So my H called me again, just now, on my cell phone (I'm at work). I answered. He said he had one question for me. (Hmmm....he is actually thinking about all of this.) He said I could answer now or think about it. It was, "Do you think you were a good wife to me before all of this cheating started?" I told him two things. One, that I don't think I was ever a good enough wife to him in his eyes. Then he said he had his answer, and that I wasn't willing to really consider the question and was going to hang up. Then I stopped him and said, wait, I just answered by telling you what I think your opinion is. My opinion is I thought I was being a good enough wife to you, but now I guess I realize that I wasn't. (This goes back to the fairly long list (at least 10 things) that he gave me in June of all that was lacking in me as a wife.) Then he thanked me for my answer in a condascending tone and said goodbye, pausing to see if I wanted to plead my case some more or something, but I also said goodbye, and the call ended.
Yesterday, as I sat reading more of a book called "Why does he do that?" about abusive men, I realized yet again that I was never good enough as a wife for him, nor will I ever likely be. It doesn't suit his purposes to ever admit it if I can become a good enough wife for him, and really try to meet his needs. A controlling man needs to have his wife think she's not good enough in order to perpetuate the control he has over her. I honestly didn't meet his needs. I wasn't devoted enough domestically (didn't cook often enough, didn't clean often enough, didn't keep up with the laundry to his standards), I didn't meet his recreational needs, and I didn't meet his needs for SF often enough either. He didn't feel appreciated by me. (His female friends make him feel this way.) He even feels that I didn't show him enough emotional support. Once, when we were recently talking about the time when he was misdiagnosed with Hodgkin's disease (he actually had mono), he felt I didn't show him enough care or attention. He went so far as to say that his one female friend loves him more than I do. I think that's just hurtful crap on his part. But maybe I do suck at comforting him, who knows.
Gee whiz, maybe his phonecall to ask me just that one question was to get under my skin and try to knock me down again, and not really him wanting to know what I thought.
What REALLY bugs me right now is the fact that if I were to call him back and tell him specifically and emphatically how I wasn't a good wife to him (go through my list above), and also perhaps ASK HIM if he thought he was a good husband to me prior to my cheating, he'd likely answer with "Hell yes, you had it so good, you'll never have it that good with anyone else again." Then he'll ask me if I thought he was a good H, and he pretty much was....but he reached outside the marriage to have his needs for admiration and recreation met by other women. He was controlling (he'll never admit to this, I don't feel like even bringing it up).
I feel like it's such a losing battle. I'm willing to admit to my weaknesses, but I can't quite quantify how he wasn't a good H to me, other than how he felt really controlling (and no controlling person will accept or admit to that, at least not very readily), had female friendships that bothered me, acted as though he was better than me (he believes he is), and generally didn't like listening to me, or seemed to find me to be a nuisance.
For those of you who've followed my tale for a while, why wasn't my H a good H? Have I mentioned other reasons before?
I'm fighting the urge to call him back and have more of a conversation about this, b/c he feels so high and mighty (persecutor role, isn't it SC and Orchid?) and that I just never was a good wife, that it's a losing battle (yup, here I am the whiny victim again).
With today's question, it sounds like he's finding reasons to leave me again I guess. Maybe that's for the best.
The more I think about it, the more it seems we never had a healthy relationship. We just liked having sex, eating together, going to movies together, and travelling together. We couldn't pull off the day to day marriage "meeting each other's needs" stuff, or at least I couldn't.
Sorry for rambling, I needed to process this I guess.
Thoughts anyone?
Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
<small>[ March 09, 2003, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>
