Alright I understand the Plan A and B, but isn't there a plan that makes it easier on the kids?

H left 4 months ago, MLC and the symptoms that go along with it. Separation has been weird and transitioning from A to B, but not cleanly. For example mothers day.

After brunch with my side of the family, H is cooking a late lunch for me and his mother and grandmother. Weird huh! I just felt that a separate mothers day was going to be too drastic. Especially since his family is trying to make a point to show support for me.

Isn't it better for the kids that mom and dad are still friends? Or does it confuse them more?

At this point my main concern is for my kids. Especially my 8 year old daughter, its been so hard on her and I've felt so helpless because i cant fix the hurt. I guess the hardest thing one experiences as a parent is not being able to keep your children safe from heartache. And its worse when its caused by daddy, who i know adores her and wouldn't hurt her if it weren't that he's so deep in the fog and confusion.

Hi Crunchie,
Undoubtedly these things are hard on the kids; many will suffer the effects forever. But clearly it is better for them to see their parents as friends. Some of the worst damage done to children is when their parents fight, don't get along, or worse, try to make the kids choose sides.
If you can get along, by all means do it!

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day!

I believe that being courteous to each other is very important to the kids...but setting an example of it's okay to have your cake and eat it too is not okay. What do your kids think of this limbo land they are in? What do they think this separation is about? What do they think of you and their father? What do they think about your H living somewhere else but sleeping over in your bed?

I have kids of all ages as well..even my 4 year old has a basic understanding of what happened between his father and I. Teens had real good idea.

My 18 year old told me in the beginning that she was very disappointed in how I handled things shortly after dday...she said we've always taught them the difference between right and wrong. She said what her dad did was wrong and I shouldn't take it. I then had to go into long explanation that maybe I was too quick to judge things before this happened to us (I always said that if my H had an A I would kick him to the curb). Told her that as long as he stopped and was willing to get help then he deserved a chance...he had always been a good H and father but fell into a bought of temporary insanity.

My 17 yr old gave my H a lecture about lying. That really got to him.

My 4 year old told his dad to stop making mommy cry. Told him to tell the truth...lying is bad.

Point to all of this is that your kids are seeing all this...they are making their own judgements as to what's going on...they are learning from this...what lessons do you and your H want them to learn?

We decided that we wanted our kids to learn that even grownups can make terrible mistakes, that what he did was wrong, was a terrible mistake, that we had problems that lead to him feeling bad (though he was very clear that no excuse for A), that he and I both had issues we needed to work on, that people can change, that hard work pays off, that love is strong, that M and family are a lifelong committment and one worth working your butt off for!

If your H is a good father have him read Torn Asunder...it has some good stuff about kids in there. Try appealing to him with some of the stuff above. What type of man does he want your kids to see him as...what kind of example does he want to set for them?

Separation might not always be bad (stats aren't good though) but this is more limbo then anything else. What about a timeframe? What's his plan? Is plan to slowly proceed to divorce, is plan to try and recover M? Either way a joint plan is necessary. Limbo is not good for anyone!

Have you counseled with the Harley's? If not you might want to consider it...they really help with putting plans in place. Have either of you been in IC or MC? Have you discussed what lead to the A? Are you sure it was only an EA? My H said was only EA for first couple of months then disclosed that was several intense make out sessions and one time full PA.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I've been a foster parent for years and see effects that this kind of thing can have on a family and especially kids!

Our kids went through hell the first couple of months but are now stronger then ever...our MC said that how your kids are doing is the best reflection of all as to how we were doing as a couple.

There is hope of a better life after an A but you have to work as a team to form a plan to get there and then you both have to work hard.

Best Wishes and Happy Mother's Day!

Crunchie,

Maybe this link could be helpful. I posted it quite some time ago but amazingly it did not receive any interest. Are kids so low on the list of priorities when a relationship goes sour?
"Got Kids?"

ba109