Hello everyone!! I have never done anything like this before, but I really need some advice. My wife and I have been married for 3years. In August of 2002 she moved out. She came back in 6 weeks and I thought everything was going good. In Feb 03 she moved out again. She came back in about 6 weeks again. Well she moved out again in Aug 03 and is still gone today. She is living with her mom, who by the way hates my guts. My wife has a 6 year old that is her son and my wife and I have a 17 month old. She keeps saying that she is not happy and not in love with me anymore. She is very confused. She has not got the divorce papers yet, nor has she set up any counseling. She did finally set up some counseling for her son. She says her reasons for leaving me are because of the way I did her son and not really being there for her. There isn't any kind of abuse or cheating or anything like that. I really believe that she has low self esteem and that her mom is playing a part in our separation. I am seeking some advice in how to get through this myself and what I can do to help get her to counseling. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Hi IG,

Welcome to MB. Please read the concept section above. In your opinion, what is your w's reason for leaving and returning? Is it cyclic?

R U in the Indiannapolis area? If so, there are some MBers nearby.

L.

Another Indianapolis MB'er!!! I'd say hooray, but I'm sad to see anyone here.

Have you started counseling yet? If not, I suggest you do so immediately. Have you read about the MB concepts? Plan A, etc? If not, you need to. Until she is ready to commit and work on things, the only thing you can do is work on yourself and work on how you're treating her....

IG,

I am glad to see that you made it over here. Again, I want to welcome you and let you know that there are some very wise people on this board. You have already received a reply from what I think one of the wised people that I have had the pleasure in knowing. Orchid has pulled me through some pretty dark times.

Agian, I would advise ready everything that you can off of this site and ask alot of questions. I would suggest that you start readying up on Plan A and implament it ASAP. We will be here to help you when you need us.

Indy

Well thank you to the three of you who replied. I appreciate all help. Orchid, my wife tells me that she thought I could have been a better dad to her son and be there for her more. We got married when I was 23 and she was 22. So we married young and have had a life changing event every year that we have been married. We got engaged in 99, married in 00, she got pregnant and we built a new house in 01. We had a baby boy in May 02. Besides her moving out this year has been relatively quiet. Like I said earlier there hasn't been any abuse or infedility in our marriage. I probably was a little immature and I am sure she was too when we got married. I probably did make some mistakes as a father and a husband since it was all new. Her son was 2 and a half when we met. She said at one time that she could never forgive me for the past. Now she says that she can forgive me but she could not forget it. I thought you were suppose to forget when you forgive?? The way I look at this whole situation is that everything that has happenned between us is just life and not marriage ending. I do believe that she is coming around - as we are talking, I just can't get her to go to counseling. I am going to counseling, I have been going for over two months now. I feel like I have grown up a lot and I have learned a lot from her leaving and from counseling. I asked her last night how she thought of me as a dad now to our 17 month old. She said that I was a great dad and was doing a lot better than the past. I then told her that if given a second chance with her son that I would become that same dad to him as I have became to our son. So I don't know. I know that I can't force her to go to counseling, but I wish I could find a way to motivate her more quickly than her speed. I do believe that she is going to go, but I just don't know when. Her mom hates me also, so this is a whole other problem. Her mom wants my wife to choose between me and her. This is crazy. Any suggestions on this scenario??? Anyways, Yes I am here in Indianapolis. Looking forward to talking to everyone - especially if you live here with me!! Take care and thanks for any advice in advance!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by indygreg394:
<strong> I wish I could find a way to motivate her more quickly than her speed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You Can't!!!! The only thing you can do is let her see what kind of person/Dad/Husband you can be. The more you press her, the more she will resist....I will ask again since you didn't answer, but have you read about the Marriage Builders Concepts...??? Love Bank, Plan A.etc?
They are very very good tools at helping you show her what you are capable of. And while they don't solve 100% of marriage problems, they make you a better relationship partner, for the present and the future....Read! Read! Read!

I have started reading through the website along with a few others. I plan on reading everything I can and continue counseling. I feel like I am a better person because of counseling and for reading websites like this one.

I think that it is great that you have that outlook. Keep the positive attitude. Once you read up on Plan A you will need to come up with a plan. Bring your ideas here and we will help you with it.

Indy

Well this weekend is showing some promise. My wife called me last night and asked if I would like to take the kids out to eat with her. Of course I said yes. I ended up bring pizza home to our house. This was the first time her son had been to our home since my wife moved out in August and the first time my wife had been to the house for more than a few minutes to drop off the baby. They stayed for a couple of hours and we had fun all together. Today I got the chance to take the older boy(her son) with me and the baby to my sister's house for my nephew's 1st birthday. I was so happy that she let him go - she said that she would not go because she was not comfortable yet. The older boy asked her to come along and she said not this time. I had a ton of fun with the older boy and I thanked my wife endlessly for letting him go. It was a great day. Hopefully these are all signs that my wife is starting to come around. I just need to be patient and not push her - easier said than done.

Greg, this is just a small suggestion, but have you thought to ask you wife if you could spend alone time with the older boy. Maybe seeing you as "the new improved father" would help push back memories of the "old style father" and make her realize how you are changing not just with the younger child but older also.

I say this because my H was not the father of the year type. When he started to realize that and how it would effect his sons later in life, he dove in and immediately started to improve. The problem though was that he felt on one hand it was too late for 11 year old he had already failed and so focused all his attention on 4 year old son. Both older son and I were mad to say the least. I think he did it subconciously but still. Anyway he began to do things with them together but also seperate. Huge change in all three of us older son, me and H. I started to see the father I always knew he could be and then started looking at him as the H I always knew he could be.
Plus think how you can change and influence this older childs life just by throwing the ball, taking him out for pizza etc etc a few hours a week.
Km4
me 39
ws 44
married 17years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend.

Well KM4 I would love to do more things with the older son, it is not just recently that she is allowing me to see him. Today has brought a new problem that I need some advice on. My wife has been telling me over and over that her car needs brakes. I told her that I would let my friend do it. I didn't say a whole lot else about it. Well yesterday she told me that her ex boyfriend was going to fix the car. I said that was fine and didn't say anything bad about this. Well today she calls and she just had a bad attitude with me. She said that I didn't care about her or the kids because I didn't tell her to go and take the car in somewhere or offer to help pay for it. She said that her ex boyfriend heard about her car from her dad and he came over and said that he would fix it. My wife said that she did not want him to fix it because she did not have any money. He said that he would do it because if anything would happen to them and he knew about the problem, he didn't want to have that on his conscience. She said that I should have felt that way. Which of course I do - more than anything else in this world. I am not sure what to say or do to help make this situation better. She asked her mom before she called me why she(her mom) hated me so much. Her mom said that I wasn't responsible for my family - referring to the brakes. Then what does my wife say to me - That I am not responsilbe for my family. Any suggestions??? I do not want to lose the momentum that we have been gaining, but I think that this is going to hurt.

Very quick update. Things are going better besides the weekend. We are possibly going to take the kids out and do something this weekend. She is going to bring the kids over for Halloween tomorrow. I would like to try and talk to her about everything and make a push for counseling, any suggestions in trying to attempt this??

Greg,

No big R talks yet. You may push her backwards. Enjoy the time with the kids and then go back to the routine. She needs to see what she is missing.

R talking tends to create pressure that Ws' have a hard time handling while juggling their A. Believe it or not most A's are quite stressful but in the fog, the Ws creates more stress.

The piece of art is that you have to learn how NOT to take the A stress but be there for the family stress.

L.