My W called me yesterday very angry. She said her lawyer received a letter from mine referring to discovery and financial documents and she didn't know what my lawyer was talking about. I calmly explained to her that my lawyer had served her with discovery back in January but never got a response and had followed up with letters on 3/28 and again last week asking that they provide the financials. My W claims her lawyer never received any of it and accused my lawyer off trying to drag this out to "keep the meter running". I told her I had copies of the letters my lawyer sent to hers. She said my lawyer is lying, that she never sent anything to her lawyer and only sent me copies to make me think she is doing something so she can keep billing me for stuff.. She said she didn't know what my lawyer was looking for since I already have copies of our 2002 tax return and the financial stuff is already settled (which it isn't). I told her my lawyer wants copies of her profit sharing and stock statements for the last 7 years. She asked why and I said because I'm entitled to a portion of it. She said I wasn't because that was before we were married. I told her I'm entitled to half of whatever assets she's acquired since we've been married. That was the end of the conversation. I want to remind you all, in her settlement proposal she/her lawyer asked for 50% of my stock options (which I don't have by the way) and other retirement assets, so why this comes as a surprise to her is beyond me.

A little while later she called to ask fo my email address and then sent me an email saying that she doesn't want to argue about retirement benefits and suggested she keep hers and I keep mine and just sign the settlement agreement. She apparently didn't have the guts to tell me this when she called, but put it in an email instead. Seems the worm has turned. Now that she realizes I'm going after exactly what she was (which I rightfully deserve), she's singing a different tune. I think I answered appropriately.

I emailed her back telling her I won't agree to anything until all the cards are on the table, so the sooner she provides my lawyer the financial statements she requested the sooner we can get this issue ironed out. I also suggested we let our lawyers handle this issue as well as the rest of the settlement.

I really don't understand why she was so angry. She should have expected this, especially since I'm only asking for exactly what she was. Reality rearing it's ugly head, I guess. Was there a mix up with the correspondence from my lawyer? Who knows, but I asked my lawyer to send all future correspondence via certified mail so we can avoid any future debates over who sent and received what. At least the issue is now clearly on the table. If she's this angry about something she should have expected, what does the future hold?. I'm in for some rough times and it makes me sick to my stomach.

sad dad

<small>[ May 18, 2003, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Many WS, especially WW's, have totally unrealistic expectations of what they will get from the divorce. I guess they have seen so many celebrity divorces where the W gets a good chunk of her famous H's assets, that they beleive that they too will benefit in a similar fashion. They don't realize that unlike those famous divorcing couples where a lot of money is involved, the reality is totally different for the rest of us mere mortals. For one, the WW may be making the same amount of income (or more) as her BH, and thus in most cases not only are they not entitled to spousal support but it is they that get slapped with spousal support for their BH.

Forgive me ladies if I sound sexist here but it does SEEM that we guys (for the most part) have more realistic expectations of what divorce may bring to us, than most women who file for it do. Maybe that's the reason why women constitute nearly 70% of the divorce filers.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

On top of the reality shock your W got, I would assume that a bit of "double standard" coming into play here. It's ok (in her mind) for her to get upset about what you did, but she wouldn't understand it if you got upset about her doing the same thing to you.

Man, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by est:
<strong>On top of the reality shock your W got, I would assume that a bit of "double standard" coming into play here. It's ok (in her mind) for her to get upset about what you did, but she wouldn't understand it if you got upset about her doing the same thing to you.

Man, I'm sorry this is happening to you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it's a double standard based on widely held beleif by a good number of women that they are going to get the best from their divorce, when in reality it is seldom true. After all, when was the last time you heard a H tell his W that he was going to divorce her and take her to the cleaners?

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I really don't understand why she was so angry. She should have expected this, especially since I'm only asking for exactly what she was.
She was angry because she is not in control of everything now. Doesn't matter if she expected it or could foresee it happening. She will have to make a decision about it & before all this, she could do as she pleased (make a decision or not.)

Even if she were to get EXACTLY what she asked for, she would still complain and blame all her problems on you. Don't expect anything to get better when the divorce is over either.

The best advice is for you to hope for the best & expect the worst.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when was the last time you heard a H tell his W that he was going to divorce her and take her to the cleaners?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I heard it five years ago. The word "cleaners" was replaced with "destroy you", same intent. I remember commenting back in 1998 to my friends and family that I was the "guy" in our divorce, meaning treated as the former (hopefully) traditional role reversal in the court room. The ex was under the impression that everything was "his".

It does happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said my lawyer is lying, that she never sent anything to her lawyer and only sent me copies to make me think she is doing something so she can keep billing me for stuff. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statment blows me away. Sometimes my gender never ceases to amaze me, while making the rest of us look bad.

Hang in there!

Yep, reality is setting in upon her. She thought you would lay down and play dead. Boy was she shocked! Her email to you about "let's forget all this and just sign" is a feeble attempt to stroke you, hoping you would be fool enough to go for it. But since you didn't, she will next come with the guilt and some fury! Be prepared and continue to be calm.

she's clutching at straws, is angry and full of blame as reality starts to sink in, I suppose. I think your challenge now is to get through all this procedure without being bruised too much. It seems like you are doing the right things, keeping your emotional distance.

Some very good responses. Thanks for your advice and analysis. Reality has begun to sink it's teeth and she doesn't like it. I think Chris had it right, she's had control of this situation for so long and now she is being forced to deal with issues and decisions she doesn't want to. Best thing I can do at this point is to keep my distance from my W.

I sent my lawyer a fax telling her about my discussion with my W, her accusations and a copy of the email exchange between us. She was not happy about it and is going to call my W's lawyer to discuss it and hopefully clear the air. I suggested all future correspondence be via certified mail. She did find it amusing, though not surprising, that my W was quick to suggest we each just keep what we have.

I'll keep you all posted as things develop.

sad dad