Hi folks. Auto here.

It has happened. My wife moved out earlier this week. She now has her own apartment in a nearby town. She moved pretty much all of her personal stuff, leaving only a few large pieces of furniture that won't fit into the apartment. Pictures, souveniers, photos, knick-knacks, flowers, etc are all gone from our house.

I did my best plan A with few, if any love busters over the past months I have been on this board. In that sense I think I can honestly say that I did my best and that she should feel it is safe to return to me and our home if and when she decides to do so.

My final words to her were "I have not changed my mind. I love you. I want our marriage to work. I want us to build a better marriage together. I am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal for the both of us."

Now she is gone. She says needs this place away from me to reflect on her future and what she must do to be all she was meant to be.

She has signed a long term lease on this apartment and purchased several very nice and relatively expensive things to decorate it.

I know for a fact that she has discussed with the OM, the apartment, where it is, and how she plans to decorate it.

I would like to believe that it is truly a place for personal reflection, but I think I have to agree with Dr. H. When the WS moves out it is usually done to make seeing the OM easier.

Such a sad day.

<small>[ January 17, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

When the WS moves out it is usually done to make seeing the OM easier.
Sadly, this seems to be the case.

auto, I am afraid that Harley is probably right. She can "reflect" all she wants at home with you. But she can't run around with the OM. That is almost always why they want to seperate.

On the other hand, it can be a positive because it allows them to see the OP up front and close and takes away the thrill of secrecy. It can quickly lead to the end of the affair when they get to see what the OP is REALLY made of. It can be a real fantasy buster.

So, don't give up hope. Just stand by and do your best Plan A so that you look more attractive when the affair starts falling apart.

You done good, auto. Now get your armchair, your popcorn, and watch the movie unfold.

Yes. The movie, A.M., will be a combo comedy and tragedy. No doubt about it.

Our son has made it clear to me that he has not intention at this time to visit his mom at her new home when he gets leave. I made a point of telling him that he must make his own decision about his mom and her actions. I do not wish to be accused of 'poisoning' his mind against her. I also told him that if he disapproves he should respectfully tell his mother the truth and not pretend that everything is OK.

Sounds like you have a good boy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Auto one of the biggest fallacies that many WW's make is that the OM will leave his BW. The vast majority never leave their BW's for the OW. I beleive this may also be the case in your situation. Why? because this affair has been going on for 4 years and if the OM truly wanted to make a life with your WW then he would have left his BW years ago. Has he done so? Probably not and if your WW tries to pressure him in doing so, he is probably going to resist it more than ever. If it gets to the point where she becomes more intrusive in his life, he may come to the conclusion that she is more trouble than she's worth and dump her once and for all.

Since your WW moved out, you may want to consider implementing Plan B. You need to preserve what love you have for her IF and when the time comes when she expresses a desire to come back and rebuild the marriage.

Good luck.

Making long term financial obligations and getting nice furniture is a way for her to try to lock herself in to her 'decision'. I did the same thing.

I would NOT stay in Plan A at this point, or not much longer. If she truly wants to sort things out then she's going to need to be alone. The longer her needs are being met by you, the longer she can cake eat. It will drive her in to the OP arms for a while since you will no longer be meeting her needs, but after a time it will wedge them apart. It does take a while. The first couple of months are freeing because you can relax and avoid the tension and guilt that being around a BS will bring. But eventually reality seeps in and the WS starts to see their life as it really is. Then life alone becomes more uncomfortable than being around the BS and they start to look for excuses for contact. Being around the BS starts to feel comfortable, like 'home'.

CoffeeMan - the OM has already told his wife of his plans to divorce her. So he is leaving, and I must assume, planning on marrying my wife at some future time.

Hope4, your are correct, I will not do Plan A much longer. How can I when she is not at home? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have not yet decided on Plan B. We have a lot of little details to tie up, financial and otherwise. Plan B would not work well as this time. Maybe later. I am going to give myself a week or two to get over this day. No need to rush. I doubt if I will see much of her during that time.

Auto,

So sorry for what you are going through. I know how painful this is for you, I have been there myself. During my H's A he claimed he needed to go and have some space to "think" his thinking only included OW. My H left twice, the first time he stayed with family, it was very brief then he returned, the second was a few months later, (after renewed contact with OW) he took on a long term lease on a town house and got a house full of furniture, etc., he seemed so certain this would be final.

Well, he came home the second time almost as quickly as the first. You will hear several people support the statement that once the A sees the light of day, things change, and sometimes very quickly. Don't let the long term lease and furniture concern you too much, clearly many WS do this, and I agree it is their attempt to "lock in"

Don't lose hope! Keep posting, this is hard and you will need support! Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
<strong> CoffeeMan - the OM has already told his wife of his plans to divorce her. So he is leaving, and I must assume, planning on marrying my wife at some future time.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">auto, did the OMW tell you this HERSELF?

Auto, ML brings up an excellent point in asking you who the source was that told you that the OM is leaving and divorcing his W. But even if it is a credible one, keep in mind that what people say and what people actually do are two totally different things.

ML and CoffeeMan, My wife told me they were divorcing. I have heard from acquiantances that their marriage has been troubled for several years so I believe the information is correct.

But, I have not called the OMW to confirm it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
CoffeeMan - the OM has already told his wife of his plans to divorce her. So he is leaving, and I must assume, planning on marrying my wife at some future time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have to agree with the others. it ain't over until the ink is dry on the decree.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope4, your are correct, I will not do Plan A much longer. How can I when she is not at home? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">distance matters not. that apartment of hers will be lonely at times and she will miss you. you'd be syrprized at how much contact you might have now that she's not in your home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B would not work well as this time. Maybe later.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how do you know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No need to rush. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">in matters of the heart, smarter words have never been uttered.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
<strong> ML and CoffeeMan, My wife told me they were divorcing. I have heard from acquiantances that their marriage has been troubled for several years so I believe the information is correct.

But, I have not called the OMW to confirm it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Auto, this is a great opportunity for you to possibly put pressure on the affair by comparing notes with the OMW to find out what is happening from that end. No doubt their marriage is in great trouble if her H is having an affair but that doesn't mean they are really getting a divorce. OP's almost always say that, but most often it is just "talk" designed to keep the WS in the affair. It is almost always a lie. Even if its not, you could be a huge help to one another and trade information.

You should be doing everything in your power to END the affair and this is an excellent tool towards that goal.

For all you know, the OM is trying to work things out with his W and you have an opportunity to further expose the affair if you call her up. Auto, call her! You are passing up a GREAT OPPORTUNITY here!

ML, That is possible that OM may be trying to work this out with his wife.

But, I think it is more probable that he is planning to visit our town and spend a few days with my WW in her apartment. H**L! He may there already for all I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

This makes me so angry just to think about the depth and length of this betrayal.

I won't make the mistake of overestimating the slimball jerk's morality again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

forget probable and possible. you don't know until you know. besides, focusing on your om's relationship with your w takes energy away from focusing on YOUR relationship with your wife.

a.m. martin said to sit back and watch the movie unfold and that's what you should be doing. while a separation will make it harder for you to plan A, it will put some pressure on the affair that didn't exist before ... and on many levels.

among them:
1. your wife is beholden to the financial responsibility of maintaining a place of her own.
2. if om spends much time there, his shortcomings (and your wife's, too) will begin to illuminate.

OK, I phone OM's wife today. She confirmed that they are planning a divorce. They currently live together in the same house but have separate bedrooms. They decided that rather than drain their assets on an apartment for him, they would sell the house, split the cash and other assets, and each go their separate ways.

So, I guess I will sit and watch the movie as A.M suggested. Anybody got any Bon Bons?

How about a pork skin, Auto? [I am on Atkins! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ] Good job calling the OMW. Did she know about the affair?

ML, Yes, OM's wife knew about the affair. Aparently OM's involvement with my WW had come up as an issue in their marriage counseling. But, OM had denied the affair and claimed they were "just friends". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

OM's wife figures things out about the time I did. I think that the A got so serious and they both started pulling away about the same time, that we both noticed things going bad.