Three years ago, my husband had a friendship with a female coworker that was 12 years his junior. He works in a factory setting that is mostly male dominated. The guys began to joke that this girl was his girlfriend and some asked him if he was "hitting it" with her.

He came home one day and told me that the guys at work were all saying he had a girlfriend. While he had female friends at work before, I became very uncomfortable with this situation because it was appearing to be growing into more than a friendship. I told my spouse I was uncomfortable with the situation, but he did not stop the friendship. After several months of what I considered to be innappropriate behavior for a married man (at least the one married to me),I threatened to leave my husband. He was surprised and told the people he works with (and her)how I felt. Still, not much changed at work, but he and I fought a lot about it at home. After about a month of this, she stopped talking with him and told one of his coworkers that she was "sick of hearing about his marriage problems". The day this happened, he came home drunk and told me what she had said. He was practically in tears and told me that it's only been a day, but he misses her. He then fell asleep on the floor leaving me feeling devastated. He maintained for years that this was just a friendship and that he has not been in contact with her for two years.

For the past two years, I have been unable to get over this because she still works at his company and just a general gnawing feeling about the whole situation. I just couldn't understand how this was only a friendship. I would ask him to talk with me about it, but it often ended in fights. We started to go to marriage counseling recently and I told my husband and the counselor that I needed to understand the friendship before I could get over it.

To make a long story short, my husband finally said that it was all about his ego and had nothing to do with me. He claims that it really wasn't her, but it was the attention he was getting from all the guys because they saw this young girl that they perceived to be hot paying attention to my husband.

Even though I know the truth now, I am deeply, deeply hurt by this to my very soul. He claims our marriage was good, but I can't understand why it wasn't enough for him to stay away from this behavior. I asked him why he didn't stop when I was telling him how much it was hurting me. He says that he just couldn't understand it. I am so embarrassed to be anywhere near his coworkers (even after two years). I feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm the one with the cheating husband. Knowing he is a married man, why would his coworkers encourage what was going on? I feel like I want to die.

This feels like an affair to me. Was it an affair? If not please tell me what you think it is and please share any advice that you think might help me work through this horrible situation.

Thank you.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: ReneeStephanie ]</small>

bump...please anyone respond.....

That's a difficult one, because the real answers are in your husbands head.

There are better ways to have one's ego stroked than what has been described. For instance, it's nice to know that other people find you attractive..but when you act on that than it's a different story.

Have you guys gone over what your Emotional Needs are? Is there something missing between you?

It sure was an affair, an EA(emotional affair) to be more specific.

The best advice I can give you is that your H look for another place of employment or be transferred to a different department. I know in this economic climate, finding another job is extremely difficult but it is very toxic for a marriage for one spouse to be working in an environment where fellow co-workers encourage each other to have affairs. I seriously beleive that it would help you tremendously in your personal recovery if your H earnestly looks for work at another company.

Has he considered getting another job at another company? A fresh start would make things simpler for both of you.

You say, "I feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm the one with the cheating husband." Don't know how big a factor this is for you, but all betrayed spouses have to get over this one. Just keep remembering, he is the one with the ego problem.

To respond to both posters, my husband claims that our marriage was fine--nothing missing. He says it was all about how this attention made him feel. Yesterday, he told me it was not about me at all. He claims it was not even about the girl. It was just made him feel good. I guess at my expense. That's why I'm just not sure if it really is an affair. To the second poster, the option of him changing jobs is next to impossible. He never attended college or took up a trade and has no marketable skills. He gets paid extremely well for a laborer position. Put into the mix that we have a beautiful baby boy to support really makes it even tougher. I do work, but both incomes are vital to meet the most basic of bills.

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: ReneeStephanie ]</small>

From what you have said it sounds like your husband had an emotional affair. A younger woman saw him as a desirable person pumped up his ego and showed him attention and he could not walk away. Additionally, he got respect, even if it was wrong, from his male coworkers.

As you have experienced, betrayal deeply hurts and the hurt just doesn’t magically disappear when the EA is over. And emotional bond between you and your husband has been broken or at least badly bruised. Continue to talk about the EA and explore your feeling of betrayal and lingering doubts. You might want to talk to your doctor about your feeling. Perhaps, there is medication that can help on a temporary basis. As you progress in counseling your pain will get much better. I know that it doesn’t seem possible at the moment but the pain does get better. Don’t give up hope!

Beau

RS:

From this post, I agree with 2much & sonofwf on that your H did have an EA of some sort. Apparently, one of his top EN's is attention even if H told u that there was nothing missing from ur marriage.

I know that having your H in daily contact with this girl is not the best of situations, and goes against Harley principles, but don't lose hope. Continue to see your counselor. If you haven't already, set-up boundaries and explain to your H that he must make u feel safe and secure, since he can't or is unwilling to change jobs.

Take care!

Flaca

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ReneeStephanie:
<strong> To respond to both posters, my husband claims that our marriage was fine--nothing missing. He says it was all about how this attention made him feel. Yesterday, he told me it was not about me at all. He claims it was not even about the girl. It was just made him feel good. I guess at my expense. That's why I'm just not sure if it really is an affair. To the second poster, the option of him changing jobs is next to impossible. He never attended college or took up a trade and has no marketable skills. He gets paid extremely well for a laborer position. Put into the mix that we have a beautiful baby boy to support really makes it even tougher. I do work, but both incomes are vital to meet the most basic of bills. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U hit the nail on the head when you said: "He claims it was not even about the girl. It was just made him feel good. I guess at my expense."

U see an EA is a selfish act. Does he think a marriage can be healthy if one spouse is this selfish? Ask him.

Read the concepts section above. Then read the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr W. Harley. Both of you take the emotional needs questionnaire. If he won't you do it once as you and once as him.

See if you can schedule a phone counseling session or 2 with Steve Harley.

Let us know how you are doing.

Thank you to everyone for your responses. Orchid, yes I do agree that he was selfish. However, some days I'm not sure if my anger and resentment are towards him for being so selfish or toward this girl for KNOWING he was married and still acting like a complete company whore!

Just recently I spoke with another woman he works with. She tried to explain this situation in her perspective. She said that this girl flirts with everyone as a way to get attention. She isn't sure why the guys fall all over her because she has a big ol' heiny and a rotten tooth in her mouth! But, they do. She said she personally cannot stand her because in all aspects of her life she takes whatever she wants with little or no consideration for anyone. So, I guess this explains why she paid such little respect to the fact that my husband was married. Still, I am deeply hurt that he stooped to this level of cheapness.....

Thank you to everyone for your responses. Orchid, yes I do agree that he was selfish. However, some days I'm not sure if my anger and resentment are towards him for being so selfish or toward this girl for KNOWING he was married and still acting like a complete company whore!

Just recently I spoke with another woman he works with. She tried to explain this situation in her perspective. She said that this girl flirts with everyone as a way to get attention. She isn't sure why the guys fall all over her because she has a big ol' heiny and a rotten tooth in her mouth! But, they do. She said she personally cannot stand her because in all aspects of her life she takes whatever she wants with little or no consideration for anyone. So, I guess this explains why she paid such little respect to the fact that my husband was married. Still, I am deeply hurt that he stooped to this level of cheapness.....

RS,

I think you have every right to be angry at both of them for their actions. It seems from your post that this EA (and IMHO that is exactly what it was) has been over for a couple years now. Are you absolutely sure of that and, if so, what are his feelings about her? Is he still missing her in some way and that is getting in the way of your recovery? Others here are much more accustomed than I am at giving advice but the one piece I will give is that you and he sit down and lay out the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behaviour in your M. Present it in a loving way and give him a chance to talk about his expectations as well. It can be done without fighting. Read up on negotiating in M and get talking about it without the LB's and you may find that your healing process will along much faster.

He actually said the other night that if he could take it all back he would. The woman he works with (Robyn) that talked to me about the tramp(Nicole) also said that she thinks he regrets ever spending time with her and that he now does avoid her at work. So, I guess I'm cautiously certain that he is "over" whatever it is he had for/with/about her.

I do get very angry at both of them. I told Robyn that I would really like to confront Nicole as to why she would act in such a way that was destroying a marriage. Robyn told me that Nicole is the type of slut that wouldn't care. I suppose in essence that this whole thing was probably not just about my husband's ego, but Nicole's ego, too. Afterall, when you're 24 your thinking that anyone in their mid-late thirties is "old". Maybe she was getting off on turning on an "old" guy. Probably bragged to her friends. I wonder if my husband looked at their "friendship" this way if he would still think it was so sexy and ego building! LOL