Hi all-
No, I didn't drop off the face of the earth, I've just been very busy trying to find a job and to get through the holidays.
I have had a couple of job interviews, none field related, and a few offers. Unfortunately, the $ offered is less than I'm making on unemployment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I'm not too worried yet, and I'm still trying to listen to my inner voice. I'm trying to understand what lesson is in this for me. I do see that I am very exhausted and this time at home has allowed me to start to re-charge my batteries.
I'm registering this week for school. Ater much thought, I've decided to bite the bullet and finish the Engineering Degree. I have very few courses left and to start something new right now would be a tremendous waste of $ and time.
The plan is to finish this degree and then start the therapist journey in two years time. Economically, this is the right path. My OS will be in college then...scary thought!
Well - on the other side of things, I've been fighting a lot with x over the last month or so. I'm not sure if it 's the holiday stuff or what, but I'm irrationally angry at him. It started with that 2 page email of punishment and his sheild of righteousness. I realized that I was hurting and looking for validation from the therapy group. They didn't want to read the context of the email and I felt very frustrated that he can keep punishing me and that I have to continue to take it.
In our last session, they showed us a video that they had taped during the previous session. In that video, I was oozing with pain. X was sitting there pretty stone faced. When asked what we felt when we saw this, I expressed that it was painful to see myself that way. X expressed that he was embarassed by it. When asked to elaborate, he expressed that he was embarassed that we can't be friends and get along.
Basically, I'm in so much pain that I don't even want to sit in the same room with him. I told the therapy group that I only want to talk about the issues in that room. I want no contact otherwise because I am continually subject to abuse that no one wants to acknowledge. My iC tells me that they expect me to be at step z, but I am only at d. He insists that my putting that wall up between X and I is necessary so that the emotional break can finally happen.
Most of the time, I am okay, but I find myslef caught up at times in the memories of what life used to be like. It's sad because now, when I see him, I don't feel anything. I don't miss contact with him. I'm not really even attracted to him. Yet, I still feel this sadnenss about DS and not being able to give him his wants - mom and dad together, married in a happy family unit.
His dad still seems to be in the mode of wanting his social life more than nhis son. I guess this is consistent with who he has been all along. it just hurts that he is treating DS this way. I thought it was just me that he e treated that way, big eye opener...
Looking back at my actions over the last few years, I started to wonder soemthing. See, X and I got together because I cheated on my OS father with him. When I couldn't stand the painn anymore, I recreated that situation again. soemething inside me is questoning now whether I was trying to re-create that time so that X would pay attention to me. Was I trying to re-estblish those exact conditions of why we originally got together in an attempt to get him to love me? I really think that my esteem was so damn low that this was the case.
I'm starting to hate the person I used to be.
lots of anger inside. I thought I was healing, but it seems that I'm just hurting and jealous, nd angry, and feeling unworty. I deserve someone that loves me and respects me. i've worked just as hard as anyone else on this forum...
Why am I still in so much pain?
