I had an affair. The affair started before my affair partner got engaged, and continued for over 2 years until I ended it 8 months ago--his entire marriage up to that point. My affair partner is about to adopt a baby with his wife. He is still in contact with me.

I feel like if I had said something before he got married, maybe the affair would not have taken place. Now he is adopting a child, and hasn't gotten any counseling whatsoever about his affair/infidelity. Should I intervene--perhaps inform the adoption agency of his affair? Or is it none of my business anymore? I mostly feel that God will take care of this and I should stay out of it, but a part of me thinks I'm witnessing a big mistake, and an innocent child's welfare is on the line. His wife knows of the affair, but doesn't know I am still in contact with her husband, I assume so anyway. I feel they are brushing it all under a rug, and their marriage has to be repaired before they should bring a child into it. I asked my affair partner to postpone the adoption until they get professional help, but he says it's none of my business.

They are very close to getting this child now, I am not sure what to do.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Needingadvise,

Firstly let me commend you for doing the right thing and breaking off your affair with him. I don't claim to have any great wisdom on this except that I've been a BS for 3 yrs and I can't tell you how much that hurt/s.

So my thoughts to you are that you ought to be thinking with sensitivity towards his wife and staying right out of his life for the sake of everyone involved here.

She is obviously a woman with a heart to have a child. Your dabbling here might just cause here a whole lot more pain than you've caused her already.

As far as he is concerned, he's a big boy. He must have some idea of the awesome responsibility he's taking on by becoming this child's father. He will change. Nothing changes a man so much as a woman or a child in his life. As far as dealing with the aftermath of your affair, I think you're right. God will bring a change of perspective to him in His own good time. Other folk around him will be able to see where he needs help to strengthen their young marriage.

Your role now is no role. Give them space... plenty of it...

Just my opinion...

Fo8

Well, he is right, it is none of your business, and the best chance they have of getting their marriage back on track is to have you completely and absolutely out of the picture.

Getting 'advice' from you keeps him in an emotional bond with you, and that is still an affair.

Call him once more to let him know, then ban his calls and stay away. If you truly want to do the best for the CHILD, you will do this.

That's a really tough question. See, the problem is you can pretty much fortell there is going to be some big trouble ahead. The new baby will be a huge shake up in the marriage as it is...it's often the point when many spouses feel neglected and start looking to have an affair. But he already has a history of it...heck, it's ongoing right now. He still hasn't broken the addiction. If you drop him now and they get the new baby (which I'd be willing to be he thinks is going to 'fix' everything)...he's going to have a pretty nasty withdrawl.

He needs to get in to counseling. If the [censored] doesn't hit the fan right away, it probly will in the next couple of years. Meanwhile that child grows up in an unstable home. Scary! But I'm just not sure what YOU can do about it???

I don 't think that NAdvice is asking us whether or not she should stay in contact, I believe she
already knows she's not going to continue that.

The issue is whether with her knowledge of this marital relationship, she should allow this adoption to continue.

Should a child be brought into a troubled relationship?

I'm sure that part of the adoption process is to ensure that the child is being brought into a positive, healthly, intact family.

So knowing that this family is not healthy, I think in the best interest of the child, you should notify the agency.

I'm sorry to see the BS in this case lose the opportunity to be a mother. That seems really unfair. But I also hate to see a child brought
into a family that may not stay intact.

I'd feel so much better about this if HE had broken it off with YOU for the purpose of protecting his wife and working on the marriage. As it stands, I feel like he would continue to cheat if he had the opportunity.

How sad.

"His wife knows of the affair, but doesn't know I am still in contact with her husband, I assume so anyway."

This doesn't sound to me like she wants to break contact any time soon.

I agree, the agency is required to ascertain all the relevant conditions of an adoption, clearly this is something that they need to know, and act on as they see fit. As a member of a functioning society you have an absolute obligation to tell the agency what you know....in fact, you probably have a legal obligation in some sense...but regardless you have serious moral obligation to do so.

Thank you all very much for your replies.

Yes, my first priority is not being in any kind of contact with my former affair partner. The last 8 months have been full of major change in my life--I feel I am on the road to recovery, and this is the main reason why I posted my question: how much should I concern myself with this? The sexual part of our affair is over, but we have had some contact--only email.

Yes, I ended the affair. I feel in my heart that he would have never ended it, nor would he have told his wife about the affair, but of course I can't know that for certain. This is an argument for informing the agency: I strongly feel they have been anything but up-front about their marriage, and their finances for that matter. But what couple looking to adopt is going to admit they have infidelity issues?

I don't know if I can go through with informing the agency. I really wouldn't have any thoughts about it all if they were getting professional help of any kind, but I know they are in denial and have tunnel-vision: this adoption. My ex-affair partner always expressed worry that his wife married him only to get a child--a single woman has a very hard time adopting it seems.

I feel that because the only knew each other 6 months prior to marrying, and that the affair started before the marriage, and that they are both in their mid-40s, first marriage and no prior children...why can't they wait and get counseling before plowing on?

I don't want to start another mess--I have done enough damage, but it is hard to sit by and watch this happen.

You are still emotionally involved with the guy. They have their life to lead and you have yours.

The best thing you can do for the baby is to stop talking to this guy and move on with your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jimmy Mac:
<strong>You are still emotionally involved with the guy. They have their life to lead and you have yours.

The best thing you can do for the baby is to stop talking to this guy and move on with your life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agreed, stop talking to the affair partner, but that has nothing to do with whether this is a safe enviroment to place a child in...that call is made by the agency and they need ALL the information about this couple, including what this poster knows firsthand. It would NOT be in the babies best interest to be placed in a dysfunctional home with questionable parents, which these obviously are.... that is self-evident because they concealed evidence to gain the adoption which act speaks for itself re their suitability as parents. Would you place YOUR child in such an enviroment....somehow I doubt it.

In thinking more about this...I have to agree with anonymously tipping off the agency. I'm an adoptive parent...and it just doesn't sound like this home is a very stable and healthy place for a new baby to be placed right now. These people need help...or their child will need tons of help down the line.

NA...it doesn't mean the agency will keep them from adopting...just that maybe they'll have to get some counseling. They need that! And they need an honest marriage. This MM isn't finding the will to do it on his own. That's typical. You would be giving all 3 of them a gift.

If you can't (won't) do it...find someone who can.

needingadvice,

The moment you have A with this man you already make their bussiness yours.

Follow Harle's How A should end ?

If you have no hidden agenda ... and you are strong enough ... meet with OMW. Explain to her the A, appologize and make promise that you never be in their life ever ! and give her the NC letter to give it to her H. Answer all the questions she might have ... then let it go and never look back.

just my 2¢. -rh-

My stbxH had multiple A's. One of his OW was a (so called) friend of mine. She and her H could not have children together (her H had mumps as a child, and apparently cannot have kids as a result of the infection). They had a daughter, with the help of a sperm clinic. For child #2, they were thinking about adoption, and were going through the processes to ensure it would happen.

They were in the final stages when OW and my H had an A.

Through some form of a miracle, I met someone online, who knew someone else, who happened to personally know their caseworker (talk about small world scenerio!). I forwarded the emails I had "snooped" and found (all lovey dovey b.s. about getting that first kiss out of the way, and isn't it all romantic... made me want to puke!). Anyways... I forwarded the emails to the person I knew, and eventually, they got to the caseworker. The adoption was put on hold because of it. No doubt, having something like an affair, is enough of a problem that no worker in their right mind is going to allow a child into.

I didn't find out about them being denied the adoption until a month or two into my (false) recovery with my H. Apparently, OW's H was so irate, that he wanted to charge me with defermation (sp?) of character. Of course.. the OW didn't want to go that route... b/c she knew it was the truth.

I hope to God that no child was ever adopted into that "family". It's bad enough that they have one already (the OW had regular A's... my H was only one of at least 3 that I know about).

Having been through it (sort of), I urge you to call the adoption agency to inform them of the infidelity. This is not you being vengeful, this is not you butting in, this is you doing what is right and in the best interest of an innocent child.

The worst that could happen would be that the agency shrugs off your statement, or that the OM and his W do the same. But at least you would know that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I would hate to see you regret not saying anything, God forbid, should something happen to the child in the future.

Karen

p.s. once you have dealt with this issue, I strongly urge you to keep in touch with us on here. If anything, we can all help support you in starting and maintaining complete NO CONTACT with the OM. Baby or not... your continued emotional contact with him is continually causing damage to his M.