Ok.. for those of you who don't remember me, I was on here a few months ago, after my wife of nearly 4 years walked out on me for a 38 year old co-worker.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=023144 if you want to read up on some background.

Up until last week, I had given up all hope she would ever return. On Friday, she called me at work, asking if we could meet for Lunch to talk. Honestly, I thought she was bringing me Divorce Papers. I agreed, and she said she'd meet me at the Apartment and would bring something to eat. At 12, I went home, and my WW was standing on the porch, sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, and she just said "I wanna come home" then began crying on my shoulder. I told her "I've been waiting forever to hear you say that"... Then she said "Before you say yes..... I have to tell you, I'm 12 weeks pregnant".......

Needless to say, this was a big change in moods, all within minutes.. First happy that she's wanting to come back, not divoce.. Then that she's pregnant with his baby....

So to recap that, my wife walked out Mid February.. Got Pregnant with her lover's baby in late March or Early April... Now has decided that our marriage is the most important thing in her life and wants to despiratly come home and rebuild. I of course told her to come home.

Over the weekend, I had vacation planned w/ my family and was gone until Monday. I was going to cancel, but she hadn't told OM yet, and wasn't sure she'd be able to move this weekend, then insisted I go ahead w/ my Vacation Plan.. She didn't want me to be sitting home miserable waiting for her to show up if something happened and she couldn't get away so easily.

I went on vacation that evening.. Friday. On saturday afternoon, she called me from the Apartment. Her and her mother had just finished unloading her stuff there, and then she was going home w/ her mom until I got back from my vacation yesterday. She was at the Apt. waiting for me yesterday when I got home, and we talked for several hours about everything. Her relationship w/ OM, my dating relationships since she left. And I confessed to an A that I had last year and had kept buried all this time.... It was a very very very tear jerking conversation.

Then, we showered together and.. well...... lets just say that all those months of lacking SF came flooding over both of us.

Now, we're setting up counseling with the pastor of my church... She's finally agreed that it's a necessary step for us to take. She's also agreed to start going to church w/ me, and agrees that we BOTH have a lot to work on.. The baby is due in 6 months, and I've agreed to do everything I can to take care of both her and the baby. I know, most of you are probably going to think of me as a fool for doing this, and I figure my parents will agree when they find out (they know she's home, they don't know she's pregnant)....

So.. what now? I know counseling is a definate requirement. I've read several of Dr. Harley's books (Surving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters) As well several other books.. (read all of these the first months after WW left). We're going back to church, she's getting a Gym membership so she can work out with me and get in better shape for the Pregnancy. We're talking and giving eachother complete and open honesty.. We're really really meeting eachother's EN's again.. Affection.. SF.. Honesty.. Communication.. Admiration.. We're really really doing all of those well so far (I know, it's only 4 days so far).

But are we leaving anything else out? I know the baby is going to be a hard issue, but I truly think that I can love it as my own. I've wanted a baby too, just wanted MY baby.. I know the timing is completly off, and that we need the time to work on us before a baby is ever thought about, but there's no changing the fact that in 6 months, my wife will go into labor and have her child. What should we do now?

JB:

I'm glad 2 see you back! You are in a good position 2 get some real recovery going here. I admire your desire 2 raise the baby as your own. That's a very tough decision 2 make.

I think the first thing you should do is set up a counseling appointment with one of the Harleys. I'm dead serious. Get a plan for recovery firmly in place. Get some form of NC agreement with your W regarding the OM. But also, get some Harley and legal advice as 2 whether 2 seek some CS from the OM for the baby. He must know she's pg, right? What does he want 2 do about it?

When you feel like you can, tell us what happened that ended the A.

But call the Harleys right away!
♥ 2 both you and your W!
-ol' 2long

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Ya' beat me to it, 2long.

Call Marriage Builders right now and set up an appointment!

What ended her A?

The fog lifted. Beginning of June, she began to see OM for what he really was.. Controlling, overbearing. OM expected WW to change everything to meet his preferences.. The way she dressed, spoke, acted, recreation. It was his way or no way. She also saw him as self-centered.

Another biggie was our trip. In June of 2002, me and my wife went on a cross country trip, hitting both coasts, 26 states, and 5 weeks of the most memorable vacation ever. The anniversary of that trip had her remembering a lot of good times we had together, constantly asking herself "What was it we were doing a year ago today?" and looking at the pictures from our trip (I made sure to give her a few when I dropped off her mail). Then, when she started remembering our good times together, she started to miss me. She says she began dreaming about me, nightly. It had her missing me so much, she could hardly sleep at night because of the dreams. She kept thinking about me thru the day, crying while at work, she missed me so badly. Until finally she told her mom she was pregnant and wanted to go home. Her mom just said "He's your husband.. Talk to him and I know he'll welcome you back"..

Well, she did.. And now.. She's home!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, most of you are probably going to think of me as a fool for doing this, and I figure my parents will agree when they find out (they know she's home, they don't know she's pregnant)....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should we think that? We may question your WW's sincerity in wanting to rebuild the M if its just talk and no action (MB counseling and following the MB principles for a succesful marriage) BUT it is YOUR right to decide what you want to do with your life and your marriage.

Please follow 2Long's advice ASAP.

I know it's my decision. But I also know I'm going to face a lot of ridicule from family and friends over the choice. Taking another mans' baby as my own is hard... something I never thought I would be able to agree to. But I truly love my W and want to make this marriage. And I really do believe she's sincere in wanting this to work out too.

JohnnyB-

I want to commend you for being who you are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it's my decision. But I also know I'm going to face a lot of ridicule from family and friends over the choice. Taking another mans' baby as my own is hard... something I never thought I would be able to agree to. But I truly love my W and want to make this marriage. And I really do believe she's sincere in wanting this to work out too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may be OM's biologically, but based on what you've written here, I see that it is your child spiritually. That, my friend, is the bottom line.

As far as the family members go, it doesn't matter what they say or think. What matters is what makes you happy and your Wife happy. Stand firm in that, and they will support you 100%. Most of them know how much recovery meant to you and will be supportive anyway....

Your wife is luckier than she realizes right now. IF she doesn't know that, read butterfly emerging's post.

Welcome to recovery...

JohnnyB,

As an old guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , I don't want to throw water on your parade, BUT...

I sit here reading your story and I am so torn. ON the one hand I am a sucker for a happy ending, and I admire your willingness to accept this situation. On the other hand, I worry that this reconcilliation (sp) is a matter of convenience and that the OM wasn't going to raise this child. So you got the job.

I hate it when I think like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I concur with everyone else counseling is a must. I think part of developing your plan for recovery is for to you learn a lot more about your W's thinking. You are a very young man and your W is very young, not to mention very emotionally immature. Before you accept full responsibiliy for this child think, talk, and consult with counselors and for sure a lawyer about your responsibilities.

JohnnyB, in my opinion you must be absolutely RUTHLESS with yourself,your W, and your situation before you agree to take on this challenge. What I mean by RUTHLESS, is question everything, every feeling, every assumption, every statement you make, or your W makes. Get as much advice as you can from professionals. Why? Because you are going to get ONLY ONE chance to make the decision that is right for you, your W, and the baby.

Now is the time to seriouly question everything, discuss everything, and think about everything. Explain this to your W. Although I know you want her back in the worst way, and you think you want this baby, having a baby changes marriages in huge ways. Since you and your W have not really discussed what is going to happen after the baby comes, you need to now.

I can tell you for a fact, that women's focus in life changes when a baby comes. She will focus on the baby and NOT you. So if you expect her to help you heal from this you MIGHT be mistaken. All of this needs to be thought about and discussed.

It is my deepest desire that you, your W, and her baby end up together and happy, but my friend having children under the best of circumstances strain marriages, and yours is NOT on firm ground.

Please take this opportunity to really really look at yourself, your W, and your situations critically, and deeply. You are going to need to know many things and you don't know them now.

God Bless You,

JL

JohnnyB.

If you decide to take on the responsibility of being the OC's father, it will be like adopting a child. An adopted child IS as much a child of his/her adoptive parents as their biological child.

The worst thing you and your W can do to the OC is if the two of you decide to sweep the A under the rug, and a few years later your M ends because of this. A divorce will be heartbreaking for you but more so for the OC because s/he will have formed the emotional bond that a child forms to his/her parent. The way to avoid this tragic scenario is for you and your W to get serious NOW, and follow thru with counseling and a marital plan of recovery that follows MB principles enbodied in Dr Harley's The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. The best gift you can give to ANY child is a happy marriage.

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

JB,

This is great! I dont want to add to what everything that has been said because it is great advice. But I did want you to understand something about this child.

I met my wife after she had delivered her oldest son. He was three months old when I met her, and nine months old when we married. HE IS MY SON! Okay, we have two other children together that are biologically ours. But my oldest is no different from the rest. Family knows our situation...and even some close friends. But no one else does. My wife's genes must really be strong because he looks a lot like his brother and sister. And the way we treat him...most people could not even tell that he is not my biological son.

Once we were married, we discussed what to do about his bio father. So far, the bio father had not been involved...my wife had not even put him on the birth certificate. So, she contacted him and asked him what his intentions were. He had already met someone and was recently married also. And they were expecting a child. He and his wife came to the decision that he just wasnt going to be capable of being in my oldest son's life like he should (we live in VA, they live in KS). He had never met our oldest. So, we told him that he had two choices. That he would be put on the birth certificate and would have to begin to pay child support...and then we would welcome negotiations on his seeing and visiting our son. Or, he could sign away his rights, let me adopt our oldest and my name be put on the birth certificate...and him pay nothing. He chose the second one. My son's last name was changed to mine and I was entered as the father on the birth certificate.

It has worked out wonderfully! Our oldest only knows me as Dad...and no one will ever take that away from us. I even catch myself from time to time saying stupid things like "I think he is getting my ears" or "his success in baseball must be in his genes" (I was a very good baseball player). Of course, it is impossible for him to have my ears. But that isnt the point. He is MY son in every way that is important. I am his Dad. Someday, he will learn the truth and make the decision about whether he wants to visit his bio father. But until then, we are giving him the same normal life we are giving to our other two children.

He is almost eleven now. He still doesnt know. Except for a close inner circle, no one else knows either. Not because we are ashamed. But because we dont want him to have any different a life than his brother and sister. Sure he has a half-sister with his bio father that he is missing out on. But he is also missing out on bouncing back and forth...and never feeling fully apart of either family.

Go for it PB. While I initially had questions about my ability to raise another man's child as my own (and so did some around me), I can tell you...he is MY son. And it is the BEST thing I have ever done.

I know it will be harder because this child will be a product of adultery. But just like you and your wife having to get past this, you will also get past that. So try to set this up right. find out what OM wants to do about his parental rights. either he is in, financially and emotionally, or he is out. He needs to understand that it is in the best interest of the child, since he doesnt know him yet, to either have a father that is involved, or for him to leave him alone so he can grow up in a normal environment. Either way, you can and still will be Dad...the guy who is there everyday. and he will miss out on EVERYTHING!

Thanks for the words of confidence, Mortarman. I TRULY appreciate hearing your story, and I do feel the confidence that I will love this child as my own, and that it's origin will not be an issue.

My Wife and I are very very VERY set on making this work out. She's given full commitment to go to counseling, church, and anything else that would help us.

For the comments made that "This may happen again", I sincerly don't think so. Before this, we had a wonderful relationship, where we were both very happy with eachother. The whole mess started from a fight about "When are we going to have a baby?" She wanted it now, I wanted to wait.. This let to more fighting.. more unhappiness.. then to her walking out. Other than the "when to have a baby" issue, we've NEVER had any real fight or problem with eachother. Now that this will NEVER be an issue again, I see no reason for us to be unhappy again. That is, AFTER we've processed and worked thru this Affair. We are both still verry much in love and committed to making our marriage work. I'm confident that we will, I just want to make sure we're hitting all the right steps. Counseling, Church, and lots of EN's!

Before this, we had a wonderful relationship, where we were both very happy with eachother.
Obviously, this is not correct.

Other than the "when to have a baby" issue, we've NEVER had any real fight or problem with eachother.
So the affair, her moving out, her getting pregnant have not been problems?

Johnny,

Do you detect a bit of concern in Chris' post? I hope so. Normal people who disagree don't move out, have an affair, and conceive a child. There are other issues here, and they are deep. I know you are young and with your youth comes boundless optimism.

I think it is great and I am envious, but Johnny step back and look closely. What is she going to do the next time you two disagree on something as fundamental as having a child?

Next you need to consider why you were reluctant to start a family. Was it money? Was it a need to know each other longer? Was it uncertainty on your part? Whatever it was, it hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is you have no choice if you take your W back.

I am NOT trying to get you to leave her. I am trying as is Chris to get you to take a long, hare, realistic look at the situation.

I see red flags in what you post. I sense that your W hasn't really appreciated what she has done. I fear she feels that no matter what she does, she can come running home to you, and you will accept her and her actions. All of this may be true, but it comes at a cost to you. That cost can lead to resentment and the end of your marriage.

Please do as you say, seek counseling, spiritual guidance, and the help of your W. BUT, do so with a very open set of eyes.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Next you need to consider why you were reluctant to start a family. Was it money? Was it a need to know each other longer? Was it uncertainty on your part? Whatever it was, it hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is you have no choice if you take your W back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nononono... My reluctance was from discomfort w/ my job at the time (worried that it may not work out just yet, had only been working here for 2 months at the time) and being uncomfortable with how we would afford it financially. That was my only real holdups, which I've overcome since then. Next month marks 1 year with the company, I've had 2 raises and am up for another near my Anniversary date. In my eyes, it was all about financial security, and I'm quite over that.

Yes, I know that the affair IS a problem, as is the baby, and pretty much everything from the last 6 months. But we have something rite now that we didn't have 6 months ago. We're both willing to admit there's a problem and we're both willing to work on it. We both want recovery and we both want our marriage to come first. I know the baby will cause some priority shifting, but together, I know we can make it thru.

JohnnyB

Keep your emotional guard up until you see a consistent and positive trend in your W's behavior. If she starts shirking on her committment to go to follow thru with an MB oriented marital plan of recovery, it MAY be a sign that she is losing her desire to rebuild the M. Don't rely on wishful thinking on your part and make a note of any going back to her old selfish ways, so that you can keep an eye out for further erosion of committment on her part. I tell you this so that you are aware that a false recovery is very much a possibility until she demonstrates a consistent pattern thru words and deeds that she is not the same person she was before and during her A. All of this advice I'm giving you is not just for your own wellbeing but for the inocent OC's as well.

A cousin of mine had an A with someone when she became bored in her marriage. She became pregnant...but she and her husband decided to work it out and he happily agreed to raise the child as his own. And he did...until she left him anyway when the child was already 3 years old. See, they never really FIXED anything...they just made up and moved on. He thought everything was fine...she was still in secret contact with the OM. She went on to marry him...that's been about 12 years ago or so...and she's been seeing an ex flame from high school for about the last 4 of those years and making plans to leave her current husband for this new/old love.

The hardest part of the path she's chosen to continue on is what it's done to the children. The two she had with her original husband, and the one she took with her when she ran back to the OM 3 years after the baby was born.

I just STRONGLY urge you to take the more difficult and painful path of intense counseling and work...and not the 'forgive and forget' route. I do believe it CAN work...but for the sake of EVERYONE it's worth the extra effort to make as solid of a new union as possible. Marriage IS NOT and WILL NEVER BE easy and a walk in the park. The circumstances that led her to stray in the first place WILL come around again. She needs to TRULY understand that and gain new skills to deal with those times.

Good luck to you all!!!

JohnnyB:

I'm concerned because you haven't come back. How are you and your W doing? Did you make an appointment with a counselor???

You CAN do this, but it will be a rough journey.

Please take care,
-2long

Sorry 2long, didn't mean to scare!

The W and I are doing fabulously! It's like we're newlyweds again. We spend an hour or two per nite talking about how we feel, being completly open and honest about it. "I love you babydoll" and "I'm so glad I came back" are both said many times thru the day. We've gone into some very specific discussions about her relationship w/ OM (and my relationship while she was away). We've gone shopping a few times for Maternity clothes, browsed over the baby name books together, and are currently looking for a larger place to accomidate the coming baby.

We're going to church together, and she started coming to the gym with me. Overall, I have to say things are going wonderfully!

JB:

That's great!

Have you thought about inviting her 2 post here herself? There's so much 2 healing, I hope that you go 2 as many sources and as often as you both want 2 get what you need 2 help you truly heal.

Okay?
-2long

JB,

No mention that you guys are in counseling. Are you? Don't skip it man. Get a REAL recovery going here or you will be toast and back here singing the blues in 6-12 months. Wake up and get real about this. I know you are enjoying the momentary high, but use it to get some real work started.

Good luck to you,
Conan