K-

I saw in another post that you claim that you are a former serial cheater. You made mention that you feel the urge to cheat when you are disappointed etc...

Can you expound on that? Can you expound on what has prompted you to cheat?

Is it the excitement of the forbidden fruit?
Is it the urge to see if the sex is better
How much of it is just animal attraction and wanting sex? Different sex?

Is the sex better in an affair? Because of the excitement of "What if we got caught"

I don't get it, what makes the urge so strong? Particularly for a woman? I am glad you are recovering you sound like a good person I am just trying to gain insight.

RH,

Hi. I'm happy to answer any quesitons that you have but will advise you that there are those who do not take kindly to my being here. To be perfectly honest my answering your questions will piss some people off. I'm not about to get into a flame war with anyone so if this thread becomes that - i'm gone!

Ok. A bit about my history.
I was raised in a super religious Christian family in a super religious household. My father cheated and left my mother for the other woman and other child. My mother (god bless her) is the queen of doing what is right. Very rules-y.

I was raised to be an independant woman, to honor God, to marry a good man and be a good Christian wife.

From way back I never bought it. My mother/family's way of life just never added up to me. Here my mother was doing the "right thing" and she seemed to be suffering. My father was the ultimate bad boy and seemed to be getting all of the perks. He always had wives and girlfriends at the same time. Basically with world was his oyster (it seemed) and here was my mother so tied up in her faith and doing the "right thing" that she seemed to be missing out.

Plus which I think that there was a very strong message in my house about "trust no one only yourself and God." Additionally, my mother was financially and emotionally dependant on my father when he cheated. So if I learned nothing else I learned that it was my job to take care of myself and not to count on others to do it.

Cut to 1991. I was 21, in college and dating seriously for the first time in my life. Away from home and having the time of my life. A lot of my girlfriends were all hung up on what their boyfriends wanted them to do, when they would marry, etc and I thought they were plum out of their minds.

I had a crush on this guy (Don). He was my age and had a 19 year old girlfriend. She was back home and wanting to get engaged. He was scared at the thought of marriage and afraid to loose her. I liked him wanted to "be with" him. What a thrill it was flirt and pursue him. Truthfully it wasn't that hard to seduce him. He would confide in my about his relationship. I'd coo and console him...the next thing you know we're sleeping together.

He was only my second lover. And for me it was a thrill. Most girls my age wanted commitment and forever, I just wanted to have fun. I hated the neediness in my mother. I hated the way she pined after my father even after he had gone to begin his new family. To me my mother seemed weak and pathetic and sad.

Having the man that I wanted, the way I wanted, in the time that I wanted was a complete thrill for me. It felt powerful and amazing.

Don got engaged and our affair continued. He could be a good boy with his fiance and in front of his family and a bad boy with me. I never hid our affair, infact I flaunted it on campus. I met his fiance once by accident. I was friendly and funny with her. I gushed over her in front of a group of friends and then later we laughed at what a fool she was. Honesly, that affair was my first and was the biggest high I had ever known at that point in my life.

So to answer your questions

Forbidden fruit - yes
better sex - yes
animal sex/different sex - yes all of that

For me it's never been about marrying the guy it was more about controlling him. Having him.

That was 1991. I spent the next 11 or 12 years of my life doing the same thing. I had serious relationships here and there, but mostly I actively pursued relationships that got me high.

I was the kind of girl that other women admired. Having a good time, 2-3 boyfriends at the same time, never being phased by outcomes, 100% unflappable. (on the outside)

In 1992 (or 1993) I began an relationship with another man. He was single and wanted marriage. I didn't. He was amazingly gentle and kind and I loved him for that. But I had no clue or desire to be in a real relationship. He wanted very badly to be married and married the next woman he dated after knowing her for only 8 months (she was pregnant). A few months into their marriage he called, we reconnected and began an affair that would last for the next 9 (or so) years.

He is a wealthy, attractive addict and I loved it. I "got" him and he "got" me. During our affair I had a child, built a career and became very successful. Hell or high water I was his girl. I had never had that experience. HE even said to me "i'm not leaving my marriage." That was fine with me. I loved him just the way he was.

I guess maybe I just got old. I'll be 33 this year and I want more for myself. I have worked for and/or been given every material thing I could ever want. I have been a spoiled whiney brat having her way alllllll the time. Control, control, control!!!!!

In 2001 I ended my relationship with MM because I was done with him. I loved him, but he no longer fit what I needed. I've worked my butt off in recovery to be a better person and he's still where he was when we met. HE too is a spoiled whiney brat.

I am in a monogomous relationship with a really wonderful (and humanly flawed) single man. We are sharing a life and raising our children together. It's a rocky road. This is the first time in my life that i've ever dating a man who had an oppinion different than my own. I've never dated a man who didn't give me my way. I'm learning.

So when frustrated, tired, angry or depressed I long for what I know. MM. I have completely fictionalized our history and only remember the great get aways and fabulous gifts. Never the disappointment, frustrations, lies and rage that was always present between us.

I have written FAR more than I ever intended to write, but I hope this helps.

KS

I should add: my child is not fathered by MM.

Oh and of the "what if we get caught". I've rarely cared about getting caught. In most cases I wasn't that invested.

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For me it's never been about marrying the guy it was more about controlling him. Having him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh KS.....maybe that was part of why I had my As too.....never thought about that before. Thanks for making that post!

Since I'm here, and I've sort of had 3 affairs (first two only involved kissing, third went PA), here's my 2 cents worth. Hope it's helpful:

Is it the excitement of the forbidden fruit? SURE IT IS
Is it the urge to see if the sex is better? THAT WAS A CURIOSITY
How much of it is just animal attraction and wanting sex? Different sex? MOST OF IT WAS I GUESS, WE WEREN'T ALL THAT CLOSE EMOTIONALLY, JUST FRIENDS WHO GOT DRUNK AND CROSSED THE LINE

Is the sex better in an affair? Because of the excitement of "What if we got caught" THE SEX WAS NOT VERY GOOD. MY H WAS DEFINITELY BETTER. THE EXCITEMENT OF GETTING CAUGHT MADE IT SCARY BUT MAYBE IT A BIT MORE EXCITING.

Jen

Note that Katie was NOT married, so she wasn’t cheating {as such) on someone.

Is this correct Katie?

You really can’t compare a cheating spouse with someone having an affair with a spouse.

It is correct that I am not and have never been married. I have, however, been in several long term relationships and have been engaged several times.

Rlyhurtin,

none of the above, It's about feeling wanted and needed having value for just being me.

even as screwed up and weak as I was OW gave me admiration, affection, communication, companionship, she WANTED to be with and around me. and yes that included physically.

as important as i find sex in my marriage, it was probably the least powerful part of the A. the other needs that were being met made me feel loved in a much more powerful way.

Chaz

In reading Chaz's post I am reminded of one thing.

Most of my running around with men was about fun, control and adventure. My affair with the last MM (for 9.5) years was about all of those things, but over the years it became something more.

BEing with otherwise committed partners allowed me the sexual freedom that I wanted and had nothing to do with intimacy. Those guys were conquests.

With MM, we were able to shut out the rest of the world and allow amazing intimacy free from any expectations. There was no "real world" stuff between us to get in the way (most of the time). I can see now that what we created was not real. It existed only the the bubble that we created, but it was wonderful. It was a much needed respite for both of us.

In choosing a long term partner he could never be my choice because of a lot of "real world" issues. But in terms of creating a safe and loving space...thoughts of him still make my heart sing.

I'm glad that the affair is done, but I can't bring myself to regret it.