My husband and I have been together for 12+ years, have two kids together D 8 and S 4.

We had a rough patch about 3 years ago and came out of it, i thought stronger than ever. Boy was I wrong, things started getting ugly again this past October in the middle of buying our dream house. Turns out just like the first time there was a female coworker lurking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Because a fluke of technology busted him, he admitted to an EA. Swears there has not been anything physical and tells me it wasn't what i thought, but has never told me what exactly it was.The EA changed jobs and for a while they stopped communicating, but now they've started again although I can't be sure if its hot and heavy, i want to believe that its not.

Some how we made it thru the holidays, and then after my 40th birthday, in January he dropped the bomb that he needed some time away to get his head on straight. It just so happens that another coworker just got kicked out by his wife so he conviniently had a place to stay. (I believe now he had it planned for weeks he just didn't have the nerve to make the move.) So now he's been gone for 10 weeks. Seems like forever! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Our separation has been very weird. I guess I haven't put my foot down, just let him come and go when he wants! When he visits the kids, he's actually visiting the family not just the kids. Since he left, he has only taken the kids out by himself once, since then we go out as a family: movies, park, family parties, softball games etc.
On ocasion he's even spent the night. Last week we even spent the day together and went to the movies w/o the kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When he comes over, he does dishes!!!??? What is that, he never did dishes. He irons his own clothes, he's returned things he bought, sewed holes in his clothes. It almost like he's growing up!

I'm confused! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Why hasn't he come home yet?

Am i rushing him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I told him on friday that i couldn't stand this limbo much longer and begged him to come home, he told me he appreciated the time that i am giving him and he understands that its hurting me but he's not ready to come home and understood if i needed to move on.

Ah is this him giving me a hint? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I asked him if i was a fool for believing he would someday come home, he simply said NO!


I think what i'm really scared of is that he's waiting on me to make a move, but i honestly don't think i should be the one to have make the final move to break up my family. Or maybe he just doesn't have the balls to tell me he wants out.

And then there's the visitation. I asked him why we visited that way, i asked if it was because he felt sorry for me or because he felt it was better for the kids or even because he just enjoyed it that way. He replied a combination of the last two, but not because he felt sorry for me.

Ah...am i just getting antsy! I'm just so scared that I'm hoping for something that is never going to happen. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I miss him, he's been my bestfriend for such a long time! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I told him yesterday that i was going to try and not bring up the "state of the union" ( our lingo for our broken marriage),be patient and just enjoy his company when he comes over. Easier said than done, i control myself 90% of the time. But when that coaster takes the dip, i crash really bad!

I also told him that I would like to go out with him from time to time, he agreed.

Help!!!!

Bad night!

Everything reminds me of him! Even stupid TV shows we used to watch together!

I'm feeling a little hopeless! I'm scared he's never coming back!

I know I'm supposed to focus on other things but I can't! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think it is the time of life, the age, school age children. This situation is repeated adnauseam. He loves the fact the door is open for him. Most WS's bring their "baggage" with them wherever they go, so chances are he'll be back. But what is it that you need? You are obviously strong. With a name like Crunchie, alert too? I love the name. But, I think he is needing to get guidelines down. Have you ever been demanding in your life? You say he's your best friend. I know what you mean by this. Check out the questionnaires on the web site here. My husband and I actually relaxed and enjoyed sharing sentiments from the EN one. And this was after some major trouble. I think that I would set some limits with your WS, for goodness sake! Best wishes. wflower.

Fool to believe he would come home someday? No. Fool to believe that he'll be home soon? Probably.

What does seem unavoidable is the impression that your H is getting more and more comfortable with his current arrangement. Classic cake-eater.

The scary thing is that you are making things pretty easy for him in many ways. He's got a live-in girlfriend, a wife/family to "care" for, a wife who loves him and treats him very nicely. To someone focused on themselves, this would be heaven once they rationalized the guilt/pain stuff. I'm pretty sure the washing dishes is part of the rationalization.

I don't know which way your H would decide if he had to decide. There's also a small chance that the A will break up on its own on its own merits. But as long as there are no consequences, there will be little incentive for him to change.

To put it another way, H seems to have come to terms with a lot of the possible consequences like guilt, your pain, family issues. He's getting used to it and finding a new equilibrium. Unfortunately for your M, that is a equilibrium that is closer to divorce than before.

FWIW, I think he's treating you and your M in a very disrespectful and selfish manner. It's a great sign that you love him enough to perservere through this, but at some point it is probably more healthy to allow the consequences of his actions come into play.

Thanks guys!

I know i need to tighten up but I'm just really scared that it would push him further away, I know I'm weak. I guess its just readiness. For now I've gotta focus on doing my own thing, i gotta start going out to movies, dinner, etc. which I haven't been doing.

His roommate is a male coworker whose divorce just became final. I can just picture them sitting around comparing whose wife was the worst.
Which brings me to another issue. He's always had a very weak character to some extent. Let me explain, if a coworker was collecting baseball cards so would my H. If a coworker was into buying trees, so would my H. Get my meaning. So now his male coworker is newly single, so is my H.

Interesting Huh!

Not that his was the only factor, I know!

The stars lined up for us. Different work schedules (early days VS. afternoons), busy with kids, problems with teenage son, bimbo at work, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize, I'm a Math person so everything has to have a procedure!

Still hopeful though!

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: crunchie ]</small>

It is so hard to make decisions that you think are 95% good, but it's that 5% that scares us off.

I'm glad you're deciding to work on yourself. It sounds hopeful and positive. Maybe you don't feel it now, but you probably know it will provide some helpful moments.

It so sad sometimes things lead to these consequences. Especially when what we thought was maybe good (like alternate schedules can make child-raising easier), but then turn around to bite us in the [censored]. If only we knew better.

Your H's friend's influence is interesting. In that tragic, beat-his-brains-out, arrrgh, sort of way.

FWIW, I'm pretty impressed that you do have a good ("good" being pretty relative, of course) grasp of things (given the terrible circumstances) and are already showing indications that your personal recovery will be strong.

You might consider setting a hard date a few weeks or months in the future for when to take the leap and shake things up. That way you can compensate for some of the emotions that waver. Personally, I had to buy a plane ticket a couple of weeks in advance to make sure I went through with it. I knew I had to, I just didn't know when until I picked a date based on the cheapest flight date within a given week.