Hello All,

I am trying to end an A with OM who wants to help save my M with H. I have not yet told H about A with OM.

OM is recently divorced and says he can help through discussing with him his perceptions of me, my M to H, his experience etc... I value OM's opinions and find that he knows more about me than I sometimes know about myself. OM is 26 years older.

OM has taught me so much about relationships, honesty, openness...I trust him more than any therapist. He is being supportive in my decision to end the A and wants to help/counsel me. Is that insane to even consider?

I am not happy in my M...I am not in love with H, but find that we need to stay together for our S&D...this is my main reason for trying to save our M.

Where do I start? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

ME - WS 31yrs
H - BS 33 yrs
OM - 57 yrs
M - for 13 yrs; @ young age
C - S,11; D,9

Where do you start? You start by ending the affair. NO CONTACT.

There is no way to save or heal your marriage while you're dating another guy. That's pretty much a given.

Your marriage CAN be recovered, but obviously some things have to change first. I'm living proof that you can pull a marriage from the pits of hell & misery and transform it into a happy and fulfilling relationship that brings immense joy to your life. That's where I am now, thankfully. But it took some hard decisions and serious focus on both our parts. It's well worth the effort.

I remember clearly telling my H that I didn't love him anymore, that I wanted to quit and live a different life. (My A was sandwiched between his two A's.) I will be forever grateful that we didn't give up back then. We went thru some horrible, painful, and dark times...but we didn't give up. We stopped focusing on SELF, and put our effort into being the best spouse/friend we could be. Know what? That worked.

Have you read the concepts from the main Marriage Builders page yet? I suggest you read those as well as "His Needs/Her Needs".

And keep posting here. You probably won't like a lot of what you're told here, but you'd do well to "listen" very closely.

Lori

If the OM really cared about your marriage, he would end contact with you today. If he cared one whit about you or your husband he would never have been involved in an affair with you in the first place. His offer to help repair what he has helped destroy sounds manipulative at best and sick at worst. Maybe it is a an excuse to keep you roped into this affair. But rest assured he does not care about your marriage.

His very presence in your life can do nothing but destroy any hope you have of repairing the marriage.

The first step is to tell your H about the affair and end the affair with a no contact letter NOW. Your H has an absolute right to know what is going on in his life. It is also the only hope you have of ever repairing your marriage.

I would then suggest reading everything you can on this website. You have probably fallen out of love because your H has stopped meeting your meets, which possibly has led to the conditions in the marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair. The key will be discovering what has caused this in order to prevent future affairs and to rediscover some happiness in your marriage.

A good place to start is to get His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. I would also suggest counseling. I wish you the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just a guess with the limited info you provided, and my limited experience...

Your H will be in a lot of pain when you tell him the truth (and you must tell him). Asking him to accept advice or counseling from your OM will be a massive kick-in-the-teeth when his is already down.

Your H will have no respect for OM. Your OM, to him, is going to be someone who has no respect for the sanctity of marriage, and someone who is willing to cause people unbearable pain for his own selfish reasons. That may not be entirely the case, but your H is bound to see it that way initially.

Putting H and OM into the same jar will only cause trouble.

If you want to give your marriage a chance, professional counseling is the only way to go.

imho,
cpx

Imagine for a minute that it was your H that wrote that post, what would your reaction be to the idea of the OW trying to save your marriage?

You have been given excellent advice by the previous posters, please consider taking it.

You have started in a really good place. If you have read any of this site then you know that you have a really good chance of rescuing your marriage.

First, I am glad you have found your way here. I am sorry for the circumstances but happy your're here none the less.
I am trying to be blunt not harsh....o.k.

I am trying to end an A with OM who wants to help save my M with H. I have not yet told H about A with OM.

As Yoda might say.....Do, or do not. There is no try. If the OM wants to help you save your marriage he will forever remove himself from you, your husband's and your kid's lives. For you to have a healthy marriage you really need to come clean to your husband. Read here, learn how he might react. Learn how to help the two of you heal from this. If possible Order Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her Needs

OM is recently divorced and says he can help through discussing with him his perceptions of me, my M to H, his experience etc... I value OM's opinions and find that he knows more about me than I sometimes know about myself. OM is 26 years older.

Let me see if I understand this. The OM wants to give your husband some insight as to his perceptions of you and your marriage? I REALLY think this is a REALLY BAD idea.

How long has you affair been going on?
Were you part of the reason for his divorce?


OM has taught me so much about relationships, honesty, openness...I trust him more than any therapist. He is being supportive in my decision to end the A and wants to help/counsel me. Is that insane to even consider?

Insane no...well maybe. It is certainly normal thinking when you are involved in an A. Look at it from my perspective just reading what you have written. If he has taught you so much about honesty and openness then why haven't you told your H? How can you take advice about your marriage from a person who is actively trying to destroy it? Go to your church or your phonebook and find a real counselor.

I am not happy in my M...I am not in love with H, but find that we need to stay together for our S&D...this is my main reason for trying to save our M.

Why aren't you happy. Can you give more back ground of your situation?

kk, there are a lot of really good people here who will try and help you and your family through this situation.

God Bless

Doug

I am a BS. My OW, during our brief and ill-fated recovery, offered her services as consultant. What on earth did she imagine she understood about my H? Now that she's lived with him for a few months, she wants out. Sheesh!

The last thing I wanted was counseling from a floozy who imagined she had a "deeper" relationship with my spouse. She debauched my husband, defiled my marriage, destroyed my home and my family -- and she wants to HELP?!? (Predictably, this was a brief spell of insanity before she had the opportunity to grab him and run with it -- which she did. So much for "helping".)

I expect your H will feel much the same way I did.

I dare the OW in my situation to offer to help save my marraige, I DARE HER!

Bad idea, 'nuff said.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

....although she might help me with my spelling! LOL
(Sorry about all the typos above)
LOL

I agree with all the other posters. This guy is a wolf in sheep's clothing. If you want to save your M run from him - NO CONTACT - be totally honest with your H. May God help you during this time.

He has taught you more than you will ever know about HONESTY,,, get a grip, you have got to be kidding...................

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kk2003:
<strong>

OM has taught me so much about relationships, honesty, openness... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am wondering what he knows about any of those things? He doesn't practice openness or honesty in his own life. He is in a dishonest, secretive affair. His "relationship" with you is based on deceit and selfishness. He just got divorced and is involved in an illicit affair with someone else's wife so we know he knows nothing about healthy, productive relationships. How could he possibly counsel others to do what he himself doesn't do?

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

He has taught you more than you will ever know about HONESTY and OPENESS,,, get a grip, you have got to be kidding...................at least you gave me a good laugh with that one.

wow..i don't post much at all...but as a former ws, i really really have to say...what a load of crap!...i don't mean to sound harsh, and i know (believe me, i know) how hard it is to end an A...but where does your OM get the balls to say he can 'help' your marriage get better???..i know it's a romantic thought and all, but come on...seems to me it's just a way for him to keep you in the sack and in the meantime he can pretend that he is 'helping' your marriage....sheesh...even in the deepest fog of all that has to sound a little whacky to you?..

i haven't read any of the other responses yet, but i bet they said the only way you can help your marriage is NO Contact..None...they are right...been there, done that..it's the only way...good luck to you...and don't give up, if you're feeling like you want to save your marriage..there's a reason for that...it's hard work though and you have to be strong...hang tough...

PS: look around www.ivillage.com and find the 'ending an affair' message board..it was a lifesaver for me and you'll find great advice there...

The best way the om could help you is to dump you and hard at that. No apologies, no "I'll help by telling you you need to go back to your marriage", yada, yada, yada.

Otherwise, he's a "good guy" cause he's helping you to do the right thing, etc.

Hi KK,

As a FWH, I can relate to what you are thinking and feeling right now. My D-Day was only 4 months ago. At that time I really wanted to help make things better for both my wife and my OW and her H. I can maybe even relate to your OM's feelings a little, too.

The sad fact, that you're going to have to come to terms with is this. Right now you have feelings for both men. That can't continue. You have to make a choice. And the three of you aren't going to be friends after all this is out. Your H will probably be furious, and your OM's post-A involvement will only make that worse. Your H will see any involvement by your OM as a sign that you still have feelings for him, which I'm sure you do by your post.

The thing is, KK, if you want your marriage to survive, then you have to "forsake all others", and that includes OM. If he really cares for you, and you for him, you two will see that any further contact is not in the best interest of you or your marriage. It's that simple. It's cold, it's hard, but it's true.

When my A ended, neither I nor OW had bad feelings for each other. We realized what we had done was wrong, but the fact that neither one of us really "wanted" it to end made it so much harder. But it did need to end, just like yours does. You know, and your OM knows it, too. Now you just have to summon up the courage to do what's right.

Good Luck, and keep us informed. Don't get scared off if you think some of the people here are too harsh. It's just that they've been there, some of them many times. They care about you, or they wouldn't respond. Sometimes they seem a little harsh, but they realize a cold splash of water is sometimes required to "wake a person up".

Oscar <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all for your replies...

Just taking time to read through and digest...

KK

Hope we weren't too rough, KK, but please do realize you are still in what we call "The Fog." That's why you can consider this idea. You don't realize how devastating the affair is almost certainly going to be to your H.

You don't realize that your marriage is in deep, deep jeopardy, and you will have to fight hard to keep it. Your H may not even try.

Here's an unsurpassed post to read on the Fog. It's helped my thinking enormously:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537#000000

Good luck!

Just when you think you have seen it all, the capacity for human beings to create another nuance is truly remarkable...where to start KK.

I am gonna take a different tack, others have read you the riot act, and given the default interpretation of the om, they may be right, probably are, odds are with them...but there is some wiggle room.

First, I am not going to assume you are the village idiot, and have no powers of discernment. It may be true the om is a relatively decent individual, who is also perceptive and has come to know you fairly well, maybe in ways you H is unable to, or doesn't even want to, I dunno about that, you haven't really said. You may have intially developed a legitimate friendship that went to far, as such things often do. It sounds like that has been recognized, the om wishes you well, you have ended the affair, do seek to return to your marriage (albeit for the wrong reasons, kids are motivation to revisit whether the marriage is salvageable, but are a terrible reason to remain in an unhealthy enviroment, the marriage either works or not, if not, one should admit that and end it).

The problem is this KK, despite the om good intentions (and I am assuming he is sincere, which is a BIG assumption on my part), he is very confused over his role in this. Maybe in some kind of perfect world where people did not have visceral emotional reactions, that would work. But we don't, and there is zero possiblity your H is going to react favorably to anything the om has to offer...except his apology, and promise of NC with you. If this om really understands anything about people, he should know this, that he does not, means he is confused (I assume he thinks he is sincere) at best, and you have to tell him no thank-you, the best thing you can do for me is to have NC with me. His motivation is a rationalization to remain in your life, he has some sort of dysfunctional rescuer mentality and does not know how to let go. It may be your H is bad news, and you will be unhappy....but it is not the om problem, he can't fix this, only you can resolve your life. Take whatever you have come to know about yourself, that is fine, all experiences are useful, even affairs, if you learn from them.

Read the information here, it is the distilled knowledge from thousands of affairs and troubled marriage packaged into principles and procedures that will resolve your marriage....whether it be reconcilliation or end it, but it will be with understanding...that cannot happen with om trying to advise either of you. Tell the om goodbye, study (alone and here with your peers), compose yourself, formulate a plan for all outcomes, pick your time, and tell your H the truth. That is the only healthy way out of this for you. It will not be easy, but you will survive and prosper, and your kids will be better off with a healthy mom, but it won't be easy, so lean on the folks here, and a good counsellor (if you can).

One other thing, if the om does not respect your request for NC, he is just what the others are saying here, not a nice guy, but a predator of some kind. That is how you tell, do yop see? Good luck.