I have a letter prepared to e-mail my wife's former affair partner. She goes on with life like nothing happened and I can't get it out of my mind. It's beyond my belief for that matter and since she won't discuss it, I plan on contacting him myself. I want to know the details, because if I don't hear them, I'm left to assume so much that it makes matters worse. My wife redidacated a few weeks ago and I did two weeks before that. We are doing pretty good, but that affair thing still haunts me everyday. I knew about her meeting him when it happened two years ago, but I only found out that she had sex just a few months ago. He's the typical womanizer who goes after married women and threatens them. He sweet talks them and pursues them until they give in. He caught my wife during a time when we were having problems and she finally gave in. I let him know in the letter that I know about him and the others and I want to know what all he did to my wife. I told him I don't want him ever to be even close to her, talk to her or anything else for that matter. I also told him that if I didn't get some answers that I would get with him in person.

So what do you all think? Send it or not? I need to know quick because I'm about to loose my patience.

terry,

I vote no. Do not send the letter. Since contact has ended....ANY contact is a dangerous thing. The person to give you these details is your wife...until she does, nothing the OM says is going to make you trust her anyway....she has to rebuild that trust by being honest. And you can help her be honest, by making her feel safe. I can imagine how difficult it is to imagine the details....but I honestly believe contacting the OM is not the right way to do this. Does your wife know you are considering this? If not....you can't expect honesty without being honest. The POJA works both ways. Good Luck.

Unfortunately you do not have much of a choice.
Your wife is being very cruel to you not discussing this with you since it is the very least she should do. She is not redidicating herself to the marriage because she refuses to be open and honest with you. I am sure if the roles were reversed she would never accept the fact that you refuse to tell her anything about the affair. She is still disrespecting you by refusing to be honest with you and you should never have accepted her back until she was honest with you.
What makes you think the OM will tell you the truth. Since your wife refuses to talk to you about it then you are left to contact him. Just remember to take everything he says with a grain of salt. After you talk with him then talk to your wife and maybe she will then be forced to discuss it with you. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling to discuss this. If she still refuses to discuss this with you then I doubt you will truly recover. Your wife is being very mean spirited and selfish and cruel towards you. Apparently there are simply no consequences whatsoever to her behavior. If you wife refuses to be open and honest with you then you need to ask yourself what is it that you really have?

Hi Terry,

I know this is a late reply but don't send it. Your desired result isn't happening.

You are maybe assuming the OM has some santity and will understand? Trying to appeal to his sense of reason?

You may be giving him too much credit and he may use that against you. Don't go there and create more pain for yourself. I know this is hard NOT to do but believe us, it isn't going to come out that good. Odds are against you on this one.

I could be wrong but my gut tells me know. I am no professional, just been in this stuff and reading here way tooo long (LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Now let's use your 'energy' to help you. U game?

L.

Don't put anything threatening in writing.

terryfx

couple of things...

contacting the other person like Starfish noted is very dangerous,,,it could be the exact type of catalyst that puts the two of them back in contact. back in contact as in them against you...and back in contact that can drag this letter business out till they resume frequent contact with one another.

You need to go lovingly to your wife and tell her that ignoring and avoiding the issues that lead to her affair is just as damaging as the affair itself. That the truth does set us free and that you what you fear and imagine is often a lot worse than the truth...YOU must look deeply and carefully at your ability to hear the truth as well though.
Know that wanting details is a common common occurance for the BS....but it can cause a lot of pain.

Look carefully at your role in creating and environment in which your wife feels safe in telling you about things...I know this seems unfair...and it is..that the BS has to work so hard...while the WS just appears to ignore and move on...But look at the bigger picture and attempt to show your wife that is where your goals are.

the bigger picture includes both of you learning better communication in which both can feel safe in telling the other when things are not going well...

the bigger picture is both of you learning new communication and conflict resolution patterns that are effective.

And that your plan in fixing this is not to avoid these things but to learn to deal with them.

To many people come here years after the act of infidelity still no further in recovery than D-day. I have come to believe that good counsel is imperative to healing...and that even if she refuses right now you must and should seek counselling.

Also you need to learn to not focus on the OM...It is just a distraction from the real issues at home. Regardless of his actions there is nothing you can do about them and it is with your wife that the two of you need to learn new ways to handle things....

luck to you
ARK

Bryan is right. Your wife has not committed to the marriage if she is still cruelly withholding the facts about YOUR LIFE from you. It is cruel and manipulative and she has basically held you in this marriage for 2 years with a lie. You will never recover and your marriage has very little hope as long as your questions are not answered.

It adds insult to injury that the OM knows MORE about your marriage than you do. Her continued secretive behavior only serves to further erode the already damaged trust in your marriage.

Not that counseling would be any kind of magic bullet that would make her become honest, but I would check out counseling to find out what led her to have an affair. No doubt this will happen again if the cause is never addressed.