I would appreciate any help out there, especially thoughts from actual WS. My FWH and I are working hard on recovery and have been pretty successful, but I still have some hurdles to get past and they eat away at me. A short version:

My H is an alcoholic. This had been the original mistress in our marriage. I had enough, thought I had fallen out of love, and let him know how I felt. H's drinking escalated, began an A with co-worker. I caught him on the phone with her 2 months into A. We realized our love for each other was still there, he called next day and ended relationship with ow, committed to becoming sober. Since then we've been in recovery, both marriage and alcoholism.

Now, my problem is that I don't understand how my H could have done the "major" things in his A and not felt very uncomfortable guilt at the time. What I mean as the "major" things are 1) when they first kissed, 2) when they first had sex, 3) when he first told her he loved her, 4) when he ordered her roses for Valentine's Day. To me those are major, to him he doesn't feel that they were any more special than the other days in the A. I can only base it on what I think I would feel if I had been the one having the A. If it had been me, I think I would have REALLY felt guilty at each of those moments, especially considering that I still loved my spouse and was so sad that I had lost him. (He felt he had lost me because he felt he could not quit drinking and was in deep depression/alcoholism) He says he felt guilt during the affair, but that the drinking had numbed him considerably...that this is what allowed him to have the A...the alcohol made the guilt feelings get pushed to away. I believe him when he says that what he needed from the A was the love and admiration from the ow.

But the very fact of not feeling guilt or trepidation on those 4 specific events hurts. To me it should have been really scary to do those things with someone else for the first time after 16 years of marriage to the same woman. I would have thought that those were times that the WS might think to themselves, "Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this." Maybe have second thoughts for a moment. Maybe I'm being unrealistic, just don't get it because I've never cheated, etc. It is just causing me to be at a stopping point in my recovery. I just feel like something doesn't match up right. H says he loved me during the A, felt he had lost me for good, needed an emotional patch, yet was able to do specific/major deeds that broke our vows and didn't feel guilt doing it. I just don't get that... Wouldn't any of you feel that the first time you had an A that some of these moments should have been full of nervousness/guilt, etc. especially when the spouse you supposedly still love is sitting at home oblivious to your 2nd life? Even if I had fallen in love with someone else, I think I would have felt uncomfortable guilt at doing those specific acts.

Can someone please help me to maybe see this in a better light? Maybe understand his point of view? I love him so much, feel so much love from him, but I can't get past this one issue. I truly want to understand this whole thing s best as I can, but this one is just beyond what I can comprehend.

There are 2 dynamics at play here and your H has an added issue of his alcoholism. His feelings sound very normal to me. [I am a recovering alcoholic with 18 years of sobriety]

The first dynamic is self protection. When someone is doing something wrong, they go to great lengths in thier own minds to rationalize that behavior. It is too painful to really see and comprehend how bad we have been. It is because of this that many WS' don't begin to realize the horrible gravity of their actions until months later when it is less painful to honestly scrutinize behavior.

The second dynamic is that he is an alcoholic. He just STARTED recovery. His conscience has been numbed out for YEARS. We don't feel things like you do. We might have a vague feeling that what we are doing is wrong, but we are professional mental masturbators and can pretty much rationalize anything away. We have trained ourselves to drown out that little voice in our heads. If he feels SOME guilt right now, he is way ahead of most newly recovering alcoholics.

In short, you are holding him to an unrealistic standard. He is a sick person and does not have the same emotional make up as you. You can't hold a sick person to a well person's standard.

As the alcohol wears off, recovery kicks in and time elapses, he will begin to feel guilt. But demanding a "feeling" from someone is just not realistic. People do not FEEL on demand.

As an alcoholic with 18 years AA, I can just say that it sounds like your H is doing well with what you have told me. The potential loss of his marriage must have shaken him to his core and made him hit bottom quick. That says ALOT about how he feels about you.

I hope you are going to Alanon?

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Is he going to AA meetings?

Melodylane,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Also, congratulations on your 18 years of sobriety! I can now see what tremendously strong people recovering/recovered alcoholics are. It has taken my H to new places within himself that he didn't even know he had.

To answer your questions, no, my husband isn't currently attending AA. He was originally (has been in the process of sobriety since April) for several months. Instead, we are both attending therapy with a group of 5 couples who's marriages are strained because of one of the spouses being an addict. We have lessons and homework each week and the counselor is excellent. He is also counseling my husband individually. The counselor has mentioned that he would like my husband to consider trying the 90 meetings in 90 days. The good thing is that my husband is a deep thinker and these meetings with the counselor have helped him find strength that he truly thought he didn't have. The counselor himself is a recovered alcoholic and my husband really feels that he can relate. I am so thankful for being sent to this man!

Myself, I went to Al-anon for a while, but have quit going. I didn't feel that I could relate to much of what the group was feeling. They were all much farther along than I (at the time). It was a nice group and I may return at some time, but I too have found that the counseling we are receiving has helped me the most. I do have a group I will be attending in another week or so (not sure of the exact start date yet) for the wives of men who are trying to quit an addiction. This is run by our counselor's partner, whom I really like. The counselor told my H and I that he thought this would be good for me at this time.

Melodylane, I really want to thank you for giving me that other insight I was looking for. How funny that I can trust what you say more than I can trust my husband at this point. We are working hard to gain this back. He has made a tremendous sacrifice for me and our marriage...I realize this. It's just so hard for me to understand an alcoholic mind, let alone one in which the man has cheated. I am trying my hardest, though!

Faith

Faith, I think that is great you are both in counseling. Counseling will help guide him through the adjustment back to sanity. However, AA is what he needs to keep him sober. Counseling won't keep him sober.

He desperately needs a consistent and FREQUENT exposure to AA in order to make it. Finding a home group and asking someone to be his sponsor is half the battle because those actions demonstrate a committment and keep him accountable.

Without AA, it is real easy to slip back into alcoholic thinking which leads straight back to drinking. That is why it is so important to recovery to get in as many meetings as possible in the first few days. 90 meetings in 90 days is a WONDERFUL head start in AA and I hope he follows through on it. Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />