner, you. We have had each other to talk to, bounce ideas off of, laught with, make love with, make plans with, raise a family with, and just generally BE with for over 25 years. Now my heart is aching with that loss. I am grieving, perhaps in a way similar to the grieving that goes on when a spouse dies.
But you are not dead, you are alive and involved with another woman. As you might imagine the past 6 months have been a rollercoaster for me. I still have a long way to go, but I am coping better now. I am living my life day to day, with glimpses of the future now and then. I would truly be happy if my future included you - us - but I am preparing myself to be a stronger person no matter what.
As I have stated before the only way for our reconciliation to have any chance is for you to end it with OW. Until you decide that is what you want, I cannot see you or talk to you because I am reminded of what you are doing, and it is too painful. I have to protect myself from the pain, and protect the love I have left for you from being lost forever.
The decision of what you do next is and always has been yours. As you said in your letter you will be searching your soul for solid conclusions, and I truly hope you are successful. I will also continue soul-searching, and coming to my own conclusions, one day at a time, growing as a person.
I appreciate you telling me your plans - going back to work, getting your own apartment, what's going on with joint finances. I will also inform you of similar types of activities on my end. I ask that wecontact each other through your mother, she has been there for both of us from the beginning and I will never forget that.
As you continue to sort out your thoughts, please remember that I love you.
Love,

I was going to add something like please remember that I love you, and that it's never too late to turn around, but I'm afraid it might be too preachy. Thanks in advance for you input!
lablady

Me BS 47
WH 48
M 24yrs
S 24, D 22
OW 44, widow/co-worker
H has had 2 other A's in the past, DDay 1990, both co-workers, 1 PA, 1 EA
DDay this time 8/02 EA
9/02 PA
H goes back and forth btwn me and OW for 2 mos
10/09/02 I tell H to leave, he moves in with mother
11/02 H goes on disability to stay away from OW, promises NC
Still in contact w/ OW
12/10/02 Promises NC, wants to come home for holidays
12/17/02 still in contact with OW
H moves in with OW 12/31/02
1/29/03 I receive letter from H

I re-wrote the paragraph about conditions for coming home after reading some previous comments about getting tougher. After all, he has been fence-sitting for 6 months.

As I have stated before, the only way for us to reconcile is for you to end it with OW and to show me positive proof that this has happened. Until you decide that this is what you want I cannot see you or talk to you because I am reminded of what you are doing, and it is too painful. I have to protect myself from that pain, and protect the love I have left for you. For reconciliation to occur I also insist that you continue IC and that we see a MC.

What do you think?
Thanks!
LabLady

"As I have stated before, the only way for us to reconcile is for you to end it with OW and to show me positive proof that this has happened."
i read this and the only thought i have is ,,how could he show proof?i'd get rid of that part.it may put him in a "i cant win" position.i mean you can prove he is,but its hard to prove he isn't.
the rest is pretty good.i like the fact that you made it clear that your life will go on.
i got lucky and never had to go this far,but if i did it would have probably said the same things.

Thanks RobS for your comments. You're right, I can't think of a way to prove he isn't still in the affair, either, so I'll take that part out. Writing this letter put things in perspective for me, made me come to terms with the fact that I may be living without him for the rest of my life. That's a big thing to realize, and I had to decide if I was going to let my life turn into a bitter existence because of this, or if I wanted to come out of it feeling life is worth living. It's really a no-brainer! I know I'll have some bad days no matter what happens, but there is a growing sense of "I can" that feels good. I'm glad you didn't have to go to Plan B, I hope your M is what you want it to be. Thanks again!
Lablady

I'd suggest a revamping, more in lines with the samples here!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

I have been helping starman write his plan B letter also. I included the leter I sent to my WW in his post. It is not perfect by any means but I did have Jennifer Chalmers help me write it. When I get more time I will read your and respond more then.

STTSI

Thanks NSR, I printed out the Plan B samples and will read them later today. I really do want to get this right, let H know the door is open, but not forever and not without regard for my boundaries. I am going to Borders after work today, try to find SAA, another about The Language of Letting Go, whatever else I can find. I appreciate your input!

SSTSI-I read your story, so young, so much trouble! I guess the best way to view your sitch is what others have already said - you've received a gift, get out of this and find the happiness you deserve. Thanks for taking the time to look at my stuff.

LabLady

lablady- thanks for reading my post, I am trying to move on but it is not easy.

Anyway, not trying to thread hop, but I thought you might want to look at starman's letter and my letter which I posted in starman's thread for him to pull from. Here is a link to his thread to further give you some ideas.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=022470

STTSI