I’ve been married for 12 years, two kids 10 year old S and 7 year old D. When I first met him I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him because I knew that he would always take care of me, which he has. Here’s the problem. He has a job that requires him to travel about 50% of the time for weeks at a time. He spends most of his traveling time in Europe or in the continental US. When he’s home, he makes the most of his time with me and our children, we do things together, we lay in bed and watch movies or just cuddle. He’s happier than I’ve ever seen him and treats me the best that I’ve ever been treated. He tells me jokingly that I’ve ruined him for other women, but said the other day seriously that he says this because he’s given me his heart and that’s why he could never be with another woman. On the flip side, about 3 years ago when he was employed by a different company he was so miserable that we separated for about a month. We got back together, went to marriage counseling and have been living the best married years of our lives.

Here’s the problem:

Several times he’s said things that didn’t quite jive. Like the other day, I was talking about a movie and I said that it was a “double lie”, and said conversationally, “you know what I mean”, and he responded “I’m living it”. Of course, he denied it later but I know what I heard. Then, the Saturday before he was leaving to go to Germany, he got up early to return some movies, and I said “where else are you going”. He asked me to repeat the question several times, which I figured was his way of stalling and then said that he was going to drive down to the ice skating arena to see when it opens. This arena is 25 miles away. I knew that he was not going there and tried to get him to admit it but he wouldn’t. I’ve searched everywhere for evidence that something is going on. I looked at his beeper which stores written messages and have found nothing. He knows that I’m suspicious and let me look at his e-mails that he receives on his laptop. I even rifled through his junk drawer in his dresser without his approval and he was fine with it. I have found absolutely no evidence that something is going on and have asked him point blank whether he’s having an affair or simply in love with someone else and he says emphatically no that he’s only in love with me.

A little about me:

I work from home and care for the kids and the house and am miserable about it most of the time. When we first met we were both professionals and I voluntarily left my profession to raise the kids. Now, I feel slighted because he’s out having a grand old time doing God knows what and I’m here taking care of reality. I’m probably being a big baby about this, but I need some feedback? Also, based on our prior separation, I have no plans of getting a D and have told him as much.

I need someone to either tell me I’m right or kick me in the head. My husband, who I love dearly, is the happiest I’ve ever seen him professionally, and it’s making me crazy. In one aspect, I’m very happy for him, but in the other, I feel like he’s neglecting his responsibilities as a husband and a father. Although, and here’s the kicker, he’s a much better husband and father than he was when he wasn’t traveling. When he worked a 9 to 5, coming home having dinner with us, being here on the weekends he was simply going through the motions but emotionally unavailable. Now that he’s here only about 50% of that time, and is wonderful. He’s happy, alive, energetic, and something in me says that its because he knows what’s waiting for him. However, the first night that he comes home from traveling, he’s never here emotionally. I can see him drifting off thinking about something else. It bothers me that me and the kids can’t solicit that kind of happiness from him and that he’s obviously getting it from his exciting job (and whatever perks come with it), and then the suspicious part of me says what are the perks.

I feel like since he’s felt the bite of being separated and didn’t like the feeling of coming home to an empty home, he has no intention of ever getting a D. However, I feel like he’s getting the next best thing, acting like a single guy 50% of the time. Hell, he’s got the best of both worlds. But I think it stinks. Someone put this in prospective for me please.
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Sue,
Is he emotionally detached from you ALL the time? You say his mind is elsewhere the first night he gets home but what about afterwards? When I travel on business I am usually detached the first night because I am still thinking business and it takes me a night to feel comfortable [emotionally] in my home again.

There are other things going on that rule out an affair in my mind. Namely, his happiness and attentiveness to you. That is NOT the normal pattern of a WS who is in the throes of an addictive affair. They act just the opposite; they are almost REPELLED my their spouse.

Even so, you do need to find out one or another if something is going on or you will never have any peace of mind. One way you can do this is by installing spy software on his computer. I would suggest that you immediately stop questioning him. You are only alerting him to the fact that you are suspicious and he will just cover his tracks BETTER because you have him on guard. Just put the spy software on his computer and quit questioning him. Questioning him about it is a waste of time anyway.

I think that is your first step and once you find out one way or another, you can proceed from there. Spy software may very well rule an affair OUT and give you peace of mind.

Secondly, I sense alot of JEALOUSY in your post over his career. Could this stem from your attitude about being a stay at home mom? Do you think you value his career more than yours? I would explore other ways to make your life more interesting and fulfilling, such as getting involved in school functions, political groups, fitness clubs, etc. This will seriously harm the fabric of your marriage if you are miserable and feel "less than" him.