I found out a month ago that my wife of 6 months was having an "emotional affair" with her boss. They were having regular phone conversations, and had admitted their attraction to each other. I found out by seeing a call from him on our phone. When I confronted her, she admitted it and that they had actually kissed once. She promised to stop the conversations and relationship. However, she still works with him. He lives in another city but visits regularly, and they occasionally have to travel together (but not alone, in larger groups).

She doesn't want to quit her job, but I feel very uncomfortable with them working together. Should I be more trusting? She says I am not trusting enough and that that is part of the problem with why this happened in the first place.

Hi Sad,
Sorry to see you here, but you have come to a great place.

Yes, you should be concerned. My FWW's A began with her boss and ended up being a PA as well.

Don't let her blame you for her A. She is totally responsible. Remain vigilant. If not, it will only get worse. Strongly suggest that as a minimum, she change departments so that contact with the OM can end. If that doesn't work, change jobs.

Larry

I have suggested a few times that she change departments or jobs, but she is reluctant. I can't help feeling that I am at fault somehow, so I feel guilty asking her to change jobs. And if she does leave her job (which she loves), she may end up resenting me more.

We have a good marriage, we are still in love, but somehow this happened. She claims she didn't want it to and never expected she would. She still doesn't understand why - but she has mentioned he was "easier to talk to" and that I never trust her enough. I said "well now you see why I didn't trust you" but she doesn't get it.

Sad,
Read all you can on this site. Have your W also read about emotional affairs.

They are all fantasies. Don't take the blame for her choices.

You can survive this. Just read and make sure that your W understands what has happened and where it is headed if she does not change her behavior.

Larry

wife of 6 months, you lucky guy. The honeymoon should be on big time. You need to read the articles on this site and DR, Harleys books. I hate to say it but if you are having problems now, do not even think of having a child.

You are not meeting some basic ENs for her to do this so early in the marriage. You are to newly married in my opinion to even be here. But welcome, this site is a great source of inspiration.

But, be thankful you will be learning things that took me years to learn the hardway before i started with marriage counciling.

You need to get her away from this dude, like as soon as possible. I would suggest she change jobs, in the same field of course, because you could be in for a tough go if she dosen;t seeing this guy as much as she does. Don't just ignore what is happening, that is not an option. Just read learn, and apply. good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sadhusband777:
<strong> I found out a month ago that my wife of 6 months was having an "emotional affair" with her boss. They were having regular phone conversations, and had admitted their attraction to each other. I found out by seeing a call from him on our phone. When I confronted her, she admitted it and that they had actually kissed once. She promised to stop the conversations and relationship. However, she still works with him. He lives in another city but visits regularly, and they occasionally have to travel together (but not alone, in larger groups).

She doesn't want to quit her job, but I feel very uncomfortable with them working together. Should I be more trusting? She says I am not trusting enough and that that is part of the problem with why this happened in the first place. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">huh? That doesn't make any sense. It happened BECAUSE you don't trust her enough? Well, it looks like you SHOULDN'T trust her since it appears she had an affair. And that IS the case. You should not trust an untrustworthy person, sadhusband, that would be insane.

You wife has forfeited any claim to trust with her affair. And she compounded the problem by blaming YOU for her affair. That is very scary, SH. It might be alright if she were willing to take responsibility for her choices, but she is not if she persists in blaming you for this.

You have a serious problem on your hands here from all appearances. Not only does your W blame you for the affair, but she has NO REMORSE and no intention of stopping her affair. As long as they are in contact with each other, the affair has not ended. As long as contact continues, the affair will deepen and you, as a spouse, have NO HOPE of recovery.

What has led her to this affair? Was this affair going on when you married her? It doesn't seem you have been married long enough to neglect her needs. Does she have a history of this type of behavior?

Adultery does not always have to be a result of unmet needs. I found out 6 months after I got married that my H was having several affairs. I didn't have time to not meet his needs, this was just HOW HE WAS. He had married me under false pretenses. So it's not always a case of unmet needs, but a matter of character.

Sad, you found out a month ago and you have been married for only 6 Months. Simple math says after 5 months of marriage she has done this to you. How long has it gone on, She wasted no time
looking else where, maybe your age ? are you both
REALLY ready to be married, how long did you date? I would have her list what is most important to her. Marriage or job/boss.

This early in a relationship, I would think hard about it. It is going to be a long life
if you cant trust her. better now than 14 years down the road and 2 kids.......get my point!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sadhusband777:
[QB] I have suggested a few times that she change departments or jobs, but she is reluctant. I can't help feeling that I am at fault somehow, so I feel guilty asking her to change jobs. And if she does leave her job (which she loves), she may end up resenting me more.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her resentment probably will be the least of your worries if she continues to work with the OM. It will probably mean the end of your marriage if this affair is not ended. Leaving the job and ending contact with the OM is the LEAST she should be willing to do in order to repair the marriage. That has to be the first step in recovery, SH.

Ask you wife if she will go to a marriage counselor who is pro marriage. Hopefully she will.

Is her boss married? If so, tell his wife.

You must take action. Not in a punitive way or for revenge, but to break up the affair.

I delayed action because of my son who was a drug addict. That delay may have caused me my marriage. Of course, it may have also saved my son's life, but most people don't have to balance the life of a child versus their marriage.

Be loving. Do a good plan A. Tell his wife if he has one.

Thanks everyone for the responses. To answer a few of the questions that came up: Was this going on before we got married? No. We dated for 3 years and had a very great relationship. We weren't living together, we wanted to wait untilo we were married for that. Does she have a history of this kind of behaviour? I asked before we were married and once again after finding out about the EA, and she says she has never been unfaithful to any boyfriend in the past.

She told the OM that there is to be no 'personal' contact anymore, all talk has to be about business. Initially she told him email only (for any business conversation), but that has become impractical. Yesterday they went for lunch in a group of 6, for example, and next week she will go out of town to a conference where he will be there.

The funny thing is, I do somehow trust her that she won't have any personal relationship with him anymore. But I don't know if that is just naive. I want her to be happy in her career.

The EA started in Oct03 (we got married in June03) and I found out the weekend before Christmas. I am 33, she is 31.

I was a bit nervous before we were married because she did have 2 "one-night-stands" and some other short relationships like that. To me it was a warning sign, but since she had shown me nothing but love and trustworthyness I didn't think it would affect our marriage. I've always thought sex should be kept to committed relationships, but I think she has more 'liberal' views than I do.

oh, one more thing. She has agreed to marriage counseling. We've gone once so far, next appt is next week. I'm not sure if he is "pro-marriage" - how do I find out? I didn't really like him actually. I felt he was belittling my feelings about it and he wouldn't let me use "perjorative terms like unfaithful" (his words). He seemed unwilling to classify this as an EA, and never used the term "Emotional affair" at all. He said it was the potential beginning of an affair, but nothing more than that. I felt it was an EA because of the duration, and also because they had kissed in their last meeting before I found out about the A.

Another few details I forgot. OM is divorced, and not remarried. He is older than my wife and I, I would estimate he is in mid to late 40s. I'm not sure if he has kids or not. My wife and I have no kids yet (thank goodness!).

So there is no OW to expose this too. I thought about exposing it at her work (many companies have a policy of no dating between boss & subordinate), but I'm not sure if that would help or make things worse. So far we haven't told a soul except the counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She told the OM that there is to be no 'personal' contact anymore, all talk has to be about business. Initially she told him email only (for any business conversation), but that has become impractical. Yesterday they went for lunch in a group of 6, for example, and next week she will go out of town to a conference where he will be there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Contact is contact. It doesn't matter if they call it business contact or a baloney sandwich. They are having an affair and recovery will not begin until contact ceases.

See, the affair is like an addiction and she will NEVER withdraw from him as long as there is contact. Obviously, she has feelings for him and those feelings will NOT FADE until contact ends. Feelings will instead GROW with continued contact.

Not to mention the fact that every contact puts you, the BS, right back to D-Day in your recovery. Again, recovery will NOT TAKE PLACE until contact is ended. Pretending to conduct "business" with her OM will not erase the feelings they have for one another. Only no contact can acheive that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want her to be happy in her career.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her happiness cannot come at the cost of the destruction of your marriage. She can get another job, it is much harder to get another marriage. And that is what she will be faced with if she doesnt find another job.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has agreed to marriage counseling. We've gone once so far, next appt is next week. I'm not sure if he is "pro-marriage" - how do I find out? I didn't really like him actually. I felt he was belittling my feelings about it and he wouldn't let me use "perjorative terms like unfaithful" (his words). He seemed unwilling to classify this as an EA, and never used the term "Emotional affair" at all. He said it was the potential beginning of an affair, but nothing more than that. I felt it was an EA because of the duration, and also because they had kissed in their last meeting before I found out about the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please get a counselor that knows what an affair is and doesn't use politically correct doublespeak. Of course it is an emotional affair and denying that truth helps no one. Your situation is hopeless with someone who cannot use truthful, direct language or who demeans you.

Please consider trying the Harleys, the founder of Marriage Builders. They are extremely successful counselors who are pro-marriage and often acheive in a few sessions what other counselors can never acheive. Other counselors take your money and make you sit there and "figure it out," The Harley's are paid professionals who help you figure it out and give you guidance. If you could "figure it out" you wouldn't need a counselor in the first place. The Harley's are extremely effective and you will save lots of time, money and heartache going to them.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>