Greetings! (I also posted this in Other Topics since I'm new and wasn't sure what category to use.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I need some advice. When I met my husband I was in my early 20s. I had gone away to college for a year but had come home to work and go to school part-time. I've been a student ever since we met, I love education, and am studying to become a teacher.

Well, after we got married I lost my financial aid and stopped going to school for 4 years. Then, I got a new job - working for a college - so I finished my 2-year degree (free tuition for employees) and earned a scholarship (full tuition again) to a university, so I'm still going to college part time - I'm now in my early 30s.

He has always been very supportive of my education but these past few years it seems to be dividing us - not because of time spent away (we have no children and he enjoys his time alone) but because I think he feels intellectually inferior. He dropped out of high school and has never liked education. This is our biggest difference. I'm a writer; he doesn't even read books. I feel like I can't talk to him about any of the things I learn or that excite me.

I'm beginning to feel distance from him and his friends. We don't seem to have anything in common anymore. I had another friend whose husband did not want her to go back to school because he said she'd outgrow their relationship and leave him behind. I never thought that would really happen, but I'm afraid it might be true.

Has anyone else experienced this? What can I do?

We have other problems, too, not just this, but when we argue, this comes up frequently and it bothers me. I think it may be the root of some of our other problems. (I think he suffers from depression, he drinks too much, and we have some financial problems due to credit card debt.) But his low self-esteem and increased drinking seems to have been increasing ever since I got the job at the college.

Please help.
Thanks,
Chrys

Chrys,

Yes, I think your education is splitting you apart, but not in the way you think. I am going from what you have posted and I realize there is more to the story, but let's look at what you have said.

For over 10 years YOUR focus has been on getting your education.

Your H apparently has NO redeeming features to him: he is not well educated, he is drinking too much, he is depressed, and there are financial problems (presumably his fault).

In the middle you say </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm beginning to feel distance from him and his friends.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I bet you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now let me explain something that you need to pick up on. Education does not make people smarter or better. It offers them different forms of employment, perhaps widenes their horizons as to recreational activities, and SOMETIMES satisfies there intellectual curiosity.

I will offer you an example: ever been to a rodeo? ever been to a symphony? Which is more intellectually challenging? Which is the BETTER form of intertainment? How about car racing? Same questions? How about an art exhibit? Same questions?

The point is that you have grown away from your H because your FOCUS has been elsewhere. You have accepted his financial support, but it seems you haven't been supporting him.

Chrys, education doesn't separate people, lack of seeing things for what they are often does. You value education, and it seems your H is intimidated by it. Does that mean you two are incompatible, NO? It means you could use your education to remove his intimidation, his insecurity. For all you know he may be a very bright man, but suffers from learning disabilities, and yes depression doesn't help learning.

I think his drinking suggests a need the anethesize (sp) himself. He isn't happy, why?

My bet is because he feels that your focus has been more on your education (hence his preceived failings in education) and less on him.

Please think about this. I can assure you that you have not gotten smarter from your education, but it has broadened you. Perhaps you need to explain that to him. People are often very intimidated by what they don't know or understand.

I will offer you a different sort of example to consider. I have a daughter for whom, running has always been something she enjoys. It came easy to her, and to this day she finds running 4 -10 miles RELAXING. It is easy for her, her mind embraces the fatique. For most people running is NOT that for them. It is hard work and it is painful.

My question is can you say that she is better because she LIKES to run? It has little to do with her other than her likes and dislikes. Are you BETTER if you become a teacher and your H continues to make a living doing what he does? Is it his fault or your fault because formal education comes easier for you than him?

Does he have other talents that make him employable? If so, are they bad?

My point in all of this is that your education CAN indeed split you apart not so much because you 'outgrow' him, but because you cease to see the value in him or focus on him in your life. Yes, your interests can be different.

Frankly, I enjoy going to the rodeo, the symphony, art galleries, sports of all kinds, but you know what in 27 years I have never talked about my work with my W. She is NOT interested, and really wouldn't understand it. I keep telling her I could explain it to her, but she doesn't want to know. Yes, we are both college educated. We do have things in common, three children, a mortgage, interest in community projects, and we go to sports and other events together.

So my advice is to address the other issues in your marriage, and a place to start is His Needs Her Needs by Harley and the articles on this site. Your problems aren't your education.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your reply. It made a lot of sense. I think I just get so excited about learning, and wanting to share what I learn, that I forget others might not be as interested as I am in the subject. I think you're right about where my focus has been - I'm not intentionally finding fault with him, he's a wonderful person, but I think being around people at work and in class who are more like me sometimes makes me forget that not everyone shares my enthusiasm for the classroom. There are other ways to learn - and other valuable skills to possess. There's no way I could do all the physical work he does around our home - or operate the complex machinery he uses at work.

I think I may resent him for not wanting to further his education - but that's my dream, not his. It's just that through my job he can take classes for free and he as expressed an interest in some types of classes (like art and photography, which he has a talent for) - how can I encourage him to pursue this instead of intimidating him? I really want to emphasize what we have in common instead of always pointing out the differences. I think these things will come easier once I've managed to change my attitude.

Thanks again, your advice has been helpful.
Chrys

Chrys,

If he has a talent and INTEREST in photography for example, why not take the course with him?

Let me ask you another set of questions. I don't if you are deeply religious or not and if you are, your demonination. But, consider how you would feel going into a church, a mosque, etc where you don't really know the rituals, the customs and even the beliefs.

Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable, out of place, and really like everyone was looking at you?

Your H dropped out of HS. How do you think he will feel going back into a school, a community college, etc?

You need to consider where he is coming from. He may not be as much anti-education as you think. He may be more intimidated and self-conscious about his lack of education and abilities.

This is hard for him to overcome. What you don't realize is that "education" often adds confidence to people. In fact it does that more than it adds really useful knowledge.

I will tell you a true story. Many many years ago I was in the AF. I was assigned to a research lab because of my educational background. I had a group of airmen working for me who had GED's. None of them would be considered scholars. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yet, after 4 years or so of working around us "college boys" all of these guys got out of the AF and went back to college. I kept up with most of them, and they all blew the doors off of their courses. Why? Did the AF make them smarter? No. Did the AF prep them? Sort of. It gave them 4 more years to grow up and mature and figure out what they wanted to do with their lives.

I would bet dollars to donuts that your H could and would do very well in HS and college now if he wanted to. He is probably making too much money to go back, but the point is, it isn't intellect, it is interest.

If you find things that both of you are interested in and share those interests you won't grow apart. You may also belong to organizations that suit your interests better, but Chrys you H is a productive member of society and he has supported you through your journey for more education. I would bet he is very proud of you, and probably brags about his "smart" wife.

My advice to you is to realize that if you are "smart" you will realize that education while very useful isn't what makes you who you are and that your H may well be someone to be proud of. I would bet that he doesn't feel that you are proud of him. In fact, I would bet he is expecting you to leave him for one of those "college boys".

Chrys, if you read here you will find that formal education is NOT the answer to a happy life. It can help, but many of the BS's and WS's here have college educations and I don't think you would want to swap lives with many of them.

You job is make your H realize you love him and that your education is YOUR thing, but not what defines YOUR relationship with him. You H's education is coming OJT (on the job training) and he is learning how to deal with people, machinery, and even businesses. There is a lot to be said for his type of education.

So have a new look at things. Take that photo course with him. It might help him feel more comfortable. It might start something really big for him. One never knows. But, I do know this, you need to realize he has been on your side all along.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ June 10, 2003, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Thanks again - I actually did offer to take the course with him, but he said that would make him uncomfortable.

I agree that there are all different types of education and the variety is important. Now I just have to "practice what I preach" and not try to pass myself off as superior somehow. I don't feel that way, but I may have been giving him that impression without meaning to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know he's proud of me, he tells me so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I need to do the same for him.

Thanks & Blessings,
Chrys