Well havent posted in a while so here's a recap:

Married:9 years Together:11
Three kids: S15 D8 S4

After a series of marriage buster situations (emotional affair;several friends becoming single again;bad work schedule) husband and I separated 3.5 months ago!

We did the cake eating thing up until 2 weeks ago, where i guess i've slowly been crossing over to Plan B.

It wasn't planned at all but was a result of him being in the nastiest MOOD ever and snapping at me for the most insignificant things. I felt like I needed a "hard hat". He was trying to engage me in a fight continuously and avoiding the fight just became too exhausting.

During our cake eating period we would always do visitation as a family, movies, pool, everything that we would do when things were good(because he wanted it that way). The first sunday when he got into his MOOD he called and said he was taking the kids to the beach by himself(it ended he didn't). Ouch, what would I have done without my kids on a Sunday.HELP!

A few days after that we had a situation with babysitting and he wanted to take the kids for their first sleepover at his new place. Problem was WE had agreed long before that he should take them over for a day visit before he did a sleep over. Well before we had finished discussing the whole thing he showed me just how nasty things could get. He yelled to our daughter "Hey baby you wanna come and sleep at daddys new place this tuesday". Then, just to make sure i knew it had been a POWER PLAY, he looked at me with a look that can only be described as contempt and hatred. It ate thru me, just reach in and tear up what is left of my heart.

He did me a favor. Something snapped. It was then that I realized that i couldn't continue to walk on egg shells, wondering, being afraid of what was going to happen next.

Of course we had an argument about it later, where he claimed to be offended by my attitude that he couldn't take his kids. Which was totally not the case, he is a very good father and i would never stand in the way of him seeing his kids or taking them. He is a doting father and adores his kids and they adore him. I clarified my point about the day visit thing and stressed that even though i was willing to do things "his way" i would not jeapordize my kids wellfair. In the end he agreed to do the day visit. But the damage was done.

I had changed, i guess the camels back was broken.I stopped texting him goodmornings, goodnites, Waz up's? and it felt good.

The next weekend when he asked about taking my daughter for an overnite (he did the day visit as agreed), i came back with i think we need to start a regular routine and you should take both of them (he was planning on leaving the 4 year old behind to keep me company).

I feel better! Even though nothing has changed with my marriage or my feelings. And I told him so, i still love him more than words can say, but he's teaching me to live w/o him! And as for being w/o my kids on those days, i feel i'll be okay because i can plan and do things for myself!

I no longer feel that he can come home no questions asked. Now I'm feeling that he will have to want it and want it bad. I think the DOOR MAT is gone! I feel that i can forgive him but only after he realizes how much he hurt me and our family. I guess I would have to SEE the guy i feel in love with, the caring sweet good person that i know he is.

Whether or not that will ever take place i don't know. For my kids, I hope so. For me, I hope so. But i don't feel like my life is over if he never comes back.

I don't know who said it but i'm quoting someone when i say i'm open to saving my marriage but i'm not waiting for him, to continue my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My rollercoaster still takes its dips but i feel 100% better about my life! Making plans! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well wish me luck, first sleepover is this Sunday!

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: crunchie ]</small>

Crunchie,

U R doing good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Thanks! Worried about sunday though! I'm sure i'll be here posting if i can't sleep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Wow, gal you go girl! Keep on being on top of it. I feel happy for your success in such a positive attitude. It does take realization in your personal situation to get where you are. You are in charge of your own life! God Bless, wflower

Hi Crunchie,

How are you doing?

L.

Hi guys,

I'm doing okay, made it thru a very weird weekend and I'm surprisingly high spirited!

Recap:

Daughters communion ceremony and celebration brunch went well. I really enjoyed having the family over. H had to leave early and i actually felt relieved but then he came back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Then came a low moment in my weekend when after 24 hours of ignoring his ADVANCES i gave in. I say low not because i didn't enjoy it or because it wasn't nice but because it hurts that it doesn't change anything. We both realized that maybe it wasn't a smart move, he even apologized in a very genuine way. For a while i felt defeated but i picked myself up and put things back in perpective. I didn't take a step backwards i simply gave into temptation and thats all.

Sunday was interesting, he finally told his grandmother about our sitch which didn't believe him, she actually thought he was joking. I can't blame her, he tells her we are separated and then goes out and hangs out by the pool with me and the kids where we horse around and i take turns climbing on his shoulders. The poor woman must of thought she was going crazy. So when i offer to take her home she tells me she's going to hang at our house for another day, I ask her if she's going to stay at the house alone? She says "no I'm going to be here with my grandson since monday is his day off". TWILIGHT ZONE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So i've got to explain again that we were separated and he didn't live with me anymore. Ouch what a scene and meanwhile he's gone cause he had to play softball. AHHHHHHHHH

Anyways i delivered my kids at the softball game (staying overnight for the first time)and went to a movie with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.
Felt good to be out, I haven't had a grown up night out since my birthday back in january.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Monday night was bad, i had to hold my daughter while she cried herself to sleep because she missed her daddy. I tell her that "things will work out soon" and she asked me "what if they don't?". Tough huh. So i tell her that things will be okay, maybe a little different but that things will be okay and that we all love her. What else can i say.

This just strengthens my resolve to stay open to the posibility of reconciling and not let hatred, anger and pride take over.

Now my next trauma is how to tell my parents about whats going on! I'm really emotionally exhausted the last thing i need is another scene but i owe it to them to tell them. I figure i'm gonna wait till after mothers day. I know,I know i'm doing the "scarlet ohara".

Well that where i'm at! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well H came by yesterday to pick up some mail, and hung out for a while!

He was in high spirits and we had a brief but actual moment of comunication. I don't know how it came up but i told him: that if i had known that allowing him to do things for himself (shopping, laundry, cleaning) would have kept our marriage together I would have gladly given it up. He replied: that in a way he realized he felt sheltered because I handled everything, (I guess like i was smothering/not allowing him to grow up). I told him that he should have taken more responsibility(He was overburdening me by not doing anything). That was it. Brief but important, baby steps i guess.It was over he changed the subject and we moved on.

I'm glad that we at least are growing from this experience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Crunchie, how I wish I could be as strong as you are. I'm facing my H never coming home and being in his company makes me so very sad. I know that I have to, on some occasions face him, as our son is now on T-ball and he wants to come see his games. I'm crushed because I look at him and he is so cool and collected. He is always lighthearted and in a good mood; I guess life with the OW is good. For me, I try to look happy, and always present the "best" me. I'm always made up and dressed up. Yet, it is my eyes that betray me...they are just so very sad. How do you do it? Do you cry afterward? I feel like a freak from a traveling show. It has been 7 months that I just want to stop the crying and get on with my life. A few weeks back, it felt so wonderful (and it wasn't because he was around...just the opposite). I felt confident, looked happy and was okay. Then, he started wtih the "I want to come back", etc. and never did. It was as if all of my heart work and effort went down the drain. How do you maintain your composure? Just tell me your secrets. I have to comfort my two children (10 & 4). My 10 year old is having a very difficult time; their father was with them all of the time. Now, he hardly ever keeps in contact with them. Anyway, I digress. Please tell me how you are doing it Crunchie.

karena

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Honestly I don't know how i'm doing it either. But don't think for a moment that my 'coaster doesn't take dips, they are just shorter and fewer in number now. When it hits me i have a good cry and move on. I find that long drives are especially difficult, certain places or a song on the radio bam i'm dipping.

I think three things have helped me great deal.

First is letting go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I finally realized that there isn't anything i can DO to make him come home sooner(or at all). He has to do this thing himself, travel this journey without me. The most i can do to save my family is try and keep my pride in check so that if the day does come that he is willing to work at our marriage i will still be open to that concept. Letting go has been a great sense of relief for me. It has given me peace.

I'm going on with my life and I'm going to be myself. It was good enough 12 years ago with any luck it will be good enough again. If not, too damn bad! I had to stop apologizing and trying to fix things that i wasn't entirely responsible for.

Second: I read and post here. I talk about it with my friends. I think that everytime I tell my sitch i getting a little stronger.

Third: Realizing that this will not get resolved overnight. One day at a time. Patience with myself and everyone around me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Its hard because they're caught up in their new lives and have rewritten our history in a bad way. We tend to rewrite our history thru rose colored glasses. We only think of the nice moments, the good times.Sometimes I make myself
think of the not so nice times but it doesn't really work I keep going back to the good times!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Speaking of dips i'm experiencing a big one!

Because schedule rearranging the kids are spending the evening with H.

What to do? What to do?

My kids are my life and because of hubbys schedule i'm used being alone with them all the time!

I have no single friends, i don't feel like hanging out with the married ones they all look at me like I'm dying tomorrow.

Thanks again old hubby! You've thrown me head first into a world i thought i was finished with!
What worse a world i don't want to be a part of,
i was happily married!

Dipping on my rollercoaster!

Maybe i should go see my parents and let them in on my sitch, about time i guess. Na, i think i'll write them a letter instead!

Well god never pushes too far. As my depression was hitting an all time low i called a fellow betrayed wife(shes been at this for 3 years, divorced and moving on). She also didn't have her kids for the evening and was planning an evening out at a local club, so i tagged along.

Oh my god! Again i want to thank hubby for throwing me back into the pitts of hell.
Don't misunderstand, i had a great time with my old friend catching up and getting comfort.
But as for what was out there, it resembled some animal mating ritual where there we too many males and they had to do a song and dance to compete for the females attention. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Bring me back my kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All kidding aside, i'm doing better, but i think i wont be doing so much clubing this time around!

One good thing! Since hubby was late getting kids, i was dressed and ready to go when he got here and looking drop dead gorgious. Even he said said so!Ha eat your heart out!

<small>[ May 11, 2003, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: crunchie ]</small>