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Joined: Aug 2002
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kily Offline OP
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All-

I have been steaming in my own juices about DS and X. I want to present the situational facts and see what you all think. I am too close to my emotions so I need a clear perspective. If I am wrong, or can do things differently, then I am willing to address it and change for the better.

Here it goes:

According to the court agreement, x is allowed 1/2 a week of vacation with DS. During the Xmas week that would translate into 3 days total where he could have DS to himself.

The monday following the start of vacation, I receive an email that stated that he wants to spend a little more time with DS.

I did not answer this because I have limited our communications to only NECESSARY conversations. My thoughts were that he would send additional correspondance of what days and times would be required on hihs part.

I saw him on Tuesday at karate. Nothing was mentioned at all.

Then I receive an email telling me that he will not be picking dS up on his night (Wednesday). this was New Years eve and he stated that he had plans. it was alsos stated that if I had plans, then I should find a sitter for DS. Once again, I didn't contact him. I stayed home with ds and had a nice quiet new year with him.

Thursday, his father finally shows up for his son at 4:00 p.m. Mind you, he had the entire day off and could have had DS early at 9:00 a.m. My anger is now building and although I am trying to be the adult, it isn't easy.

Well, friday morning I get a call at 7:30 a.m. from DS telling me that he just woke up. At 9:00 a.m., x calls informing me that he is on hihs way to droppinig DS off at my place. My anger takes over and I tell him that I am upset because he is supposed to take DS for three days this week and he has spent LESS than 24 hours with him. I tell him NOT to drop him off and that he is entitled to have him at least until Sat a.m.

Later that day, DS comes home at 6:00 p.m.

Then, for Sunday I had belated Christmas plans for dinner at 1:00. X asks me if he can take DS to dinner because it's his parents anniversary and the family wanted to celebrate. We left it that X would call me at noon on sunday for DS. Well, noon came and went and I left the house at 12:20.

Later, I find a message on my answering machine that X called at 12:29. He is angry because I didn't sit around and wait for him.

I'm frustrated because I feel like I was set up for failiure...he knew I had plans at 1:00 p.m.

So, now I am once again beinig accused of keepinig his son from him. I am being told that I am spiteful and vindictive.

When I asaked why he didn't call on time he answered that he was waiting for his mother to get out of church because the plans for dinner were not firmed up. My thoughts are that if you wanted your son, you wouldn't WAIT for mom to say yes or no about something.

Who's in the FOG here?

Any critic out there wanting to comment, please do.

We have a custody hearing on Tuesday.

Thanks in advance-

Joined: Mar 2000
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Kily~

I can relate to what you are dealing with the X.

You have plans agreed with your X and he changes the plans and expects you to do the same. Not your problem, he knows what you agreed to and if things change he needs to let you know in advance or you think things are as agreed.

Your X will blame you for not letting him see you son, but you have been flexible for him. Just remind him what was agreed and let it go at that.

Once you go to court is will be in writing, doesn’t mean you can you can’t have special times when you change it for you son.

Just keep doing what you know is right for your son and let it go at that.

I know in time is gets better and easier to work through.


Good luck,

bighope

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I am not gonna be critic. I think he is being a schmuck for not being a little more reliabe with his visits. Minimum he gets his son on the days specified in the agreement, anything above that out of the goodness of your heart.

I would document, as best as I could, the "wishy-washy" attitude he has taken with his visitation schedule. He wants more time when it is convenient for him but wants you to change your plans at the drop of a hat. You should be able to plan things around your x's visitation days.

one thing that struck me......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The monday following the start of vacation, I receive an email that stated that he wants to spend a little more time with DS.

I did not answer this because I have limited our communications to only NECESSARY conversations. My thoughts were that he would send additional correspondance of what days and times would be required on hihs part.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if your X has used your son to give you hell before but I would consider any communication from X regarding your son neccessary.

He seems to be in the fog. He might not have any responsibilities to you as a husband anymore but he still has them in regards to his son.

Hope that made sense.

God Bless

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by God-within-kily:
<strong> Later, I find a message on my answering machine that X called at 12:29. He is angry because I didn't sit around and wait for him.

When I asked why he didn't call on time he answered that he was waiting for his mother to get out of church because the plans for dinner were not firmed up. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kiley, It is Intuitively Obvious to the most Casual of Observers that you XH could have phoned you at noon, as planned, and simply told you that his parents plans were still up in the air and then respectfully ask you to wait a reasonable amount of time (about 1/2 hour maybe) until he could find out exactly what was happening. It's not a big deal to keep the other party informed. His refusal to take responsiblity for his behavior is very immature.

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I think that with a mediator or lawyer, you and the ex need to sit down, and plan out the visitation schedule as far in advance as possible. Is 6 months feasible? How about just 3? Then stick to it, no matter what. The only exceptions being changes for a funeral or EXTREME illness. Weddings are known about MONTHS ahead of time, so are special anniversaries and parties. There is NO excuse for anyone to not know important dates ahead of time.

Your son's school has their calendar made up a year in advance. You know what days he has off, when March break is, etc. Birthdays happen on the same day each year. So does Christmas. Yes, Easter varies... but that's what calendars are for.

Visitation is a sticky issue for me, b/c of my own situation... but your ex is being an a$$. It doesn't seem that he is having to be accountable for his own actions.. you're always there to fall back on should he have something better ( GRRR!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) to do, other than be with his own son.

Finally... if you aren't already... keep a journal of these events. Document dates, times, methods of communication, and what was said. Update the journal a.s.a.p... don't wait a few days to think of how to word things... you'll only forget some of the important info. You can always add more later, if something else comes to mind.

I feel for your son, kily. No doubt, he knows his dad doesn't want him around much, and he feels that. I only pray that he doesn't find the need to lash out in any way (I'm going through major lashing out by my 4 1/2 yr old; enough so that psychological intervention is required... so b/c it's so fresh with me, I don't want anyone else to have to go through it).

Karen

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Padded 2 x 4 coming your way!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> According to the court agreement, x is allowed 1/2 a week of vacation with DS. During the Xmas week that would translate into 3 days total where he could have DS to himself.

The monday following the start of vacation, I receive an email that stated that he wants to spend a little more time with DS.

I did not answer this because I have limited our communications to only NECESSARY conversations. My thoughts were that he would send additional correspondance of what days and times would be required on hihs part. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems to me this would have been a necessary conversation and rather than him sending a note saying he wants this,this and that, he was trying to get some dialogue going? Why didn't you at least respond, "what did you have in mind?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I saw him on Tuesday at karate. Nothing was mentioned at all.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps he didn't want you to perceive him as nagging, or perhaps he didn't want to get into it with you there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then I receive an email telling me that he will not be picking dS up on his night (Wednesday). this was New Years eve and he stated that he had plans. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok That sounds fine. You probably should of at least replied that this was fine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it was alsos stated that if I had plans, then I should find a sitter for DS.Once again, I didn't contact him. I stayed home with ds and had a nice quiet new year with him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, he didn't really need to say this, but again I think all he was really trying to do was warn you that he didn't have any intention of changing his plans. Since you have a habit of not responding to his e-mails where DS is concerned, perhaps he felt he needed to word things a bit stronger for you to understand, or, perhaps try and solicit some kind of reaction from you. Regardless, things worked out for both of you anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thursday, his father finally shows up for his son at 4:00 p.m. Mind you, he had the entire day off and could have had DS early at 9:00 a.m. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't really understand what the problem is here unless there was an arrangement for him to pick DS up at 0900. Again, you probably need to confirm and clarify with him exactly what his intentions are rather than assuming or judging.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We left it that X would call me at noon on sunday for DS. Well, noon came and went and I left the house at 12:20. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good boundary.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Later, I find a message on my answering machine that X called at 12:29. He is angry because I didn't sit around and wait for him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you told him that you understood he was going to call at 1200 and you waited until 12:20.
for his call.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am being told that I am spiteful and vindictive.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I asaked why he didn't call on time he answered that he was waiting for his mother to get out of church because the plans for dinner were not firmed up. My thoughts are that if you wanted your son, you wouldn't WAIT for mom to say yes or no about something.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didn't need to go there. You set a boundary and he didn't stick by it. All you needed to say to reinforce your boundary was "you said you were going to call at 12:00 and I waited until 12:20. Period. If you want to be empatehtic, you could have apologized for the inconvenience, (he caused himself) but you did tell him you were leaving the house shortly after noon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Who's in the FOG here? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see this as a FOG issue. It's a control issue. You're both jockeying for control. You by not communicating (ignoring or not responding to his e-mails) and him for threatening you with implied consequences for not complying with the visitation agreement.

My advice for you...you need to confirm and clarify any expectations that he has of the visitation agreement and changes requested by him VIA E-MAIL! This gives you written documentation that you are complying and he is not. Don't look this gift horse in the mouth and shoot yourself in the foot because of your resentment of the situation.

Good Luck.


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