Three years ago today, I woke to find a long dark hair in our shower, and my life was turned upside down. Things have gone from worse to bad to better, to well, I don't really know. Does my WH still have an active relationship with his OW, I don't think so. However, he did send her a "Happy Birthday" email 2 weeks ago, just to be a "nice guy". I found out because OW forwarded it to me.

I can honestly say that I don't know if my marriage is going to make it or not. I have to make some pretty tough decisions very soon, and if H does not agree to do the things that I need to help our marriage recover, I may not have any other choice but to file.

It is Spring Break here and H is out of town for work until this evening. It is beautiful weather so the kids and I are going on a picnic with some friends, so that will take my mind off of things for awhile. I have not shed any tears yet, but my chest feels like there is a 10 ton weight on it.

The last 3 years I have learned so much about relationships and myself and have made some genuine changes. My H, however, chooses to blame everything on me and even told me last week that there is no doubt another A will happen, because nothing has changed in our marriage. Hopefully, either something will change in our marriage or we'll be divorced before that happens, because I honestly don't know if I could handle another A.

I guess this is more of a ramble more than anything else, but I needed to write out some of my feelings, as this is the start of a very intense trigger period. Marriage Builders has given me some very good friends to help me deal with these times and I thank God for you every day!

I understand how you feel, as anniversaries are always painful reminders. I wish you well today (and in the time to come) as you keep healing. My three year anniversary is in three weeks and I'm already going through some of the pain again.

e.

<small>[ April 02, 2003, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: e29 ]</small>

Hi hurting,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H, however, chooses to blame everything on me and even told me last week that there is no doubt another A will happen, because nothing has changed in our marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you asked him about "what changes" he would like to see?? Listen "very carefully" to what he says.
Are you aware of your H Emotional Needs???

hugs
bb

Hi friend - I frequently think of you and wonder if anything has changed.

I'm not surprised to see that it hasn't.

I think the time has long passed for you to take control and file.

WAT

E, aren't triggers awful? I hope that you continue healing during this period and I will keep you in my prayers.

BB, about 2.5 years ago we did the ENQ and his top needs were SF, AS, Admiration, Affection, and DS. He has told me since that time that some of them have changed, but he wouldn't tell me what, and that I had to figure it out on my own. While he was still in the intense EA/PA, I would work extra hard on one, to have him tell me something else was more important, I would work on that, to have it be something else. It was honestly like trying to hit a moving target. I'm sure it was somewhat humorous to watch me try to catch my tail for month after month.

Honestly, we haven't talked much about needs lately. The one thing that I know I am desperately failing is in the AS area. I have gained the weight that I lost back, and feel awful about myself. In my attempts to lose weight, I get very little support. He told me that I could go to the health club in the evenings and he would watch the kids. Then, he complained about how he was doing "my" job by taking care of them while I was gone. Another quick example is in the DS area. He complains that I don't cook enough, but constantly suggests take out for meals. That of course seriously hinders my weight loss efforts and DS at the same time. Sometimes it seems like he is setting me up to fail, and I fall for it hook, line, and sinker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So, after all that rambling, the answer to your question is that I really don't know his needs because he won't tell me. Then it's my problem that I get upset because he's still in contact with OW. It's just very disheartening and frustrating <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dave, if only I could get the strength to do what I need to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So, how are things with D??

Hurt -
I am coming up on my 3year DDay anniversary in a month.

It sounds to me like you've been "coasting" a bit - not really taking hold of the issues that still need to be resolved. One of which is contact with OW - that's got to stop.

I know our turning point came when I was at a point of just being exhausted emotionally from having no real foundation in my marriage and my H sensed that. I had discovered renewed contact and I had had it. I initially blew a gasket, then got to some reading... and after a night out with my H and me asking very point blank questions (in a calm calm manner) about the recent contact, things they discussed I finally asked him what he was hanging on to if he didn't feel anything for her anymore? I think he sensed that I couldn't put up with feeling so uncertain about our marriage - then BAM - he had his epiphany and we've been solid as a rock ever since. (over a year now)

So, I guess my feedback is that it just sounds like things have got to change for you - whatever that means for you...
Not sure if this helps - but you just can't live your life in this situation - you deserve so much better than that.

Thanks Alberta for your wise words of wisdom! It is so helpful to hear from those have experienced the same thing. When I found out about the contact, I confronted him very calmly, and was given the response of "it's no big deal, I was just being a nice guy". To me, that shows that he simply does not understand and does not care about the magnitude of what he's done. It also shows that continued contact won't be thought of as a big deal. I tried for years to overlook what he was doing and work on our marriage, it just got to the point that I quit trying because he was still very involved with his OW and was just enjoying the added attention from both of us.

I am about ready to crack, and he knows it. It's the same game we've played far too many times already. He knows the point I'm at, gravels a bit, buys flowers, etc. But then in a couple of days, it's all the same again.

In our conversation about the continued contact he blatantly said it was going to happen again, and that he was just going to do his own thing because I was the one not trying and he was. I took that seriously and really thought about whether or not that was true, and cannot really see a significant amount of time where he really tried to make our marriage improve. He also said, "I really tried in December, but you weren't, so I stopped". So, he tried for one month out of 36 and that's supposed to be long enough?

The other thing I have a very difficult time with is that he has told me that he's not sorry for what happened. He's sorry for certain things (like having her in our home for a weekend that I was visiting family), but he's not sorry for anything else because I was the one that caused it by being an awful wife for years prior to that. He still justifies everything he has done and has only told me he was sorry once. And the time he did tell me, he was back in contact with her within a couple of weeks. So, it means nothing.

Any ideas how to bring on an epiphany?

Hurtinginil,
It does sound like your H is sabotaging any recovery. Friendly contact with the OP absolutely hinders, postpones & interferes with recovery. My H still works with the FOW, but they are not friendly at all.

By your H saying he thinks another A could start...I'm wondering if he's cocky or it already has.

A Happy Birthday card to the OW is not being a nice guy, it is being a scoundrel with dubious intentions and actions...I can't even fathom in what world that makes him a nice guy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

EN do change over time. My opinion is that sometimes the top needs are those that aren't being met, if they are met, then they aren't such a priority. For example, I've taken the ENQ 3 times, with at least 6 months in between. The 2 times we were separated, SF was high. When we were together and SF was being met, it was more middlish and companionship was high.

Trying for a month doesn't cut it. It should be constant effort, no matter what the other person is doing, because if one partner bases what they give on being sure they are receiving...it's a catch-22, no one starts because no one gets.

Epiphanies are hard to bring about. My H didn't have one until I served him divorce papers...and I can't recommend that unless you truly want a divorce.

I think you need to be very clear that contact with the OW is not acceptable, and if your marriage is to survive, he has to step up and do a consistant effort. One partner can hold the possibility of a marriage together for awhile, but at some point effort has to come from both partners. Perhaps not the same effort, but an equitable effort...like, you don't lovebust, he doesn't contact.

Hi,
I wonder about you and how your doing too. Sorry its still so difficult.

My H was similar or even worse. He just started talking to OW again, and deceided nothing would change with us and he totally shut me out. We limped along for a year with me trying, and him resisting and finally I asked for counseling or divorce and he choose divorce. I think he just needed me to say it.

I am releived its at least moving somewhere toward some kind of healing and resolutiion.

Take care

Sorry for the late replies, Lor and Lora. It's Spring Break here, so it's a fight for the computer, and I have been losing against my 3 kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lor, yes, it does seem like he's sabataging any efforts to a true recovery. I have to wonder if he is still in denial about the magnitude of the damage his affair has caused. If he has to really take a look at it and see what it's done, I would think the guilt would be almost overwhelming. Could that be why to this day he justifies it and blames it all on me and my actions/inactions?

I agree completely about the "nice guy" analogy. He did it very intentionally to try to hook back in with her. Maybe not to start their intense affair, but at least on a friendly level. It shows that he is still burning a candle for her, and can't let her go completely, at least in my eyes.

I understand about EN changing, and agree with that. I do think there's a difference between EN's that evolve into more importance over time, and just moving the target so noone is able to hit it. He even told me once that if he admitted that I was meeting his needs, he wouldn't have any excuses to continue his affair. That was certainly a foggy time in our lives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have also wondered if another affair has started. He did have contact with someone from CA that he met on a business trip that the OW told me he slept with. I don't know whether to believe her or not because at the time she was desperately trying to get me to kick him out. But, the contact continued, so maybe she was right. H adimantly denies it, but his track record of honesty isn't very good.

Last night he told me that I was treated like a princess and had everything I could possibly want in life. I do have everything except for a faithful, loving H, and unfortunately, that is what I need right now.

Thanks again for your reply, Lor, it is always very appreciated!!

Lora, I often wonder about you, too. I have read some of your posts and have kept up with your situation. I am so sorry that it has turned out this way. I know how hard you tried in your marriage. Even though I am sure it's difficult, at least you can move ahead with your life and begin healing. Take care of yourself, Lora!

I agree with WAT. Knowing your story like I do, your H is likely to have another A because nothing HAS changed, ON HIS END!!!!

He's made no changes, has been unwilling to deal with the cause and affects of his A (A's?), is unwilling to go to MC and expects you to just sweep the past 3 yrs under the rug. That doesn't work. The only way the two of you can regain any emotional intimacy is to deal with what happened. It will be painful for both of you, but if you can share that, it may just open your hearts up to each other. As I said, knowing your story as well as I do, IMHO your H is going to have to be faced with losing everything before will be willing to face what he's done to you, your family and himself. That may not happen, but you'll be better off than you are now regardless.

sad dad

SD, I know I'll be better off, it's just taking that step that is very difficult for me for some reason. It's kind of like living with Jekyll and Hyde. When you give up the bad, you also give up the good. If it was all bad, it would be easier to walk away. The glimmers of hope make it so difficult.....

I know what you mean about the glimmers of hope, I've seen them too, but they were false hopes, just something I wanted to believe. My W and your H are very much alike. They don't want to take any responsibility for the mess they created, it's easier to blame us. My W is losing everything and is faced with a very unhappy life, yet is unwilling to see any other possibilities. Your H may have to face the same losses, which will be much greater, before he is willing to do what's necessary to repair the damage HE caused. That may never happen, but it may be your only chance.

sad dad