Hi to everyone,
It is may be a long story But I'm lost here. I'm 31 My husband is 40.
We have been married for five months. Before we knew each other for 4 years. But it was a long distance relationship. We went thru all the Difficulties to be together as we are from different countries and it was not easy for us. I move to his country. Before marriage everything was ok. After marriage seams like he is not interested in sex with me ... and....... we never passionately kiss
I'm very attractive woman ... everything is ok with sex. Every day I was trying to have sex with him and he kept saying :" be patient ... I need to do it on my own" ....
Once we had a great weekend wich we spent together with his brother's family. My husband took us to highlands and we had fun. We came back and watching TV together. It was 3 am The movie was not good actually and my husband told me :"I'm bored. I want to go out" When I asked where he wants to go, he said he wants just to drive around … may be have a cup of tea …. when I said:” what about me? I'm bored too.”.. He said:” I want to go alone I need my space”. I was shocked ... I know everybody need space sometimes ... but I never thought it can be 3 am ....
I was crying and we had a big disagreement so this time he did not go... but after that sometimes we go out and he says me after we go out he will drop me home and after he need go out after 3 am because his friend is available only after 3 am ... who is his friend and why he can meet him only after 3 am he refuse to answer He says he dose not have to tell me because there are things nothing to do with me.
One day he bought a new pillow just for him... May be it is strange but it hurt me ....I took it like there is no me on his mind in our bed .... May be I'm too sencitive ...
Sometimes he wants to go out midnight -1-3 am ... I don't understand if it is normal... As for me it is not But he keep saying he need his space sometimes ... Sometimes it is may be once in 2 weeks sometimes more ... sometimes less... When I ask why it must be late night time He says he want his space any time he need it...
Some times ago somebody call his hand phone 2.30 am ...When I asked him who call him he answer just somebody playing fool Then I asked why then you were talking to this person... He become very angry and said I'm so bad and I'm so suspiciouse ... I don't trust you... From that time I noticed he started to hide from me his phone ... he made no sound ring... It is very strange ...
I said him that I can't accept his going out late night because it hurts me ... He says that I can't compromise and I can't sucrifuce anything for family ..and that . I should not be married.
Now I'm not sure what is right what is wrong ... We don't have normal sex ... only when I insist very much ... He wants to go out late night and I don't have to ask even where he is going because he dose not want to report. One more thing he is reading a forum where guys talk about local girls who sell their body… which is good which is not good ….
He is a nice guy Caring and loving …. May be I’m really wrong??? Please help me to understand Am I selfish????
… Sorry for my mistakes because English is not my language
Please help me to understand what is wrong with me or with him?

Dear Stran

Welcome to MB. You've found a good place.

Is it OK? No it isn't because it doesn't feel comfortable or right to you. And frankly the behaviour is very odd. I certainly would not put up with such behaviour and he is very disrespectful of you to tell you it is not your business.

It certainly sounds as if something is going on with your H - his lack of interest in sex, hiding his telephone, not telling you who he is going out with or where - all alarm bells ringing. Read as much as you possibly can on this site, it will help you to understand about R's and what happens within them.

Now, as to whether you confront him and how, I'm not so sure how you can do this. His defensiveness and anger is another alarm bell ringing to me. If you have nothing to hide, why be angry?

I do not know whether or not he is having an A - what do you think? Is this what concerns you most? If you need to find this out, then snoop. A lot here advocate doing whatever is necessary to find out, but remember you must deal with the consequences of what you find if you do snoop.

I'm sure some other people will come along later and help you out. But keep coming and keep asking questions.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

stran, your husband has a secret life and is probably having an affair with another woman. This is always the risk when you marry someone you don't know. The problem is that you have married someone you don't know AT ALL. Not only that, but he is not in the least bit committed to you and has no respect whatsoever.

It is completely inappropriate for a spouse to go out at 3 am and it is even more inappropriate for him to tell you it is none of your business. As his wife, EVERYTHING is your business.

I hate to tell you this, but you have married a fraud. I did the same thing too. Once I realized it, I told him our marriage was over and that I was leaving. I had only been married 6 months when I discovered he was having an affair. We hadn't been married long enough for me to not meet his needs so I knew it wasn't that at all. After 3 days he came to me and begged me to stay and offered to go into counseling. Things have changed dramatically since then and I have a fairly good marriage.

The point I am trying to make is that you can't change your husband, but you also don't have to stay in a situation like this. You need to decide if you can live with someone who has no respect or committment to you.

Stran, I'm curious, I was wondering if you're Russian. My wife is from Moscow and uses some of the same English expressions as you do.

I agree with Lisa and Melody that his behavior is very strange. My wife would be extremely upset if I ever went out by myself at 3 a.m.

I sympathize with you, but as far as advice is concerned, there are other people who are wiser than I who can help you decide what to do.

Yes Beal you are right
But I'm Ukrainian. But for foreigners we all are russians

Stran, actually my wife is half-Ukrainian, half-Russian. I wish you well.

Stran - wherever you are from, you are welcome here. I am a foreigner probably to those Yanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It doesn't matter, but what does matter is how you are doing and what you are going to do about your M. Let us know please what's going on and whether you have any sort of plan in mind.

Lisa

thank you for sending your thoughts. It helps me a lot. Because sometimes I feel I'm so bad wife.
I start to be nervouse.
Yes it will take time to know what is going on. My husband dose not drink alcohol at all. When he drink just a little bit he feel very sleepy and he dose not like it. I don't think he use drugs I never notice anything like that. But resently I got his handphone bill As he always trying to put his handphone the way I can't see who is calling him and some weeks ago he set it as he is on meeting and I can't never hear who is calling. He dose not talk on the phone anymore infront of me only to some friends. I notice it because before he talk a lot on the phone. So I look at the bill and I notice he is always calling to one of the hotels. Sometimes he call to others but always to the one. I notice something wrong after we went to the shopping complex next to this hotel and he said he will leave me and come back after 45 minints because he has an appointment. Some days ago we went to the same place and he said he wants to see a friend who is working there in shopping complex I said I will follow him because he is my frind too. He was so scared I will follow him and when I did not see he run away from me to see this friend. he came back shortly but it was so strange. When we pass by the hotel he said me"thi is a nice hotel and not expencive" When I asked him if he has been there he siad no. When I look at bills they show he call from inside the hotel. And he keep calling there. I already feel when he is going there... or may be somewhere else . May be I'm too suspiciouse . But I'm loosing my mind . I become so nervouse. I don' t want to leave him before I know for sure what it is.... And he says he loves me and I'm the best and I understand him more than others ... I'm so lost ... If a man love can he pay somebody else to have sex ???
when I start talk bout our sexual life he says everything is ok don't push I have to do it on my own. He says he is married to me and I still want him to be excited?
What is it? If a man is married he is not interested anymore in sex with wife?
Pls help me to understand it

stran, you know what is going on here. I don't understand why you would tolerate this behavior or pretend like the problem lies with you. Surely you can see that your husband is either involved with someone or is paying prostitutes. Now, what do you plan to do about it?

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I think you need to give him an ultimatum. He needs to stop this going out at all hours of the night or it will be the end. If he really loves you and wants things to work then he will consider your request. It is not normal for a married man to go out at all hours, hiding his phone and meeting people secretly. There is nothing wrong with you. I am sure you are a good person. Don't bring yourself down. Be strong. Stand up for yourself and don't let him make you feel like you are the guilty one. He is the one in the wrong.