For those of you who know my story, H called last night and wanted to reconcile. I've been in Plan B for 10 weeks except for last Tuesday when he came over and tried to forcefully move back into house.

So I told him the door is open, I would like to work on marriage, but OW has to be out of the picture. He agreed.

This morning we went to church together and then out to eat. I asked him if OW was out of the picture and he said the minute he moved back in with me she would be. Told him that will not work, he is not moving back until he has NC with her. He asked if I really want marriage back. I told him that I wanted the husband I used to have, I wanted honesty again in our relationship.

He said he will be honest. Well just Tuesday he swore to me and sister that he has not had OW living with him. I know she has been. Her H took back her key to house, she moved her clothes and makeup out, and has been gone every night since the end of October. She told her H that she was moving in with my H, and would come by to clean house on Tuesday and Thursday. H told me that she did come by on Tues. and Thurs. (and I see her car there) but she didn't clean house, just slept all day. Also I have been in her house about 10 times since then to verify that she is not there.

Well my H went into some babble about he would never have her live with him, the most important thing in the world to her is her daughter, blah, blah, blah. That was it. I told him that he is still unable to be honest with me, and I am not willing to work on reconciliation under these circumstances, and left.

So back to Plan B.

Your reconciliation didn't last 2 hours. It didn't start. He hasn't met your conditions yet and is still trying to push your boundaries.

You did absolutely the right thing. You might even back it up with a nice Plan B letter telling him that you love him and want to work out your marriage, but under certain conditions. Then lay out the conditions. Condition #1 being an end to relationship with OW coupled with a NC letter.

This is not a setback, believer. This is a step in the right direction. He wants to come back but he still wants to keep the OW on the hook. He is TESTING YOU to see how much he can get away with. He can see that you are now CLEAR about your boundaries and that YOU, not him, will set the agenda.

But, you don't want to discourage him so send him a Plan B letter that is FIRM about your boundaries but shows him the WAY BACK so he can come back.

You did VERY GOOD!

And believer, here are your talking points if he calls you:

"Have you gotten rid of the OW?"

NO

"Please call me when you have and THEN, and only THEN, can we discuss reconciliation."

Those are your talking points. Say them over and over to him until you sound like a broken record. You cannot move forward until the answer is YES. Until the answer is YES, the record is hopelessly stuck.

Melody - thanks for input. I was so hopeful, but quickly saw that I was about to be sucked up into same old same old. Since July we have gone through the same thing, OW will be, could be, should be, gone. But she never is.

And she is very patient. According to H she knows that he would like to reconcile. She tells him she loves him, to follow his heart, she will always be there for him, blah, blah, blah.

I have written Plan B letter, told him when he contacted me, (about 4 times in 10 weeks) over and over the same thing. He just continues on saying she will be out of the picture. Since July, we have been through this 10 times, counting today. I have been consistent in my message to him. I even have it in his writing from the end of July. I'm starting to think that he has a low IQ.

Its ok, believer, I think you are closer than you think. This is pretty much par for the course so don't get discouraged. This is just part of the process.

I do hope that you consider sending him another letter just to reiterate your love for him and restate your boundaries, ie: contact me AFTER the OW is gone, not before. He doesn't seem to be catching that little part there.

He stated earlier that he didn't think you would take him back. Do you think it would help if you reiterated all this in another letter?

Believer don't feel bad I think my WH is retarded. I pray that you find peace and happiness.

Thanks for all of the support- but I know my H well. I think he would like to do the right thing, but cannot. It reminds me of my favorite play - Camelot. Especially the song "If I Would Ever Leave You."

If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer, I never would go
Your hair streaked with sunlight, your lips red as flame
Your face with a luster that puts gold to shame

But if I'd ever leave you, it couldn't be in autumn
How I'd leave in autumn, I never will know
I've seen how you sparkle when fall nips the air
I know you in autumn and I must be there

And could I leave you running merrily through the snow
Or on a wintry evening when you catch the fire's glow

If ever I would leave you, how could it be in springtime
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so
Oh, no, not in springtime, summer, winter, or fall
No never could I leave you at all.


I feel like King Arthur, madly in love and waiting for Guinevere and Lancelot to end it.

Hi believer,

I just wanted to say sorry too for this latest false "hope" from WH. I was wondering myself if it would actually happen when I read your other post about reconciling.Stay strong and like melody said,stick to your guns about what it would take for there to be any chance: Get rid of the homewrecker!

O

The thing is for me, my LB is bankrupt and has been since before the affair. He has done nothing for me. He seems to think that he has all the time in the world to get back with me. He knows now after checking that I have been hoping for reconciliation and will take him back.

Soooo, he's off for awhile with her again. It's a no-win situation for me. He has it in his mind that this can go on for awhile longer. He can still have his lover. He does not care about me.

The only hope I have is Plan B. I was doing so well in it and since contact, everything has gone downhill. Thanks for your support everyone. This has been so awful.

Hi again,

Have you ever given *yourself a time limit on this? What would it be? There is no rhyme or reason to go on forever in limbo especially if you have done YOUR best.

If you can focus more on the time frame and what YOU are doing than on what your WH does or doesn't do in the meantime,that may be more comforting to you now and ultimately.

O

A friend of mine had a H who continued in an A. She moved into an apartment. That didn't work. She moved 4 hours' drive away. That worked.

It's a thought. He doesn't take you seriously. If you actually physically relocate, it is a strong signal to him that you aren't available for impulsive attempts on his part to have the both of you.

He's not stupid. He's selfish. The best deal for him would be two women.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Since July, we have been through this 10 times, counting today. I have been consistent in my message to him. I even have it in his writing from the end of July. I'm starting to think that he has a low IQ. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't give up hope. This affair sounds like it has almost run its course. They usually last around 6 months and then the WS starts emerging from the fog. It sounds like he is waking up but still testing the waters a bit. Just hold your ground.

Believer,

You did very good. You were so strong in your resolve that he has to meet your minimums of N/C of OW. Good Job! Don't waiver.

Reading your post, it was like you are the parent dealing with a teenager. Ugggh! I know it's a bizzaro analogy, but if you think of it in those terms you can see how he just keeps testing your boundaries to the ridiculous.

It's almost as though he has to make sure you're going to be there for him the minute he tells the OW buh bye. I guess it must be a pretty high fence he's sitting on.

They say, given time, an indecision can be more destructive than a bad decision. I certainly hope your husband comes to his senses before you completely lose all love for him.

Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
Since July, we have been through this 10 times, counting today. I have been consistent in my message to him. I even have it in his writing from the end of July. I'm starting to think that he has a low IQ.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope, actually what he has is AN ADDICTION.

Stay Strong!

Thanks for all of the input and support, everyone. I will mail him another Plan B letter. Before we got into serious discussion at breakfast yesterday, he did mention that I seem to be doing very well without him. Since implementing Plan B I have been exercising, going out with frineds, cleaning house to sparkling, organizing, painting, and lots of others activities. It sure felt good that he noticed. Also it made me feel that I am not desperate to have him back.

Ah, the benefits of Plan B. It and this site have been a lifesaver for me. So I am going to stay in Plan B. Who knows what I may accomplish in the next 6 months? Anyway I'm off to work, thanks everyone for getting me through this.

Dear Believer,
I am so sorry it didn't work this time. You sound strong, so keep it up. The no contact thing is so important. My X never could maintain no contact in the several months we (I) tried to reconcile. Listen to the good people on the board who have done it successfully, and they will help you through it.
Wish I could offer more help.
You're in my prayers, believer!
KK

If you have chance, read some of my story.

I had two false recoveries before this real recovery. It may have been three false recoveries.Mel is giving you the same advice Steve Harley gave me when my WH was on the brink of coming back this last time. Steve told me to repeat over and over to him. GET RID OF THE OW. I know now from his recent revelations that he was testing me because he still wasn't finished with her although he knew their relationship had to end. He's was trying to wean himself away from her which of course does not work.

I think your WH is on the brink. He is in that transition stage. Hang in there with the PLAN B. He has to really believe that he is going to lose you for good if he does not get rid of her.