I've been coming to this site for over a year now but always post on the EN forum. I know it won't take long for some of the regular posters over there to "find me" here and claw my eyes out over what I'm about to say, but I don't care anymore. I'm not trying to hide, but I've been reading more and more over here and you all seem to have a better...perspective on these issues...so I thought I'd come here for advice. I don't care how this comes across anymore. I have no one else to talk to [edit].

My H and I have been together for 3 years, married for 2. I became pregnant 3 months into our relationship and we were married 5 months later. I went into the marriage kicking and screaming. I did NOT want to get married. He did. I had been trying to break up with him, but...things happen and I ended up pregnant. I did not feel that I had any other options so I married him. For a few months we coasted along until our dd was born. Then he went completely crazy. He has been labeled as a "sex addict" by more than one professional. The past 2 years have been a whirlwind of lies and deciet and perversion. We have gone to several counselors, he has been to a specialist, I have been in IC for the past year, the list goes on. He is in the military so he has been gone for the majority of the time since we have been married. When he HAS been home, it has been hell. He shows me glimmers of the wonderful potential he has, but quickly retreats back into his dark and deluded self. He lies constantly. Spends money we don't have. Can't keep his hand out of his pants for 10 minutes. Looks for porn wherever he can find it if I leave the room to go to the bathroom or take a shower. And I do not deprive him sexually, never have. I take care of my appearance. He has a problem. I have been faithful to him and waited for him all along. I feel like[edit] about myself, and I have never had the best self-esteem. This has completely crushed it. I think I have finally come to the point of realizing (for the most part) that it is not my fault though.

Then he left several weeks ago in an incredibly ugly and hateful way. After all he had already put me through[edit]". I cried for a good 3 days and then I was over it. I had been preparing myself for awhile, and I was finally ready to let go. I did not think he was coming back. I could not hold on anymore. All of the disgust, the anger, the intense shame and hurt I felt over all he had put me through was destroying me. I couldn't do it anymore. I met someone else and we started hanging out. Then H walked back in one day and was "ready to come home". I was shocked and honestly, didn't want him to come back. For the next month, I continued to stay detached. I could not let myself be hurt again. I was sick of it all. I continued hanging out with this other guy, and working, and basically treating H as a roommmate. Then we decided to divorce. He said I had "finally pushed him away" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> OK, sure. So he moved out again.

I am busy and happy with life in general. H and I are still friendly with eachother, he comes over and watches dd (if I beg him hard enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and I have gotten the divorce process started. I stay very busy and have an active social life. I feel free.

But now, he wants to get back together. This is all such a [edit] mess, I can't even believe it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get back with him, I feel I have already moved on, but part of me still feels bad about cutting him off. I guess I'm writing this more as a vent than to get actual advice. I know I've made a lot of mistakes. I am staying with my family over the holidays and am bored out of my mind, so maybe that's what prompted me to spew all of this out. Who knows. I don't really have a problem telling him about this other guy, it happened after we decided to split up anyways. He even said "if you're gonna have sex with anyone else, just be careful" so I think he suspected I would not wait for him any longer. After all he's put me through, I feel he's been "asking for it" all along (what a horrible way to look at it huh?) but really, he pushed me way beyond the point of no return. I did not in any way get involved with anyone else to "prove" anything to him, I honestly thought it was over between us. He walked out and that was the last straw for me. I had resigned myself to that fact, I had no more energy left in me to prove anything to anyone. I was just going along with the natural progress of things and I don't regret it. There is no future for me and this current "OM" but I'm sure I will move on and date other people. I'm just confused about what the heck is going on between us now. I feel like a complete a$$ to take him back "yet again" but don't really have the energy to create a big fuss and refuse to let him come back in. If he wants to come home, then whatever. I don't care. Ugh.

So there it is. Go ahead, bring it. Am I deluded? Sick? In a "fog"? Do I need "professional help"? Lol. Godhelpme.

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

Marriedgirl I am no expert by any means, but I have read many of your posts so I do know your story.

No you are not deluded, sick or in a fog. As for the professional help... only you know if that appears to be helping or not.

My advice to you would be to take things slow and don't make any final decisions until you are absolutely sure about what it is you want.

In my opinion you have short changed yourself long enough and it is time for you to have what you need and deserve.

Be good to yourself for a change... take the time to find out exactly what it is you want.

Good Luck!

Thanks for responding Susan. I'm still not really sure why I chose to post all of that, but whatever. I don't mind getting it all out there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay here is the biggest 2 X 4 I can come up with.

If indeed the marriage was beyond repair and divorcing was what you wanted then fine. But its hard to make such a decision objectively when a third person has entered the picture.

I have no problem with marriages ending if they cannot be saved. Half of all first marriages end in divorce. But the worst I can say is you should have waited until the divorce was final before becoming involved with another person.

He is and will always be the father of your child and that is why I think it would have been better for all involved for divorcing first new relationships second.

Thanks stunned...you're right. However, I am not serius about this other person and knew going into it that he will be moving away soon (and so will I) and we will most likely never speak again in a matter of weeks/months. I'm not kidding myself. We just have a good time together and he has shown me that there ARE other men out there who are NOT like my H. I know it wasn't the best way to go about it...*ideally* I would have waited until the D is final, etc. I guess it was an "exit affair" as you all say because in my mind, the M was over LONG before I met anyone else. Thanks though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MG,

The only reason why you would receive flames from this admission is not for the admission itself. When you first came here, you were gung ho that WS’s should be thrown to the curb. You received support and were told what this site was all about. But, you betrayed that support.

You posted your picture and men were all gaga. Fine, that‘s the men‘s problem. So what. Except for the fact that you kept referring to this as an anonymous board. When you post your picture, plus your whole family’s picture, plus detail things about where you live, post your email and meet with divorced men from the site alone, you are no longer anonymous.

Then, when you talk about your boob doctor and post a picture for the sole purpose of having the folks here check to see if you need the operation or not (which is totally elective when no disease is present, and isn’t necessary no matter how you cut it--sorry), you are not anonymous, nor are you innocuous. When you post almost exclusively to sex threads and paint in grotesque detail what you do and how great you are at it, you are no longer an innocuous poster. When you call out MEN, and almost exclusively men, you are not innocuous. (Let’s see, Maverick, Issachar, hurting Promise Keeper, Mortarman, Susan’s Man--where is he btw?)

When you abandon a thread because it’s not going the way you want, you’re an abusing poster. When it seems you are using the board for the reason of getting justification for affairs or leaving your H, you are viewed as, and perhaps ARE, an abusing poster.

When you deny over and over that you are not posting at this site to fulfill your need for admiration, then admit that you get that filled here and elsewhere and have a HIGH need for it, you are not an honest poster. When you say that sex was looked upon with disgust when you were small, though you were sexually abused, your mother told you to masturbate and you were extremely active from the age of 12, you are not an honest poster. When one poster’s husband talks about how she is a cutter and the one and only time you talk about cutting is just after that, you are not an honest poster. When you correct people on your age constantly (as if youth is an admiration point for you) when they are only 1 year off, but fudge a little on the details of your anorexia by 5 lbs, you are not an honest poster.

When you point out one poster’s explicit posts, without recognizing your own, you lack integrity. When you claim that there is a "world-wide female conspiracy" against you, even when women from this website support you as long as they can and with the most care but continue to "give credit" as you said you do, you lack integrity. When you make subtle statements criticizing other posters with the hopes that it will sting but demand that they confront you in the open, you lack integrity. When you tell Star you respect her, but do not heed her counsel and do not seek it, you lack integrity.

When you claim to want to work on your marriage, but slam your H every chance you get, emotionally pet sex-starved men and flaunt on this board, talking about boudoir photos, asking how to crop a pic and 5 min, or less, later posting a pic that could be contrived as one, you are a dangerous poster. When you come on this website, attacking the principles and slamming the posters here, then asking them to "play because [you’re] bored" the next day, if even that, you’re using this site (as you always have) for your own pleasure and are a dangerous poster.

I could probably go on, but I’m done now. I just thought that before these people get too emotionally involved with you, they should know what they’re getting into.

Am I bitter? No. If I was, I would use the words that you do when someone says something you don’t like. When someone hints the slightest of something you don’t like, you slam them much harder than the hit you were dealt (violating TOS, to boot). A simple search will turn it up.

I have abstained from your threads because I saw that you didn’t want help. I wanted to believe that you did. You blame everyone but yourself for the quandary you are in, taking no responsibility for your own actions. It’s your H’s fault for how he treats you, it’s the posters’ faults for not sugar-coating everything, it’s your parent’s fault for whatever, but you claimed that you were prone to violence, throwing things at him (once is too many), sexually deviant of your own accord, etc. I’m certain we’re only getting part of the story and you’re not the wife you want us to believe you are. You do not take responsibility. You even tried to transfer guilt to me by claiming that you’re sorry you aren’t where I am. Of course you’re not, but I was where you are and was trying to help you get where I am and beyond that, sparing you some of the hardships. If you even want to get there, I don’t know. But I also suggested others who could help. Are you still contacting them? Who are the ones helping you? It’s not my business, because I’m done...completely. You won’t have to worry about me anymore.

I just want to implore you with this last advice. MG, please get some good, solid, serious help. Desire that help and turn yourself into the wonderful woman you can be. This site is not helping and I don’t think you will get the kind of help you need here. I hope that the friends you’ve made here will help you through and I really hope you will get that help...somehow.

With my best wishes and last prayers,

Petals

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I bitter? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LMAO!!!!!!!! Are you SERIOUS?
For you to say that I take no responsiblity Petals shows just how much YOU lack crediblity. I cannot count the number of times I have mentioned how many things I have done wrong, HELLO, this post?! The mere fact that I mentioned the time that I threw my H's book at him? The times I have admitted to getting angry, being hurt, saying things I shouldn't have? How is that not taking responsibility? I have never known what YOUR problem is Petals, although you seem to know all of mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What I did know all along, as many others do, is that I didn't want anything that you had to offer. That does NOT mean I didn't want help and advice, just that I didn't want help and advice from YOU. Can you not see why I wouldn't? Get off your self-righteous pedestal and come down to earth with the rest of us hun.

BTW, there are many posters I have spoken to that have not sugarcoated ANYTHING and I have gained tremendous amounts of wisdom and guidance from them. Maybe the problem really is you, have you ever thought of that? Kinda like on someone's third divorce, how they keep claiming it's everyone ELSE'S fault that their marriages aren't working out...maybe there's a reason people aren't responsive to YOU (and I know for a fact I'm not the only one).

I will not argue the details of your post, although some things did make me laugh. You all can think what you will. I think calling me a liar or dishonest is pretty ludacrious considering the fact that I have poured out my soul here on the board and that is exactly what I have been attacked on more than anything else. [edit]

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

For those of you who are reading this who haven't kept up with the ongoing drama of my "stay" here, I apologize for bringing it to this forum. I will now bow out, as gracefully as I can.

ZP,

Well Said!

I have been wondering when it was going to become obvious to someone other than myself.

I have posted for months in this regard and once thought I had a breakthrough...only for her diversionary tactics to start once again.

Kudos to you for saying it with respect, kindness, and honesty.

committed

Then he left several weeks ago in an incredibly ugly and hateful way. After all he had already put me through[edit]. I cried for a good 3 days and then I was over it. I had been preparing myself for awhile, and I was finally ready to let go

I have been "preaching" this advice for a long time about the power of letting go and what usually always happens when the WS senses that you have given up....

RESULTS OF LETTING GO
But now, he wants to get back together. This is all such a [edit] mess, I can't even believe it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get back with him, I feel I have already moved on, but part of me still feels bad about cutting him off.


So, for those that want to flame you, I find it interesting that YOU have the choice of what you want to do with the situation. Sounds to me like that should be viewed as a success instead of them looking and self righteously finding all they can to attack you....

I am busy and happy with life in general. H and I are still friendly with eachother, he comes over and watches dd (if I beg him hard enough ) and I have gotten the divorce process started. I stay very busy and have an active social life. I feel free

This is where you should keep your focus. Quit going back to the bad habit of "looking and finding the bad" or needing something to worry about. It gets you nothing but pain and agony...

Look for the good, find the good. Be glad that you and the H are friendly. Your self esteem seems to be getting better, so continue on the path of having good self esteem....

I don't know what to do. I don't want to get back with him, I feel I have already moved on, but part of me still feels bad about cutting him off.

Who says you have to do anything at this time? If and when you do make a decision, then make it and accept it without "worry or guilt". You are allowed to give up, and you are allowed to move on. It is your decision. You are doing just fine and seem to be coming to a good place emotionally...

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

So, for those that want to flame you, I find it interesting that YOU have the choice of what you want to do with the situation. Sounds to me like that should be viewed as a success instead of them looking and self righteously finding all they can to attack you....

That is where you are mistaken...she is not being flamed. Unless you have been in on this continuing drama and saga for the past 15 months, you cannot possibly know the desperate need for this HONEST post.

I continued hanging out with this other guy

He even said "if you're gonna have sex with anyone else, just be careful" so I think he suspected I would not wait for him any longer. After all he's put me through, I feel he's been "asking for it" all along (what a horrible way to look at it huh?) but really, he pushed me way beyond the point of no return. I did not in any way get involved with anyone else to "prove" anything

There is no future for me and this current "OM" but I'm sure I will move on and date other people.

Of all the things you addressed....why did you not address THOSE things. She is having an affair...she has an OM.

This post on EN Question for the Men is very clear to what is happening and I don't think those things can be dismissed.

Respectfully JMHO
committed

MG, No flames here. I'm married to an addict who struggles with his recovery. If he were openly abusing like your H is, I'd kick his fanny to the curb. It's very draining.

As far as your sitch goes, you may want to look into an S-Anon program, as you will still have to relate to this man as the father of your daughter for a very long time - school graduations, weddings, her children, etc.

But I'd also recommend you look into a SLAA recovery program for yourself because you demonstrate a lot of compulsively self-destructive behaviors yourself. For example:

* You've run to another sexually active relationship instead of giving yourself time to heal.

* You've "enhanced" a perfectly good body, with the specific purpose of being more sexually attractive.

* You've violated yourself in your relationship with your husband for the purpose of feeling loved and admired.

* Compulsive behaviors here on the board continuing to demonstrate a strong need for love and admiration.

* etc.

Kasey posted a link to SLAA on one of the threads he's been posting on - I think it was the lovebuster anonymous thread.

If you want to be free of the shackles of compulsive need for admiration, I strongly recommend you discover why you married your husband in the first place; why you're going after another sexual relationship now, while you are still married to someone else, and why you are simply not happy to be at peace with yourself as you are.

For your daughter's sake, please check out the link.

Thank you for the responses. I am and will continue in IC.
Thank you Kayla, I will check out the link

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: marriedgirl ]</small>

MG, I mod on this forum too. You know your posts are often reported, you know profanity is among the reasons your posts are reported. I've edited this thread, but as you've said before, we're adults here...and profanity remains against the terms of service.

mg:

Have you learned nothing over the past year? Is this thread an attempt at radical honesty? Or is it based on an insatiable addiction to the drama?

"I am not serius about this other person and knew going into it that he will be moving away soon (and so will I) and we will most likely never speak again in a matter of weeks/months."

How utterly convenient! Might as well have your needs met by someone without strings as someone with, right? Wouldn't it be great if all potential A-partners could sign a mu2al "non-serious" agreement before crossing the line? That way, the line isn't a line at all! ...you're hurting your daughter by setting a bad example. You know all this, though.

"I'm not kidding myself. We just have a good time together and he has shown me that there ARE other men out there who are NOT like my H."

No, there are men out there that are worse than your H, because they are willing 2 cheat with you, knowing you're still Md. Define "hanging out" and "just have a good time" 2gether. I gather from other admissions here and elsewhere, that you're involved in a PA, right?

"in my mind, the M was over LONG before I met anyone else."

Maybe before it even started. MG, you ALSO know that this is typical fog-latin. My W said this 2 me, 2. Look, maybe it was a mistake getting Md in the first place, but the simple fact is that's what you did. You still are, and you know, from over a year's posting 2 this forum, that what you are doing now, seemingly out of a foolish impatience for meaningless sexual gratification, is unhealthy for you, your STBXH, and most importantly your daughter.

-ol' 2long

Mg,

I was here for your first post. And I’ve been here throughout your whole stay. You know me, and I hope you know I’m not a mean or vindictive person. I think you’re physically beautiful, and have been blessed in that regard even though you do not see it. I don’t have a personal grudge against you, but I understand why you rub some folks the wrong way. You say you are done with the board, but I think you need this board….I really do. I think you like it here and I’d like to see you rebuild some credibility, if you’re willing. Can we go through this together? Can we figure out why you seem to get in trouble on this board without you feeling like you’re being attacked? I’d like to try. I’d like to try and explain the dynamics (as I see them…..and granted, I’m not omnipotent or the wisest person here….but I have tried very hard to guide you in your struggles and defend you/help you/talk to you….both on and off of this board.) I’m more than twice your age, and yes, sometimes that means I mother you a bit….(yikes)sorry. It also means I take up for you…..and yeah, it even means I give you some flack. I tell you the things I would tell my daughter, who is very close in age to you. So I’m going to start from the beginning…..and I hope you’ll stick with me….hear me…..give me a chance to help you understand. Even if you don’t respond…..I hope you read this.

One day you showed up here…..full of youth, excitement, hope, pain and need. You were lonely and you were struggling. You were received very well, because you seemed to really want to work on your marriage…..in spite of your problems, in spite of the circumstances of your marriage, the long separation while H was in the military…..and in spite of your youth. Then came the infamous picture.

You hadn’t been here very long (a week or two perhaps)…..and the reaction to the picture was mixed along gender lines. Mg, the picture was pretty, really nice and modest (and for the record…I have no IDEA what this blather about topless photos is!)….there was NOTHING wrong with that photograph…..I said it then….and I’ll say it now. It was unusual for a poster to put up a picture (at that time…long before the “let’s see you thread was the big thang)…..but the picture was sweet. The first round of reactions came from the men…..all the va va va vooms etc. (typical male response to a pretty girl from a bunch of older, mostly horny guys). Then, came the female response….they didn’t know you at that point, but they did know the issues of some of the men and this whole photo thingie was atypical at that time (for an individual poster…..especially such a new pretty one). There had been pictures on the board before….but mostly families and babies. (btw…LWFC DID take all kinds of flack about being naked LOL….and Seven for being in a swimsuit hehehehhehe) . Nobody even commented on your “let’s see you” picture that I recall.

But anyway…..the picture was a source of controversy….mainly because the guys were all agog at your youth and beauty, and it seemed as though you were kinda interested in showing off. I remember coming on at that time, and telling you that it was customary for posters to discourage close relationships with men and women on the board…..because of the nature of dealing with infidelity blah blah blah. In the end….the lines were drawn. You became defensive, and many posters became wary…..mainly women posters….guess it sent up their radar. The male posters thought you were adorable….sexy….young….vulnerable and possibly available. Yes, I said possibly available, because that is what you projected whether you realize it or not. You mentioned over and over about how you didn’t know if you could wait for your H to come home. Didn’t know if you loved him. Were thinking about other guys and that you were being propositioned a lot. It did sound like you were looking and that you were very very weak….and you were. Therein lies part of the problem….you seemed hungry for attention, and unfortunately….in many ways you’ve had a bit of captive audience LOL. Again, not really your fault….but a recognizable dynamic of the board….and one that you could have shown sensitivity to….and chose not to. It made you feel good enough to have the praise which you were lacking, to ignore the uproar and adjust your thinking and the impact of how you were perceived.

I really hoped, that from that rocky beginning….you might recognize that a conflict existed and do your best to minimize it by posting to lots of people, learning the concepts, helping people, and showing a commitment to your marriage that would make this all go away and show you in a better light. That didn’t happen. Instead, it just got worse and you seemed oblivious to the fact that you were escalating the conflict. How? Well, I’ll try to explain.

This is where it gets complex, because it happened over a long time and many posts. In the course of a year and more…..a pattern emerged. It wasn’t a pattern that made the conflict go away….it was a pattern that fueled the conflict because you began posting mainly to men. When anyone challenged the fact that you seemed overly familiar….you cried foul and the calvary stepped in and defended you because it became just so easy to blame every darn thing on that picture. Wasn’t it? Talking to men may have been the natural consequence considering the initial conflict with the women….but that’s how it emerged. Still, there were a lot of ladies who came to your defense back then and continued to support you. You and I used to email during that time, and I really tried to give you confidence and direction when I saw you getting in trouble…..but you know, you march to the beat of different drummer (which isn’t all bad…..just not very conducive to serious marriage building or recovering from infidelity.)

You have been poked, prodded, analyzed, ostrasized your whole life…so it probably seemed pretty normal huh? Like high school only with better vocabularies LOL. You like attention. You like to flirt…..it’s your nature, and if it made some folks uncomfortable…so what? You were going to be yourself and give what you got. In a chat room or social setting it would be an asset….but on a marriage board it became a huge liability. You have shown a real insensitivity about how the things you do and say…..affect other people trying to rebuild their marriages. Your blanket refusal to accept the suggestions by others that some of your posts were very inappropriate has shown a lack of regard and respect for the posters and their goal here. Let me tell you how.

Explicitness….Because so many men and women on the EN board are struggling with sexual issues…..your posts became a bit of an assault on both of them. To the men, you became all that they wished their wives to be (sexy, available, even willing to have extra people involved) only many of them are struggling to get any sex at all. It was a constant reminder of what they couldn’t have and shouldn’t want. It piqued their interest, but didn’t help their dilemma. To the women, perhaps you were all that they couldn’t be or didn’t believe in….you sounded more like an OW than a wife I think to many….and the interest of the men became unsettling to the board. I cannot tell you how often I cringed when you’d write something sure to get you slammed. None of that your problem….but you have never recognized or acknowledged that by writing so explicitly….that perhaps you caused people to be uncomfortable….and you never made any effort to stop or consider their feelings. True or not….you seemed to enjoy the praise the men piled on…..and battling the women who thought you were trolling for attention. Your posts got more rather than less explicit over time. You alluded to extra marital affairs (or at the very least inappropriate behavior) and fantasies repeatedly. To the men, it was exciting (but in an unhealthy way perhaps marriages) To the women, it was a blatant disregard for sanctity of marriage and building.. Until finally….you seemed to choose topics that were bonafide guaranteed to cause conflict. The stuff about the boob job, or the thread about how men would feel if their wife stripped comes to mind. You of course denied on that thread that you ever wanted to strip yourself…..but you have implied it elsewhere….which leads to the next thing.

Inconsistency…If every poster here was put under a microscope and every word analyzed and weighed against all the others…..I doubt any of us would manage to be uniformly consistent. The inconsistencies in your posts are nothing like this…..they are profound. Some of this is your emotion, youth, etc…..and some of it is that you just don’t know what you want….including your marriage. I understand that. And it’s okay to change your mind…..the challenge comes when you expect credibility in the face of all these wild swings in desire and design. Nobody really knows what you want mg….and it causes mistrust and misunderstanding because you don’t explain it….you just get angry and defensive.

Infidelity….. I have heard from lots of folks off board that you email men from this site….including men who say so. I also know things you have told me privately that are definitely inappropriate. That hurts your credibility….but worse….it gives the appearance of someone who is using this board to form attachments that are unhealthy for marriages…yours AND theirs. There is no way anyone who is serious about marriage is going to ignore that. Maybe it’s all just a big, ugly…vicious rumor….stranger things have happened. The problem is that I know from our emails that at least some of it is true….and so it’s gotten hard to separate truth from fiction anymore. More and more….your posts evolved into single conversations with men, responses to threads that were sexually explicit, or threads asking for male opinions. Occasionally you would find a new woman who you could talk to…..but that was a rarity. Now you are actively involved in an open affair while you are still married. You say you don’t want your marriage back…..so why post it? Why ask for advice that is sure to get people all riled up….unless….you like getting people all riled up. Do you? It’s a honest question that if you are going to post here and be taken seriously is worth asking. If you want the marriage….end the affair and recommit. If you KNOW you don’t want the marriage…..why plaster the affair on the board unless you just want the flaming you asked for? Do you want people to try and change your mind?

Drama….As I mentioned before….your choice of topics is nothing short of inflammatory and begging for controversy. The first post on this thread is as good of an example as I can dredge up. “I don’t want my husband back, and I’m having an affair. I know you’ll flame me so go ahead”. And the response you expect from this board is………? You’ve been here a long time….you know exactly what you will be told….the same thing everyone is told. “This is a bad idea mg….you aren’t divorced yada yada yada. You’re bad bad girl in the fog…..wake up and do what’s right.” Some people are addicted to attention. They don’t care if it’s good….or if it’s bad….they just want it. Is it possible that you post this stuff BECAUSE you’ll get flamed…..then you’ll get sympathy etc? That’s what it seems like….so if it isn’t….then what is it?

Accountability….You continually say you have done so much for your marriage, and you don’t know why you get bashed so much. Mg this is not true. You ARE young….but you are so far from stupid it isn’t funny. I know of few people who have come here, worked on these concepts, and been open minded about examining themselves and NOT improved as a marriage partner. Marriages don’t always improve….but I think individuals can learn so much here. You have lacked commitment to this marriage from the get go. I know your husband has a porn problem and that is so awful for you, but has it escaped your attention that your reliance on sex and your confusion over love and lust on are not very healthy either? You both have serious sexual issues…..so it sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. That’s a rhetorical question….you have said that you know you have a problem with sex and love. You get your self-worth from sex….that’s surely a result of the abuse you suffered. I’m really glad you have a counselor btw.

“I’m young and I’m stupid”….You ARE so very young. It is undeniable. But stupid? Nope….not even a little. My biggest disappointment is that you KNOW this stuff and you pretend like you don’t get it. You know why you get the reactions you do, I am convinced that you TRY to get reactions….and you don’t stop it….instead, you do your best to throw gasoline on the flames. “Flame me now, go ahead! I don’t care!” How many times have you posted that? I have never seen a person put so many disclaimers on their posts: “I hope you know I meant that completely PLATONICALLY (insert male poster name here). How many times in the course of a year have I read that phrase? Why? Because you know that the things you say sound flirtatious. Why not just refrain from making the statements in the first place? This stuff looks like transparent attempts at stoking the male egos on the board….that’s how it’s perceived. If that’s not your intent….they why don’t you stop it? If you have to qualify it mg….then for pete’s sake….don’t write it and then feign innocence or stupidity. It makes you sound insincere…..both for the compliment and the retraction…..it makes neither seem real or genuine.

So now please decide…..do you want to work on your marriage? Or not? Do you want to stir the mb pot or post showing respect for marriage and the people on these boards? If you are waiting to get respect FIRST….then give it up. You have to earn that by showing that you care as much for the feelings of others as you want them to care for yours. Because if you keep going the way you are….not only will you lose the help you need….but you’re going to end up really messing up your life and just running amok. You have jumped from a bad marriage to an affair. You love your little girl mg…..how do you want her to view herself? Remember, she’s looking at you to model her own behavior and she will learn by your example….above all, I know THAT matters to you.

Good luck to you in all you do.

Star,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I am scared to write anything in response because I really feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and that I can not "win" no matter what I say. I know I have put myself in this position, it's just unfortunate. You're right in many aspects but what I want you, and whoever's willing, to understand is that none of this has been done intentionally. I think you're right, I do tend to be a flirtatious person, and I carry that trait with me here as I do anywhere. Most of my (flirtatious) comments are truly meant in an innocent, joking around manner, both here and IRL, and they are made just totally off the cuff, without even thinking about it. I've done it for years, it's just a part of who I am. It's never been a real problem until now, and man, what a huge problem it is. I'm not excusing my behavior at all, just explaining that I don't sit here calculating out what I can write to get the men riled up or piss the women off (believe it or not). But either way, I'm causing waves and I shouldn't be, especially not here and I truly do apologize for that. I may be many things but I'm really not an evil person looking to torment poor, innocent, horny guys and piss women off. I know that's how a lot of people see me but that is truly not my intention.

This has become one of my first resorts when I am just at the end of my emotional rope. Just tonight, something happened with H that deeply upset me and one of my first thoughts was to come here and post about it, but of course that would be one of the *dumbest* things I could do at this point. I think that's why you see so many inconsistencies, so many things I write are written in the midst of an "emotional storm" and there have been many of those in my life lately. It's nice to come here and vent and throw ideas off of people, and hear different opinions, but more often than not I say the wrong thing and a huge battle follows, and I just need to learn that I cannot do that anymore.

Anyway, what I really want to get across is how sorry I am for all that's happened. I'm not apologizing for who I am as much as because I have lost the respect/companionship of people like you. I truly respect you Star, and always have, and didn't mean for my "issues" to make you think otherwise or offend you in any way. I think you are a wonderful woman and an amazing example to others.

You're right, I've done so many things wrong. The mistakes I've made here on this board are NOTHING compared to the ones I've made "out there"...I'm not sure why I have such a tendency to self-destruct and make a bad situation worse, but it's something I've always done. Anyway, thank you for once again reaching out to me and I hope I didn't say something stupid. Be well.

MG,

I think you need to reflect on something. You are very young, younger than most of my children. You like them do not realize your power. Your words, your actions have much more power than you realize. You have the power to deeply hurt someone, or help them.

What you need to do is carefully consider your words or actions BEFORE you apply them. You are sort of like a bull in a china shop right now. Your youth makes this understandable, but none the less distructive. Ultimately the destruction will be mostly on yourself, via the people you harm with your power.

I suspect you have never thought of yourself as powerful, that is very likely why you flirt to see if you have any at all. You do! That is probably why you don't consider your words, or won't consider others. You see when you learn of the power you have, you will realize that you can afford to listen to other people, you don't have to protect yourself, unless REALLY attacked.

So reflect on your image of yourself, and realize with power comes responsibility.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am scared to write anything in response because I really feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and that I can not "win" no matter what I say. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're wrong mg....You have already won (the battle is within...not without)....you win by having the restraint and humility NOT to explain things sometimes....like you did tonight. Part of what happens to you is you get all caught up in denying, defending dismissing...it's become a trap for you. Just let this pass and try to make an honest effort at simply understanding. As JL says...think first, then act or speak. Who you are is not a static thing....you can be anyone you want to be. You can choose better things for yourself and your child. Just rest for now okay? Good night.

So, allow me to understand this....

Pornography is grounds for divorce, but having sex with a strange man while attempting to repair your marriage is ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: *^aeri^* ]</small>