women ws if you ended the affair what made you end it and what was on youre mine at the time of affair. did you care about the hurt that was being done etc.

HI;

I am the WW and to be honest, if the OM didnt end things, I would not have...I was so attached to him emotionally. I even confessed the A to H, then resumed the relationship without H knowing, only to be discovered.

Then pretendedd to end it whilst once again resuming contact. THen OM decided he needed to break away to work on his own marriage(his W never knew of the A).

Now I am trying to work on my M and get OM out of my mind....very very difficult, but I am trying.

Sally.

Mmmmm, sounds just like my wife. Yeah, she is lost to him because I KNOW he's not breaking it off (he's not married).

Oh, well. Life goes on.

Sally2003,

Were your husbands efforts noticed by you? Did you ever long to just stop with the EA? My wife is like Solon's. What immediate action if any would cause a woman to awake out of her fog?

Same as Sally, basically. OM cut me off when H found out. OM and H were sort-of-friends for 10 years before A, and OM was afraid that H and him would get into a bar brawl if the two ever came face to face after H found out. Needless to say, OM didn't want that, so it was a bit of self preservation on his part that he cut me off. If he didn't, I would not have been able to quit of my own accord (at least I don't think I would have) I probably would have just gotten more creative about lying.

Fortunately, it did end, because I can now work on M and the family. It's hard though.

During A, it didn't matter to me if anyone was hurt. It was basically all about me.

Felina

For me I spent way too much time chatting with the OM. Because my husband and I were constantly arguing about him being gone, this was my main topic of conversations. Many times my H would warn me that talking with another man is dangerous -- that they may want to take it a step further. I poo-pooed that notion thinking I had the strength to put a stop to anything inappropriate. WRONG.

The OM had me convinced that I was being abused and neglected. He could offer me the happiness and attention I desired. Or so I thought.

The first time it happened, I felt guilty, dirty and awful. But my OM was a very smooth talker and convinced me this was the right thing to do -- that I deserved to be adored, etc. Of course NOW I see that it was all b*llsh*t and a ruse.

You know the "fog" that WS's talk about? Mine was pretty thick. I tried to stop the A several times and told the OM this is what I wanted. He would say things to make me go back to him. It didn't help that I was miserable and the OM knew it. He could say and do things for me to make me feel like I was important.

I would purposefully pick a fight with my H in order to justify seeing the OM.

Titleist, I don't think any guy can force a woman out of the fog - it has to happen of it's own accord, or the OM has to cut them off. Remember, if W has been deeply in an A, she has already done the worst thing to you - and can't possibly respect H enough to end A if H is trying to force it on her. She has to make the decision herself. (I could be wrong, I am sure others have a different story.)

I got pregnant, (automatic fog lifter).

Time and Patience is the Answer.

It took my WH one full year to get away and out of the fog.

The key is for the A to hit the light of day so that the fantasy begins to crumble. Have to deal with the reality of what they are doing-stuff like the other posters have indicated such as the potential for disaster in a brawl.

PLAN A, then PLAN B. The MB Principles.

I pushed OM away a lot and would pick arguments for stupid reasons. Looking back, I know he was invading my boundaries and I was scared. Deep down I never wanted to leave my H. Funny how H and I rarely argue.

OM was going through a D. I think OM got tired of our "relationship" not moving forward. I found he placed an Internet profile on a dating site so I knew he had been dating around. He was also putting pressure on me about when I was going to separate from H. It's a good thing I found out about him for the sake of saving my M!!!!

eemd ... you're looking for a quick fix. there isn't one. but the sooner you learn and implement plan A, the chances of YOU leading your wife back begin to increase.

Hi

I dont know what snaps one out of the fog. I still, every day wish to talk to him and think about him constantly.

I have no answer for that.

I would think that lots and lots of attention from the BS would help the WS out of the fog?

Dunno..not there yet.

Sorry.

S.

titlest;

I never longed to stot the EA (whcih is what most of the R consisted of). I longed to talk to him every day. He made me feel so special, desired, needed and beautiful.

Infact, I craved his attention...and yes, I did fell guilty every time I communicated with OM, but obvisouly not enough to make me stop.

S.

I'm not looking for a quick fix, just things that will lessen the time it takes.

The OM actually said he was upset with my W that she wasn't spending the time he was used to. She gave back the key to his home and personal effects. She had gone back to talking and seeing the OM. Is this part of the withdrawl pattern?

I know the time we spend together as a family she really enjoys. Now sometimes I think she avoids it due to the guilt it makes her feel...

I only know that I still think of OM constantly! I haven't contacted him and won't. (I will be STRONG)OM and I tried during EA to end it a couple of times. We both knew how wrong it was, and struggled with the guilt. The first time, we just went back to starting it up again. The second time, we talked once and awhile but knew we could never start up again, and continued to work on our M. His w found out about it last Jan. made him move out some time this summer. They are still separated, he and I are still trying NC with one slip up in the past 5 months. (My H and I were separated for almost a year) If H would not keep hurting me, with the same things from our past, I know moving ahead would be easier.

I've researched and inquired about this for months now; whippit is right. There seems to be no cure for the common fog, at least yet. I feel there MUST be something that can happen or be said that would "make" them see clearly, I just don't know what it is. I DO know children can't do it. My wife can look her beautiful children in the face and be okay with their tears from not being home. I DO know I have said and done some of the most beautiful things a man can do for a woman and that didn't do it. I know that God can do it, because He can do all things. Why won't He? I don't know.

sorry for the venting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Titleist:
[QB] I'm not looking for a quick fix, just things that will lessen the time it takes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it takes as long as it takes and not a moment sooner. i'm a man so i know what you're asking.

YOU can see the problem (and maybe the solution), so why can't she see it? and if you can see it, surely you can do something to make her see it.

it doesn't work that way.

everything you need to know is spelled out for you in the harley books and at the content portion of this site. there's lots of great information in the posts of others. use them or not ... the choice is yours.

no one can do this for you. we can offer you help. but the hard work remains your task. honestly, if you think this is hard, wait until you actually begin your recovery. it pushes hard work to a new level.

Whippit,

My thought is I don't want to be in my own way. I don't want to continue to exhibit behavior that repels her into the arms of the OM.

I am prepared for the long haul. I realize that we didn't get into this ditch over night and I'm not going to get out over night...

Just looking for new ways to meet the ever important EN's of the woman I love.

my wife is haveing affair wit coworker. and she is deep in the fog she losing all of her family and friends she act like she is on drugs. i dont live with anymore. iam in plan A now but she is so mean. read my post: is anyone ws having affair with coworker and how did you get them to end it

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Titleist:
I don't want to continue to exhibit behavior that repels her into the arms of the OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so stop doing it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just looking for new ways to meet the ever important EN's of the woman I love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you're not going to be able to meet very many. just meet the ones she'll allow you to meet. and you don't have to come up with new ways. just do better job at the old ones.