Hope4,

Susan DID listen to people when in her A. She is just getting Sooooooo old she doesn't remember that she did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Hi.! Susan. Got your back don't worry about a thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope4, I like the idea and frankly the fact that you are not close but family may be an advantage especially coupled with the excellent idea of sending it to both of them.

If you have not already sent the letter let me offer you a few other things to consider mentioning in your letter. Consider what this site, and this forum are really about. They are about hope and the realization that not only can a marriage be held together it can be made much better. BUT, even more significantly it can be done with a PLAN. It isn't just hit or miss, but implementation of specific ideas and goals that can change how BOTH of the partners see their marriage.

Do you see what I mean? I know right now if there is an A he doesn't want to hear it can work with his W. WHy? Well, that is too darned confusing. "Now which one do I pick?" But, I do think letting them know there is hope, and that you have BTDT and gotten the tee shirt will help perhaps open the door.

I am a little leary of quoting Harley or Divorcebusters, because it is eduation and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing until someone is ready to learn. But, that is my taste.

Frankly, I think the main importance of your letter will be that you CARE for BOTH of them, and you want them happy.

Anyway, the one thing I do know, is if no one talks to him, he is very unlikley to listen to anyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I suspect you feel the same way. You feel you MUST at least try and I suspect most here would feel the same way because they are here and people have tried to help.

Good luck with your letter and God Bless,

JL

OMG JL, you just outlined the first email I sent to my SIL.

I said we've BTDT, got the T-shirt, AND the totebag.

Seriuosly.

I told HER about MB and that it helps you get a Plan. I also sent the books to her. Because she is actually my H's sister, and because I actually had her address. But if they do begin working on things...she has the information, and they can go from there together.

I'm not planning on sending anything for another few days, maybe even a week. Give it all time to mill around in my head. And give the SIL a few days to read through the books, etc. She hasn't emailed at all today, so I suspect I overwhelmed her with information.

I guess I quoted those sources to back up what I was saying. So it didn't come across as just my opinion. Maybe I will leave it out, however. Because if he decides to disagree with it, it won't matter who said it.

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

Hope4,

Is this a case of GREAT MINDS THINKING ALIKE?? Nah, but we do post to the same board don't we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am awaiting a little missle from Susan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I don't know if you have posted with her much, but she is coool. She really is. And she is nosey as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a good weekend.

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Susan DID listen to people when in her A. She is just getting Sooooooo old she doesn't remember that she did. Hi.! Susan. Got your back don't worry about a thing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just Learning...you smarty... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (yes, I listened to you.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But, not at the beginning, I didn't (listen). I didn't begin to listen until the pain of continuing like I was became to great, and it took me a loooong time before I began to hear . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You will always be one of my favorites....and yes, I'm getting soooooooooooo old I forget lots of stuff. Comes in handy sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Susan

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

MISSLE LAUNCHED!!!

...and thanks for the compliment!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And she is nosey as well.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know what you are referring to, but you can't find out anything unless you ASK!

Why no one asked before me is beyond me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Have a great weekend yourself!

My wonderful hubby has just come home from working out of town most of the week and I am so happy to see him. You never thought we would see this day a few years back huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Susan

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Hmmm...I believe I'm going to make my H very happy to see me tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Actually, talking about all of this together has just given us renewed appreciation for where we are today.

When we were going through our problems one of his less-than-helpful sisters (there are 6, and 4 boys) told him this never would have happend if we had gotten married in the catholic church. Well...wonder what she has to say about this? Both M&J are Catholic and were married in the catholic church.

Just goes to show...humans are HUMAN...no race, religion or otherwise is immune.

H4F:

"Actually, talking about all of this together has just given us renewed appreciation for where we are today. "

Then, even if you never send that letter, the work you put in2 it was good for YOU (and your friend that helped you organize it... ...and us!).

I had thought 2 suggest that maybe you paraphrase what Weiner-Davis and Harley have said, precisely so it doesn't sound so much like "education" and DOES sound like you giving some of your hard-earned knowledge 2 them.

Also, that you haven't heard from you SIL might suggest she is a bit overwhelmed by the books... ...but more likely by her H's behavior.

2dles,
-2long

Susan, Hope4,

You two ladies have a good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> weekend. Enquiring minds will NOT enquire. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Susan, you know I always felt you would get to where you are today. Honestly, I always did. There was something in your posts, in your choice of words, I don't know what, but it was there, that said this would work out.

Not only did you save your marriage, you have done a lot to save others. Just a Hope4 is trying with her in-laws. It is one of the coolest things about this site and why I keep reading and posting.

It is so uplifting to see you and others find your heart and your balance, and then make things work. Frankly, your successes gives me more than you realize.

You two should be very proud of yourselves.

Now 2L and I are going to tip a few in a month or so, and see if you can solve the problems of the universe, or perhaps a rock or so.

Must go have a good weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL

Well, the ball is rolling. I gave SIL a week to absorb our initial email conversations. I emailed her last night just to 'check in', make sure she got the books, and to apologize again in case I'd overwhelmed her with information. I let her know how much we care about them and don't want to see them divorced. I told her I'd written a letter and asked for permission to send it to both of them. I offered to email it to her first, so she could preview it. She responded back pretty well. I think she suspects he's having an A as well. She said he won't even speak of reconciliation. She's not sure, herself, at this point if she could forgive him if that were the case. I told her I understand that, but to please give it some thought. That many marriages go through this and DO reconcile and HAPPILY.

I sent her the letter, and asked her to PLEASE consider letting me send it. I also sent her some tips as to how to interact with him, for now. Not bringing up relationship talk, avoid arguing if at all possible, when he starts to talk about the hopelessness of it all, AGREE with him but express that you wish it were differently, try to praise him if at all possible...etc...

I told her that if she weren't comfortable talking openly to us, I might refer her to some of YOU! She might feel more comfortable talking to a stranger, than to family. We'll see.

H4F,

You have mail.

Also I read your lettr in this post and thought that it was excellent. Hopefully the recipient will take in and understand the depth of what you are trying to tell them.

Now What