I'm looking for a consensus here...about "being connected" and so I'm looking for all of your input.

Today my wife and I were talking, and the subject of our "connectedness" came up. I'm of the opinion that she and I never really truly connected emotionally/psychologically, etc... She...well...she just doesn't know. (Some of you who may be familiar with my situation know that I'm married to a very lovely, fairly intelligent, and incredibly oblivious lady.)

This is a serious topic, because I think that if a husband and wife are truly connected, then their marriage becomes impermiable to the temptation of the OP.

The way we left it is, that she and I have different ideas / definitions as to what it is to "be connected."

So I'm wondering....

1) What does it mean to you to "be connected?"

2) Have you ever actually been connected -- as you understand the term?

3) What should a married couple do to get connected to each other?

Thanks!
__JG

Hi javaguy,

I think being "connected" is just another one of those miscellaneous terms that gets tossed around and given more meaning such as soulmates.

Being "connected" I think may imply that you are open and honest with your spouse and have a deep understanding about one another's needs and desires and that can feel special.It is what attracts us to that person in the beginning and then leads us to marriage ,most of the time.

It doesn't, however,always shield anyone from an A though.My WH and I had what was known as the "perfect" relationship to all who knew us.We were best friends,played and laughed,finished eachothers sentences,stuff like that.Were tremendously "in-love" for a long time.I have a whole box full of love letters full of passion and love that I stil treasure. BUT,somwhere down the road,my WH started drifting away and now I am here talking about his A.I thought we were as "connected" as any two people could have been.

But,as I see it now,we became "disconnected" because of my WH career and all the time and effort he put into that instead of our relationship,being open about his needs to me dropped,he became restless I think about where his life was going and he has been in what I think is an early MLC.My WH relationship with that OW is a classic example of the one that Dr.Harley wrote about in SAA only the situation is reversed.

For lack of a better term on how to explain what it is that a husband and wife feel for eachother,it may be just the feelings we have that make us feel happy and that the other person empathizes with us and shows us affection.I guess that to me is being connected.If that isn't there then it says to me that work needs to be done.If it was there in the beginning,it can still be found again.

Doing alot of what Dr.Harley recommends for those surviving an A is what helps to create that bond.If you feel like you never connected,what exactly made you marry your W?

O

Hi Octobergirl,

You ask an interesting question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you feel like you never connected,what exactly made you marry your W? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't really thought of it in those terms. After reading your response, however, I finally did give it some thought.

The best that I can come up with is, I guess I never needed a connection with her because we simply never had one. And you don't miss what you don't know.

But now, fortunately or no, after having a relationship with my xOW, I do know what a connection feels like. And I really, really want it again. Preferably with my W, of course. But if not with her, then with someone else. Someone else whom I will marry after divorcing my current W.

You pointed out something else that's interesting. You talk about the love letters and such that you have in a box. Years ago, I used to do the same kind of thing for my wife. I quit after I started finding them in the waste basket...unopened.

Boy, don't I sound like a Cheerful Gus?

Oh well...

__JG

I think connectedness is just evidence of overflowing Love Banks. Its easy to feel connected to someone in the begining of an intense relationship, because not many withdrawals are being made. Not much love busting going on.

Daily life has a way of bringing the Taker out, and the connection you once felt can begin to diminish as love busting occurs.

Hi again JG,

Well,you still skirted the issue: what made you marry your W? Can you think back to that time and what about her made you pop the question? I'm sorry to hear that your love letters were thrown away.Maybe your wife was having some issues with being married at the time? I fdon't know.

If there is any truth to what Dr.Harley talks about and what construction mentioned then it is true that what keeps a relationship alive is the attention to one another effectively and frequently.

I am a firm believer that EVERY relationship goes through cycles and when a spouse has an affair and believes that new person is the answer to all the problems in the marriage,it too will follow the pattern of the relationship you are already in.Not exactly but no one stays in this fantasy forever.Reality hits you between the eyes,maybe weeks,months or years down the road and you realize,hey,this person has baggage just like the rest of us.So you have essentially traded in one spouse for another with his/her own set of issues.

Where honor and integrity come in is making that commitment to that person you married and taking the TIME to work on it,not jump from one emotional high to the next.Unfortunately,because affairs are secretive and are new and are not,at the time,related to reality,it seems as though those feelings which are intense make it all seem like this was meant to be.

But like my WH,he preferred to live in his bubble ready to abandon his wife,two kids,the big home we just bought,sabotage his friendships and career,everything for this new feeling he had.He still doesn't see this OW for what she is,she will never be welcomed into the family,she is hated by everyone.But yet WH continues on his downward slide on the verge of losing everything he once held so dear and becoming poor.Anyway,I digress.

I think that if people don't take the time to try and solve why they have affairs and then move onto the next person,they are doomed to repeat all that pain and suffering.It does take a lot of effort and time to make that "connectedness" happen.

O

Javaguy,

Hi there, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from!! Indeed, i was about to post a question myself saying "how do you know if you are in love with your wife" when I read your question instead.

I too never felt "in love" or "connected" with my wife. I guess I stayed with her because I did not want to upset her by leaving her, and I guess I married her because I did not want to upset her by not marrying her... then OW turned up in my life and I had feelings I had NEVER ever had before for my wife. Not ever ( reading back into my journals from when I met my wife prove that as well, the feelings were just not there) . With OW I felt I could share anything with her, I felt so `connected`, I felt, well I just felt like I had never felt before.

OW is now off the scene and I really think I want to leave my wife to try to find that feeling again... I totally understand how you can marry someone you did not feel connected to not knowing what it `should ` have felt like !!!! I bet you, like me, only now realise what love is supposed to be like !!!

It is one hting for folks on this board to argue to stay in marriage by "getting back those feelings you used to have for your wife" but quite another to try to get feelings if you never had in the first place!!!!!!

Anyone else out there able to, say, come up with a list of questions to ask ones self to get the answer to : "How do i know if I love my wife because i dont think i do? "

1) What does it mean to you to "be connected?"

To me the feeling of being connected is the feeling of happiness and love you feel when you think of the other person. It is the spark you see in the other person's eyes when you look at them. It is knowing that at that moment you would not want to be anywhere else and feel that emotion from your partner.

2) Have you ever actually been connected -- as you understand the term?

Yes, I feel it now. I felt in the beginning of our relationship. It is where security comes from, it is where you build trust and confidence. It is knowing in your heart the other person is not going anywhere and no one can change that.

3) What should a married couple do to get connected to each other?

Everyone is different but for us what works is being together. The more time we spend together the better we work. We have worked hard to rebuild our friendship, our partnership, our sex life, we share our love. When we were disconnected, we lost our friendship, our sex life and our ability to express our feelings.

JG,

I too wondered about connectedness! I counseled with Steve Harley for awhile and the question came up. He referred me to the book by Shirley Glass called "Not Just Friends". She covers the issue well!! CSue

UC, you said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think connectedness is just evidence of overflowing Love Banks... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you've hit the nail right on the head. What a great metaphor!

Octobergirl, you said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well,you still skirted the issue: what made you marry your W? Can you think back to that time and what about her made you pop the question? I'm sorry to hear that your love letters were thrown away.Maybe your wife was having some issues with being married at the time? I fdon't know.

If there is any truth to what Dr.Harley talks about and what construction mentioned then it is true that what keeps a relationship alive is the attention to one another effectively and frequently. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right...I did skirt the issue, truth be told. It's unfortunate, but my popping the question was probably the most inept thing I've ever done. It came out more or less as, "well, do you want to get married or not?" And also unfortunately, it also turns out the my wife did have issues with getting/being married at that time. She tells me now that she loved me then, but then didn't after a while. I'm guessing that what she felt was more infatuation than true love. It took a lot longer -- a LOT longer -- for my love for her to die. Or at least to waste away.

You also bring up the matter of honor and integrity. Ironically enough, when my OW inititially and repeatedly propositioned me, I just as repeatedly told her "no." When she asked me "why?", I told her that I would not have sex with her because I was an honorable man and to do so would dishonor my marriage. Well, I guess I found out the truth about that part of myself, didn't I? Rats.

Tornheart you said....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi there, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from!! ...

I too never felt "in love" or "connected" with my wife. I guess I stayed with her because I did not want to upset her by leaving her, and I guess I married her because I did not want to upset her by not marrying her... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Buddy, I could have written those words, myself. Our experiences are almost exactly parallel. So...now what for us? To belavor the obvious: I guess you and I have simply got to make a choice. And if that choice is to stay with our wives, then we've got to do whatever it takes to make our marriages work. Period.

Boobyprize, you said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To me the feeling of being connected is the feeling of happiness and love you feel when you think of the other person. It is the spark you see in the other person's eyes when you look at them. It is knowing that at that moment you would not want to be anywhere else and feel that emotion from your partner. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yet another simply great exposition. I can't tell you how much I wish I had that with my wife. I just, simply can't tell you.

And what you say about simply being together makes sense. In our case, I'm not sure how that may work. It's kind of fun when we are together. The problem is, there is so very much that I'd like to do together -- and that other married people/friends do together -- that she isn't comfortable with. Hmmm.....

CSue...I'm going to get the book and read it. Thanks for the pointer.

And thanks all you guys for your help,
__JG

Java, I take exception with the suggestion that if one is connected the OP wouldn't enter into the picture. I can tell you that W and I can easily finish each other's sentences etc. I can without hesitation tell you that I knew she would sleep with OM before either OM knew and probably before she knew. She had told me how he bragged to her that he had been with 9 other married woman which was incredible that she glamorized this. But she was in such a fog. I actually called her very close to the time she was on her ONS. So aware that I had reason for concern. The next day after ONS she told me on a 36 minute phone call the "I'm almost through this". We're still not through it but it has been helpful to me (although agonizing at times) to know that we are going through it together. Sounds strange but I definitely feel connected though I don't equate it necessary to overflowing lovebank. Just from spending tons of time together and growing up together etc. Anyway sorry to ramble.

i'm with octobergirl. i think 'connectedness' is as much hoohah as 'soul mate.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just some thoughts&#8230;.. being &#8220;connected&#8221; is also frequently being mistaken for the feeling of fresh love, of being infatuated, the frisson of the affair. In this context 9 out of 10 WS will assure you that &#8220;they feel much more connected/close/in tune to OW/OM than with you&#8221;.

Undoubtedly, that feeling is very strong. The feelings and the relationship after a decade are very different of course.

I'm gpimg to throw a wrench in the concept that connectedness is the feeling that ocurrs when your LB's are over flowing.

My expereience last weekend with X is a prime example. We have been basically cut off from eachh other and have not been connected in years. Out of the blue, we were put in a situation where we were forced in a way to relive some emotional stuff in therapy.

While he was asked the questions, I was commpletely connected to him in such a way that I never thought would EVER be possible again. I could actually "HEAR" hihs thoughts in my head, and I felt what he was feeling at that point.

In our case, HIS LB is closed and he is due to get married in 6 months.

Most here might disagree, but I DO believe in soul mates, but I don't believe that there is only 1 out there for each person. I tend to think that when you meet a soulmate, this type of connection can always be there.

That is why, in my opinion, that there are strangers that you meet at times that you feel immediately at home with. I believe that there is an unconscious recignition of each other's souls.

That doesn't mean that I think you should have an A with that person or anything...

Just rambling thhoughts.

Don-David Lusterman describes intimacy as follows, and to me this is a good description of what I think of when someone mentions "connectedness":

The ability to trust one another enough to talk honestly about what you are feeling, even if it is negative -- to reveal yourself safely, to openly express needs, disappointments, longings, and pleasure -- are all aspects of intimacy.

(From "Infidelity: A Survival Guide" -- my favorite recovery book so far)