I have met a man through my sister who is married and having problems with his wife. So far, my R with him has been purely friendly. Not even flirting or anything like that. I know he is attracted to me, and I am attracted to him and he knows that too. But we both know that the other person is working on saving our marriages. And we both have said that if things don't work out, we would like to take our friendship to another level.

I am having varying emotions about this. While I love my H very much, he has not shown me that he thinks I am worth fighting for. His continued A in light of my revelation of reconciliation to him proves that.

I think about both men now. I feel excitement over the possibility of a new R with the OM. But I feel guilt for betraying my H. (Ironic) I question my devotion to restoration of my M now. Almost if works great, if it doesn't, fine...I know I will find happiness again.

I am confused. And I am not rushing into anything. I am totally leaving this in God's hands and will go where he leads me.

I just needed to voice my feelings here.

Hi deeplyhurting - God will never lead you into an A. It goes against his "advice!" (I think of the 10 Commandments as not just laws, but as really good advice about how to protect ourselves from disaster!)

I'm writing about your sitch with the voice of experience. I know it's hard to read tone in a post, so I want to tell you I feel respect and compassion for you.

My exOM and I were both having M problems before the A. I learned THE HARD WAY: Decide what you want to do about your M BEFORE beginning an R with a different man!

If you're going to work on your M, work on your M. If you're going to get divorced, get divorced.

If you start an A first, working on the M will be impossible. Even if you get separated and start an A, if you then decide to work on the M, it will be much more difficult and painful - hurt H, withdrawal, etc.

I know your H already had an A, but "two wrongs don't make a right." Also, when you commit adultery, you sin against God with your own body! You hurt yourself as much as you hurt everyone else. (Again, voice of experience speaking.)

An A might seem like a good place to run for attention and excitement, but let me tell you, it is a FANTASY FIX. It will only add to your problems, not solve any!

If you and OM really care about each other - LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE UNTIL YOU DECIDE WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGES!

God bless!

P.S. One of my biggest regrets is that I gave myself this same advice before my A, but I didn't listen.

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

You know that post is going to buy you lots of mb 2x4 whacks, dontcha? lol

I am a BS. I know precisely how s_____y it feels to be, first stomped on with the revelation of the A, and then for your recovery attempts to go unnoticed. I know how it feels to greatly resent your spouse who will not work through recovery with you as a process and you're constantly feeling like you're carrying the post-A baggage. It feels like hell. Your self confidence, self esteem, etc go down the drain. It's emotionally draining and damaging (sometimes permanently).

As I started this post, my husband was in the room, but walked out because, once again, he cannot face the music. We've had a few deep conversations, but none of them have ever been very productive.

I do know, though, that as a general rule, it is unsafe for anyone whose marriage is on the rocks (and sometimes even not then), that befriending someone of the opposite sex is dangerous territory.

You may have honest feelings for this man. Just as your WH did for the OW. You may feel justified at this point if you did become involed with him. But would you respect yourself for involving yourself with him while you're still half working on your own marriage? Would you respect yourself or be able to forgive yourself for involving yourself in the OM's struggling marriage? Could you stand knowing in the future that you are known as "the OW"? And do you feel that if you chose to have an A with this man, to fill an EN of yours (because that's basically what he is -- filler for you -- as all people are to one another, truly), that you are making the right decision?

Do you think my husband made the right decision when he chose to sleep with that other girl THREE times, even though he had a wife, albeit imperfect, at home? Do you think it would've been a wiser choice for him to come to me with his problems or to have asked for a divorce or seperation, before having an A (and risking our lives by not using a condom, and hurting me tremendously)?

Keep asking yourself questions. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you do not want your husband anymore, fine, give him the boot. If you cannot forgive him or if you cannot take the lack of cooperation on his part, get rid of him. There is divorce for a reason. If you want that man, don't do it at the sacrafice of other people. His wife may not be perfect, she may have screwed up, screwed around, WHATEVER, but he is HERS. He made a VOW to her. He is legally hers.

Don't be the OW. Don't stoop to that level. It's a dispicable and disrespectful place to be and you will forever have that little label somewhere inside you.

Also, you're incrediably vunerable emotionally right now. Recognize that for what it is. You've got giant emotional gaps from all of this. At this point, he's easily able to fill them because of this. Use your brain to recognize it.

Please please please consider this. Being the OP or WS is not a title carried proudly. It's a shame.

Good luck to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme

Any mutant dwarf hunchback with bleeding sores would appeal to a hurting BS...if he said the right things, like..."how are you?",and "does it look like rain?" So imagine if it were an avarage Joe that smiled and showed interest in you.

What have you got?...nothing special in either of them. Leave it at that till you need neither of them to make you feel special.

Yes, this is convincing...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he has not shown me that he thinks I am worth fighting for. His continued A in light of my revelation of reconciliation to him proves that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But you'll never feel that strenght from being autonomous and truly self comforting, if you </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">think about both men now </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">, they are not on equal footing, one is your husband and is unfinished business, the other is risky business...I am tempted to say "mind your own business", if you can take it to mean...take care of yourself, sweetheart!

DH,
Do yourself a favor and get a divorce before pursuing any other relationship.

And then DON'T pick a married man.

This is how affairs start.

girl, you don't need a 2x4, you need to be horsewhipped! Why in the world would you even consider doing to another women what has been done to you?

You are BOTH MARRIED people and neither are available for a relationship. If you pursue this relationship, you are just as guilty as your H; an affair is an affair.

Not only are you not legally and morally available for another relationship, but you are not emotionally available. You have not even begun to recover from the trauma of your marriage and are a walking wound that will fall for anything that shows any kindness to you. It is a recipe for DISASTER.