Back in September 2002 I contracted HSV from my WW. It was at that time that I learned of her affair with a man that she had met at our city's public library. She met this man about two times per week for about two months, at which time they would talk and kiss. In the end, she ended up having sex with this man one time in the back of his SUV. She then realized the magnitude of what she had done and told the OM not to contact her anymore. Unfortunately, she had unknowingly contracted HSV from the OM and had infected me.

Since that time, we have had our ups and downs, along with more tears than I care to think about. I had all of the normal reactions, anger, pain, wanting to divorce, but in the end I decided that rebuilding our marriage was what I really wanted to do. For the next few months I would frequently break down and ask her questions about what her and the OM had done when they met. I also asked her what I had done, or not done, to allow her to act this way. She did not fully understand the motivation behind her actions and often could only say that she had been selfish and was not thinking about me when she was with the OM. I would grill her over how she could risk our health by having unprotected sex with a man that she knew very little about. I would remind her that he could have been sleeping with prostitutes, or worse, could have been a serial killer for all she knew. She would always break down and cry and I would feel guilty about all of the questions that I had asked her.

During the first few months after D-day I wanted to have sex with her all of the time. She would then tell me that sex loses something if you do it on a routine basis. I could tell that she felt bad about what she had done and truly wanted to rebuild our marriage. She did her best to meet my every need and often neglected herself in the process. At D-day plus four months, however, I would still drag us both down with my question and answer sessions. This would usually happen during over the weekend, as my mind would become filled with thoughts and images of her being with OM when I was off from work each weekend. It was during this time that I then began to piece together how my actions had created the environment which allowed for her to have an affair. I am often percieved as cold, distant and introverted by others. In my mind, I was doing well at work and this gave her a comfortable life in which she did not have to work. We would have sex and I really had no idea of how unhappy she was. Before D-day she would often push my buttons by being sarcastic and would do other things that truly bothered me. My response was to pull back and just before D-day I believe that we were both in a state of withdrawl.

I should say that she has had no contact, or even the desire to contact, the OM since about three weeks before D-day. She swears up and down that she does not know where he lives and only knows that he is married and has two young children. She tells me that he was unhappy with his marriage and was very secretive about himself. I told her that his wife was probably greatly upset because it is very likely that he had infected her with HSV as well. I also told her that it made no sense to say that I was distant and then to have sex with a man who only told her what she wanted to hear in an effort to obtain sex. A man that had no regard for her health or marriage. I asked her what she would have done if she had become pregnant, to which she replied that she is on the pill. I then reminded her that the pill is not 100% effective and that stress reduces the pill's effectiveness. I asked her how she could explain to my parents if she had had a mixed-race child while we were married. The OM is of hispanic heritage and my wife and I are both caucasion. I also asked her about the risk of getting infected with HIV. She was truly in the fog at the time of her affair.

After the first three to four months after D-day, we began to connect and our marriage seemed better than ever. I was taking anti depressants and had also lost about 20 pounds by eating better. I would not ask her questions each weekend and we really seemed to be headed in the right direction. About two days ago I began to think about her being with the OM again. I stewed in these thoughts for two days while my wife would constantly ask my if I was OK. My wife and I often seem to key into eachother too much and we both have a habbit of letting the other's mood affect our happiness. This morning I broke down and told my wife that I was having bad thoughts about her and the OM again. Just like before, I began asking her questions and she began to cry. Well, it is now several hours later and she cried for 2-3 hours and then fell asleep on the couch. I though that I had broken this cycle and feel guilty about what I have done. I want our marriage to work and wonder how long it will be until I can stop this big LB'ing cycle of behavior? My wife says that she is depressed and lacks the energy to even wash her hair on a regular basis. I have asked if she wants to go to therapy or MC'ing, but she does not. What can I do? Are my actions typicall and will they diminish over time???? Please help me, I do not want to ruin what is left of my marriage.

Mfisher,

Give yourself a small break here. It takes anywhere from 18 months to 2 years to recover from this. You need to explain this to your wife and tell her that you are going to need her support to get over this. It ain't going away tomorrow either. You just found about this 6 months ago and you are going to go through these cycles of anger for a while longer. THAT IS A NORMAL PART OF RECOVERY. If you try to hide it or hold it in, you will make it worse.

What you can do is make sure that you discuss this calmly and civily with her when it comes up. Don't use it as an excuse to love bust her, but tell her it is on your mind and you need to talk about it. Don't call her names or blow up.

But you must help her understand that this is a NORMAL part of the consequences of an affair. This is the greatest betrayal you can inflict on a spouse. She has to quit crying and instead face the consequences and help you recover. Just be nice about it, ok?

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Come on Fisher...... You have been on MB since Sept 02....now when was the last time you read any mb info or taken the EN questionnaire?

You may need a refresher course here. If you can, please explain why your W is not interested in seeing a good MC or doing phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer? That may be a place to start. Don't worry, my WS didn't want to go to counseling either....then lo and behold....when he decided to come home and we decided to let him back, poof! He went and found a counselor. Not as great as Steve or Jennifer but one that said stuff similar to what I had been saying but it seems to have been taken better. So another reason for going to a counselor is not because they may say something thought provoking but they may say the same thing but coming from a total stranger, it is more acceptable..... Does that make sense? NO.... but then again in the A what does??

JMHO,
L.

mfisher...I agree give yourself a break! While we attempt not to LB...we all do it, even those couples who have never been touched by infidelity!

TIP OF THE DAY: NEVER wait to be honest about how you feel!

When you first began having these thoughts, you're W asked you if you were ok...YOU LIED! You allowed it to grow and fester till it overwhelmed you. Never do that again. Bring it out in the beginning, don't dwell on it for days and days building up to a bigger issue then it was to begin with. More then likely if you had told her that very first day that you were having a problem with some of your thoughts about "the bad time", asked her for some extra attention and affection, involved her in the healing process...you wouldn't be here asking this question. jmho

Hi everyone,
I have a question sorry if I'm sounding neive, but what is HSV? I never heard of this STD before.
I thought bringing up the affair was a big LB.I thought you are suppose to vent here. I did read that on SAA and reading Basic principals bringing up OP is a LB. Believe me your WW is dealing with the consequences of her action, because she is remorseful, she wants to work on the marriage she is forced to lived this 24/7. Seek counseling if you can from the Harleys.

First of all, my thanks to those of you who replied to my post. Yes, it has only been six months since D-day. Six months may not be a long time for one to spend in recovery, but I feel as though my wife and I have changed a great deal in that amount of time. I have read SAA, HNHN and Lovebusters in those six months. I have completed the EN's survey several times and have consulted with friends who hold PHD's in Psychology. Maybe I am asking for too much, too soon. Please don't attack me by saying that I am not following or using MB principles, I am trying!!! I am human and imperfect by nature, but that does not mean that I am not sincere and in pain. I will get off of my soap box now.

HSV= Herpes Simplex Virus

The post that said I was in the wrong by not being honest about my feelings for two days is on target I believe. I should not have allowed these feelings to build up to the boiling point and I will do my best to communciate more openly with my wife in the future. Thank you for your help.

I will also talk to my wife about the recovery process. She already understands that this will take a while, but her mistake causes her pain on a daily basis and it hurts me to see her in pain. Is she seeing the consequences of her actions, yes, does it make me feel better to see her in pain, NO. I love her and she loves me, I just want to improve our relationship and move on past this bump in the road.

Hang in there, mfisher. It really does get better until you get where you never even think about it. I will warn you, though, that it seems like the 8 month mark is the hardest. I went through this and so did many others here. That seems to be the climax point and from there it really does taper off. You may not recover in that fashion but I did notice that you are going through the cycles that I went through. Wish you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mfisher1967:
<strong>.......... Please don't attack me by saying that I am not following or using MB principles, I am trying!!! I am human and imperfect by nature, but that does not mean that I am not sincere and in pain. I will get off of my soap box now......</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fisher,

I am 'assuming' you meant me by this comment, but please take a look at my post again.... I did not attack you and say you were not following MB principles.

Instead I posted: "You have been on MB since Sept 02....now when was the last time you read any mb info or taken the EN questionnaire?
You may need a refresher course here. ..."

Also I never doubted your pain..... I would be an MB dummy for even thinking such.... anyways if my post offended you I apologize.

Now to progressive recovery comments (I will try again), why is your W not willing to counseling? Have you offered to do a phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer?

Also we all need an MB refresher at times. I have re-read the concepts section several dozen times since I have come here along with various points in the books (before I loaned them out). Took the EN questionnaire at least twice and I know I should do it again. See I am not exempt from this refresher either. So it was not meant as an attack.

What I would like to see is for you to step out of your current place and view your situation from a 3rd party POV. Maybe that may help. Getting past the pain is one of the later recovery points that BS have to face. Seems like our pain never ends and our recall faculty works 1000% whereas the WS recall is closer to 35%. Most WS want to forget it ever happened.

So you can see the gap and the relenting recall causing pain to come up over and over again. Will it ever go away? IMHO, not completely. It is like we have a virus that lays dormant but can errupt at any given time.

Here is a suggestion, what is your W doing to help you feel safe? Vs. What you think she needs to do to help you feel safe?

That is what I have put in front of my WS. He is now learning that the title of H is one that is earned. At one time it was bestowed on him but after he lost it and took on the WS title, he now has to earn back the H title. For now he has it back but it is not permanent in my heart yet. You see, he has been home for close to 2 years but contact with OW has only ceased approx 5 months ago.

Hope this helps,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mfisher1967:
<strong>.......... Please don't attack me by saying that I am not following or using MB principles, I am trying!!! I am human and imperfect by nature, but that does not mean that I am not sincere and in pain. I will get off of my soap box now......</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fisher,

I am 'assuming' you meant me by this comment, but please take a look at my post again.... I did not attack you and say you were not following MB principles.

Instead I posted: "You have been on MB since Sept 02....now when was the last time you read any mb info or taken the EN questionnaire?
You may need a refresher course here. ..."

Also I never doubted your pain..... I would be an MB dummy for even thinking such.... anyways if my post offended you I apologize.

Now to progressive recovery comments (I will try again), why is your W not willing to counseling? Have you offered to do a phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer?

Also we all need an MB refresher at times. I have re-read the concepts section several dozen times since I have come here along with various points in the books (before I loaned them out). Took the EN questionnaire at least twice and I know I should do it again. See I am not exempt from this refresher either. So it was not meant as an attack.

What I would like to see is for you to step out of your current place and view your situation from a 3rd party POV. Maybe that may help. Getting past the pain is one of the later recovery points that BS have to face. Seems like our pain never ends and our recall faculty works 1000% whereas the WS recall is closer to 35%. Most WS want to forget it ever happened.

So you can see the gap and the relenting recall causing pain to come up over and over again. Will it ever go away? IMHO, not completely. It is like we have a virus that lays dormant but can errupt at any given time.

Here is a suggestion, what is your W doing to help you feel safe? Vs. What you think she needs to do to help you feel safe?

That is what I have put in front of my WS. He is now learning that the title of H is one that is earned. At one time it was bestowed on him but after he lost it and took on the WS title, he now has to earn back the H title. For now he has it back but it is not permanent in my heart yet. You see, he has been home for close to 2 years but contact with OW has only ceased approx 5 months ago.

Hope this helps,
L.