2long.

Please don't worry about me! I love my life now.

pb:

"I am very fortunate to have discovered my ex-wife's affair."

This sounds odd 2 me. I "discovered" my W's affair, 2. I guess I would have 2 consider myself more for2nate than if I never found out, but I would have rather she had told me herself.

"She decided the marriage wasn't "HER THING" after putting me through hell for 7 months."

7 months???? What's 7 months!? Try YEARS. Many people here have dealt with multi-year As, or multi-year recoveries. The point isn't 2 "win" over the WS. The point is 2 LEARN from the experience. Nobody wins in a DV.

"To this day, she admits it was the STUPIDEST thing she has ever done.. You know what.......SHE WAS RIGHT!"

I believe she was right, 2. But has she changed her atti2de about M since she had this realization? And would it have made a difference 2 you? I'm not trying 2 tell you what 2 do. Just trying 2 alert you that you might be carrying a lot more baggage in2 this new relationship than you would be willing 2 admit.

-2long

Pepper..

She wanted the divorce after I discovered the affair. She didn't want to work on our marriage. She told me that I did nothing to cause this situation. Looking back, I just don't think she liked being married.

Since we had no children, we divided up the assets and cut our losses. No lawyers etc. Thank God!

2 long..

My ex-wife and my previous relationship will not be brought into this relationship. After 2 1/2 years of personal recovery and 1 1/2 years of dating my new fiance, I know I am ready at this point.

pb:

I accept what you're saying. However, the wording suggests 2 me that you missed my meaning. Of course you won't be bringing your old relationship with your xW in2 this marriage.

What's important is what you've learned about your contribution 2 the downfall of the previous marriage that will help prevent the same thing happening again. It's the emotional baggage, not a bag containing a freeze-dried version of your xW, that we worry you might be bringing in2 the new relationship unwittingly.

♥2long

2 Long..

I didn't do anything that contributed to my divorce. My ex just didn't want to be married period. She even told me this after I paid off her car and student loans! Nice timing huh! *smile*

pb:

You'd be surprised at how many WSs will say "I never wanted 2 be married." Mine did as recently as a few weeks ago, may do so again.

And while you don't THINK you did anything 2 contribute 2 your DV, you may have by not FIGHTING it. At least by her perception.

Again, this is not 2 try 2 restore your M, just 2 make sure you have all your waterfoul coaxial for the next one.

best,
-2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And while you don't THINK you did anything 2 contribute 2 your DV, you may have by not FIGHTING it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But...in some states (such as mine), a spouse is not actually allowed to "fight" a DV.

Technically, here where I live, spouses do not grant each other a DV. The STATE has the sole power for that.

You can't "fight" if you are not allowed in the battle. Here, in a no-fault state, ESPECIALLY with NO children, all one spouse has to do is file the dissolution, swear under oath that the marriage is "irretrievably broken", and - voila! - marriage over.

To top that off, the 60 day period starts from the last instance of SF. As an example, the XW moved out on 04/27. She could have had the DV final as of 06/27, even though she didn't file the paperwork until 06/04. So...in essence...should could have had a final DV just 23 days after her filing.

It only takes ONE party to be granted a DV here, and the other one's hands are tied. If one "fights" a DV here, you will end up "shadow-boxing".

Oh...and you may think that the property cannot be settled that fast? Doesn't matter. Bifurcation (separation of actual DV and property division) happens frequently. There are many cases that happen here in which 2 people are DV'ed, and YEARS later are still haggling over the division of the marital property.

Family court here moves pretty quickly. Not at all uncommon to be on the docket just days after filing.

So...I was in the same situation as PB. XW was adamant about getting the DV, and there was not one thing I could do about it. Other than responding that I felt the marriage could be saved, but all she had to do was reiterate that SHE felt it couldn't.

All that bought me was 2 extra weeks until she got that hearing on the docket.

The only reason that mine took 4 months was because I agreed to settle the division out of court, and hence no need for her to push the bifurcation, and an extra hearing. I actually bought MORE time by agreeing to settle. If I had not went that route, she had already filed for the bifurcation, and at THAT hearing, the DV would have been IMMEDIATE! The property would have been settled later.

So...sometimes you have to realize that it takes at least 2 to have a fight.

There ARE some places in the US where you are legally restricted from "fighting" for your marriage.

HCII

Wondrme. Congratulations, Wish every MM was thinking like you do. There would be a lot less pain in this world.

PB, I understand exactly. On another board they keep saying why am I there if we're recovered. Well my H and I are recovered! I go to see if I can give anything to help others.
A's ruin people lives for sure. No matter how long it's been, some of us just never can quite move totally from it. The memories remain for life. Some of the pain and wondering remains also.
Some of us keep seeking some type of answer. But I believe what Dr. Phil says. You can't make sense out of nonsense!
And yes, those who do cheat are truly stupid! And they assume spouse is also I suppose to think they can get away with it.
There is a big difference between intellect and stupidity and no A is ever gone into by smart people!
Somewhere there is a brain drain and real stupidity can exist even in Geniuses!
Off the subject, but I've met many a well educated person who has no common sense at all!
Can hardly fight their way out of a paper bag!
Give me commone sense and morals any day of the week and keep the degrees!
LouLou

People,

Look, here's the thing:

I guess *I* started the flames, by intoning that maybe Bryan was less than "ready" to move on b/c all his threads (over 600!!! and ALL with the same theme) seem to include a tone of bitterness, anger, and constatnt questioning of "HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO US?!?!?!"

I sure didn't mean to start such a firestorm of controversy (well, maybe just a little!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but I stand behind my feelings.......as does PB, obviously.

*I* still think he's a bitter, angry, self-righteous ("I didn't do anything to deserve this") xH, while he still thinks he did nothing to contribute to the failure of his M, and his x-WIFE was and continues to be a first-class B****!!!

I'm sorry if you disagree, but I believe this site is dedicated to helping people entering into infidelity from ANY angle (be it WS, BS or OP). While PB has the right to be here, and post here, I still maintain it isn't productive to him or to the others he posts to for him to continue to carry his pain around, like some sort of BADGE OF HONOR he's earned, and spout out about how EVIL WS's are!

They are in pain, too. We see it on many of the posts. They need to know they can come here as a safe place, too! But they can't if he finds their posts and pounds them about "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR S????"

It's gratifying to see BS's come here in pain, and grow past this. It helps all of us to see people make sense out of a senseless time in life.

But then every once in awhile, along comes someone who seems stuck in their pain and anger. I see PB as one of those type of people. My main point to PB then, (and in the future) will continue to be: "Bryan, please - get better.....GET HELP if you need to - but either way, move on.

If she wasn't worth it, fine. She's STILL not worth it. Please, just heal, and move on."

Plenty of people here are trying to help. Please listen to them, Bryan.

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Lupolady..

I want to make myself clear and let everyone know that this post was NOT an attempt to make people feel sorry for me or to anger anyone about this topic. I have long forgotten my ex-wife and the way my life was being with her. I have moved on to a very positive and inspiring time in my life with a great girl who has strong morals and values that help to provide a strong foundation for our relationship.

In my previous marriage I was very supportive emotionally, financially etc. I tried my absolute best in meeting her needs. She wanted the divorce, I wanted to work on the marriage, but she never talked about issues she was having and certainly didn't want to get outside help. To this day, her parents have no idea why our marriage ended because she didn't want them to know.

My point is not to dwell on past issues, but to understand why people ruin themselves and their families by engaging in selfish behavior like this.

Might wanna change your signature. It says your divorce was final on June 20, but you say it was final in September.

Your signature is;
DDAY 2/16/01
Divorce Final: 6/20/01

done..

Thanks Chris!

hcii:

What I meant by "fighting" wasn't fighting, ac2ally. I meant stalling.

"So...I was in the same situation as PB. XW was adamant about getting the DV, and there was not one thing I could do about it. Other than responding that I felt the marriage could be saved, but all she had to do was reiterate that SHE felt it couldn't.
All that bought me was 2 extra weeks until she got that hearing on the docket."

and it sent her the message that you believed it could be saved. You 2k your chances and s2d by your integrity. You did nothing wrong, hcii. You are 2 be admired for your efforts. They were the "right things" for you 2 do at the time.

regards,
-2long

ladylou:

"Some of us keep seeking some type of answer. But I believe what Dr. Phil says. You can't make sense out of nonsense!"

This is absolutely correct. And those of us who have wasted time and emotional calories trying 2 find answers as 2 "why?", versus growing spiri2ally, know firsthand just how useless it is 2 try 2 make sense out of nonsense.

"And yes, those who do cheat are truly stupid! And they assume spouse is also I suppose to think they can get away with it."

I'm not sure I agree with this entirely. Yes, the behavior - the sneaking around, the lying, the thoughtlessness - all that is s2pid behavior. But as you'll find from reading any A-related books, all kinds of intelligent people do s2pid things.

"There is a big difference between intellect and stupidity and no A is ever gone into by smart people!"

Which is where I disagree.

"Somewhere there is a brain drain and real stupidity can exist even in Geniuses!"

But I do agree with this!

"Off the subject, but I've met many a well educated person who has no common sense at all!
Can hardly fight their way out of a paper bag!"

I find this commonly, 2. The important thing 2 remember is that most of what makes someone "knowlegable" is their particular vocational or academic focus, and this focus is seldom in areas dealing with human interactions on a personal level. So, it was 2uite possible for my W and RM, who met in grad school, 2 make the s2pid decision 2 have an A when they're otherwise well educated.

"Give me commone sense and morals any day of the week and keep the degrees!"

I'll keep my PhD and encourage my W 2 keep her MS, because they're going 2 continue 2 be useful 2 us in our lives and chosen careers. Do they help us overcome her A? Not at all. That's not their purpose. What we both need 2 overcome our past mistakes is on this forum, in the books, and with the best counselors we've seen. Ultimately, it's entirely within ourselves, though. These other sources are just intended 2 help us tap that source.

best,
-2long

2ble post

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

"I didn't do anything that contributed to my divorce" Really?

"I have long forgotten my ex-wife and the way my life was being with her." Hmmm, how did you manage to do this?

PB, I think you're smart enough to know that, as the others have mentioned, the opinions shared here are meant to help you move on with your life in a productive way. With that in mind, it'd be interesting to hear a more in-depth answer of why you think your XW had the A. She didn't want to be married anymore? Why not? What was it about marriage that was holding her back? Why did her views of marriage change?

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Litchfield..

My ex told me that I did nothing in our relationship to cause her to stray and I believe her. She had plenty of opportunities to come to me and tell me if she was upset in our marriage. She never did. I remember asking her from time to time if anything was bothering her, nothing was said there.

My ex is one person who committed adultery, lied about it directly to me and after I asked the question a 3rd time, she admitted to the affair. She never wanted to get help, didn't care enough about me to help me recover from this mind blowing news and continued to live her own fantasy lifestyle of spending money with her friends in bar, clubs etc. and not thinking twice about the financial hole this left me in.

One word...SELFISH!

My life is awesome now and I love it.

If she would have wanted to keep the relationship together, she would have allowed me to meet her emotional needs and be more supportive overall..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My ex told me that I did nothing in our relationship to cause her to stray and I believe her. She had plenty of opportunities to come to me and tell me if she was upset in our marriage. She never did. I remember asking her from time to time if anything was bothering her, nothing was said there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PB; almost without exception every WS here has said this or very similar things, and almost without exception they also all had plenty of opportunities to tell us what was bothering them.

Likewise, without a single exception that I can think of, upon further investigation the first statement is absolutely NOT true, and the second is merely a reflection of fear, uncertainty, doubt, or a dead giveaway for the A, so they don't do it.
Draw your own conclusions.

Spacecase..

I my ex refused to tell me the truth or did tell me the truth in this situation, I cannot be 100 percent sure. I don't have mystical powers to determine that if she is not willing to be honest with me. It was her loss and she realized that a long time ago. In other words, I would have been a total mess if I would have continued to stay to try to make our marriage work with no help on her end.