She told him that she hopes he marries his whore and she burns him. When he catches AIDS she's going to laugh in his face. OH my God it was so ugly. She has completely lost ALL respect for him. Thank God my brother was here to keep it from becoming extremely physical. Both daughters refused to stay in the house while he's here and spent the night at friends houses. I told him to leave but he hasn't. I don't think his sister will have him back at her house anymore because of past experiences. What do I do if he refuses to leave? Could making him move into another room be a part of an effective plan B?
This man is not rational. How do I get my hands on the much needed money that he makes from his gigs? I normally take him to his gigs most of the time. What mess this is. I feel so humiliated, I feel like I've lost my dignity, confused & filled with grief.

No, Plan B is of no worth if he is in the guest room.

How sad that your daughters have to be exposed to such a shabby situation where no one is in charge and they can't even feel comfortable in their own home. They are the biggest victims here. Not only do they have live their teen years like this, but they will grow up and think its ok to be treated like this in a marriage. But at least you have your H back.

I guess you have some hard choices to make here. You can accept him how he is and probably lose your daughters and all your self respect or you can take steps to end this madness.

This has been going on for years and will go on for many more years unless you stop it. You are no longer the victim here, you have choices and always have had choices. He is just doing what he has always done. At least your daughters are fed up enough with it to take action.

Mel you are right. thank you so much I needed to read that. Now H is asking to use the cmputer so he can see the terms of his life insurance. I guess he wants to make me think he's about to do something stupid because he knows he completely blew it. I don't have him back Mel in fact I lost him long ago. Sadly I admit I'm just as sick as he is for tolerating this madness for so long. I feel stupid for not having the guts to do wthat seems to come so easy for others. At times I feel like I'm stuck in a rat trap.

I know if I continue like this the siuation will only get worse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong> Sadly I admit I'm just as sick as he is for tolerating this madness for so long. I feel stupid for not having the guts to do wthat seems to come so easy for others. At times I feel like I'm stuck in a rat trap.

I know if I continue like this the siuation will only get worse. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">robbed, it is HARDER to stay where you are. You are only stuck like a rat by your own choices. It will be hard whichever way you choose, but the path you are on leads to assured loss. The other path leads to rewards and relief.

The other path leads to restoration of your self respect and the safety and protection of your daughters. Both paths are hard. Look at how hard your life is now. It will ALWAYS BE HARD if you stay on it. If you take the other path it will only be hard temporarily, but the REWARDS will be great.

It is also hard to get a root canal. But it is harder to live with an endless toothache. It is much easier to endure HARD when you know it is for a good purpose with a payoff at the end. All that hard work has a payoff. There is NO PAYOFF for the hardship you are enduring now and it is so critical that your own daughters are paying the price because you refuse to go to the dentist. Make the choice, robbed. We will help you all along the way.

You're right! I will make the choice and be back with the results sometime during the day I hope.

my no contact letter

Dear WH,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for months now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I could have and should have been a better wife but unfortunately I can’t turn back the hands of time and change what has taken place in the past.

God knows I love you more then you’ll ever realize and I want nothing more then to save our marriage but I don’t know how L. One thing that I do know is that I can’t save this marriage by myself.

This situation is seriously out of control and it has become too obvious that your heart is no longer with me and our family. You seem to be just going through the motions.

I’ve lost so much of myself, at times I don’t know if I’m coming or going. You’ve lost so much respect for me and our family.

I never thought that any situation would or could hurt me more then the loss of my mother. But this situation actually does. The thoughts that run through my mind is sinful.

The thought of another woman controlling my husband kills me. The fact that I’m directly affected, left out of all decisions in your life regarding your other child and my feelings are not considered is outrageous. The fact that you admit that you want to continue to see other women regardless of how hard I try to save this marriage is just not acceptable.

You are not only risking your health, but my health as well. Not to mention the emotional health of this whole family! It’s hard to believe that you love me if you desire other women and you obviously have unprotected sex with them and whomever they have all slept with.

Our daughters! What are they learning here? That no matter how you treat me, it's okay. That if you risks my health & life with sexual addiction, it's okay. Well it’s not Ok.

You‘ve made it clear that no one woman can have you and I‘ve come to terms with that. In coming to terms I‘ve realized that we can no longer be together because I’m no longer settling for less then what I deserve. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply a request that you remove yourself from this household. To protect the love that I have for you I think its best that we separate with NO CONTACT until you’ve ended all of your affairs, agree to get help for your addiction and agree to a recovery plan for this marriage. I know that I’m at risk of loosing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision that I know you‘re not ready to make.

Please respect my decision and do not contact me unless it is an emergency. If you need to access the house or spend time with the girls and Goldie, please contact me via e-mail and I will arrange to have the house available to you. As for your financial obligation to this family I expect to continue to receive all monies as we discussed. The exchange of monies can take place through a 3rd party. Maybe your sister will be willing to help us out.

Please know that I wish you nothing but peace and happiness and I will always love you.

Your wife
DeeDee

H is trying to put pressure on me. Told me he was going to resign from the band he's in because he won't have a way to make it to his gigs. He's in a busy high end wedding band. He knows we need every dime of that $. I told him that he knows that we need that $ and didn't say anything else.

Dear Dee Dee,

I don't know if you know my complete story, but my ex-H was also a musician, professional musician and had never had a conventional job.

I certainly don't mean to lump all musicians into a specific stereo-type but I will tell you from reading your story that your husband sounds very much like mine in terms of his infidelities and disrespect for his marriage, his wife and his legitimate family.

My husband's attitude, come to find out from our very good therapist, was that having several partners was a right of passage as a musician. A harem if you will. And what was most disturbing was that he felt that "I" was the sick one for putting up with his infidelities, that I obviously knew that he was a cheater, regardless of his on-going duplicitious lies and manipulations, and that it was my choice to remain with him. So whatever hurt I felt was my own fault.

I really do feel for you. Reading your story brings tears to my eyes because I know how hard this is for you. But, please believe me when I write that you can make it through this, and be better off in the long term. Your husband does not have the slightest clue what you're feeling. And if he's anything like mine, he'll only start to understand the gravity of what he's done when the pain starts to affect him. Right now he feels no where near what you are feeling, unfortuntely.

I'm sure there will be Plan B letter experts along here very soon to help you critique your letter. I'd suggest you change your subject title on this post to ask for a Plan B letter review to help get more feedback on it.

You and your daughter are in my thoughts.

God Bless,
Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong> H is trying to put pressure on me. Told me he was going to resign from the band he's in because he won't have a way to make it to his gigs. He's in a busy high end wedding band. He knows we need every dime of that $. I told him that he knows that we need that $ and didn't say anything else. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quitting the band, at this point, has nothing to do with your decision to go to Plan B. He is trying to manipulate you to keep the status quo so he can continue with having you and OW.

Dee Dee, this is not going to be easy. Your H will fight you at every turn and resist Plan B. He'll think of reasons why it's not pratical, he'll get angry and blame, he'll say you're manipulating him. Don't succumb. You've given him every chance to end contact with OW. Now you need to detach and let him see what life will be without you.

Stay Strong.
Jo

<small>[ December 28, 2003, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong> H is trying to put pressure on me. Told me he was going to resign from the band he's in because he won't have a way to make it to his gigs. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is his choice. He is a big boy and can do what he wants, it is not your issue.

Dee Dee, what do you want from him now? Do you want him to move out after he gets your letter? What will you do if he refuses to move? Do you think that he will change his personality in response to your letter?

Mel, I want my family whole! I want love respect honesty trust etc...... I want to continue to be able to maintain my household including my credit rating which I've worked hard build. I don't know if he'll change his pesonality. I don't know what he's willing to do and not do at this point.

Dee Dee,

I know you want your family to stay together, but your husband hasn't made the choice to quit his addictions for his family. He's fence sitting. And your love-bank for him is dangerously low. Almost nill I'd say.

You can go on like this indefinitely Dee Dee, or you can follow Harley's Plan(s) in hopes you can rebuild a better marriage.

Jo

<small>[ December 28, 2003, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong> Mel, I want my family whole! I want love respect honesty trust etc...... I want to continue to be able to maintain my household including my credit rating which I've worked hard build. I don't know if he'll change his pesonality. I don't know what he's willing to do and not do at this point. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dee Dee, is one of your choices to have your family "whole?" Maybe so, but it also comes with a spouse who lies and commits adultery as a matter of habit. That is one of your choices. But you can't have "respect, honesty and trust" with THAT choice. You cannot change your husband, you have to accept him how he is.

Your other choice is to move on with your life and hope that maybe he takes this as a wake up call that there are really consequences to his actions. Maybe he will change. But moving on is the ONLY hope you have of that eventuality. At best, he will change his character [though unlikely] and at worst, you will have detached and built a healthy life focused on yourself and your daughters, WITH some self respect.


In the meantime, how do you plan on executing Plan B if he refuses to leave?


It all comes back to what *YOU* want, Dee Dee, not him. What do YOU WANT for you and your daughters?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong> I want to continue to be able to maintain my household including my credit rating which I've worked hard build. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you want to maintain some self respect or do you want to maintain a credit rating? Do you want to maintain your daughters or do you want to maintain a credit rating? You don't HAVE a household, you have an empty shell that houses a family life so sickening that your own children have had to leave their home.

You're right! Its just so hard to just send him packing to the OW house. His sister told him that he couldn't stay at her place because her children are very affected by our situation as well. He's taken other women to her house during other seperations. My sister-in-laws children and mine are in the same age group. Of course they came back and told us every thing they knew.

At the moment H is just here. I can tell he has a lot on his mind about how to try and fix this mess as he has in the past.

As for what I'll do if he refuses to leave. I don't know what to do.

One question Dee Dee.

"What would you tell one of your daughter's if they were in your shoes?"

And why should you deserve anything less?

What I have already told my daughters is to never ever settle for a man who is like their father. I told them to run like hell the first time you catch them cheating because once they start they'll never stop and may end up going through what I am.

Dear Robb'd,

Don't even have to run...... just step aside and let him go. He needs to resolve his problems and later prove to you and your family (including relatives) he is worthy of coming back into your family. It is not his right. He lost it when he stepped out.

Mel and Resilient are giving you good info. Take it to heart and use what works best for you. These gals know their stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
[QB] You're right! Its just so hard to just send him packing to the OW house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will only go there if its his choice, which just reinforces how uncommitted he is to your marriage. He is going there anyway as soon as the heat dies down so whats the difference? You can no longer concern yourself with him, its time to remove yourself and your daughters from his insanity and start focusing on living a healthy life.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At the moment H is just here. I can tell he has a lot on his mind about how to try and fix this mess as he has in the past.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmmmmmmmm, he is thinking how can I talk my way out of this one AGAIN and get her off my back so I can do it again next week?