I'm pretty frustrated. W's affair is over (apparently); no movement toward reconciliation; only increased determination to divorce. Unless there is a miracle during the last 5 minutes of the 11th hour, I will be divorce in the next 2-3 weeks. I WISH (hope and pray) that she would just put on the brakes for a while to give herself time to decompress from the aftermath of the affair (ended a little over a month ago), to think carefully about what she really wants and what we really had in marriage (the good and the bad that could be talked about), and to talk carefully with a few trusted friends who know her and are behinid our marriage. But that is NOT going to happen (barring a miracle). <P>So, I am about to enter the no-man's land of being a divorced man, still hoping for the miracle of remarriage. I know it happens. Any success stories out there? Any advice for me as I enter this new kind of wilderness? No one can tell me I "should" wait for her to return. That is my decision. But as I pray about that possibility (of remarriage, of not dating anyone, of remaining celibate), I could sure use a few success stories and advice on what helped get people through such a time. Thanks.

well doc, if you would like the opinion from the other team, then listen on. you see, i guess you might say that i am the other man, so to speak. look across the playing field, and what do you see? a guy who is in love with the woman who used to love you, and as we all grow there are no gaurantees that we grow together. sad, but true. if i were in your shoes, and if the OM is a good dude, just be thankful that he is. as for yourself? even with a divorce, a relationship will continue to exist. the holidays, birthdays and so forth will take some getting used to. any future relationships of yours will have to contend with the foundation you lay now with your ex. and remember, treat others the way you would like to be treated . . . . it helps.

How can he be a "good dude" if he is helping destroy a marriage?

Carlton -<P>Your attitude really upsets me. This is a Marriage BUILDERS site. We are all here because each of us have been touched by the extreme anguish of infidelity. We want support to help rebuild our marriages because it is the right thing to do. Marriages that survive infidelity are much stronger...and Dr. Harley's methods have a 90% success rate. We all want to be in that 90%.<P>Your sanctimonious attitude is nothing more than an attempt to justify your aggregious, destructive behavior. Don't expect to win many friends here.

Carlton,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>treat others the way you would like to be treated <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are kidding, right? I am sure you would be just overjoyed to have the woman you love abandon you and your potential children.

so many stone-throwers . . . . geeez . . . Is Marriage Builders only for those who have never divorced, or found a relationship with a separated/divorced individual? I'm merely looking for an understanding, and appreciation of other folk's misfortune. So excuse me for not seeking commitment until ready. As far as staying away from her ? If she asked me to do so, I would . As far as my being a homewrecker ? Duh . . . As far as "infidelity" ? Duh . . . As far as truth and understanding ? Is there anything else ? Thanks for the feedback . . . . hopefully this forum will help me not need it in the future .

Marriage Builders is for people working to improve, heal, save or restore their marriage. It is not intended for people wanting out of marriage. If they have tried EVERYTHING they could to save the marriage, then we wish them well & do what we can to help them get through it. However, simply saying it's over & leaving is NOT trying to save a marriage.

Hello out there.....<P>As far as I can tell, the response is to Carlton's reply, not my post. I am interested in any success stories, post-divorce, of reconciliation with an ex-wife or husband. Perhaps my use of remarriage was confusing - I meant getting remarried to my original wife! Her affair is over, confusion reigns, and I'd love the opportunity to hold this family together (20+ years of marriage, 4 kids. Clearly my W is not ready to do that now, but..... <P>Does anyone have success stories and, especially, what they found helpful in the waiting time, hoping for a miracle but guaranteed absolutely nothing.

Carlton,<P>This is not a matter of stone throwing. We are activley trying to save our marriages. Now maybe as one that is trying to wait until you have the perfect situation that is impossible for you to understand? You will never find perfection so if you wait until you are ready you will die a lonely old man. I do not mean to disrespect your opinion, however it does seem as if you are disrespecting ours.<P>We here love our spouses and are doing our best to repair whatever damage has been done. I think you will have better responses on the no morals board. I am definitley not perfect but I do try to do the right thing and that does not include destroying others.

doc,<BR>This thread certainly did seem to get off-track. I would love to hear post-divorce success stories too, as my H filed 5 months ago. My parents divorced after a few years of marriage, and almost immediately remarried, then stayed together for the rest of their lives, another 35 years or so. I am virtually certain there was no infidelity involved though.

Nellie1,<BR> Could you elaborate on your parent's story? Why did they get divorced?Were things better for them after they re-married? Are they still alive to see your situation? Thanks.<BR> --Murph

doc<P>It happens... I've got some neighbors down the street who divorced and remarried (I don't know the reasons why, only that they did). I would think that one would want to keep working "Plan A" and be patient if that is their goal. Just remember that you will be okay, whether she comes back or not. Live for you; make YOU happy. THAT will happen. Good luck.<P>Carlton<P>I can't help but add my two cents worth to you... Anyone - man or woman - who would knowingly have an inappropriate relationship with another person's spouse is beneath contempt. Marriage is for life, and as far as I'm concerned the I don't know how many women who got involved with my stbx are responsible for "killing" the man I married. There's nothing "good" about someone who would do that. Go find your own...<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

Doc I am in the same boat, perhaps not as far along the divorce path. Yesterday we had a 4-way with the lawyers. I too am interested in any "success" stories post divorce.<P>I have found this board to be very inspirational and enlightening, with views from betrayers and betrayed. I continue to learn and I intend to use what I have learned with my "current" wife and also in any future relationship. I expect us to be divorced, but I will not concede defeat and neither should you, (remember the black knight in the "search for the Holy Grail"). <P>With that in mind I am interested in what Carlton has to say since it gives yet another perspective on something I don't totally understand. In my wife's case she expects me to actually become friends with the OM since he is such a "good" person, and all I can do is feel nothing but venom for this person. How could anyone who is so perfect allow 2 marriages to be destroyed, and 4 kids to need therapy, without allowing the marriages to try and resolve their problems, be such a good person? I know that I am not perfect, but where is the conscience in this "perfect" person? I know both of them are at fault, where is the integrity?

Doc:<P>I am sorry your original thread got so side-tracked with comments to/about Carlton's response.<P>Let me just say this, I totally disagree with Carlton and I think he needs to find another site. His response to you was selfish and immature and angered me. I was glad to see others felt the same way.<P>Back to your original request, I won't elaborate on my situation (please click on my profile if you are interested).<P>I do not post on this board (INFIDELITY), I have been posting on the WHY WOMEN LEAVE MEN.<P>In fact, I had a lengthy thread with good responses concerning what you are asking. <P>I am a 'hopeless' romantic (and I am a MAN!)<BR>I still love my wife, been 'separated' for over 3-1/2 years (separated, not divorced).<P>I have heard numerous stories of people that got remarried (to each other) after divorcing. I am like a magnet, wanting to draw these kind of stories to myself to keep my hopes alive (which has been difficult to do most of the time).<P>I remember going to see the movie TWISTER back in 96' just a few months after my wife left. The man is divorcing his wife (Helen Hunt) to marry another. In the end, they get back together.<P>I remember walking out of the theatre with tears in my eyes, looking up to heaven and saying: "God, if Hollywood can restore a marriage, so can You".<P>Other movies I have discovered with similar story lines include:<P>Independence Day, The Firm, Liar Liar,Jungle to Jungle and of course my all time favorite, The New Parent Trap (remake of original with Haley Mills/Brian Keith).<P>I own the New Parent Trap and many times I have watched it with my wife and I in mind.<P>I have shared all this to encourage you to rent these movies and think of your wife. <P>No matter how hopeless it may look to you, God is a God of restoration and He can change your wife's heart and turn your situation around.<P>Just seek Him, begin to pray and ask Him to change you as well as your wife's heart.<P>"Unless the Lord builds the house, they that labor, labor in vain" (Psalms 127:1)<P>I hope I have been of some encouragement!<P>[censored] from Texas<P><BR>

[censored] - <P>I read your profile and you said you have a lot to share with men (I assume whose wife left them). My W left me for a married OM 3 months ago. She filed for divorce two weeks ago. Please read my profile...I can use any words of encouragment or advice you may have to offer. Thanks.

Murphy,<BR>I don't know exactly why they divorced, since I wasn't born yet. There was a lot of conflict in their marriage, which gradually got better as they got older, but I don't think I ever doubted that they loved each other. I am eternally grateful that they remarried and stayed married. My mother was devastated when my father died, and she died only six months later, twenty years ago.

[censored]<BR>I have read some of your posts. I've appreciated your Biblical perspective, but not out of naivete. That is not easy. After 3-1/2 years, how do you know to continue to hope? Why wouldn't you simply get on with the divorce and life without your wife? I believe this to be a very, very personal decision (therefore, I can only decide this for myself in my situation - when it is time to move on and stop hoping for reconciliation). What has been guiding you in that? I will check out your threads in the other section. Thanks

Doc:<P>Thanks for the response to my response. Trust that Carlton won't 'tread on this thread' anymore.<P>I can't tell you how I have made it for 3 years, 7 months and 9 days except by the Grace of God.<P>I probably lose hope about 14 times an hour, but somehow, I get back up and keep on. I have some very personal promises from the Lord and confirmed through others, about my marriage.<P>There are 2 Bible verses that keep me from quitting and believe you me, I have wanted to.<P>1) God Hates Divorce (Malachi 3)<BR>2) Love Never Ceases nor Comes To An End<BR> (I Cor 13)<P>I am a man with normal needs and yet God has kept me during this time. I haven't dated anyone...been totally faithful to my wife (except in thought when I have gone off track a number of times) but I have to believe, God understands and He doesn't whip us for being human and hurting!<P>Hey! I am in this thing for the long haul, I continue to wear my wedding ring and my confession is: "I am a very, happily married man who is completely satisfied in my relationship with my wife".<P>I am prepared to wait, even if it means we are still separated when the trumpet blows and Jesus returns. Now, if my wife were to die (which I am not believing for or expecting); I would probably, eventually remarry.<P>But, as long as there is breath in either of us...she will always be the wife of my youth.<P>Let me share this with you. Grace is far more than 'unmerited favor'...Grace is God's enabling power or power that enables us to go through things that seem impossible!<P>The greater the pain, the greater the grace!<BR>I trust you will stay committed to believing for restoration with your wife, no matter how long or hopeless it looks!<P>[censored] from Texas<P>P.S.<P>Just read your profile and saw you were a Professor. of what? College or High School?<BR>Is that what Doc stands for (Doctor, PhD).<P>I have a PhD in Theology but it means nothing to me now.<p>[This message has been edited by [censored] (edited September 16, 1999).]

[censored],<P>How can you say "I'm a happily married man, satisfied with my wife?" But she's gone. Is she dating? Seeing other men? Moving towards divorce? Faith is one thing - trusting God to do something. But data that is clearly to the contrary is awfully hard to just dismiss. It doesn't sound like you are a happily married man, or for that matter are really relating to her very much at all (her unfortunate choice). I don't write this to accuse or challenge, but to try to understand where you're coming from. Thanks

Doc,<BR>I have an acquaintance whose wife moved in with her boss. They divorced. <BR>Somehow, she moved back home and is living with, not married to, her former husband. I don't the time frame of all this.