Hello….in a bit of a dilemma here. I am not sure if I am overreacting to the situation or reading too much into it. Ok let me explain…..My husband and I are recently married, about 6 months. So far except for the lil arguments we have every now and then, I think married life have been bliss.

Last Saturday I told my husband that I had to be at work the whole day becoz of some deadline I had to meet. He says ok, he was going out to look for some new furniture. I didn’t speak to him much through the day until later on after lunch when I sms him to find how he was and etc. He exchanged a couple of sms over a period of time. In the last sms I told him that I will be coming home in about an hour or so. But somehow I managed to wrap things quickly and left a few minutes later.

As I was approaching home, I gave him a call simply to tell him I was on my way. He asked me where was I exactly so I told him. He then told me not to come home and to go straight to our friends home (which was abt 2 miles away) and meet him there. I couldn’t understand why he asked me to do that, since I was already 3 mins away from home and since he was home I could pick him up and we can together. I asked him why..he said he was on his way there. I knew he was still at home and demanded to know whats going on. He later said that he was with X (the wife of the couple that we knew) and was just abt to send her home. Now at this point I was going beserk…..I am thinking why on earth did he try to cover things up, something must be going on. I went straight home and saw his car just leaving from the house.

He got back…we argued, I am going mental becoz the situation doesn’t look good. Apparently she called him to ask if he could get her some headache tablets and he took them to her house. When he got there, he told her he was going to shop for some furniture and asked her if she’d like to come. She said yes and on the way back, asked her if she wanted to pop in to have a coffee. They were just about to leave when I called. Btw she’s married with two kids and was not at home alone at the time (her husband was at work). The couple is actually my husbands new business partners, I have met them a couple of times and they seemed very nice. Obviously my husband is closer to them than I am.

2 things here that concerned me…

(i) why did he fail to mention to me that he was with her the time when we were exchanging sms - he said he didn’t know why and choose the path of least resistance cause he knows that I would be asking questions abt how the situation came abt especially since I found her at home having coffee with his the previous Saturday as well; and (she told her husband that she was going out to look at furniture with my husband)

(ii) why did he feel like he needed to cover up when he knew I was coming home already.

We had a big argument over the weekend and in the end I accepted his story but explained how I felt about the situation. He apologized and explained the whoe thing to the other couple as well. Her husband was fine abt it, infact he also came to see me to find out if I was ok. I told the husband I was fine and explained why I reacted the way I did.

Now yesterday, the same thing happen. We were talking on the phone twice and just casually asked him where he was and what he was doing. He told me he was having coffee but failed to say that she was there. When he got home, he told me what he was up to and stuff (failed to mention her in the pic). You know like couples do. Later on that night when we were having dinner, he said he had to take her to the bank and then they had coffee together somewhere. Now at this point I am wondering again…

(i) why the hell did you not tell me when you had every opportunity to say something. If he was up front I would not have been angry but asked him how come or why. You see at face value I can’t see how my husband can be attracted to her, personality wise as well. Also I know that my husband is naturally v friendly, obliging and attentive hence why perhaps she likes to hang out with him.

(ii) why would he not say anything especially after the events that happened over the last weekend (he knew I was upset)

I was so upset last night and I don’t know what to make of it. He says its another stupid mistake. He wanted to be normal, not to tell me that he was with her coz it would have made both of us uncomfortable. And just inform me casually later on that night as if it was nothing. Now I don’t see how that’s possible – the one question that me and the other woman’s husband asked him was why didn’t you tell your wife if it was nothing? So I don’t understand why did he do it again?

My husband seems terribly sorry and upset over the situation but I am not sure how I feel. I was ever so willing to put last Saturday behind us just like that and be almost normal but after yesterday – I am not sure if I could or should or want?

I know this is long and boring but I hope someone could advise me on the situation. What should I do. I actually 95% believe that there is nothing going on between them (i.e nothing has happened) but that 5% is really bugging me. I have decided to distance myself from him a bit, is my actions ok? I am reading too much into this? What steps should I take? He says I can lay all the ground rules so he doesn’t have to screw up again? What ground rules?? I don’t want or expect him to inform me before hand of everything he is doing, I don’t want to control who he should or should not see, I don’t know. Tell me what to look out for.

Aventurine


well, I can understand you completely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Your gut is telling you that something isn't right and all I can tell you is that you should NEVER neglect what your gut is telling you.

The fact that your H also didn't tell you that this OW was with him during your SMS session and the second time is a sign that he is for sure "feeling guilty" about something.

If it was completely harmless as he is telling you, why is he having such a problem to tell you??

Anyways, it will not help in your situation to fight. No matter what is going on or not, I think the best way to approach this is with a Plan A way of thinking.

Try to "calm down".

Are there any other "changes" you have noticed and if so, since when and what are they?

I'm not trying to upset you, so please don't get me wrong. I'm really feeling with you.

I just believe that your H is being "unhonest & not open". This is indeed something to "watch out about".

Read all you can about Plan A and Emotional Needs. I truely believe that this is the key for a successfull relationship.

hugs
bb

Aventurine - I'm with BB on this one...it stinks and your "gut" is correct.

Okay, let's see...

1. Innocent as your H tries to tell you. Best scenario, but unlikely. Your husband knows that you "suspect" more is going on and is continuing behavior that upsets you. Not a sign of someone dedicated to the marriage or to you.

2. An EA (Emotional Affair) is going on. This is a likely scenario. In your husband's mind, he may not equate this adultery because he might be telling himself that only sex consitututes actual adultery. But that's a lie that most of us around here have found out the hard way.

3. A PA (Physical Affair) is going on. A possibility. Despite her husband seeming to "buy" their "story", I am highly suspicious about his reaction to your being "just 3 minutes" away from home. A huge Red Flag. "Just having coffee" is innocent and should not be the cause of concern to him if you were to show up unannounced or earlier than expected. Now, I don't know about past behaviors or past reactions you may have had. I suppose it's possible that if you have "flown off the handle" in the past about any time he talked with another woman in some "fit of jealousy" over just talking to some other woman, he might try to "cover up" an innocent cup of coffee meeting, but it's probably unlikely that scenario is at play. Only you would know for certain.

So, your husband is business partners with her husband. Complicates matters. The business partnership may will come to an end before all this is over. Under NO circumstances are your husband and the OW (Other Woman) to ever be alone together. That is the minimum that your husband ownes you as part of your vows and his commitment to Protect you. It is also inappropriate at the least for a married man and a married woman to be alone together, especially in a place where things "could" happen.

I also strongly suggest that the two of you go into Joint Marital Counseling immediately. There is at the very least a lot of secrets and lying going on instead of the Honesty and Openness that is vital to a healthy marriage. You both need an outside guide to help you both face reality and to move towards a better and more secure future.

Read all you can here on the MB site. Be vigilant and do some detective work to determine if there is just cause to be concerned about your husband's behavior. If there is an affair going on, it will hurt like heck, but you need to know the truth before any real action can be taken.

You can try Plan A if you'd like, but it is intended to bring an end to an ongoing affair, and again all we are dealing with right now is speculation, not fact. So it might not be appropriate to begin a "formal Plan A" yet.

It is time for you and your husband to have some honest discussion about how you each view your marriage. It is obvious that he thinks it's okay to lie to you and it's obvious (I'm sure it is to him) that you don't trust him with respect to this OW. This is NOT a marriage that is being true to it's vows. "Forsaking ALL others" is something you BOTH commit to when you get married. So going back to how you each view the marriage and the vows is a starting point for discussion.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ October 23, 2003, 06:25 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I don’t see how that’s possible – the one question that me and the other woman’s husband asked him was why didn’t you tell your wife if it was nothing? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am assumming by the quote that you have discussed your concern with the other woman's husband. If so that is good because affairs occur in the dark and seldom in the light of day.

A couple of thoughts. I do agree with what your gut is telling you that there is something wrong.

So what is going on? Hmmm nobody really knows but here is a few suggestions. Like it or not you need to confirm whether your concerns are valid or not. So you will need to do some level of snooping. Re check email accounts, cell bills, perhaps even hide a recorder in a strategic place in the house or his car (where most cell calls take place) to see if you can catch anything on tape.

Here is a couple of theories to consider.

Since she is telling her husband about being with yours there is a chance that perhaps your husband feels guilty because he might have been developing feelings for her without her even being aware of it.

Or this is the early stage of an affair. Hopefully only emotional at this stage.

Red flags are going up. Get recorder from Radio Shack that you plug into phone jack behind some furniture. It will tape phone calls and then you will know. Go to Plan A and don't fight. Be very sneaky until you know for sure, but it sounds very suspicious. Normal married folks don't have that much contact with someone of the opposite sex, especially so constantly. But be calm and find out what's going on, because if there is something, they will deny, deny, deny. Read up on Plan A and keep posting. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Apparently she called him to ask if he could get her some headache tablets and he took them to her house. When he got there, he told her he was going to shop for some furniture and asked her if she’d like to come. She said yes and on the way back, asked her if she wanted to pop in to have a coffee. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, let me get this straight. She had a headache. It was so bad she called HIM to bring her medicine. (Where was her husband, family, or even famale friends?)
Once he carried the medicine it worked so fast, she felt so much better, she was dressed and ready to furniture shop and have coffee?

Certainly, you are seeing huge red flags. Trust your instinct!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2 things here that concerned me…

(i) why did he fail to mention to me that he was with her the time when we were exchanging sms

(ii) why did he feel like he needed to cover up when he knew I was coming home already.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he knew he was wrong. He knew he had no business spending time alone like this with another woman and at your house. And he did not want you to find out about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Later on that night when we were having dinner, he said he had to take her to the bank and then they had coffee together somewhere. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this woman totally helpless? Why did HE have to take her to the bank? Why is she so dependent on your husband?

You are not reading too much into this at all.

If you distance yourself, this gives him even more excuse and opportunity if it is an affair. After all "you weren't paying him any attention at home".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don’t want or expect him to inform me before hand of everything he is doing, I don’t want to control who he should or should not see, I don’t know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He needs to know that you are unhappy with his relationship with this woman. Believe me, it is not going to change and get better just because you sit back or distance yourself. Your resentments will grow. You will be sitting on a keg of dynamite.

Your husband is failing to safeguard his weaknesses. He has poor boundaries. It is not your job to educate him or tell him what he can or cannot do, who he can or cannot see. He should know better. I think he does. That is why he avoides telling you the truth or hides things from you.

Something is definitely going on. Especially after he did it once, tried to hide it from you and then did it again. If your child was sick, you would get some immediate help. It sounds like your marriage is not exactly healthy right now. Get some help. I think you both need some counseling.

God bless,
Susan

Tell the woman's H what is going on because he needs to ask her questions such as 'Why are you relying on such and such H?'. Even if you are wrong about them, the fact that they are spending so much time together is definitely NOT a good sign for that is the way affairs start.

Aventurine, I agree with others--you have a problem in your marriage. I went through countless episodes of insecurity and suspicion in my marriage. My husband always vehemently denied wrongdoing, telling me that my "gut" instincts were only the rumblings of a needlessly jealous woman. He convinced me that I was petty, and he was just a normal, fun loving guy trying to have a life. He always had reasonable sounding explanations, and denied ever doing anything wrong. Years later he confessed to a lot of wrongdoing. My instincts were right, the facts had been there all along, and he had been lying.

Trust what your instincts are telling you dear. Denial is a common but serious response to a terrible situation like this, and your husband will try to encourage your denial of what is right in front of you. If he can get you to deny what you see, hear and comprehend to be true, he can enjoy the cheating life without hinderance from you.

One bit of advice I haven't seen--STOP telephoning to let him know when you are coming home. Surprise him by stopping by at different times of day, often. Maybe you will get the proof you need this way if they are indeed using your house as a hide-away date place.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

I like want2shine's idea better than hidden tape recorders!

I, too, have a H who kept trying to convince me I was needlessly jealous and insecure about his behavior.

Nope. I was dead-on right. Although he wasn't having affairs, he was definitely engaging in the sloppy behaviors, and failing to safeguard his "poor boundaries," that did lead to an affair.

So it may be innocent, but he's definitely engaging in behaviors that will eventually stumble into an A.

I agree with the others, you should trust your instincts. Things do not add up here because people who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

However, I wouldn't suggest making any more accusations or even talking to him about this until you do some snooping to find out EXACTLY what is going on. Talking about it only makes him more secretive if something truly is happening.

Put a recorder on your phone, look at his cell phone bill, plant a recorder in his car, have him followed, whatever you have to do to find the truth. DON'T WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE ASKING QUESTIONS AND ACCUSING BECAUSE HE IS NOT GOING TO BUST HIMSELF.

Find out what is happening ON YOUR OWN and *THEN* confront him if you find anything. It might even turn out that nothing is happening at all. And if the latter if the case, you don't want to damage the marriage by making false accusations.

You have every right to suspect what is going on...

NEVER deny your gut feeling.

This was the kind of stuff that went on with my xW and OM. They would go shop together and stuff that seemed like it could be harmless. However, to people with no boundaries, it is not harmless. It's not that they went somewhere together once...it's that they are spending nearly every moment together and, most importantly, hiding it.

Get the other husband involved...I think that things will change then.

Yes, I'd have to agree with the other posters that your instincts are telling you something you don't really want to hear.

If it were me, I'd be having the same feelings. Red flags for me specifically - and I'd just like to say that you have asked the right group of people here - everyone who has answered you is speaking from hindsight - so red flags for me -

A. She called him to get headache tablets for her? Do her legs not work? Is her car broken? Does she not have a car? How come she is asking YOUR husband, not her own husband to get her headache tablets? My H works from home a lot, and I work out of the home every morning. If one of my H's colleagues wives called him to get headache tablets for her, his reaction would be - "WTF - why is she calling me for this? I'm too busy to be wasting my time getting some other man's wife headache tablets!" When is a man NOT to busy to run such a piddly little errand for a woman? When he will do anything she asks just to please her.

The only other explanation for that statement is that it was a lie. She didn't really want headache tablets - he made it up to explain how she and he came in contact with each other that day, and how one thing led to another and they just ended up home alone together in your house.

Either way, something is wrong.

Again - she needed him to take her to the bank? It sounds like he found out it worked giving you that kind of small excuse the first time, so he tried a different version the next time.

It feels like he is lying, maybe even to himself - he is covering up something which he deep down knows is wrong. It may be only feelings at this point - feelings he is trying to hide from you. Emotional attachments outside of marriage are difficult to uncover - how DO you decide that your H's "friendship" with another woman is not on the up-and-up? It is common for men to vociferously deny that they are having an affair if it has not gone physical - they can be very emotionally involved with another woman and still see themselves as being "responsible" because they have "controlled" themselves enough to resist the physical, when in fact, they have crossed every other line. I remember my H once said to me "Trust me on this one", and all my red flags went up. One of our marriage counselors said "When one spouse starts saying 'trust me', then I know they are in real trouble". When one spouse says "Trust me on this one", it means "I have some cards that I have in my hand that I don't want you to see for some reason or another". Like in a business deal, he is keeping something back. "Trust me" is a sure sign that he is hiding something. So when he says "trust me", that's the last thing you should do.

Secrecy is always the big red flag. If he is covering up, or lying, then he has something to hide. He most likely will blame you. My H said that it was my fault he had to hide his friendships because I was so jealous! I had never been jealous of any of his friends, male or female, and the only "friendships" he chose to hide were the ones with the women he fell in love with.

It comes as a terrible shock that the person you love and trust is not being open or honest with you. What you have to try to do is get a grip on yourself and realize that although HE is beyond your control, and what he is doing is beyond your control, you ARE in charge of YOURSELF and you can make choices about how you handle this.

You can choose to snoop, as I did, and so many others who have come here have, and then you will have to decide on how you will deal with the situation based on what you find. What people who have come here are trying to tell you is that you may have to go against your first instincts, which is to fight, argue and try to influence what he is doing directly. That usually does not work and can backfire on to you.

I would recommend some kind of investigation - try to see his e-mails - or get ahold of his cellphone. He sms you, so if he is involved with her, he is probably sms'ing her as well, and she him. You must try to keep this activity quiet. Most WS get very angry if they suspect, or know that the BS is spying on them - they will then use that as an excuse to retaliate against you. So if you choose to do this, you need to be in control of yourself.

I would also stop sms'ing him and letting him know of your whereabouts during the day. Certainly never tell him when you are coming home. Go home unexpectedly. Say you have to stay late to work, give it some time, then don't. In a normal situation, you should be able to walk into your own house and not have to answer questions as to why you have come home earlier than expected. In fact, a newly-wed husband ought to welcome you with open arms and be delighted to see you.

As with the others, don't expect him to be honest right now - stop asking him questions and trying to talk about it - it doesn't sound like he is giving honest answers and all this does is make him put his guard up.

Read up on plan A and plan B - you may still have a chance to save your marriage. I think it is good that you have spoken to her H. If you get any hard proof of "inappropriate" behaviour in the form of e-mails or sms msgs, you should let him know.

Its also a red flag that he is asking YOU to set the boundaries - he wants you to make the rules for him. Possible reasons for this: he is begging you to set limits for him, because he knows he is out of control, or on the verge of it, and he wants you to stop him. He also wants to know what YOUR limits are. How far can he go and still stay married to you? And/or - he wants you to set limits which he can later say are unreasonable. Its a way of shifting the responsibility for his actions on to you. It should be a red flag for you about his personality - it shows that he wants someone else to set limits for him - this is not something he wants to do for himself. And people who live by other people's rules always break them. People only live with integrity by the rules they make for themselves. You have a healthy instinct to be repelled by this - you do not WANT to be sucked into this - and that's what I would stress - DON'T let him force you into the role of policeman of his behaviour.

What you DO decide is what YOUR boundaries are - you DO have the right to decide what you will and will not live with, and what kind of relationship you want to have, and what kind of relationship you are willing to commit your life to.

I am concerned that this is happening so early in your marriage - it could be a warning to you, or it could be an opportunity for you to take the right steps early on.

I think one of the most helpful things I have learned is what Dr Harley says here - that it is impossible to commit to faithfulness in principle without the tools to help you stay faithful. The better commitment is to commit to Radical Honesty and a policy of joint agreement - never doing anything without both of you being enthusiastic about it. You can bet that if your H had made these commitments - to honesty with you, and to not doing anything that he didn't think you were enthusiastic about, he wouldn't be doing the things he is doing now.

I know this is hard for you - we have all been where you are now, and we know it can be hell. There are a lot of people here who can help you get through this.

I hope this helps.

LIR

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Adventurine,

I agree with all the others. Be very cafeful here. My Ex-h's explanations about his OW, sounded much the same. It was all so innocent, nothing was going on, how could I even think that anything was. Even my oldest D thought I was crazy. But my gut said something wasn't right and I didn't find out till it was way to late. Take the good advice from the others, but no matter what you do, DO SOMETHING. If your H values you and your M he needs to know that hiding things like meetings with other women is definintely NOT OKAY. Even if nothing is going on it is bothering you and causing you distress and if that isn't enough reason for him to cool it, then that just shows something is very wrong.

It might be all very innocent now, as my Ex's A was in the beginning, but it didn't take before things went from innocent to divorce. You have come to the right place for help, maybe if I had come here when I got that first gut feeling my sig line might be different. So don't ignore your feelings.

Sharon

The biggest lesson I learned from all this is to NEVER EVER ignore my instincts again. I used to dismiss my instincts as nothing more significant than silly superstition or emotions. NEVER AGAIN will I make that mistake again. All of my instincts were eventually PROVEN RIGHT when the facts slowly emerged.

I might not act on instinct ALONE, but I have learned the hard way to always listen to it and take steps to do more investigation.

Ditto to above. I confronted now ex-H but was constantly met with adamant denial. But after a while I could no longer ignore my inner voice & what I was finding. Doing laundry, I would empty shirt/pants pockets only to find receipts for stuff not in our house or not given to friends. He would take the cordless phone down to the basement & try to hide calls before he got a cell phone. Got phone cards so it wouldnt be on bill. He started hiding credit card statements from me. Screamed at me I was following him around town (when I had NOT). He was a very lousy liar. I got the "shes a married woman" "just a working colleague" "just a friend" & bunch of crud. When he said that, I had already known she had filed for divorce against her H!!!

Oh, yes DO check whatever instant messenger (MSN, Yahoo, AOL etc) you have on your computer. Go under its tools & see if there are any chats that were archived. You do need to do some snooping to affirm/deny your fears for yourself. Dont say a word to him about it until you know more than one incident.

I agree, you have to find out.

In my case, things just seemed out of place. My WW had reasons and excuses for every thing I found. The more I found, the more I looked, the more she lied, and the more I wanted to believe her. At the same time she was getting even closer to the OM, as he was now the only person she could talk to about this. The OM used this to get even closer to her and it worked.

It took me one month to get the truth and to get the truth, I wired the house with a 20 hour digital recorder and microphones, taped the phone line, check her voice mails at work and cell, put spyware on her computer, followed her, came home earlier then expected, kept a diary of all money trails, kept a diary of everything she told me that might one day be cross referanced, spoke to the suspected OM. My next step was a P.I. I kept finding more stuff, but never anything concrete enough to let my mind be 100% sure, as I just did not want to believe it.

Then through the phone recorder, I finally caught a half day conversation that pretty well told me everything. That was it, I could not deny it even if I wanted to. Then and only then could recovery start. Then and only then could we start to work on our future and our M.

I am not in any way saying that your H is having an A, and this is what you have to do to get evidence. No what I am saying is that, you obviously have serious doubts or you would have not posted here, and this is putting your life in turmoil and therefore causing troubles in your M. I therefore think you have to find the truth.

In my case, if I did not find out the truth, I would still be putting all of my time and energy into finding it. This would have only self destructed me and my M.

Maybe there is nothing more then what he is telling you. Maybe there is an EA developing, maybe there is PA. The thing is, you do not know, and in my opinion you have the right to look further since he lied to you and is trying to cover things up. It seems to me that your life and M can not go forward until this is cleared up.

You have to get the 5% doubt out of your system. As for him telling you to lay the ground rules. The ground rules...well to start honesty and I would tell him that you are very uncomfortable with this other woman and ask him what he thinks he should do about that.

A lot of us talking on here -- but Aventurine seems to have disappeared. You still out there? How are you doing?

Hi guys...thanks for all your replies and thanks for your concerns. I was out of town this weekend and couldn't get my hands on a computer for long.

First let me update you with whats going on. After a night long chat on Thursday, I once again decided to say to myself...ok whats done is done, there is no point in continuing this cold treatment, ive made clear to him why this whole episode upset me,he seems to understand, he's very remorseful, so fine..". Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that i naively believe his whole story and thinks he is 100% innocent. I will do whatever i can, to find out more on this situation.

After Thursday night we haven't really brought up the topic again. But reading your responses, I would like to reiterate my position on this matter to him again. I don't know exactly what my gut is telling me. It seems a bit unusual for him to be so obliging with her. We are sorta neighbours, we live about 1 mile from each other, and he seems to be close to both her and her husband.

I had a long chat with her husband after the first incident. I was actually fine after thta incident, her husband explained to me their situation, she's in the marketing line and he's on the technical side and that he is completely comfortable with her becoz he honestly don't think she is capable of anything. He says he trust my husband and is completely comfortable and safe with his wife being with my husbamd alone. SO thats one part.

Now...my husband way of thinking when it comes to relationship is a bit different to mine. He says there is no difference if it was a guy or a girl. If his guy friend (who happens to be without a car) asked him to pop over for a beer, he would and hence he sees to difference in inviting a woman for coffee in the house. One one hand i think this is innapropriate behaviour but on the other hand i think if the situation was reversed i wouldn't think it was so innapropriate if its only a friend...do you understand what i am saying? The only difference is I would not hide it from him but then again its not really my style to invite male to my home alone when i know no one is going to be there unless its a v close friend of mine. This brings me to what some of you mentioned - boundaries. I did say to him that his behaviours are not protecting our relationship and it creates situation when an affair is so possible.

Lady In Red
......you mentioned a lot about setting boundaries. Now i do not what to be a policeman for his behaviours but obviously he has different style of thinking or boundaries than i do. Is it enough for me to tell him what my boundaries are? I think thats the only thing i can do right now.

I will see how things unfold over the next couple of weeks. So far i have not met the woman since the first incident, I would like to see how that goes or if its ever gonna happen soon. We've been in fairly ok contact in the last 1 month, i meet up with both of them about 1 or 2 times every 2 weeks. If for some reason i don't see the couple for more than 2 to 3 weeks then i would think its another red flag. Its my husband that usually arrange to meet with them, not me, or they arrange with my husband to meet us.

I am doing fine here....thanks for replies, I not angry, or accusing or upset...but i am suspicious. If its the start of an EA on his part or on her part, how r u going to find out? Also on the needs part, i give him everything. From what ive read i think i satisfy most parts of his needs really well. You can see from my post, i don't feel bad or hate for that woman, there is nothing about her that makes me jealous or feel envious, to me she's as plain and as boring as it can be. I cannot imagine him falling for her, someone else maybe but just not her. Let's hope i am rite on that. But i believe i need to tell him what my boundaries are, you see it may not be her, but it could be someone else in the future.

Your H is a bit naive. Well, he shares that with the times. We've all been taught to treat men and women as if there's no difference. We're all supposed to act as if sex is not hot. There is, and it is.

OWs are not always bombshells. Mine certainly is not. But some people have told me they thought my H was intimidated by my achievement -- he picked a rather plain low-achiever for the OW. She made him feel big. I didn't suspect anything because I thought his judgment was better. It wasn't.

At the very least, I think the idea about coming home unpredictably, without warning, is a good one. Let's hope we're all off on this one, but it does look like your H needs some boundary work.

I'll let the others talk about that.

Adventurine,
Everytime my W's instincts told her something was "going on" she was right. I told her she was wrong and she would always accept my explaination. There were plenty of others not nearly as close as my W to me and they knew something was going on. Somehow wives do not want to believe that something could be going on and so they believe their H, after all he promised her the world and he never included an OW in his promises. This could be innocent but I doubt it. BB et al have offered good advice..... follow it. even if it turns out to be all a misunderstanding you will have cleared the air and your H will know that you are a "sharp cookie"
H