I have read Harley, have 3 of his books on my desk right now...trying to work an Alanon program, but I can't detach from both my S2BX and the OW he has moved in with. I am obsessed with the possibility that he and this woman will marry when our divorce is final, as he has seemed to be pushing her into our son's life since he moved into her house 6 mos. ago. She has now been an agitant in my life for about 5 years, since H started affair with her. He revealed it, moved out in 7/99, had his bachelor pad for 3 years while leading me on yet still seeing her on the sly until he filed for divorce last Dec and moved in with her in January. We have an 11 year old son, and H has liberal (too liberal!) visitation, and always includes OW in their activities. I just had a 7 day span of "vacation," meaning H had no visitation with our son - it was heaven! But yesterday and today he has started emailing me about silly arrangements, and just having that much contact drives me crazy, wondering what is going to happen, how I can end all of this! I refuse to acknowledge he and this OW are "soulmates," and keep wondering how long it will last - is the "2 year clock" ticking starting when they moved in together? Will they marry and divorce? It is never off my mind. I dream of him having a heart attack and letting my son and I move and start our life over.
Besides my son, I have no other life, and want no other life. I tell myself I will turn my life over to God and what he wants of me, but my heart still asks why I was never meant to have a happy family life. It is all I ever wanted, all I still want, besides the best for my son. Jobs, travel, money, what are all those if the man you pledged your life to share is living with another woman? I don't believe in breaking my vows, even if D goes through, so another man, another relationship is out of the question. Due to custody, I cannot legally change this situation, move and start over somewhere with him and her in the background.
I am so lost as to how to escape from this, I hate seeing him so "happy" with her!
I know I'm a mess, but have so little motivation to try to change...so my son will someday say, "Good for you, Mom?" Is that "all" I have to look toward?
Sorry for the pity and rambling. I don't know where to turn today. Will this ever end?
Linda

Linda - my heart goes out to you! I am in a very similiar situation. Not as long term as yours but my WH left on March 7, 2003 and moved in with OW on March 9, 2003. He swears that nothing was going on before and that he didn't move in til March 23, 2003. My thought is "Yeah right"! I know different. Anyway in the past four months he has declared his love for her and OW bought a house for them to live in. OW is just out of long term relationship also. Logic tells me that this will not last - but emotions keep me wondering.

I do not know if they will get married or not - I do know that if you begin to focus on yourself and your son and creating a better home and environment for the two of you - it will become easier.

If there is not a formal visitation set up I would make it formal and on your terms. Until the divorce is final you have every right to do this. If he gives you any greif over it - tell him that you will see him in court - that you are only looking out for your son and that the whole situation is not healthy and is very confusing for your son.

When and if it gets to the actual divorce - suggest to the judge that counseling for your son would be beneficial and that supervised visitation for a period of time would also be good until a liscensed therapist says that it would be appropriate for your son to be around WH's new found lifestyle.

I don't know your situation but it sounds alot like mine and I will not let my daughter around the other woman for a time frame of 1 year. Partly because I don't feel it will last that long but also because I don't want her in a bad situation - she is only 15 months and can't tell me when she is not comfortable. I was also told by my counselor that it is not a good situation to have her in at her age.

Anyway - I don't know if he will marry her or not! He seems to have had this long term affair and couldn't decide which he wanted. Now he thinks he has and has chosen OW thinking it will be better - but as Harley's books say he is definately in the fog. A good dose of reality may not be far away. The fact that he is now living with OW - may be a good thing in that he will see that she is not all she has made herself out to be. Be patient. Do a little Plan Aing and see where that takes you - set a time limit and then do a Plan B.

Good luck! I truely wish you the best. But look out for yourself and your son first. You owe nothing to WH right now.

"I do know that if you begin to focus on yourself and your son and creating a better home and environment for the two of you - it will become easier."

This is a very good point. You've got to take the focus away from your WH and start putting all that energy towards rebuilding your life. Good luck to you, you can do it!

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

The title of your thread is ...

"Will they marry? Can't detatch."

The title would be more accurate if written....

"Will they marry? Won't detatch.(yet)"

If you say "I can't", you're not giving yourself permission or admitting you have the power to change yourself. If you say "I won't (yet)", you acknowledge the posibility for future growth, change, and enlightenment within yourself.

Why not admit that you are in charge of your own attitude?

You are powerless over anything your WH and OW feel for each other, but you do have power over how you react and respond. Grab your power.

You do have power to try and change the visitation schedule.

"Besides my son, I have no other life." ..... THAT is too much pressure for a boy of 11 years old to carry. He needs to develop his life eventually. You are a separate person, and you need to develop your own life as well.

I think, if you develop interests that you can enjoy with your 11-year-old .... then you could both benifit. How about joining scouting together? You could be a den mother! Or, how about joining a hiking club (or skiing, or snorkling, or tennis ... it doesn;t matter)

You CAN detach ... it is a process. You take baby steps every day in your chosen direction. You don't take ONE GIANT STEP and find yourself suddenly free from the stress of all this.

Make up your mind to do a little healing activity every single day. Include your son.

Get outdoors and do things. Have fun together. Push yourself to stay busy with things that bring the 2 of you (mother and son) together in healthy ways that benifit you both.

Pep