Long time no see MBers! Swede is a good friend and coworker of mine. She is also a BS (betrayed spouse).

I know that you all will be able to help her so I have made a thread just for her.

Post your heart out Swede!

K

My H was acting funny in May of 2003 he went one week-end off by himself. He came home Saturday night and been drinking and said he was going back to Chyenne Wy on Sunday. So he did, and did not come home until midnight and drunk again. He had never done this before. And I started to think something was going on then. So when he decided to go to Hawge fest in winter park.
I followed my H in July to winter park and he had a W on the back of his harley. He called me thinking I was at home or in Denver. But I was across the street from him watching. When he got off the phone he went to his bike where the OW was getting things out of his bags on his harley. He kissed her and they went into the motel. The person that was with me could not handle the stress. So I went back to get my car and come back and confront him. I went and got his truck and called on a prescription that he takes and found out that he had it refilled on 6/23/03 and that was the Monday after we had gotten back from vacation. Anyway by the time I got back up and knocked on the door he would not answer. And so we went to every bar in town looking for them. The mean time my friend called up to the motel and they said that Mr& Mrs R had just left. And she asked what color of hair that OW had and they said brown and she told them that was not his Wife had. By the time I did finally find him he was sitting out on the bench of the motel and I confronted him with everything I saw and he said that there was no OW in his room and that he was not having an A. I went to the room and there were signs of her being there. But he denied it all. He said that all he was doing is giving this OW a ride for 2 blocks. It took him over 5 hrs to get to winter park and it only took me 2 hrs. I ended staying with him and talking with him most of the night and he still denies it all. I also found out that he had called her on our cell phone while we were on vacation. And he denies that he was calling her. He had that number on our cell phone several times plus another number that goes to her.
He is trying to make me think that he has done nothing. And that he would not do this to our family.
We have been married for the last 10 yrs and my H was hurt the first year of our marriage and so he has not been able to work since. But it has been the last few months that he has been saying that he does not feel like a man. And that he need sometime to be able to do some boy things. If this is what are boy things no THANKS.
He says that I will not accept anything unless he confesses to something that he did not do. But he was the one that would not have anything to do with me. And it has been really strange between us at times. It is like I get really funny feelings from him like he has talked to her or seen her. He is suppose to go to counseling with me but I don't know if that will work either. All I want is the truth about all of this and why he did this to us.
Swede

<small>[ October 01, 2003, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Swede ]</small>

Swede,

Sounds like a Mid-Life Crisis to me. How old is he?

WS can become wonderful liars. Don't let him doubt yourself or what you saw. Make him deal with it.

Jill

Swede,

Welcome to MB. You have good support there with Knewjie and her H. As for confrontation, you can see that as long as his head it up the wrong end of his body, he will look funny, walk funny and oh yea.....talk real funny. Most of it won't make sense.

So he thinks you are asking him to confess to something he didn't do? Then ask him to confess to loving his W, being faithful and loyal, not having an A. Ask him if he can confess to that.....see you will have him either way on that statement.

Here we call that 'fog talk', your H is a WS in the fog of the A. As I am sure Knewjie will tell you, you need to familiar yourself with MB concepts and principles.

Knewjie can recommend some books by Dr Harley and others.

Right now you'd better go protect yourself and your finances. In the fog your H could turn into your worst enemy. You have no idea who or what the OW is and if she is the carrier of any STDs so go get checked. Let your H know that he needs to go get checked also.....why? Since he isn't confessing to an A, then you'd have to suspect the worst.

He may tell you the OW is a friend or a nice person. Hogwash.....if OW is that great, she needs to show it to you and you know she isn't your friend. Regardless of who is fooling who, your M is in jeporady until he comes clean. Right now he is a dirty rotten scoundrel (all WS' in the A are) and is not to be trusted with your safety.

Is this scaring you? It should make you cautious. Knewjie will help explain it better.

take care and keep posting.

L.

Thank you for the support. I know that I was not just seeing things even though he is trying to make it seem that way. By the way I already went and got checked and so far I am clean. The H is suppose to go to the doctor tomorrow but I don't know if he will get checked or not. He is 55 ysrs old and that is what I thought that he is having a Mid-Lfe crisis. He is telling me that he got rid of the harley and changed the cell phone number that should prove he is trying to make things better. He said that his personality changed when he put his leg over the Harley. I told him that was very true. But I think the A was going on since last year. And he does not know what to do because this is the first time he has been caught. I don't know if in our marriage that this is the first time or not. I have protected the finances he does not write a check or anything else unless I know about it.
I know that he can be really nice but I also know when I push it he can really get mad and start yelling if I ask to many questions. I hope that when we go to counseling that he does not walk out but I do expect him to do that.
Thanks again for the support
Swede

<small>[ October 02, 2003, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: Swede ]</small>

Thanks Ladies!

When Swede and I first talked about this, I told her about MB and Dr. Harley.

She has read the concepts, has my Not Just Friends book, read [H]'s threads and is seeing my counselor. I've also told her about Steve and Jenn.

I think I got her started pretty good. I don't have my SAA book (loaned it to another BS) or my HNHN (my counselor has it) but she knows to read them.

Swede just can over to my cube and we discussed the fog some more. Do you know off the top of your heads recommend reading on the fog?

OT - Orchid hug your little one for me! Either say hi to the hubby or smack him over the head (your choice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )Hubby and parents send their love!

Love ya!
K

Morning Knewjie,

Good to hear from you. I got you hug and here's one back at ya'. {{{{{hug}}}}} to you, H, your parents and all the little ones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

We are ok, H is in Europe right now on a job. He loves to fly and go to new places. I get to visit the supermarket when I want adventure - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad Swede has you supporting her it is certainly hard to face not matter what.

So your MC likes the HnHn book? Isn't that the mine? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just kidding. You don't know how many times I tried to loan out that book. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Swede keep up the work, it will pay off.

take care,
L.

Actually Mrs. L I have your Dobson's Love Must be Tough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Swede might need that one too. Her WS is in complete denial. The usual script and BS (Not betrayed spouse)!

Thanks for helping Swede out. I told her this morning to follow your advise and that we LOVE you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Send updated pics girl, I know your little one is not so little anymore.

Love ya!
Me

Oh yea..... problem with this library is that we don't charge a late fee because we can't remember who checked out what book!?!?!? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Son is almost as tall as me.....ain't much unless you are in the 4th grade and love almost being able to see mom, eye to eye. YIKES!!! Ok so I am a shorty!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> At least he won't be.... I hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will work on the pixs. Maybe RH can send some from our next get together. He and H are shutter bugs so I am sure you will see us in all our MB glory!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Question, the H is really nervous today about going to the counslor today, is this normal? He just keeps saying that he has a lot on his mind. He also said last night he does not want all of this brought up again and wants to just to go on with life. How can we go on if he won't get his head out of the "fog"? He wants me to believe that nothing has gone on and he is being found guilty on circumsantial evidence, because he is innocent because he did not have the A. I just wish there was some way that I could get him to tell me the truth.
thanks
Swede

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question, the H is really nervous today about going to the counslor today, is this normal?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is. It's normal no matter what the situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just keeps saying that he has a lot on his mind. He also said last night he does not want all of this brought up again and wants to just to go on with life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is following the standard WS (wayward spouse) script.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can we go on if he won't get his head out of the "fog"? He wants me to believe that nothing has gone on and he is being found guilty on circumsantial evidence, because he is innocent because he did not have the A. I just wish there was some way that I could get him to tell me the truth. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time and patience honey. You will come to hate those words, trust me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Keep reading and posting. Get those books we talked about. Pray, pray and pray some more.

You'll be ok Swede. Good luck today!!!!

Bumping for Swede.

How did counseling go??

It went ok, at least he stayed through the complete session which I was surprised and H wrote me a letter and the counslor kept that. And H agreed to come back next week. H told her that he did not do anything wrong & how he did all of these things to try and help like change the cell phone number get rid of his Harley and if he was not trying to help why whould he do all of these things. So I think time will tell. But I really hate Mondays because he always acts weird on Sunday night and Monday mornings. But only time will tell I guess.

What did the letter say?

Did you talk after the session?