Hi all:

Hope you all had a good bunny day!

We did, too. It's been a good weekend altogether. "Buttered" some walls in the other house yesterday, and took "update" pictures of our house today.

Best of all? My W just showed us all that the orchid I bought her on V-day is still in bloom! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> (and the card I gave her is still on the fridge!).

Back to work tomorrow. Oh well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

-ol' Qfwfq

Hey ~Q~

Make me laff. I'm having a blue mood.

P

Ok ~Q~, finally! She's baaaack!

Did your ears burn Pep? We talked about you in Q's other thread. He was looking for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Q, it sounds like it was a happy weekend for you. I'm glad!

Susan

Pepper!

Welcome back. Hm... ...gotta make you laugh, huh?

...how bout just going to the MB Photo page? Houston lunch pix. SC has this goofy digital camera that grossly distorts the edges of the field! I look like a beached whale!

(which is ridiculous! Houston is a LONG way from the beach!).

-ol' Qfwfq

A lady is walking along the edge of the beach, looking in the water and thinking. She stops and says a silent prayer: "Dear God, can you please bring peace to this troubled world, it is in such turmoil right now?"

She hears a voice in answer say: " I could bring world peace, but I hold off and let mankind work out things themselves that they might have personal growth. Is there something else that I could do for you today?"

The women says:
"Yes, my husband is a good man, but he sometimes seems uncaring, hard, and he doesn't pay enough attention to me, could you change that?"

The voice answers:
"Would you like world peace by tonight, or can you give me until next Sunday?

Pepper, I don't always know what to say, but I care about you.

SS

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Q:

Glad you are doing well. I heard one investment counseler say: Put all your eggs in one basket, and then WATCH THAT BASKET.

Lately I have followed that advice and invested in my marriage. WOW, it pays the best dividends that I have ever seen!!

When's your next out of state trip?

SS

ROTFLOL!!!
First it was BB's diminutive size, now it's my "goofy" digital camera! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

SC:

If you can think of another "out" for me, I'll gladly use it! I figured your camera wouldn't take offense! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-Qfwfq

SS:

Probably Juneish.

-Qfwfq

Q:
If improvement continues, you will REALLY enjoy that trip. But then, change is good anyway.

SS

SS:

I think so, too. I have to watch my worries, though. She'll be gone pretty much the whole month of June. I have a couple of "events" that month, so I can only go out there for a week or so.

-ol' Qfwfq

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

Q,

Buttered walls???? Please, oh please explain!! CSue

Let me take a guess...sheetrock mud? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If so, I can butter walls too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Susan

CSue:

Ah yes. "Buttering" walls consists of a skim coat of plaster or joint compound over the repaired cracks and holes, so it looks like a new plaster wall.

That house is not even 100 yet, so it's "relatively new." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Our main house turns 116 this year. But we're in So. Cal. Back east, that's new!, and over the pond, that's NOTHING.

-ol' Qfwfq (not so old, compared to my house!)

2ble post.

Don't you just HATE it when that happens?

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

Q, cool!

The house next door to us is very old. It's made with homemade adobe bricks from the Rio Grande River.

The bricks are under the sheet rock and I'm not kidding - stuff grows from those bricks still.

New adobe construction can't support life, but the old stuff is so cool; it just doesn't appear to support the house as well!! CSue

An update: Last night, I got home and did the dishes. My W got home while I was finishing them, and told me about her day. She had "ethics training" and "sexual harrassment training" classes all day. She thought it was a waste of time. I didn't think much of it, other than to chalk up her reactions to them. As we were going to bed, though, after a program ended on the tube and she seemed to be trying to go to sleep, I turned off the TV and opened PM to read. Before I even found where I'd left off, she heaved a heavy sigh (I've always wanted to use that in conversation). I asked her what's up? She said she's just very depressed. So I put the book down and turned off the light, came over and gave her a big hug, and asked "about what?" No response. I waited, continued to hug her, and asked "Anything you want to talk about?" No response. At some point, I also said "Sorry you had such a bad day at work today" and "At least it was a nice weekend." No response. So, I "applied" what I will now term WNSA (wordless, non-sexual affection). I gently stroked her back as she began drifting off to sleep. It must have "worked" because after about 15 minutes of it, she rolled over to face me and took my hand and squeezed it. Shortly after that, she fell asleep.

Baby steps. But I realized something, too. The training classes, particularly the sexual harrassment class, must have really gotten to her. They talk about inappropriate sexual inuendos and dress in those classes (amongst a lot of other things), and I can imagine a lot of inappropriate such conversation having gone on before her A started. I KNOW it happened, because she often told me about it. Anyway, the point of bringing this up is that she went from being cheerful over the past few days to being depressed (though she said she was depressed all the time lately).

Part of this depression seems to stem from realizing aspects of her R with RM stemming from behavior that would be labeled as sexual harrassment (on the part of BOTH of them at various times over the years). Don't jump on me, because she herself said, just after D-day, that she was afraid that Mr or Mrs RM might try to sue her for harrassment for the past few years, and he might be afraid that she or I could sue HIM for the first A 12 years ago. When she said that, I thought "Huh??" and haven't given it much thought since. And in another way, her depression seems to stem from her annoyance with society's "prudish attitude" about the kinds of inuendos and flirting that could be described as sexual harrassment (and probably were in her class). The kinds of things that lead to affairs in many cases.

Then, this morning, I was thinking about the Laci Peterson case while reading Schnarch's descriptions of emotional fusion and differentiation. He uses the O.J. Simpson case as an example of an extreme emotional fusion (citing, specifically, the remark he made at a party where he grabbed Nicole's crotch and pronounced "This is MINE"). Other examples he cited included estranged spouses that stalk or even hurt or kill each other, because their identity was based on "borrowed functioning." And he gave an example of borrowed functioning, saying that people who say things like "you bring out the best in me" or "we bring out the best in each other" are borrowing their identity from their image of the other person. ...M said those exact words to RM in that "infamous email" on my birthday last year, and then said to me in July, "you're asking me to give up half of who I am" when I told her she had to choose.

I think we're making progress, based on how we're getting along, but it's really hard to know for sure when I get non-responses like last night. And lately, when the convo gets "heavy" like that, those are the only responses I do get.

♥Qfwfq

Perhaps that depression is signifying something else.

I think that maybe, just maybe, she is starting to see the "big" picture. Has she seen the counselor yet in re: the co-dependancy?

Depression stems from supressed feelings. Generally a person wants things a certain way but denies themselves that because they feel guilty. Instead of talking they shut off emotions and put the wall up. Get her to talk if you can...It will only get worse if she continues this path.

Kily:

"I think that maybe, just maybe, she is starting to see the "big" picture."

I think so, too. Really. It's just not possible to verify that this is anything more than speculation on my part if she won't talk to me about it.

"Has she seen the counselor yet in re: the co-dependancy?"

She saw that IC 2 weeks ago today. She had emailed her about the co-dependency just after I sent her the posts about it. I don't know whether they talked about it, but she was cheerful after that session, maybe a few days after. I speculated yesterday that she may have another session with the IC today, but she hasn't said anything to me about it.

"Depression stems from supressed feelings. Generally a person wants things a certain way but denies themselves that because they feel guilty. Instead of talking they shut off emotions and put the wall up. Get her to talk if you can...It will only get worse if she continues this path."

I agree that things will get worse, but what can I do? I tried every angle I could think of last night, and her non-response is typical of all such efforts I've tried. The whole "co-dependency" discussion amounted to nothing more than "educating her", I'm afraid, whether it sunk in or not we've not talked about it since that time.

-Qfwfq

I'm not sure what to tell you. I know for me, I didn't feel that I was being heard. To this day, I am pained that when my darkest hour came, I was left on the floor - broken and alone.

The best thing I can offer is to keep letting her know that you are there and that you want to help, but that you don't know how.

Maybe you can just write her a simple letter.
W,

I am worried about you. I love you, and I hate to see you in pain. I feel very helpless because I don't know what is wrong. I just want you to know that I am here to listen, to hold you if you need me to, and to cry with if that is what it will take. if you want me there - my hand is there for you to hold - unconditionally.

You are in pain and I will not abandon you. I'm here if you need me.
Love
Q