ISGirl, that's absolutely wonderful. Thanks for letting us know how things are going. I'm sending prayers and other high-energy thoughts in your direction!

Just couldn't let this thread die, so...an update.
I have been in PlanB for four months now. I still love WW but my patience is starting to fade. WW has been in PA with OM for over a year now and out of our house for nine months. I do not believe that she is ever coming home, not because of the A but because she no longer wants to be married. WW has told DDs that she is not interested in being married, or married again. If this A ends, WW will most likely begin another and has said so. She is happy living in her own apartment, working at a job she loves making good money, and seeing OM on occassion and is not concerned that he is married. She apparently does not expect OM to Dv soon, if ever, and is OK with that. He spends his big money on her, takes her on vacations, and she is not ashamed to be seen in public with another woman's husband. OM has begun introducing her to his friends, and she is planning on taking him to her company's Christmas party. WW is married, OM is married, and neither cares.
I don't want this post to be a negative, but this seems to be the way things are. She enjoys this life. As much as I would like to believe in the MB recovery principles and their ability to bring a WS home I am beginning to think that there comes a time when, whether the LB is empty or not, the BS has to accept the facts. But I refuse to file for Dv or dissolution. If my M is going to end WW will have to do the dirty work herself. In the meantime, I will continue to PlanB unless someone has a better idea.

23Down,

How are YOU doing? What are you doing for yourself? How do you spend your days? What's good about them, what would you like to change? Are you happy? Are you sad? How's work? How're the kids? In other words, tell me about everything BESIDES your WW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let's all continue in Plan B. It is supposed to work. For me nothing has happened that is encouraging to my marriage. But I do feel a lot better and am starting to view the whole marriage differently. It is good to get off the rollercoaster. I can imagine life without WH now and am happy most of the time.

J, I get your point. Thanks for the poke with the 2x4.
I did a fine PlanA and I'm doing a solid PlanB. And I'm feeling pretty good about it. I am working out seriously 3-4 times a week and I'm starting to look cut. Work is going well. Refinanced and closed on the house last month. I go to IC once a week, take my DDs to FC every other. They are doing super and we are closer than ever. Older DD is home from college for the holidays now; she made the Dean's List again for the forth quarter in row. Got all the Christmas lights up outside and DDs and I are going to get our tree tonight and decorate inside our home. Life is good.
Except my WW is still shamelessly screwing another woman's husband. Not good.

All righto, 23! I'm really glad to hear about how well you're doing. You sound great, and I'm so glad to hear that your daughters are doing better. Oh, and while it might've felt like a 2x4, it wasn't intended to be. I really wanted to know how you were doing!

I know exactly how you feel about your wife. You have, and I have, exactly NO control over what they do, though. So... I'm really glad to hear that God's granted you the courage to change the things you can. Really, really glad.

Plan B is good for me. I don't think too much about H living with OW. Sometimes I even forgive him. Living alone is getting to be enjoyable. I watch what I want on TV, read when I want to, cook when I feel like it, etc. Luckily I have a good job which keeps me busy. I'm thankful for Plan B for giving me some peace in my life.

Believer's got it! This is the peace that Plan B brings, when you finally get emotionally removed from the source of the pain.

Then, if your WS does come back and want to work on recovery, your decision to do it or not is not clouded by the pain and emotional swings.

And, if you need to move on, look at the strength that is built already. You have equity there to fall back on.

You go, believer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

*S*

Thanks Sparkle. Another thing I like about Plan B is that is gives some "me" time, but it is not as drastic as getting a D. At first I was lost about what to do. Now everyday is busy, with friends, neighbors, my grown boys. And more of my time is spent doing what I want to do, instead of how it used to be - doing things that H wanted to do. It's a whole new concept, and was hard to get used to at first. Hope everyone else is getting into the swing of it.

^^a bump^^

For GoodWife 92

For all others who need support in Plan B.

This was a good thread...let's keep it going.

HELP
Should I be in plan B?
My WH's OGirl is in Europe - he is here.
His contact with her is via phone only.
However I know he is begging her to return

It doesn't matter - it is what is in his heart that counts - and I don't think that is me.

GW,

I don't like the fact that there is still contact between them. Harleys and others say: "When the WS cannot choose between the M and the affair partner, it is time for Plan B."

If your H won't agree to no contact and send her a n/c letter, then I personally think it is time for you to isolate yourself and protect yourself through Plan B.

It doesn't matter whether the A partner is in the same town or thousands of miles away. As long as they continue contact - of any type - the A is not over. Phone contact, letters, emails, all such contact keeps the "relationship" alive. It keeps him from devoting his energies to you and your M. How can he be 100% invested in your marriage when he is talking to the woman he has had an affair with? Can't happen.

So, in my opinion, yes, you should definitely be in Plan B. You should give him a Plan B letter. You can post it here, or start a new thread asking for the "vets" to give you their opinions on the wording. But it is important that it be in writing, because in it you will spell out what is required for him to be with you again - mainly n/c with the OW.

I know I need to be in plan B for me. The less I see and know about my W the better, at least that was how I felt the last time being in plan B. I've been messing up with my plan B alot lately, well, kinda messing up. I haven't actually talked with or seen WW, but I have left messages on her cell phone...

I live in Alaska and the weather has been terrible here for the last couple of weeks. My WW works from 1pm to 11pm and she has to drive about 50 miles to her work. I drive basically the same route, but I work from 7am to 4pm. Anyway, I know she keeps her cell phone off most of the time but she has voicemail. When the roads and weather are bad, I've been leaving messages on her voicemail warning her about it and telling her to leave early to get to work on time. I also tell her I worry. I haven't actually talked to her since she moved back out and I feel pretty good about that. I probably shouldn't leave messages for her, but I do worry and I don't think I'm doing harm in doing so. If any of you out there feel this is not a good idea, please let me know and let me know the reason. I know, I'm enabling her by continuously contacting her and meeting some of those needs the OM should be fulfilling. But, what if he isn't filling these needs and she sees that I care more than he does, is this wrong? I don't know...

LWH,
I'm sorry you are in this position. But i think that Plan B means no contact at all. From what I understand - your messages are probably filling the need she has from you (kind, considerate, etc..) Plan B - I think is so that they realize who they miss most and realize the grass was not greener. The needs you used to fill are not being filled because your WW lacks the communication skills to tell you or anyone else what her needs are. Plan B is so hard, I miss my WH so very much - mornings and late nights are the worst - but I have been on this site quite a bit and have received a good deal of support
Good luck

Hello everyone, I spent last night reading all 19 pages.
Question for you. Plan B is about N/C with the WS and not letting them sit on the fence. My WH never sat on the fence. Three days after he met the OW he was moved in with her. He has been working out of town the last 5 years in the name of "work". Anyways, he is quite happy to have N/C with me. So how does this work for me? It looks like he made his choice fairly quickly and looks like no hope for our marriage. This is his second affair the first one dumped him. When I look back over the last 5 years he has wanted out of this marriage for a long time. He waited till he found someone else but in the mean time led me along that things were fine. So is Plan B going to help or not??

Cheryl

Holy Mackeral, Cheryl!

Reading all 19 pages...you're a stronger, better person than I!

OK...Plan B is not to help HIM. It is to help you. It is your time to insulate, to isolate yourself from him and the pain that living with the affair brings. Use this time to strengthen and to better yourself...weight loss, exercise, dietary improvements, reading, starting a new hobby, joining a new group or club. It's all about YOU.

Plan B enables to you be the best you can be. So that your future - with or without your H - will be rich!

Be strong, Cheryl. There are tons of people here to help you and support you.

Been angry lately and kinda losing hope. I've maintained no contact for about 2 weeks now this time. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now. I should be feeling better and moving forward but I feel I'm moving backwards in my growth. My feelings have become sorta bitter toward my WW. Before now I was wanting to forgive and love her, now I feel like I deserve better, that she should suffer and feel the pain I've been through. I want her to start to bad about all this and hope the guilt is eating her alive!!! I have this feeling that I want her to try to come back and that I can just tell her, 'No way, live with the consequences of your actions?' I want her to fall to the lowest point in her life. I want her to know the worst pains and feelings I've felt. I want her to feel the lonliness I've felt. I just want to be able to tell her 'NO' to whatever just so I can feel in control for 2 minutes of my life!

I know this is a huge vent and I shouldn't feel this way, but that's what I'm feeling right now. I almost can't stand the thought of W. She makes me want to puke! I hope this is a natural feeling and it fades quickly, because I don't like myself for feeling this way. I pray alot and still feel this way. Is there something wrong with me?........

Hi LWH,

Of course there's nothing wrong with the way you feel.I have felt the same recently too.Complete disgust at what my WH did and continues to put me through.One day I can't stand him the next I wish I had my "old" H back,the one that I loved and loved me.

Plan B is really difficult but it helps us to see the WS as they really are and then we react to that.Anger,resentment,hurt,pain,disgust,anxiety,etc are all natural responses to this huge trauma we have had to endure.You are right in that we do deserve better than the treatment we got so that is why you feel that way.It may be that we get that better treatment from another or God willing from our remorseful WS.

I have also been angry lately and losing hope as well but I know it's not from being in Plan B,it is because my WH still continues his A.If I were to switch gears and try Plan A again,I KNOW that my WH would hop back on that fence and prolong this mess even further.Mr Cake eater.

Right now I can tell that the Plan B is pushing him into making a decision sooner than he would have liked.Things with me are very difficult but he knows what he needs to do in order for us to reconcile.I have set my boundaries and he has tried many times to break them by trying to contact me and when he can't he gets frustrated.But what keeps me in this Plan B is remembering what WH is doing NOW to me.Nothing has changed so I cannot change my mind on where I stand.To do so would give in again,let him in and every time I have done that,he has caused me more pain not hope.

Some days I just want to go to sleep and not wake up but I have to keep going for my daughters.

Hang in there.

O

Hang in there everyone. I'm finally back in Plan B after a month long roller-coaster ride. It was hard to get myself to do it, but is the only way. Any sign of letting down boundaries causes WS to feel like everything is okay and they can go back to their cake-eating.

October girl - You saved me from letting WH back into the house. Thankyou. Thankyou. Let's all help each other through this. We know Plan B works, let's stick to it.

Kinda angry at myself. The lonliness and frustration made me do something I should not have done. I started looking at personal ads and was thinking about posting an ad. I was in the middle of building a profile when my D came home and saw me. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't finish the the profile and I feel terrible that I even tried. Not to mention that I just set a horrible example for my D.

Got to thinking about my W and my marriage vows. I promised to be faithful through good and bad. Well this is bad and I need to refocus on those vows. No matter what happens, I am still married and I did make those vows. So, no matter how angry I get, how lonely I become, no matter how justified I feel, I have to remember I made a commitment, a vow to my wife to be faithful through anything life throws my way. If I can get through the worst, I know I can have a better marriage because of it...

My life is really pretty good. I wish I could feel the way I know I am. I mean, I have 2 awesome Ds, I have a great house, 3 nice cars, a good job, some good friends and coworkers. I can do what I want, when I want, without having to ask anyone for permission. Why can't I feel really good about life? The only thing missing is my W, which in the last couple of years hasn't been there emotionally for me anyway.(I wasn't there for her either, and I guess that's why we're in the position we're in now)

So, I've got what I need and want. How do I keep from thinking of her. I stay busy, do things that need to be done, but she is in my thoughts 60 percent of the time, 30 percent is spent sleeping and she is occasionally in my dreams! So, about 10 percent of the day I stay focused enough on whatever I'm doing to not think of her. Is this natural? When we were together, I didn't have a problem with this. In fact, I rarely thought about her. Maybe that's what my problem is! My thought patterns were wrong all these years! I don't know.......

My Ds went and ate dinner at their mom's Thursday. Of course I asked how dinner was and my oldest said it was good. She said her mom made chicken fried steak. Now, for about 16 years, my W has cooked chicken fried steak maybe 10 times. Whenever we would go out and eat I often ordered chicken fried steak, so my W and Ds knew I liked it. Yet, W never made it and when she did it never really turned out good. Not to mention, my kids never really liked it. Ok, so my D tells me my W thought about sending me over a plate, then decided it wouldn't be a good idea. This is the first time, that I know of, that W has actually thought about doing something 'nice' for me. Even though she didn't follow through. I may be taking this 'waaaay' too far, but this 'little' kindness gesture has given me a teeeeny glimmer of hope!!! Am I crazy or is there something to this?

Anyway, its Saturday. I need to get going and do some house cleaning. Its a mess. I've been lazy all week. Wish I could get my kids to take on some small amount of responsibility!!! Anyway, just trying to keep this thread going. I'm still maintaining my plan B......