Things have been going well, we had a really nice 'date' on saturday. The weekends are great. Monday is tuff, she says she is always tempted. She seems very down on Mondays.

We have been going to the gym almost every night and have been dieting together.

Things are better and better everyday.

I still have a question though.

When my wife and I met with the OM's Wife his wife asked about physical contact. My wife said they got close to sex but didn't. When asked how close she said too close.

After we left that day I asked for details but she did not want to tell me. It still pops into my head now and then. I wonder what they did. Things are going so well I am scared to ask. Any suggestions on what I should do?

anyone have any suggestions?

Hi GTG, you can't force her to tell you this, but she certainly needs to answer your questions honestly. You and the OMW have the right to know the details. Your marriage will not recover until she answers these questions and no longer has secrets with the OM that she won't share with you.

That is the least she can do to faciliate your recovery. To withhold facts is almost as bad as the affair itself. She needs to understand that you have a right to know this information and to withhold it is cruel.

She is willing to tell me but do I want to know?

GTG, don't ask me! Ask YOURSELF!! Just her willingness to answer means EVERYTHING!! Now just ask yourself what you really do want to know.

Kind of silly isn't it. A part of me wants to know but a large part of me is scared to know. I think at this point I am not ready to hear details. I probably will be one day but things maybe to fragile at this point. Thanks for all your advice MelodyLady. Every word helps.

May God bless you and your marriage.

GTG, I think you are very wise to consider which information you really want to hear. Sometimes the pain from the mental images is not worth it. On the other hand, what you don't know, you will probably imagine the WORST.

This is an area that is entirely up to the BS, some might want EVERY detail and others none, you know what you can handle better than anyone.

Am very glad it is going so much better for you, GTG! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Minor set back.

The OM's wife came by my desk today to tell me that the OM emailed her to tell her that my Wife stopped by his desk and asked how he was doing. The conversation was short.

It hurts me that she would do this. She has told me that she has to go into his office to help other people that sit in there with things but avoinds contact with him. When I finally asked her about this incedent she said he waived so she asked how he was doing. She doesn't understand how something so small could hurt me so much. It makes me feel like i am not important enough to her for her to not talk to him period.

GTG, I hate to say it, but this is a way of life with those who do not end contact COMPLETELY. You will go back to D-Day every time this happens and she will go back to day 1 of withdrawal every time she sees him. Its about like giving a recovering alcoholic a "little drink" every once in a while. [it leads to a binge eventually] You can't have it both ways. Harley doesn't believe recovery is even POSSIBLE without no contact. Nor will there be any recovery if she refuses to abide by the Rules of Protection:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3902_rules.html

The importance of No Contact:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Entire article at:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

The truth hurts!
Last night my wife told me that she wanted to e honest with me. She asked if I agreed with what our counselor said. That some things are better left unsaid. I told her that if not saying something makes you feel like you are deceiving someone then you should say it. She told me that the EA had been a PA even before I knew about the EA. When I asked how many times it happened she said she didn't know.

I feel like God started to fix my marriage because I had gotten closer to him but then I backed off so now things are getting screwed up again. I told my wife that we need to get right with God and then he will fix our marriage. She agreed. I just hope that she wants to fix it and isn't just with me because it is the 'right' thing to do.

How long does it take for the images of THEM in your mind to go away? That is the hard part.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Give it,

My lovely wife also came clean about the PA portion of her affair. It happened while we were separated but that doesn't mean it hurt any less.

This didn't happen because your not as close to God as you were two weeks ago. It had already taken place and your wife chose not to tell you. She told you because you wanted honesty.

The images are tough to get over but they will fade. There is nothing you can really do to speed up the process but dwelling on them will certainly slow it down. I would see a black Maxima (OM's car) and within .05 seconds I had thoughts of them together. They come with out warning just try and dismiss them if you can.

Have you noticed the closer we draw to God that is when crap like this pops up. You are fighting for your marriage and Satan doesn't want that. Don't get discouraged.

God Bless

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Thanks for your reply D_Rose. It helps to get encouragement. I know in my heart that I haven't been seeking God as I should and I have asked for his forgiveness for this. A friend of mine who goes to our church gave me this message. I am sharing it with you because I truly think it is a message for everyone who is having these problems.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Rest in my arms for comfort, seek me and you will find that my loving arms will hold you and keep you. I am there to wipe away each tear, I am there in these times of despair, seek me and you will find me. Seek me and you will find joy. Because joy comes in the morning, praise me and seek me....for I love you and I will not allow more than you can bear to come upon you. Rest assured that your children will be safe, rest assured that I will always be here. Keep your focus on me, in the face of the devil, shout praises, and call out my name. Shout in his face what a good God I am. Shout in his face that you will not be defeated by all his tactics. Let him know that YOU WILL NOT BE DEFEATED, but you will BE VICTORIOUS in the end. Then rest assured that I will do a miracle in you. Rest assured that in my time, I will do a miracle in your marriage... But in my time.....Seek me.....focus on me... love me....sayeth the Lord....

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God has promised to perform a miracle in my marriage, I just need to seek him and be patient.

My wife says she loves me and wants our marriage to work. She just says she doesn't feel motivated to do the things that I need to feel wanted. She has never been very physically affectionate (kisses, little touches, that sort of thing) and I long for those little assurances from her more now then before. She says she feels like she has to force it and doesn't feel like it should be that way.

Once again thank you for your response, I hope I have said something that can encourage you.