Need to vent:

H has just started taking kids overnight two weeks ago after being gone for 4.5 months (see my other post)!

So I ask him "Your taking them this saturday, right?"

He replies "Well I was going to take them during the day return them and then pick them up again on sunday morning. Why do you have plans?"

Why yes dear h, after being a hermit for over 4 months, I've finally gotten the courage to start going out.Didn't say all this just replied a simple but FIRM "Yes!" Gooooooo me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm so proud of myself. Ordinarily i would have backed down and kept them on saturday night!I adore my children but i need to have conversations that are not about the Rugrats and Lizzie Maguire.

Don't misunderstand me guys, its just me out with the girls, dinner and the movies. But its OUT of the _ _ _ _ house with grown ups! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyways he replies "Well i guess I'll cancel my plans and keep them saturday!"

He wasn't upset (or didn't show it) but the "canceled plans" victom role doesn't suit him.

Boohoo, makes me want to cry, sorry about your plans (NOT)!

Sorry this sarcasm doesn't suit me but my god. He's had the kids twice overnight in the last 4 months and he has the nerve to say he has plans!
You see, he claims he had waited this long to take them overnight because he wanted me to be stronger, soooo shouldn't he be jumping at the opportunity to take them, now that I am stronger! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ May 14, 2003, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: crunchie ]</small>

Crunchie (I love that name),

I don't know your whole story, but I think it's GREAT that you stood your ground, and got your night out. You need to make a habit of it!

DOn't feel guilty about it one bit. I bet you are a fab mom to your kids, and you need to take care of yourself. It's important!

Keep it up,

E

Yaaaaa Crunchie!!! U R doing good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

So much for feeling great!

When I tucked my baby girl (8)in bed she started crying. She misses her daddy, and the way things were when we were together! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What do i say to that? I try to reinforce that WE both still love her very much and to look at the positives that are happening now like the movies every weekend etc. Doesn't really fix her pain does it?

I guess as visitation becomes more formal she's realizing that its not as temporary as daddy told her.

Ouch this hurts that my baby is hurting and I can't fix it! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I try to explain to her that its not me, I still love daddy very much but daddy needs time?

God this sucks!

Forget what he's doing to me, why is he hurting his babies like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

And then its the guilt, should I really go out? But they need to spend time with him right?

Ah I hate these dips! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Crunchie,

When our children show their pain, you need to plan how you share that with the WS. No need to shield him from that. That tends to enable the A.

Wehn that happened in our home, I encouraged our son to tell his dad (our son was 6 near d/d). Son said he was too ashamed to talk to his dad about his feelings of abandonment. I shared that message with the WS who was totally in the fog but that message stuck in his brain. Played back in his head and had the OW doing handstands to try to brainwash him but it was one of the few pieces of truth that stuck in his head.

About 4 months later, my son out of the blue said he wanted to write his dad a letter to let him know how he felt. He had asked me again why did his dad leave both of us? I again told him it was a good question and while I knew his father loved him, it didn't make sense to me either so he needed to ask his dad. Again he said he was too ashamed but this time volunteered to write a letter.

Dear dad, 2 sentences and 2 questions, love your son..... simple and too the point. Cut sharper than any LB I could every conjur up. WS hung to that letter for dear life. WS said he cried when he read it and home with it.

Point is you need to let your children express themselves and allow the WS to feel it.

L.

I agree Orchid,
Isn't it funny.
My dauther will tell me how hurt she is, how she feels about what her dad has done, he has hurt us so deeply. I have told her, you need to share your feelings with your dad. She tells me, oh, I couldn't, it would hurt his feelings.
Kids love their parents!

Crunchie,
My H has only had our girls 2X overnight in the 2.5 months he has been gone.
When my daughter suggested they stay with him, he said, oh, I never thought of that.
NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT??????
How in the world can a caring father (before he became totally out for himself) not think of that?
He has not had them 24 hours straight since he left, and seems perfectly fine with this arrangement.

Both times my girls went, I went to dinner with a group of friends. I Loved every bit of it!
Like you said, you love your kids, wouldn't want to be without them, but, to have adult conversation, not have to hold back on what you say about Anything, is great!

Go for it! The kids do need to be with Dad too.

KEB

Dearest Crunchie!!
There is a chocolate bar here called Crunchie and the logo is Thank God Its Crunchie!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> is that you??

For your children, they are so lucky to have such a fantastic loving mother, who has taught them well and they are comfortable enough to be open with their feelings. Talking and expressing are great outlets for children too.

Have you tried art/crafts. Encouraging your daughters to draw paint or colour on blank paper and see what they create from their own imaginations. Younger children often let out their inner feelings through this medium. A thought would be to send their Daddy weekly updates of their skills, latest pictures drawn by them, notes etc., specifically from the children.

As for the adult outlet - you go girl - you deserve it, need it, and should have it, enjoy it.

Best wishes
Ad

Thanks guys!

I gotta tell you honestly I'm getting strong enough now to start thinking about the big D. But everytime I look at my daughter, I say to myself hold on just a little longer maybe, just maybe he'll come out of it and then we can work on living "Hapily ever after".And my baby girl will have the life she misses back!

I have three kids. My oldest is 15, he's affected but has his own life already so even though its hard, he's not as dependent on us. (Footnote on this topic H is making extra efforts with him. Invites to movies alone with him which is nice considering its his stepson)

My youngest is 4. Because dad has always worked afternoon he's used to limited contact during the week. Besides since H roommate has a son from his also failed marriage, he loves going to dads apartment. He says daddy has two homes! Thinks its really cool!

Which brings me to why I'm so worried about my baby girl! Theres never a good age for kids and divorce but honestly 8 is probably the worst for a little girls daddy to move out of the house.

Your right though I've gotta make him aware of the situation, hopefully he will rise to the occasion like he has with the 15 year old.

Does anybody have some books on the subject they can recommend?

Well just like him H is getting a bigger place w/o telling me. Not that he even told me when he put the deposit down on the first one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You see aparently he and his buddy even arange visitation on the same weekends. One weekend its a bachelor pad, next weekend its daddys daycare.
Convenient huh.So they need a bigger place!

It just bugs me. Financially we are in for some serious problems. I dont get paid for about 4 weeks during the summer, how are we going to continue running the two households??We barely do it now with two paychecks. And obviously havent been able to save a penny.Ahhhhh.

I wish i knew what he's thinking. He scares me cause I don't know if he's still confused or if he knows he wants out and is trying to protect me!

Don't get me wrong, if its the later I can deal with it but his methods of communication are very laking. I wont get a heads up.

When he was ready to leave I honestly think at least a month passed by before he blurted it out. And the way he told me sucked. We were joking around and laughing about something and he said "I'm leaving on monday" then he said "Ha just kidding" two minutes later"No actually I wasn't, I'm really leaving on Monday". Just like that in the middle of joking and having a good time.

He thinks he's protecting me but actually he makes it worse because what he needs to say comes out in the wrong way and at the wrong time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It just seems that the things he's doing are making the separation more permanent. I know I shouldn't try and read into his actions (he probably doesn't understand them either), but I feel like I should be bracing for the storm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />