Yes, that's right. It is unfair! Everything I have wanted my wife to be:

affectionate
sexy
enthusiastic
understanding
proud of me

Everything I have wanted my wife to do:

wear makeup for me
buy sexy lingerie for me
kiss or touch me in public
call me at work just to tell me she loves me
care about my feelings
tell me I'm a good lover
defer to my judgment or edify me

All of these things she did with OM! I know, I read e-mail, tracked IM's, read letters and cards, even talked directly to OM.

Now, 16 months since last contact with OM, my wife still does none of these things with me! She says our love is "mature", she is not some lovestruck high school girl (she is 48 but still verrry sexy when she wants to be.

She says I have to "not go there'. I have to "get over it". She gets angry that I would even want her to behave the same way with me that she did with him. She says that's "sick".

She says she loves me , always has, always will. That she never really wanted him, but didn't think I really loved her. She says she is happy now, since I have professed my undying love for her and she believes it.

BUT IT IS SO $$#%%ING UNFAIR!!!!! I wanted all these things before her A, not because of it! I still want these things, but I'm being told I have to accept the fact that I won't ever get them. Is that fair?

Here's an example. Last nite she piled up all the "winter clothes" to put away in the attic. On the top of the pile was a white, low cut poet blouse. I bought it for her after D-Day but before NC day. Back when she was still wearing makeup, dressing sexy, seemingly feeling "hot" about herself (maybe becasue she had 2 guys after her!!??)

She wore the blouse once with me back in 2002(who knows how often with OM). She hasn't worn it for over a year. I asked her why she was putting it away and she said it was long sleeve for winter. I said why didn't you wear it this whole past winter? She said "I didn't feel like it". I asked her if she is now comfortable being "matronly" (bad move). She asked what I meant and I pointed out that back in early 2002 she wore makeup, dressed to kill, seemed to feel alot better about herself. I said I feel like I should be able to make her feel that way now, but I guess I don't. She got verrry angry, saying that I don't get it. That I have to "think about it". That I am a "pig" that only cares about what's on the surface. That I should go find some "young whore" if that's what I want!!!

I was flabbergasted. All I was trying to say was "why don't you want to look your absolute best for your husband, the way you always did for HIM!!"

But that never got out. She won't go there. UNFAIR?? You betcha!

Boppo,
Although I (WS) may be struggling with divorcing my betrayed wife or not right now, I can identify with your feelings. Though I have no kids, and have only been married 6 years, I have experienced the same thing from my wife before I had my affair. I used to meekly express to her my needs, in the form of a complaint or insult, and she would insult me back and say "why don't you have an affair". For you I think this needs to be confronted and dealt with. You need not beg her or feel you are doomed to a life of unmet needs (you have a list already). You need to communicate with her without fear, and be sure of your own needs...tell her that these must be addressed and decide how important they are to you. Being unsatisfied and not directly confronting led me to seek my unmet needs elsewhere. I was fearful that my W would not meet or want to meet them. You need to know how important the needs are to you, and express that to your wife. It sounds like you will need to compromise, but don't take no for and answer unless you can live with that.

Blah34

Boppo I beleive a person should try everything possible to save a M, but if after all attempts at saving the M, nothing changes, then remember you have freedom to chose what you want out of life. Am I implying that you divorce her? not necessarily but you have to be open and honest with her and tell her that her lack of desire for you is something that is very painful for you and that you don't know how more of this you can take. If, after some time, she still choses to ignore your feelings, and you chose to continue being married to her, then you have no one to blame for your suffering but yourself. Both of you are responsible for the consequences of the choices you make.

It must feel really awful to be in that situation. I know you're hurting.

I just wanted to say that it is OKAY to decide you can't go on in a marriage where your partner refuses to meet your needs. As the other poster said, you have to be honest and tell her what your needs are and how she can meet them. If she's trying and you aren't thrilled with her best effort, that's one thing. But - if she's refusing to try...

If you've done all that you can do, then you can end it knowing that you gave it your best effort. That's all we can expect of ourselves, that we give our best effort. Marriage isn't a death sentence - unless you choose to remain in one that is killing you.

Good luck to you,