H4F,

I haven't been here in a while. Hope all is well in your world. How were your holidays?

Things with me are fine. My D is finally over and it worked out very well for me. As you may recall, a year or so ago my W, exW that is, and her lawyer sent us their settlement proposal. They wanted me to pay for half of all child related expenses (as I had been doing) as well as 20% (nearly $900/mth)of my salary in CS. With shared custody, I knew that was ridiculous. My lawyer told me 20% of the difference is typical. I mentioned this to my W at the time and she said my lawyer was nuts. I didn't argue with her, I just let the process all play out. The only other issue to be decided was division of retirement assets. I wanted a 50/50 split (which would have netted me about $8k), they wanted us to each keep what we have. Originally she wanted half of mine until she realized I would be going after half of hers.

About 7 months ago I suggested to my W that we get together with our lawyers to try to reach a settlement. For various reasons, the meeting didn't happen until last month and it proved to be a big waste of time. They wouldn't budge from their original demands. A couple of weeks later I made a written proposal to them. Although I knew they wouldn't accept it, I thought at the very least they would make a counteroffer. They flat out refused so they gave us no choice but to let a judge decide. That was fine with me. At least we had something in writing to show the judge we made a good faith effort to settle this.

I met with my lawyer last week to go over numbers and facts before court. I asked her how the process works in court. She told me that the lawyers meet with the judge to present their cases, he reviews the facts and makes his recommendations. If we both accept his recommendations, that's it. If not, we go to trial that day.

Court was last Thursday. The lawyers talked amongst themselves and exchanged last minute documents until they were summoned into chambers. Twenty minutes later they came out and met with us individually. The judge recommended my W pay me $2500 from her retirements assets. Less than I expected, but they used my inheritance from my mom as leverage claiming I had sufficient funds to set up for my retirement. The judge shouldn't have let that be a factor, but I really didn't care about $5k/$6k in the big picture. My only real concern was CS. The judge recommended that I pay her $162/mth in CS (20% of the difference in our incomes, exactly what my lawyer told me it would a year ago). I was ecstatic and jumped at the deal. Needless to say my W was less than overjoyed. I heard her yelling at her lawyer in the hallway. The lawyers went back and forth for about an hour, but my lawyer would not give in. They were ready to reject the judges recommendation and go to trial. Upon hearing this, the judge summoned the lawyers into his chambers again and told my W's lawyer in no uncertain terms she would not get one penny more in CS, so do not waste his or the court's time. Eventually my W conceded, we all went into the judges chambers and she and I testified under oath that we understand and accept the agreement, had the benefit of counsel, etc. The agreement is binding and all that's left is for my lawyer to present a "clean" copy of the agreement for the judge to stamp and enter.

Throughout all of this, I just sat there no more than 15 feet from my W. I didn't say a word and remained stoic. She looked like she had been hit by a truck. She had been duped and mislead by an inept, incompetent lawyer and she was the victim of her own unrealistic expectations. I believe the judge's ruling was fair based on the facts of our case. I felt bad for my W, but I knew the day would come when she would see the consequences of a series of bad choices. The irony is if she and her lawyer would have made a good faith effort to settle, she would have gotten far more from me, but they made their bed...

My daughter made a comment to me the next day that "mommy was very angry at her lawyer". She heard her yelling on the phone to her mother.

Although I am happy with the outcome in court and feel somewhat vindicated, I am divorced and that makes me sad, but I'll be able to get a fresh start knowing I stuck by my W and my family and tried to do the right thing. My conscience is clear. She'll be left to deal with the mess she's made of her life. The grass isn't always greener...

Thanks for all your support and advice.

sad dad

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

well, I understand sad, is how it must be sometimes...but I know you are relieved your life is in your control again, been a long haul. I am curious about something, since your cs obligation is much smaller than you were willing to give, I assume you probably have every intention of seeing your daughter does not go without....just now you have more control over how money is spend on your daughters behalf. Was that 162 a month or week...a month is almost nothing really.

sd:

Good 2 hear from you. Sorry it went down like that. I hope that someday your X can learn from her experiences so that the 2 of you can be healthy co-parents 2 your D.

Please take care,
-ol' 2long

YES!! I'm glad you can finally move forward with no more strings! I'm sure it was quite a shock to your ex, however reality is reality and to have expected more was ridiculous. I think she will learn that lesson more than once, more than likely.

Do you have any plans for the future, or are you just going to play it day by day for a while?

suf,

That's $162/mth. I make about 55% of our total net income, so I think 20% of the difference is fair since we both have our daughter half the time.

I will provide my daughter with anything she needs. It was never about the childcare expenses being equitable, but I did want some assurances that my contribution is spent on my daughter. Also, I do hope to get married again and God willing have more children. I want to be able to provide for them the same as I do for my daughter.

2long,

I hope so too. Everybody makes mistakes and bad choices. If you learn from them, then there is something good to be gained. If not, you will either repeat them or live your life blaming your ex, your lawyer, the judge, the system, etc. If my exW learns nothing from this experience, that would truly be sad.

sad dad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"She looked like she had been hit by a truck."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may have already started making plans on what she would do with the CS money. IF she has already started making major purchases, then I can understand how she felt like she had been suckerpunched big time. I guess now she's going to have to either pony up with her own money or let the repo man come and pick up her stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

...in a '67 Chevy Malibu!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

hope,

Thanks for checking in. No bigs plans. For now I'm just going to try to get used to not having this hanging over my head anymore. It's consumed me for 3 yrs, so it feels strange not to have to worry about this anymore. I'm ready to start dating. Now the tough part...finding a date!!!

TMCM,

I'm not sure if she's got herself in debt or not, but that's not my problem anymore. I doubt she had any concern for my financial situation when she was asking for $900/mth so...

At court, her lawyer told mine that if I didn't give her more in CS, she might have to move. My lawyer said that's fine, as long as she stays in the same school district. That was part of our custody agreement. She was already playing the victim after an hour.

Seriously though, I hope she comes to terms with this and doesn't let misdirected anger and bitterness tear her down.

sad dad