My H does not yet feel comfortable talking to or seeing my family after what he has done. It has to happen at some point. I don't want to go to birthday's and holiday's without my FWH. Any suggestions on this topic. H says he would almost rather eat a bullet than face my parents. I think that was just a way of putting how difficult it will be for him.

Now for me. I am having a problem. My H works as a cop in the town the OW lives. He wants me to move into his new home that is outside of town where I would not have to see anyone if I did nto want to. There is NC with OW unless he is called there on official business. He has told me when ever there has been contact right after it happens. When it does happen either OWH is there or my H takes back up. They (H and OW) were very open about their A in town. They now have mutual friends. He is going golfing with the guys this weekend. (I assume they are mutual friends I don't know that for sure I guess) I am uncomfortable with this. When I see people other cops in the area stop by his house and I am there ect.... I feel like a fool, ashamed and embarrassed. Part of me wants to hide actually I do hide till H tells me to come out and chat. I won't go into his town hall because I don't want to see his mayor and the secretaries. How do I get past this. I knew the mayor prior to all of this but many of the people are people I did nto know or barely knew. How do I get past that other than just doing it. Any suggestions.

Things are going better between us. I was having a bad day yesterday and crying when he came over to the house and he actually made the attempt to come hug and hold me. That has been the first time he has made the first move on affection. He even innitiated relations last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We spent the night at eachothers houses all last weekend. We stayed seperate over the weekend and then last night he asked me to stay at his house. I told him I did not want to move all of my stuff for a little bit I just wanted to try to live together again at some point when he was ready and if that went well I would move. He has not yet asked me to move in (we have discussed it at his request) Now the problem is his land lord does not want the dog there and she is not a dog she is our kid. lol.... I don't know if we could ever get rid of her... So I think that maybe what is holding up the process of him asking me to move in with him. Still much work to go. At least that really awkward time is done where it seems stressed just to come up with conversation with eachother...

Tami

<small>[ September 22, 2003, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Tami ]</small>

tami...
what a nice post...good for you and your husband...

keep those communication lines way open...

Talk to your husband about your parents feelings over seeing there daughter hurt....and that he needs to respect that they had/have those feelings...

As well as discussing with your parents your appreciation of their support and love but what you expect from them as well as the two of you rebuild...

Consider the first encounters being in a public restaurant...and go from there....

there is nothing for you to feel ashamed of or embarassed about...I would als discuss this with your husband...and that he needs to be a leader in assisting you feeling comfortable in town..etc..

Are you guys in counselling together...it's a really necessary part in my opinion...

tami...this is a really a great post....
blessings to you both...
ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tami:
<strong>My H does not yet feel comfortable talking to or seeing my family after what he has done. It has to happen at some point. I don't want to go to birthday's and holiday's without my FWH. Any suggestions on this topic. H says he would almost rather eat a bullet than face my parents. I think that was just a way of putting how difficult it will be for him.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tami, its won't be easy, but he has to face it. Its not fair to you to avoid your family just because he doesn't want to face the music. It might make things easier for him if he broke the ice and spoke to your parents privately and apologized to them for causing such pain. It would go a long way if he reassured them that he now has their daughter's best interest at heart.

Remind him that he didn't just hurt you, but hurt the people who love you. He owes them an apology too.

My H knows he needs to talk to my parents. He is just putting it off because he is scared I think. I told him he has nothing to fear. That there will be no screaming or physical harm. I have talked to my parents. Mom and dad have never been the type to scream. In fact growing up it was irritating. They talked calmly and rationally. That is the same thing that will happen here.

I have told my husband my feelings about seeing people. He says there is no reason for me to feel this way but they are my feelings and if I am feeling that way there is nothing anyone can do to change it. The people at his new church are asking him when he is going to bring his wife with him. I am going to try to go but it is going to be extremely difficult. I can't explain these feelings I have I know it is silly but that is how I feel.

We are not in counseling right now. I am working on getting him to agree to go. (I think I am getting closer each day) Somedays I feel as if we are on a frozen pond and you never know when that thin ice is coming. So I feel I have to tread so carefully. I am afraid of pushing more guilt on him at times that he will break down again. I need to just say what I am feeling when I am feeling it. Mostly I communicate my feelings to him in letters. I need to tell him and that is the only way sometimes I seem I can.

We went out on a date last night. It was nice.
I am just trying to keep my patience with the situation. I really want that invite to move back in with him. I am tired of living away from the man I love. Not to mention the financial strain from having 2 households and I am unemployed.

It shall be an interesting ride if nothing else! WEEEEEEE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess I am on it (hopefully for life with my H)

Tami

Well I just wrote my FWH a letter explaining the most unhurtful way I can what my feelings are. Why I have been quite at times. I told him I need to communicate these feelings. That I was afraid to tell him the things going on in me that it would cause more problems and for him to feel worse in turn hurting our recovery. I told him that "Only through the pain of us being open with each other through this will we heal" I wrote that I know he is sorry for all he has done but maybe it is time to say please forgive me instead. That he needs to say those things even to himself. I told him that his not forgiving himself is making our recovery harder.

I told him I was uncomfortable with the people in the town he cops in. I finally figured out exactly how I feel.. I think.. I think in this town I feel like we are reveresed and I feel like the OW and My H and the actual OW are the true couple. And that I realize in my heart that it is a very irrational and silly feeling but it is how I feel. I told him that was something I was going to have to get past but it would require his support and understanding.

I told him I liked his new house but made a list of thing there that I felt possibly had something to do with memento's of their relationship. I told him those things deeply upset me everytime I see them. One letter of apology to OWH called her the most wonderful person in the world... I told him that hurt me very much and I still think about it. (He still has the rough draft of these letters at his house.) ( He wrote the NC letter before he and I were talking after my Plan B (I did not know it was called a plan B at the time I did it I just could not let him be hurtful to me anymore) I did not know about the affair till after it happened. I admitted I found a card from OW and in anger ripped it up... don't know if that is bad or good? I probably should not have told him that I don't know how he could have loved this woman who was cheating on her H who was very sick at this time... But it is how I feel!

I told him that these feelings are inside of me and it was difficult to tell him and for the most part I had been keeping them to myself as to not upset him further (but that is wrong and I am not being open and honest)

I told him that he asks me to be patient with him but he does not realize how hard it is for me. (and that is my fault for not being open) I told him I did not want these feeling to affect what we are working on now. I don't want it to set us back an further... I told him the affection and intimacy we have had is not what I am talking about needing patience with that I did those things freely and without regret.

I told him that I still think about things when at his house... did they go purchase these dishes together ect... adn it bothers me. I told him that I was having trouble with all of the lies he had told me that past few months. I told him that he had mentioned that they had not had an PA till he moved out but I was very clear with him that we were married in my mind and in the laws of our state till divorced and even if he fell in love with someone I expected him to respect me enough not to have sex with them till he and I were divorced or at least filed. And he knew how I would feel if he f****d someone else. (OK that was probably a LB)

I told him that it upset me that he was upset that he thought he had lost me a year ago and now has lost her and he could not lose anyone again. (I pointed out that he had never lost me) I told him in reality she was not his to loss and he was not hers to have. That you both had people that you for lack of a better word "belonged" to. It had nothing to do with leaving either of them it had to do with reality that they could not longer run from life and their problems. The perfect fantasy of the affair was gone. I told him he has never lost me and still has not. I have been here for 12 years with my love and have cared for him.. faithful and committed to our lives. I told him he may be falling back in love with me and he may love me but in June he shattered my whole being when he left and it hurt and is still hurting. That I felt abandoned after 12 years of devotion to him. That he was going to have to be patient with me. It is going to take a while for me to be secure that he does feel love for me. That I need that shown and said often. That he may not be ready or able to tell me those things because I am not sure where he is.

I continued to tell him not to mistake this letter. I still want to be his wife and I want to continue to work on us. That he just needs to know how I am feeling. I am not doing this to hurt him. I don't want it to set us back further. That now all of my doing I am resenting the fact that he does not know how I am feeling and we don't need anymore problems... So I have to come clean.

I told him I love him very much and that I think I am now in love with him again. That I want to hold him and kiss him ect.....

I told him I still need him to get HIV test ect. and I did not know why he seemed to be putting it off. And that he needs to talk to my family. And what they would need to hear from him as long as he is truthful about it. I told him I wanted him to be able to attend holiday's and birthdays and with out that I don't know if we can fix all of this. We need their support (and they are willing to give it).

I told him that we do need to see a counselor down the road even if it is just a pastor. I don't know $$$ wise how able we are right now. 1st thing is catching up on house payments. I told him I had purchased several books (sa, hnhn, lb) and that would like him to read them or let me read them to him (he is a slow reader) Then I told him of another book I got with a nice idea on intimacy I think would be fun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Then I asked him not to be upset by this letter and told him I loved him always. the end.

Anyone see any changes I need to make. Say a prayer that he does not punish us further due to this letter. Please please please!!!

Tami

I read my letter to my H. I even toned down the area's I thought we LB's. He did not say a word during my cry fest as I read it. I am huring very bad right now and feel as if it is all up in the air. He said he did not know what to say. I told him the one thing I needed right now was for him to say it was ok and he understood and I needed him to comfort me and hold me. He said it was no all ok but he understood. I stood there with my head on his chest and he stood with his hands at his side. I needed that hug so bad. He said if he left I would be hurt and upset and if he stayed he did not know what to do. He left and said he would call later. I have not heard from him yet. I finally opened up to him and I feel as if I have been punished. I am so scared. H left and I went to sleep. He left at 1pm and I just woke up now it is 4:30pm. I just feel broken down. I need him to call and say something anything. Sorry I just need to vent support something... I don't know.
Tami

Hang in there. Sometimes they need to hash things out on their own and swallow the emotions that you are going through and needed to let him to know.

I have done the same thing and it turned out that my husband just needed the time to swallow all the pain and sufferring that he had caused me and he came back wanting to be reassured that I still wanted him back.

If he can ever forgive himself for all the things that he had done, then it will be that much easier for both of you to recover.

My WH just broke up with OW about three weeks ago and we are trying to work things out. I know for a fact that he did break-up with her because she had the nerve to meet with me twice trying to convince me to leave them alone and not take him away from her and that they love each other very much.

I told her that it was not up to me, and that to consider that he could genuinely be having second thoughts about leaving his family.

After they broke up, we did not quite know how to approach each other and did not communicate with each other for a whole day. (Understand that we constantly and can't seem to leave each other alone prior to this). It hurt me and I was the one who broke the silence. Since then we have had many conversations about how I feel about what he has done and it was just this past Saturday that he finally said his apologies and how he really admires me for what and how I handled things. How much he loves me and that he does not quite know where to begin. How to tell our children that he wants to move back in and the fear of the recovery now working for the long term.

He says he wants to try. A lot of things are on my mind now. What if we do love each other and that maybe our lifestyle and personality are just not compatible with our needs. Recognizing each others needs that maybe we find out that it does not work after all....Maany thoughts, many second thoughts....My WH was out of the house for over a year and yes it is financially draining us but I can't just jump into it without thinking about what if it does not work. I really don't want to put the kids, the family and myself into the big painful process of separating again.

Good Luck...let me know if he calls...or just to talk..

I called H today. I had some info we had been wondering about a drug bust in the area and I had found out the details. I told him. We basically talked about what was going on. Not that it was very clear. He said he was confused. I told him that I did not understand why the things I had told him had shocked him so much and I could not see why my feelings had to change anyting between us. (crying the whole time I talked of course.) He said he was just afraid to say or do the wrong thing. He said it hurt him to know he was the cause of my pain. I told him I am hurting now too after opening up to him and trusting him with my feelings. I said I needed him to support me and comfort me yesterday and he did not do that and it hurt further. I asked if he wanted our marriage and me. He said some days he does some days he does not. I was crying and he said we needed to discuss this another time and then said he could not hurt me like this any more. I am so afraid he is going to tell me to leave him alone and say I want a divorce. I have let all my walls of defense down with him and have been working very hard to fix my part of the relationsip and he has been making steps in that way too. I am really regretting telling him my feelings. I know it was something I had to do but I feel like I can not trust him to tell him my feelings now. I feel like he has punished me for being honest. I need him to be a friend for me right now! and a husband 2nd. right now I need to know "we" are ok. I suppose I should now wait for him to contact me but it is killing me.
I know patience.... I am trying and pray for help in that department everyday. Some days I need the 2x4 and some days I need it for my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . (atleast I can still joke through out this) See what a wonderful woman I am.. I can cry and laugh at the same time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tami

Tami, after reading the SAA i realized its perfectly normal to be confused on both sides. When I brought it up to WS he agreed one day he feels like he wants to work it out and the next he doesn't. I feel the same way, it says its normal. And I too sometimes feel like I pour my heart out to him and he gives me the look, like I'm sorry Iwish I could care but I can't. The other day I told him after reading SAA that I finally realized he didn't love me, I had thought the love was hidden and would come out again. He said "I told you I don't love you anymore". If only they knew how much that hurts. Why can't they remember the good times, but then I realize if they did the pain would be unbearable for them. Just keep saying what you need to say. When you feel love tell him when your angry tell him.

Tami, it seems to me like you need to be in Plan B. When your spouse is on the fence, as yours is, Plan B is the answer. He does not sound ready to make a committment at all and until he does, will just leave you to twist in the wind. I would move to Plan B to protect yourself until he is serious. I don't think he is serious yet and is intent on dragging this out.

I would also set down some parameters for reconcilation when he does come around. [and he will] I think your marriage is very promising, but I think you just need to follow MB principles or this could linger on for quite some time. Plan B will yank him off the fence faster than anything.

I don't know if plan B is right. We were doing fine till I told him what I was feeling. He was the one calling me. We went at his pace for the most part. It seems maybe he is just dealing with the realization of how badly he hurt me. I really don't know. I don't know if I am ready to make the step back to plan B. I am not going to contact him again however. I am leaving that up to him no matter how hard it is for me. I need to know that this is what he wants. I am backing off contact till he initiates it. It is killing me that we got past the awkward stage and I hope my feelings that it is over between H and OW are true. Plan B means starting the awkward all over again too. I am very irritated and angry at the moment so that waiting for him to contact me hopefully will go well. To tell you the truth I have very little patience and just want my d**N life and marriage back. I am tired of hurting,,, I am tired of living seperate lives,,, I do love him but the other things are there too. I would not be going through this if I did not love him. I just don't know what is right.

Guess that means I will ride it out a few days to see what happens.

tami

Look at the 180 degree plan that TooMuchCoffeeMan has in his signature. It might help. I think your instinct of letting him take the initiative may be on target.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well Last night I went out and had my hair cut. (looks great by the way) While I was gone H called. He left a pitiful sounding message. Asked me to call him when I got hime. I returned his call and he said he had called in sick to work. Was not feeling well (stress) and wanted me to come over and spend the night. I told him I would be over later.

When I got there he way in bed. Of course he noticed something was different with my hair. He asked me to turn on the light so he could see it. He approved of the change . He talked and apologized for his reaction. Said he had been hiding from his feelings in this matter and I forced him to deal with them. He said that the things in his house that upset me were there because he had not wanted to deal with them so he just did not look at them. He has removed them from the house (found the in the garbage this morning.) He said that on D-day he figured that all couples involoved would endup in divorce. He says it is obvious God wants all of us to mend our marriages our I would have told him to take a hike. He says he does not understand why I am still wanting to be here. I asked him if he had given any thought to what would have happened if the roles had been reversed? He said he had and he did not know what he would have done. He did say that he thought I did nto love him. To which I said and you told me at that time you did not love me. He said there were many things said by him out of anger. He was not able to answer that question. But I think it made him start to question less of why I was still here. He said he understood my feelings and would try to hel me through anything he could. He also said that Sat. and Sun. he saw OW and her H and they all avoided eachother. He said the OW and her H were holding hands and he was jealous that he and I did not hold hands now. I told him I had not been sure if that was what he wanted from me all this time. He said he was scared to do this for fear I would reject him. I assured him I would not. He said he thought it was a silly feeling to be afraid of my reaction and he needed to try to get over it. He said that the other might he was not sure if went out to the moives as friends or H and W. He had his arm around me and and I cuddled up close to him so I am not sure why he was so confused. He said he did not want OW he wanted to have the feeling he had w/ the other woman with me. He never truely wanted them with someone else. He is staying at my house the next 3 days. I guess we shall see where it goes from there.
Thank you for all the support.
Tami