brief synopis of my story

Well thanks are out of hand really now. My H told me yesterday that he has been unhappy (AGAIN) for a long time, and will be leaving (AGAIN) in the next couple of days. This is why I felt so unsure about a reconciliation with him because I had a feeling this was going to happen. Honestly I do not believe that he is speaking with OW, nor do I believe another A has started, I think he has just given up. He says he has doesn't have it in him to continue to be in the marriage. He says we've been married 8 yrs and it has just "died out" for him. I know he means it. He tells me that I have a nasty attitude and we haven't had relations for 2 months. I guess it's nothing I can do or may even try to do. I told him that we've only been "trying" for 3 months, that it takes time. He is adamant about not having ANYTHING more to give. Even though a part of me felt like I was also tired of trying, I never displayed this to him, nor was I talkin of leaving. I was trying to hang in there. So now what?

*****BUMPING FOR ADVICE*****

Just in my experience sounds to me like there is OW. My ex told me the same thing and "Wala" I discovered he was seeing OW#2. I too believed him that he was just unhappy and needed space what a bunch of *$%%^.

I think you have done all you can do to this point and need to move forward. Give him the plan B letter and start working on yourself and what makes you happy.

Jill

I mean you're right, there is a BIG possibility that there is OW, however I don't think he gets to see her much, it may be EA as of right now. He doesn't really go anywhere too much, and he has no problem accounting for his time. I don't know. Can it be because I have been LB'G big time for the last couple of months. I have done NO PLAN A at all, partly because of the bitterness from the A. I'm not blaming myself, I just know that I am partially to blame. It hurts because I am going to miss him again, but I know I will NOT agonize this time.

Look at what you wrote:

" Even though a part of me felt like I was also tired of trying, I never displayed this to him, nor was I talkin of leaving. I was trying to hang in there."

Why did you attempt to hide your true feelings? You realize, your true feelings will always be available through non-verbal communication .... which your husband is then free to interpret either correctly or incorrectly.

I really think a serious and honest CALM discussion about your fears, your doubts and your wanting to hang in there even though it is tough .... would be productive.

Attempting to hide behind silence ..... or pretending to feel something you don't ..... is not good for recovery.

The communication breakdown in your marriage cannot be repaired if you are each waiting for the other to open up and be honest.

Could one of the reasons he feels so "dead" be that YOU aren't really "there"? ... "I never displayed this to him" ...... this is dishonest communication .... and I'll bet you 1000 donuts .... this is something you learned to do as a child .... you learned it was safer to keep those difficult emotions "stuffed away" cuz speaking up got you in trouble.

A little girl hides and keeps herself quiet during trouble .... a woman does not do this. A woman speaks up.

When discussing important issues with your husband .... anything that makes you uncomfortable enough to stay quiet ..... check yourself. STOP right where you are and check if you are speaking with a child's voice.

We each have 3 voices.

Adult ..... the one who reasons. The good decision maker. The one who is brave. The one who listens openly.

Child .... the playful one. The frightened one. The naughty one. The one who giggles.

Parent.... the one who teaches. The one who punishes. The one who caretakes. The one who points her finger and scolds.

All of us move in and out of these positions.

The cool thing is this .... you are free to choose which "voice" you use under different circumstances.

If you've been childlike and hiding ... you can choose to be adult and open .... without going to the parent voice.

I hope this helped. (I am speaking through my "parent" voice, which I often do on MB. This often pisses people off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

hey pep ~ I'm having one of those Odd (God) moments. You said just what I needed to read this morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BR

I've had so many Odd moments reading YOUR posts .... some reciprocity is over due. I think I owe you 99 more! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pep

Doesn't sound like you've really wanted to recover. Trying to recover with LB's is like filling up a bathtub with the drain open. Your Love Banks are so drained that you were BOTH running in the red.

OK, not fair, he cheated, and YOU have to place nice? But that's your Taker talking. "What's in it for me?" "What do I deserve?"

But if you truly want him back you have to show him how wonderful a M can be with you. That means you make it the kind of M you want...and begin with you, how would you be different.

He saw no difference in the M (if anything it was worse) and the fantasy of the OW was looking pretty good (just like it was the first time).

Now what? Decide if you want him back, and if you're willing to do the work.

I think a GOOD SOLID Plan A is needed, but are you able. Sure you're able, but do you want to? Only you can answer that...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>....We each have 3 voices.

Adult ..... the one who reasons. The good decision maker. The one who is brave. The one who listens openly.

Child .... the playful one. The frightened one. The naughty one. The one who giggles.

Parent.... the one who teaches. The one who punishes. The one who caretakes. The one who points her finger and scolds.

All of us move in and out of these positions.

The cool thing is this .... you are free to choose which "voice" you use under different circumstances.

If you've been childlike and hiding ... you can choose to be adult and open .... without going to the parent voice.

I hope this helped. (I am speaking through my "parent" voice, which I often do on MB. This often pisses people off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep,

Good point. I would like to add that all 3 voices can show love. What kind, the impact and result will vary due to being in different positions (Child vs Parent vs Spouse). Each of our spouses are someone's child or parent. But they have 1 spouse. Hm...... when either party (H or W) tries to get their spouse to pick up the other voices, actions and reactions, this can give mixed signals. Create confusion and frustration.

Add this mixture to the already confused WS and wha la' a diaster waiting to happen. Like minitature land mines planted in our homes/marriages without our knowledge, trip up our lives. Often taking the BS and family by surprise. Again adding greater chaos.

Endless vicious cycle now creating gloom and doom for the family. How to end this cycle? I think knowledge is the door and wisdom is the key.

Luv, IMHO you need to let him know your strengths and fears. That you love him but your fears are getting the better of you and is making the ability for you to love him as a W very hard. I let mine know this. Then I let him figure out how to handle it. I did not try to 'fix it' for him. Did not try to 'teach' him. I knew he would struggle and I needed patience. I had to step back, work on me and be able to restore trust back into myself. I learned not to carry more pain and suffering than my limits. I learned that my limits were not endless. I let him know that also.

Hugz,
L.

Thank you all for your insight. I know in my heart I do not want to be the W I was before, and the W I was before would AUTOMATICALLY accuse and assume there was OW.

Pep
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could one of the reasons he feels so "dead" be that YOU aren't really "there"? ... "I never displayed this to him" ...... this is dishonest communication .... and I'll bet you 1000 donuts .... this is something you learned to do as a child .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly what I was thinking about this morning. How he was probably reading my body language and my "crabbiness" and realizing, uugghhh "I do NOT want to be here." Yes, you are 100% right, this is something I learned to do as a child, ESP being an ONLY child.

I never wanted to "make waves" because I wanted to be accepted, not by my parents, but just by my peers. You're right and I realize I need to speak up more with my ADULT voice. That advice was perfect, you hit the nail on the head. Also, what if he's tired of talking, he is NOT much of a communicator, won't that be an LB..he doesn't like that so much. Oh, and I LOVE your parent voice, that is exactly what I needed.

Stillhere

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He saw no difference in the M (if anything it was worse) and the fantasy of the OW was looking pretty good (just like it was the first time). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, you also hit the nail on the head. You are right, therefore he's feeling miserable. AGAIN. I had a brief talk with him last night, and he expressed that he was angry because he made a suggestion the other day about the way I was driving and I screamed at him and told him to SHUT UP. I admit I have been LB'ing like crazy, but I have began Plan A since yesterday. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Any pointers??

Orchid

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Luv, IMHO you need to let him know your strengths and fears. That you love him but your fears are getting the better of you and is making the ability for you to love him as a W very hard. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I REALLY don't understand why I've been trying to appear to be so STRONG. Maybe because he once told me (during the A) that he likes when I'm strong, that he doesn't like when I'm crying. Therefore I don't feel so safe being needy and I really don't know how to handle it. Should I show weakness?, should I show strength?, what will turn him off. I'm somewhat afraid I guess, being "childlike."

LH

<small>[ September 06, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: luvhazeleyes ]</small>

There were some very good points written here. I totally agree that the BS needs to really plan A.
You need to plan A for yourself more than anything. You need to know that you did your best to save your marriage. Love Busting and turning him away certainly will drive him away.

Why have you been treating him this way?? Have you really looked at this?

To make this marriage work you need to build trust together again. Do you feel he trusts you enough with his innermost thoughts??

Before you do the plan B letter try plan A.

Jill

Which YOU was it .... when you told him "shut up"?

Parent?

Adult?

Child?

Isn't it great to have an alternative "you" that doesn't have to say "shut up"..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Which YOU was it .... when you told him "shut up"? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was that parent talking, and just like a child would he went into a shell and I guess he's rebelling. I like the idea of the alternative me, I'm working on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, H and I spoke today. We reviewed MB together, which is a big step for him. He is adamant about NO COUNSELING and about being unhappy in the M. He says that it's more than just my LB'ing that brought him to this decision. (whatever that means) I explained to him that we have overcame many hurdles, why is this one any different. He is not budging on his decision. Then tonight he is creating a webpage with he and my picture, a picture we both love, and it says (H and luvhazeleyes). I am SOO confused. I told him that although I haven't told him since reconciliation that I love him, I do. He told me that we've tried so many times, and it always goes back to the same ole' ways. Just venting!!! UGGHH

Thank you

Suggestions for Plan A...

For me it wasn't so much a matter of what to do...I knew what I needed to do, it was how to do it, consistently, with few to no slip-ups. Next to impossible.

One thing that helped is my doctor put me on anti-depressants (she had to when I came in for a routine exam and couldn't stop crying 3 days after D-day). That helped even out my moods. I found it easier to control my temper.

But that wasn't enough. I had to be Calm, calm, CAAAALLLLLLMmmmm. How to do that when I wasn't able to do that before? I started to review why I got so mad before...mostly because I was hurt, because I perceived everything as him rejecting me. Because I felt unlovable. Was that his problem? No, but I could share it with him.
And then I decided I was going to exact my revenge on him in a very selfish (albeit helpful) manner. For days after D-day (before I found this site) I decided to give up. He was going to move out and I had given up. But before he left (it would take a week or two) I decided I would use him to cry on. So 10-20 times a day I would stop him, hug him, cry if I had to, and ask questions. I thought I was torturing him, but it was helping me, and helping him too. He saw how hurt I was, and I was allowing myself to feel hurt instead of masking it with anger.

So getting mad because he criticized your driving...what was that about? Explore that...when have you heard it before...why don't you think you're a good driver...and what would happen if you just admitted some of your weaknesses ("I know I'm not the best, do you want to drive next time"?)

Hi Stillwell,

Reading your post was amazing to me, you described MY feelings down to a t.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How to do that when I wasn't able to do that before? I started to review why I got so mad before...mostly because I was hurt, because I perceived everything as him rejecting me. Because I felt unlovable.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I know this is why I am sometimes "crabby" when I'm around him, or snap at him when he says things to me. I am hurt, and have not begun to let it go. I have to learn how to let it go. I always feel unloved and rejected, and you're right it's within myself because it will be during times when he is trying his hardest. If I go to touch him and he slightly moves, I perceive this as rejection and will be extremely upset afterwards. I know it sounds a bit immature, but hey I'm being honest.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So getting mad because he criticized your driving...what was that about? Explore that...when have you heard it before...why don't you think you're a good driver...and what would happen if you just admitted some of your weaknesses ("I know I'm not the best, do you want to drive next time"?) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I believe this goes back to feeling unloved and rejected. When he did this it made me feel as if he doesn't think I do ANYTHING right. In my head I feel as if he is comparing me to OW so I immediately snapped. He has also told me that I never want to admit when I am wrong, so you are right when questioning my admission of weaknesses. I reread your post several times and it was/is very helpful to me.

Thank you,
LHE

double post sorry

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: luvhazeleyes ]</small>

Update:

I am STILL in Plan A, trying so VERY hard. I am even learning how to not let my usual triggers get the best of me, and LB (as I would normally do). I wrote my husband a letter last night, telling him I love him and am committed to making our marriage work. I don't have the letter so I will try to remember the basis of what I wrote. I also told him that I realize I have contributed to our problems in the marriage and making an effort to become a better person.

I think he needed to hear this simply because I have been such a b**ch since reconciliation and LBing like crazy. I told him that he could write back to me and this is what HIS letter said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm gonna keep this short, I still feel like we used all of our chances trying to make this work, so I still feel the way I do. One thing I can say is that you calmed down with the nagging and pressing me when I go out. All of that is cool and I appreciate you giving me some trust. So with all that said I'm going to go to counseling, and I'm not saying that counseling is going to change my mind-so don't get mad if it doesn't. However, you can make a date for it. Not to sound harsh but I'm not promising nothing, but I will go. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry but I am somewhat disappointed that he still has the desire to leave because he is unhappy. I cannot translate what this means.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: luvhazeleyes ]</small>

****BUMPING FOR FEEDBACK****