To summarize my situation, my husband became very attached to a younger, female coworker about 3 years ago. He works in a factory dominated by males. They all joked and asked whether or not he was "hitting it" with this girl because she was always around him. He came home drunk one evening (he is not a drinker) and was crying because she was upset with him and did not want to talk to him. He told me that it had only been a day, but that he misses her. This (and many other things that happened) all made me uncomfortable and I asked him to end the friendship because it seemed like it was becoming more than a friendship. He did not do this because he said that there was nothing going on between them and that they were only friends. It was only when I threatened to divorce him that he agreed to no contact. However, they still work together. He adamantly denies that they were ever more than friends. My gut tells me that it was more. We have reached a plato in marriage counseling because he denies any feelings for her and I feel he is lying.

I have never talked to the OW. I was thinking about waiting for him after work and (together with him standing right there)ask her if she was ever involved with my husband. I just need to know the answer. Good or bad. I want to hear other people's thoughts and if anyone has ever done anything like this. I know people say that no good can come of confronting the OW, but after three years I need to do something to try to move forward.

Thanks for listening.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: ReneeStephanie ]</small>

RS,

I too confronted the OP during my STBXW's long-term EA and it did little to no good. As I recall, this woman is not the most caring person in the world and would probably not be honest with you in any case. If she really is a trouble maker and said something was going on, could you rely on that?

From what you have said in your other posts, it is not possible for your H to change jobs so contact between him and the OW is probably inevitable. Is that the only fact that bothers you or have there been any other indications? If I recall correctly, it was quite some time ago that he came home drunk and was upset because he missed her. Have there been any indications since to convince you that he has feelings for her or is it only the continued contact at work?

B

B,
Yes, it has been a while since the night he came home drunk. There hasn't been anything new. It's just that awful, gnawing feeling knowing that he is at the same place she is at at least 8 hours a day. Because I was completely blindsided when this happened the first time, I have this natural instinct to try to protect myself now. Believe me, I NEVER saw it coming the first time. I guess that's why I have days like today where I just fall apart. God, I wish he could change jobs, but he really does have no marketable skills and with a 10 month old baby and tons of bills,changing his job just does not seem possible.

He says he wants me and our marriage to work. Even in the midst of everything happening, I never doubted that. My husband is a cake eater--in every aspect of his life. This makes me worry that this behavior will resurface again. I guess that I am probably having doubts as to whether I want the marriage to work. He has put me through such incredible hell over the past three years. I just can't figure out if I love him enough to want to continue working through this mess.

The word impossible is often a sign of something that you CAN change, and something in you resists it.

So... what would it take to get your husband out of that job? You have a 10 month old baby and so do I, so I know exactly how hard it is to contemplate it.

Nonetheless. Do you need his income? Do you have an income? Have you implemented Plan A, with a goal of no contact (including a new job for him)? Have you told him calmly, courteously, and respectfully, how you feel?

What's it going to take for you to be able to do those things? And what's it going to take for you to keep working on your marriage even as you're beginning to have doubts?

Once you start to doubt it yourself, you become as much a dangr to your marriage as he is. Be very, very careful here. If you're losing that much love for him, your Plan A time frame needs to be chosen carefully.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

RS,

If there hasn't been anything new since that incident and if you truly believe that he wants you and wants your marriage to work, then it would seem that the issues you need to work through are internal issues for yourself. There is a healing process that you have to go through from his EA. It will mean anger and doubts and insecurity, but if you truly want your marriage to work, you can get through it. I guess that is the first question you need to ask yourself - Do YOU want this marriage to work. In your post you say you are not sure and wonder if you love him enough to continue. Remember the day you got married and how much in love you were? It IS possible to rebuild that level of love in your M, you just BOTH need to make that commitment. That will mean putting the past in the past and looking forward to the future. I am not saying you should forget what happened and "just get over it", just that you should focus on what is now and what will come, not what has passed.

How is your level of communication with your H? Talking openly and without LBer's about his A will help tremendously with your healing. You also need a much higher level of reassurance from him now. Have you made him aware of that? If so, how is he responding?

Please keep one thing in mind as you go forward. You once loved this man enough to commit to him "till death do us part." Your level of love for him has undoubtedly lowered but it CAN be recovered, if you truly want it to.

B