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Joined: Jul 1999
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H filed for divorce 2 weeks after I went into Plan B(5/99). Nothing much has happened yet except for contact through our attorneys regarding support, household bills and visitation.<P>H has shut off my car phone and was cancelling house phone unless it was changed to my name--he doesn't want to be responsible for it. All this but he's still giving me money to pay all the bills--I am a stay at home mom for our 2.5 yr old & 4 mos old sons.<P>The only reason I can think of why he filed was to regain control of the ball in his eyes. He files for divorce but does not tell anyone he has done so. He told his mother that he filed for a separation.<P>He is also denying to this day that he is having an affair with OW. He tells people they are just good friends, she's someone good to talk to. According to Steve Harley, he said the average affair lasts 6 mos once it sees the day of light; unfortunately, this affair hasn't seen the day of light because he is still denying it & hiding it from everyone. Is there anyone out there whose spouse just kept on denying the affair? Do they ever admit to it? And if they do, how can I go about(without lovebusting) to bring this affair to the light of day? What if it never does? <P>Anyone out there have any input or could share their experiences with me so that I can better understand? Thanks!<P>Well, wish me luck. We are meeting with our attorneys Friday afternoon and having our 1st 4-way conference.

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Hi Jackie,<P>For starters do not attend the Friday meeting. Reschedual for what every reason you can think of. Also if you really think he is having an affair maybe hire a PI and get evidence. Than let your lawyer can say that he/she will use it. (only can be done if it can be used for grounds of divorce). <P>If you have exchange papers or give him some form of document such as the tax forms...say you have to find them because you boxed them away and can not remeber where. If you have to sign something do not sign it for several days. Than give it to your lawyer and have them sit on it a bit. <P>Do you have children try and get manditory therapy for the sake of the children before the divorce can proceed.<P>Just to let you know I am not a lawyer. I do software. But some of these tactics I have used with un-rully customers. And it works. You may want to try the book divorce proof your marriage or is it divorce busters. NOt sure. <P>I hope this helps. Stay strong.

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Wow, Jackie, Can I relate! I don't have any answers for you because I have the same questions, but I'm really glad that you started this thread. Check out my profile (the glasses), and some of my other posts, and you'll see that I'm really struggling with how to get the TRUTH.<P>My daughter will be 3yrs old this weekend and my baby girl is 4 months. I am home raising them and must admit I'm not dealing well. [Linked Image] <P> We are seeing a mediator next tues. I'm thinking about stalling any possible divorce for maybe the next two years, if I can survive that long! I'll see what happens at mediation, but I'm not going to keep it a secret that I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE. He is giving me money for bills but wants his name off the utilities. I'm stalling, I don't know if I should take his name off. Also haven't dropped him from my accounts, etc. That seems inconsistent with my goal - to stay married. Maybe I'm being naive.<P>Lizbeth <P>I'm curious, how did you discover the relationship with the OW?

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I am not to stage of really talking divorce, but what caught my eye was - How do you know for sure...<P>Well, I had suspected something was going on - then one night when we were talking about the future he said "I am not sure I want to be married" This was news to me - we had always seemed to be honest - open - happy. Except every time we moved, which means he has gotten a promotion. That means he works more and is a SOB. I got used to it after 9 years. My H is defined by work - bad, bad, bad. <P>Anyway, after he said that I started pulling out all the stops to "convince" him he wanted to be married. A little later he said he still wasn't sure. So I gave an ultimatum (wish I hadn't). He moved to guest room after deciding that we couldn't afford for him to get apt. That weekend he went to see his parents (mom is sick) and he told his Dad there was someone else. I found out that following Monday night - by being very pushy. I even knew who it was, but needed him to say it. He was nervous because he knew people were advising me to drain accounts, etc. We agreed to not go that route! <P>I think he wanted it in the open - he couldn't stand being a betrayer - It is tearing him apart that he is doing that, but still has me on hold (her too).<P>I wouldn't mind knowing if you can use adultry in court if you don't have proof - He admitted it to me - no witnesses.

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Pahakissa--<P>Thanks for your input. I am going to the meeting in about 1 hour. My attorney wants to just gather info. H owns his own business and just bought his partner out, so she has some questions relating to business. My husband's attorney has no idea that I don't want this divorce. My attorney has been giving them as little info as possible. I believe my attorney called this meeting to see how H plans to resolve this matter.<P>I have been considering hiring a PI for months now, but my attorney said it's a waste of money because it is so hard in the state of NY to prove adultery. She said it's illegal in this state and how many people do you hear getting arrested for having an affair. At this point, all I want to know is if they are living together and I don't know how a PI will be able to do that unless he can gain access to his apt. Also, my mother would be footing the bill and she really can't afford it!<P>Our children are too young for therapy(2.5 yrs & 4 mos).<P>Thanks again for your support!

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Lizbeth--<P>I am pretty sure I found out right in the 1st 2 mos of affair. H(31 yrs) owns his own business and the OW(20 yrs) is his secretary. H told me his friends in the office were talking about him & OW--that something was going on between them. I brushed it off because H is an extremely friendly boss and I TRUSTED him. Well, one night after dinner out I asked him what was bothering him and he said he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore but that everything was going to be ok with a big hug. It didn't even occur to me to question all his late business appts that he all of a sudden had. He said the business was in trouble financially(which it was) and he needed to give his clients more personal attention--he's in sales. <P>I went to visit family in another state with my mom and our 2 yr old about 1 week later. I was gone for 5 days. Within one hour of returning home, I realized there was a woman in our house. He changed the sheets and emptied the garbage in our bedroom and private bathroom only(H said he was helping me out--mind you I'm now 3 mos pregnant). While I was putting my things away I noticed that my hairdryer cord was wrapped up differently and my styling products were moved around. H left to pick up dinner for us and I went through the garbage. I found 2 champagne bottles, take out containers and tampon applicators. At that point, I knew who it was. H complained to me on the phone while I was away that OW was nagging to go home from work because she had cramps. <P>I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him what I found in the garbage. He told me it was nothing, she was just over to talk to him because he was so upset about our marriage problems. I don't know what advice a single 20 yr old can give a 31 yr old man who has been married for 7.5 yrs. He promised me he would never talk to her again--just keep their relationship professional.<P>That following week I did some snooping and found a teddy bear and a picture of them together at a party we had at the house during the summer(innocent picture) and a receipt in his wallet for a Movado ladies watch that I already own. The watch was purchased 1 week after I found out she was in the house. He tried to tell me the watch was for me.<P>The week after that he said he needed some time away to think so he went on his boat to sleep. After the second night, I went out at 11:00 at night with my 2 yr old to look for him--he wasn't at the boat. From there, I called all the hotels in the neighborhood and sure enough he was registered there. I went by the hotel and found a check for payment for the previous night in his car. Those were Tues & Weds nights. He stayed home on Thurs night--we went for the 20 week sonogram that night of our baby. But, Fri and Sat he slept out again (on the boat). Sat a.m. I sat in the parking lot and saw them walk out together--no kissing or holding hands, but it's quite obvious. Sun a.m. I left a letter in his car at the hotel telling him I knew what was going on and it needed to stop. I wanted to get over this hump and start working on the original problems with our marriage. HE LEFT ME THAT NIGHT AND HASN'T BEEN HOME SINCE.<P>Over the course of the next couple of months, there were more unexplained hotel stays. Oh by the way, he said they were just talking the 4 nights he was in the hotel.<P>SuperBowl weekend I went away with a girlfriend and our son stayed at H's appt. While I was away, he came to house and took all of his summer clothes and his passport. A few days before Valentine's Day Weekend, H told me he wouldn't be able to take our son because he had a really hectic weekend. I surmised that he must have gone to the Islands with OW. I don't have actual proof but I couldn't get in touch with him all weekend and he told his partner he was going to visit a good friend of ours(he didn't). I left him numerous msg's that I needed cash. He calls me on Monday around 9 p.m. and said he didn't get back to me because he didn't have any money until now. Monday was President's Day--pretty amazing that the banks would be open then.<P>There is so much more circumstantial evidence that I have but I could go on forever. My family says I'm a pretty good detective. If you have any other questions, just let me know.<P>p.s. H is very conservative and in 8/98 he grew a goatee and started wearing brightly colored dress shirts with his suits; he always wore white before.

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dhj--<P>You can see from my previous post to Lizbeth on how I know for sure. <P>After H got back from his weekend away, his attitude changed and the goatee was shaved off. He started talking to his sister about getting back together with me(I am very close to his family). I figured there was trouble in paradise and the relationship had ended with OW. So, we tried to reconcile 3/99(about the time our son was born). We went to therapy a couple of times. We didn't bring up the affair at all because he would just deny it and I figured that getting our marriage on track was more important that getting a confession at that time. I thought with therapy it would eventually come out. <P>About 1 week before baby was born, H started acting distant again. I went past his apt and discovered her car there. He tried to deny it until I told him I knew OW got sa new car and then he said they were just friends and were just talking. OW was finally brought up in our joint therapy and the therapist said that he needed to end this "friendship" if he was ever going to give our marriage a chance. He wouldn't end the friendship. He said he was afraid that if our marriage didn't work out, he would have ended a friendship for nothing.<P>H is a good man and I'm sure when he is "alone" and thinking, he must really be disgusted with what he is doing. He is the last person that would do this according to everyone we know. I just wish he would go through this funk of his and get it over and done with so that we could get on with our lives. I don't know why he had to do anything legal.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.

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Jackie, thanks for explaining. I can't believe that you had to go though that while you were pregnant! I'm envious that you were able to check up on him. I suspected things but my H had me tucked at home in New England during the winter with no car and a two yr-old. I would check up on him now, but he sold my car! I can't get people to help me because they think I'm obsessing. Most people don't understand why I won't just "let go."<P>How did your meeting go?<P>Lizbeth

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My H has never admitted that the affair started when he was still living at home, even though I caught him calling her on the cell phone from our driveway 3 months before he moved out (said it was her husband he was talking to - she is divorced) and the therapist admitted it when I told her I had found out. He is living with her now, which he doesn't deny.<P>He filed for divorce as soon as I found out. I think it somehow makes it "all right" in his mind. He says the divorce is inevitable, even though he is not saying it is the best thing for the kids, for me, or even for him. He is angry that I won't speed it up. He says he doesn't want to be in limbo. I can't understand why he is in such a terrible hurry.

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lizbeth--<P>It really amazes me how so many people think that we should just "let go". H's sister had even said to me "well, he said he doesn't love you anymore". I really wanted to ask her what she would do if her husband did the same thing. Would she be so willing to let go? But I know no one has any clue as to what they would do unless they were in my shoes. The bottom line is we have been married for 8 years, together for 10 yrs and have 2 beautiful sons. This is not something to easily let go of.<P>I went all the way to my attorneys office and found out the meeting was cancelled. My attorney go stuck in court. Anyway, YIPPEE!!! I don't mind. I also told her legal assistant that I want to stall this matter as long as possible.<P>Does your H see your 2 kids? If so, does he take them out of the house for visitation? H only sees our older son, but I am now going to let him take the baby for the weekly visitations, but not overnight--he's still too young. I have real mixed emotions about this. I don't want OW around my baby, but I am realizing there are more pluses than minuses for me to let him take the baby. The only minus is not wanting her around. I'm hoping that reality hits when they have to deal with 2 kids instead of an easily entertained 3 yr old. I keep telling myself she's only 20 and who wants to deal with 2 kids at 20. I know I didn't--I was too busy partying.

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Nellie1--<P>My H keeps saying that our marriage will never be the same after this. I will never be able to trust him again. I think he feels it would be like living in a prison. So I guess at this point divorce is the only answer to him.<P>I just realized the other day that H filed 6/1/99 and has not done anything since then. I kind of feel good(always looking for that silver lining) because I feel that if he truly wanted this divorce he would be pushing it through and he's not. I sometimes think that him filing was a way to keep OW quiet and happy. I am positive that she is pressuring him for this divorce. <P>We did have a meeting scheduled for us and our attorneys on Friday, but my attorney had to cancel. According to my mother-in-law, H had no idea what the meeting was about.<P>My H had been in such a hurry all along for me to sign a legal separation. I guess that want to reach their supposed lifetime of happiness with OP and if they had to think about it, maybe they wouldn't go through with it. Who knows??!!!

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It is so hard to find an attorney who is willing to slow down the divorce process. I have talked to 3, and only one was willing to slow it down, even for awhile, and I wasn't happy with his fee structure. One of them basically told me that I should take the money and run, and that the less my H saw of the kids the better, so he couldn't interfere with raising them. Apparently she thinks fathers are useless except as sperm donors.<P>

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I'm SO TIRED of getting the "just let go" attitude! I spoke with my H's roommate tonight. He just divorced his wife of 5 years because they were incompatible. I say b***sh**. After reading the info on this website and doing a lot of soul-searching, I've decided that divorcing for a reason like that is like trying to live your life based on instant gratification. With an attitude like that you could go through marriage after marriage. I feel like everyone else wants me to give up because that's what THEY do. <P>Since I'm not giving up on this marriage, of course I still want to know if he's lying to me, which is another way that people think I'm obsessing. My H accused me of being schizophrenic and jealous, Not a pretty picture, huh? I'm sure this is what he's telling everyone we know. I don't even want to take my kids to playgruop anymore because the ladies there believe half this stuff, but I think going is the only way to prove that it's not true.<P>Yeah!!! So glad that the meeting was cancelled! Glad to see that your H doesn't seem in too much of a rush either.<P>About visitation: I was going insane with both babies alone. We try to raise our children in a very loving, attached environment, and that can mean spending days doing nothing but snuggling, reading books, making snacks, nursing and checking email. Meanwhile, my house is drowning in a sea of laundry, dirty dishes and unpaid bills. And who has time to eat? So, I decided I needed my H to give me some time to sleep occasionally. Also, I'd gotten advice early on from an attorney with experience in family law and breastfeeding, to encourage my H to take the kids as much as possible. Even the baby! Well, it breaks my heart, but I've tried to follow her advice. We don't have him take the baby away from our neighborhood, but I will leave while he takes her for an hour or two. So far she's been fine, she hasn't needed to nurse during those times and he wears her in a little pouch which she enjoys. <BR>Here's our schedule: tues & wed-H arrrives 6pm, visits with both kids for a couple of hours in house or at park, takes 3yr old for the night; fri-H arrives 6pm, visits with both kids for a couple of hours, takes 3yr old until noon sunday. Most week nights our 3yr old actually ends up staying with me because she may fall asleep while they're at my house. This happens a lot on fri nights too so sometimes I have her sat mornings.<P>My 3yr old is getting used to it, and expects to be at her dad's house certain nights. She calls it "my house" because that's what he would say when he would ask her if she wanted to go. She cries to go to his house, now. Sometimes I want to tell him to never come back and never see the kids again, but then I remember that I have no family in the area to help me and I almost gave him custody in a moment of severe stress and weakness-so I can't raise them alone right now.<P>We had just moved a few weeks before my baby was born so I still have boxes to unpack!!! I recovered from the birth and left him, so I came back to the house last month to find it a disaster. [Linked Image]<P>I know what you mean about not wanting the OW around your children. The OW I suspect was our babysitter, and I told her last week to stay away from my kid!! She's young, but fancies herself as a little mommie. She and my H shared a passion for our daughter. (My H actually yelled at me for talking to her like that "after everything she's done for our family") Arrgghh!<P>Lizbeth


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